Always Us
by Lindslay
Summary: Darkness has always threatened to consume them both separately, but when love allows them to see even in the darkest of times, they realize that all they'll ever need is each other. Dark depictions of mental anguish and physical violence.
1. Chapter 1

Erin Lindsay was used to being alone. Bunny had left her alone since she was old enough to microwave a hot dog, sometimes for days at a time. Even after she moved in with Hank, Camille, and Justin; she generally preferred to hole herself up in her room and lose herself in her thoughts or whatever angsty music seemed to fit her mood. In fact, she wasn't simply used to being a lone; she was good at it.

Those reason were why it made absolutely no sense to her that she was struggling so badly without Jay. It had been four weeks since he'd….left. Four weeks since his words – the ones that told her he was _still_ married to Abby, had stung her like a slap across her face. Four weeks since she'd woken up next to his tall frame and cuddled up against his back, peacefully enjoying the last moments of sleep before reality had drawn them away from the safety and warmth of their king sized bed.

She understood better than most people that sometimes, you just had to work through your shit alone. Hell, she'd put Jay through the ringer when she had run off on her extended bender after Nadia's death. So, how could she be mad at him for needed space and taking time as well? She had to remind herself of that constantly, to keep from saying something to him she'd regret.

She stood in front of their shared closet, trying to decide which sweater to pull over her white tank top. Her fingers rose to the neatly hung flannel shirts and button downs that hung like a promise of his return. She ran her fingers over them gently. His stuff was still here, that meant he was coming back. The reminder of that was enough to curve the sides of her lips up slightly and she felt an odd sense of contentment.

Maybe even more than she was great at being alone, she was even better and leaving when shit got tough. And anyone who'd already decided to leave for good didn't leave so much of themselves behind. Jay needed space, she could give him that. Maybe when they found their way back to each other this time; it would be for good.

Her drive to work was easy, she made it a bit faster than she did on a normal day and as she climbed the stairs to intelligence, she forced all thoughts of her rocky relationship out of her mind and vowed to focus all her frustrations and emotions on kicking ass on whatever today threw at her.

Her resolve was slightly weakend when her eyes fell on him sitting at his desk, gnawing the lid of his pen in contemplation. Ever the investigator, her eyes quickly travelled to the stack of papers on his desk and she squinted her eyes to see what had him so perturbed. There, on the top of his files, sat a lined piece of paper and though she could barely see the words, the top unmistakable had her name, with a comma, as though he were writing her a letter.

He must've felt her eyes boring through him because he looked up, quickly shifted his papers around, and a slight pink color tinted his cheeks. He gave her an uneasy but still signature smile. He made no attempt to explain, but she guessed she couldn't blame him. Her instinct was to tease him, ask if he was writing her a love letter. But after the month they'd had apart, she knew things had changed too much and it wasn't the time or place for such a joke. Their relationship had changed. The thought made her sad, there were times she'd sworn she lived for their playful banter.

With only a silent exchange of smiles she preceded past him and to her own desk where she became engrossed in her own paperwork for a couple of hours as the rest of the team poured in. She was drawn away from her thoughts by the sound of Hank's familiar rasp calling out to her from his office. "Lindsay!" She jumped up quickly and moved the short few paces to his office door and leaned her side against its frame, looking at him expectantly.

"Boss?" She asked, raising one eyebrow.

"The Gordowsky case….we got a lead. I want you and Halstead following up on. We got an anonymous tip that Gordowsky's former right hand man, Liam Kincaid isn't very happy with him, thinking if we press him enough, we can get some valuable intel about where exactly Gordowsky has been hiding out the past two weeks…." Hank spoke and she swore she was listening-kind of. She'd successfully managed to spend as little alone time with Jay as possible. Awkward silences were much easier to ignore in a large group. The thought of an impending painfully silent jaunt across town was all she could focus on as Hank droned on with more details. "Erin?" Hank's change in tone told her he'd caught her spacing off.

"Sorry," She made no attempt at an excuse, he'd have seen through it anyway.

"You. Halstead. The Rosebud on West Taylor. Kincaid's girlfriend is a cocktail server there and he and his boys have been known to get in early and do some business and throw back some booze. See what you can get."

She knew better than to question him or ask if she could maybe bring Atwater instead because Halstead seemed so busy….instead she gave him a curt nod and turned on her heel. Hank's voice carried well enough that Halstead had heard him say they were going together and he had already retrieved both of their jackets and held hers outstretched to her as they headed towards the stairs.

They walked out to their car in silence and she hated every second of it. It was weird not knowing how to act around him anymore, not knowing what to say or do. Probably because every time she tried to talk to him, her lips seemed more intent on pressing against his anyway. They didn't even attempt any playful banter about who would drive and before he felt the need to offer it to her, she made her way to the passenger side door and climbed in, turning her head immediately to stare out the passenger side window and further avoid any chance at initiating conversation. If he wanted to talk, he could talk, she was far too stubborn to make the first move. Even if on the inside, she was dying for a taste of the old easiness of their conversation.

After a few tepid minutes, Jay did break the silence. "How was your weekend?" He asked lamely. Truth be told the only reason he'd been sitting there silently for the last five minutes was because he was trying to think of the perfect thing to say. He was embarrassed for himself that after such a wait time he'd only managed to offer up an atypical small talk starter.

Erin shrugged. She knew she should've answered with words but he was going to have to try a little harder than this to make it worth her while. "Uneventful." She said finally, throwing him just the one word. She wasn't mad, Jay knew that. She just wasn't sure what to say or do anymore. She wasn't sure what he needed from her. If he was going to saddle her with all this uncertainty, he should expect sass in return.

Jay frowned. He knew that he couldn't be upset by her curtness, afterall he was the one who had created this tension between them. She was just as confused as he was and just as at a loss for what to do next. This was on him, he knew that. He wished he could open his mouth and tell her that he as good now, things were fine and he was ready to come back if she'd let him. But the words never came and he continued the short drive from the precinct to the restaurant in crestfallen silence.

Erin felt bad. She could've been more personable. Told him that she'd met up with Kim and her niece for lunch and to see a movie. She could've offered him at least that to keep the conversation going. But she hadn't. She hadn't because a part of her resented the fact he'd been so upset when she'd shut him out and now he was being a hypocrite and doing the same thing to her. But she knew it was different and even if she'd told him that, she'd have just felt like an idiot. Jay was going to a PTSD support group to help him through the shit he'd never dealt with. She'd found "support" in prescription pills, booze, and unfulfilling sex. Yeah, she definitely couldn't compare the two, not in the least. He was rebuilding his life for the better, she owed him patience with that.

He'd let her take point on their conversation with Kincaid. Whether or not things were strange between them, their ability to communicate through just a look was strong as ever and the nod he'd given her when they'd walked in had let her know she should take the lead. Kincaid told them Gordowsky and him had a big blow up after he'd stiffed him on a shipment of cocaine one of Kincaid's men had driven up all the way from New Mexico. Last he'd seen him, he'd been staying in some shitty dump near Montrose Beach and he'd given them good enough landmarks to go off of that she felt confident ending their conversation and heading back to the district. She called Hank with the info and followed a few paces behind Jay as they walked to the car.

She'd been staring absently at her phone as she walked up to the passneger's side and was surprised when she bumped into him. He was leaned up against the passenger's side door. "Oh…sorry." She looked up at him, taking a slight step back, before sliding her phone into her back pocket. "I figured you'd drive." She stated simply.

"Six whole words? To what do I owe the honor?" Jay chided, a soft smile on his lips. He knew they weren't necessarily in a state where they could tease, but he knew that technically what kind of place they were in was up to him. Her eye roll let him know she found him less than amusing. "I just…wanted to say something, before we head back." He looked at her expectantly but found her eyes giving him a similar look and he could tell she had no intention of speaking until he'd finished, so he did. "Look…I know you saw I was writing you a letter this morning. It's…an exercise from the support group…" He didn't know why telling her this made him nervous. Her facial features softened at his first admission and it gave him the confidence to continue. "As expected I am overanalyzing it and…I've written and thrown away about three dozen copies because I can't figure out how to say all the things I want to tell you." He felt like he was rambling, but for some reason telling her this made him anxious. Probably because it made him look and feel vulnerable and he hated it. "So…yeah. I just, didn't want you to think I was…a weirdo or something." He silently cursed himself, all this time to carefully plan what to say and that was the best he could come up with?

She couldn't help but smile. "Too late, I still think you're a weirdo." She offered, a bemused smile on her lips. A taste of their familiar banter was enough to make her smile grow even if she didn't want it to. Her joke set him at ease as well and before either of them had any real time to think or process, his strong hand had found and cupped her cheek. His thumb moved briefly over her bottom lip, causing her breath to catch. Their eyes studied one another, finding the pain they each felt from their own shit, but also the pain from being apart. His thumb ran over her bottom lip a few times and it made her want to close her eyes and fall against him, but she kept her eyes locked on his, willing this peaceful moment to never end. It was as though they were speaking more now then they had before even as they stood there in silence. "I can't wait to read it." She said finally, breaking the silence and their long gaze with her honest sentiment. She brought her hand up to rest on top of his as it held her face and she stayed like that for a couple more stolen seconds before forcing herself to step back. Jay's hand fell and she immediately missed its warmth. "We should get back to the district…Hank wants to do some recon on the place Kincaid mentioned and then we're all going in for a raid." She added.

Jay nodded, his voice was too caught in his throat to speak in response so he reluctantly pushed himself from the side of their vehicle and moved to the driver's side. The intensity of her eyes as he'd stared into them still weighed heavily on his heart. He hated seeing her hurt, more than anything. And he knew she was hurting because of him. Because he'd left and he hadn't given her a good enough explanation and he still couldn't. It made him feel like shit. He wanted to tell her, but he knew she knew. She didn't need to sit there and tell him it was okay, that she understood and would give him the time he needed. He knew all that. He wanted to tell her he was done dealing with his shit and he was ready to be the strong man she needed. But he wasn't yet. And he knew she'd see through it if he tried to pretend he was when he wasn't. That was the shitty thing about knowing someone like the back of your own hand; it was much harder to bullshit them.

Jay was pulled from his thoughts as he heard Erin open the passenger's side door and climb in. It prompted him to do the same and as he got in, he was shocked when her hand reached for his and intertwined their fingers. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but she did first. "I just need this right now." She whispered, sullen, staring out the window again.

Truth be told, he needed it to. He squeezed her fingers gently between his own in a silent agreement. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed holding that perfect hand until it was slid into his and now he had half a mind to never let it go again. In fact when she'd gone to retract her hand to her lap a few moments later, he was the one who'd held on tighter. This made them both smile to themselves. They drove that way the entire way back to the district, and maybe Jay had taken the opposite of a shortcut to extend the moment a littler longer, but Erin certainly didn't mind.

Baby steps.


	2. Chapter 2

Kincaid's intel had panned out and two days later, after a successful raid on the hole in the wall bar where they'd found Gordowsky, the team had all agreed to head to Molly's. Jay was initially surprised Erin had said she'd go, she'd found many convenient excuses for dipping out early on these things, if she came at all. He felt bad knowing it had a lot to do with his presence there.

His heart ached at the hurt he was causing them both, but that pain was precisely why he couldn't be with her right now. She'd seen enough ugliness in her life, been let down and leaned on by enough people, since they'd first partnered together he'd promised himself he'd be the person she got to lean on for a change, even if it wore him out.

Erin had certainly tested the strength of that dedication before. During her downward spiral, he'd questioned if he could handle all that came along with loving her. It wasn't until he'd really had _her_ back that he'd realized; she was the only person he really knew how to love. They were both broken in different ways; that was true. But somehow, the parts they were missing from themselves seemed to match up and when things were good…God damn were they good. It was because they weren't missing the same pieces, they could fill in the ones the other needed.

One night, when they were tangled up in the throws of desire and cotton sheets, he'd told her that theory. He wasn't sure if her face was flush just from the passion they'd shared or the vulnerability they'd both felt at his assertion. She'd kissed him, deeper than ever before then, in silent agreement. "Like a puzzle..." She'd murmured into the nape of his neck, before her lips had returned to his and their exploits in the sheets turned from one of lustful indulgence to intense; soul-binding love making. Afterwards when they'd lain in their bed, basked in the soft glow of streetlamps emanating from past the curtains, they'd agreed it had been the most intense thing either of them had experienced.

Jay had never really fancied himself a writer. It was part of the reason he was struggling so much with this letter. Each time he'd sat down to work on it, he'd become suddenly plagued with so many ideas that translated to so little. Or, like now, he'd get lost in a memory of her and find himself instead sketching a puzzle piece onto the paper. He balled up his most recent attempt and scooted it to the side with the others. While the rest of the crew had headed to Molly's he ducked out and headed back to Will's, shooting Atwater a text to tell him that Will had called and something had come up so he needed to head home. He felt bad lying, but, he'd had more important things on his mind than watching a drunken Ruzek challenge Atwater to another arm wrestling match when it always ended the same way, no matter how many shots the he tried to ply his formidable opponent with.

Will and Nina had gone to St. Louis for the weekend, in an attempt to salvage what they had. Nina had not really been taking it well how close Will and Natalie had been these past few months and this was how the older Halstead planned to fix things. That meant Jay finally had some time to really sit down and write this thing, uninterrupted. Which was good, because part of the whole exercise was that he was supposed to give it to her and then be able to share how it went in group later that week. After putting it off so long, he'd only given himself a couple of days to write, deliver, and hopefully discuss the contents of the letter.

Maybe he'd exaggerated a little when he told Erin he'd made three dozen attempts at this but there were at least eight failed tries sitting to his left. One of the guys in the group had been a braver man then he and had asked Mark, the counselor who lead their sessions, exactly what to write. He'd given some cryptic message about how once they started, it would just come out. So far, that hadn't been true for Jay, but admittedly he'd taken a pretty guarded approach to it. It didn't help that he hadn't had much privacy since moving in with Will and Nina and spent most of his time at the district or clocking overtime in uniform to keep himself focused.

Deciding he needed to loosen up before sacrificing anymore trees to his less than impressive attempts at this letter he moved to the kitchen to grab a couple beers and bag of pretzels before returning to the couch. Before he'd attempt to start pouring himself into this thing, he could use some liquid inspiration. He downed the first bottle quickly and then leaned back against the couch. As usual, visions of her in flashes of different memories came to him as he tried to find the words to put to paper.

He nursed his second beer a little longer than the first, but he still got up for another before sitting down to write. Vowing that no matter what he couldn't take a sip of this one until he'd written something other than a greeting on the top of the page, which was the only progress he'd really made on this sheet of paper in the past hour and change, he picked up the pen again. "Just fucking do it dude." He muttered to himself. And somehow, that seemed to be exactly what he needed to tell himself for the words to start to flow.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed since he'd started but beer number three remained untouched (and consequently now lukewarm) and he now had six pages filled with all sorts of things he didn't even realize he needed to get off his chest. As he signed his name at the bottom of the last page, he felt such a sense of relief that when he looked down, he found several wet splotches on the page that he'd come to realize were from the tears that were currently springing from his eyes.

They weren't tears of sadness, or even pain. More like ones of clemency, or absolution. As if for the first time since becoming a ranger, he'd finally let go of some of the weight that had been pressing down on his chest and subsequently – his heart.

He wanted to bring it to her now. He'd half considered running all the way to Molly's right now to bring it to her, but he wasn't even sure if she was there and he didn't think that was necessarily the most appropriate setting for delivering the single most real and earnest thing he'd ever give her. Give them both, really.

He hadn't even comprehended that he'd left Will's apartment until he found himself outside of his and Erin's once (still?) shared apartment building. It was like the journey from there to here had happened without his knowledge. Either way, he found himself standing in front of their once mutual front door and he was suddenly at a loss for whether to knock or simply use this key. Keeping in mind that she was fully trained with her gun and one of the best shots in the unit, he decided not to take his chances on startling her and knocked lightly at the door once. After a couple moments passed with no answer, he wondered if his first attempt had been too delicate and he rapped against the wood once more, this time louder, but not quite to the point he knocked when they were chasing down a lead. When again there was no answer, he almost turned to leave, but then he was struck with brilliance.

He dug the keys from his pocket and slid his into the door, it opened briskly and he walked in. "Erin?" he called out, his voice hoarse from not using it the last few hours, and probably from the crying as well, if he was being forthright about it. When he heard nothing but silence in response to her calling her name, he knew she wasn't home. It felt strange and violating being here without her and without her knowing. He dared not disturb anything. He folded the stack of papers in half and used a pen from the counter to scrawl her name across one side before depositing it on the counter. He gave himself a minute to survey their place, and to take a deep breath of that intoxicatingly familiar smell of home that this place gave him. Maybe it was because it smelled like her. He resisted the suddenly overwhelming urge to just crawl into their bed and wait for her, hoping she'd be happy to find him there. Somewhere inside, he knew she would, but that wasn't how he wanted this to play out.

He'd brooded too long there in their room, staring at the sheets that had covered them both in many an intimate foray, that he was only drawn from his memories by the sound of keys in the lock and then the obvious realization that the door was already unlocked. Shit. He hadn't meant to stay more than a minute to drop off the letter but as his eyes narrowed in on the alarm clock on her side of the bed, he realized he'd been there for over 45 minutes.

Knowing that she'd probably already drawn her sidearm he immediately made his presence known as the door creaked open. "Hey, it's me!" He said loudly, putting his hands up in surrender, making sure she knew it was just him and not some impending threat.

"Jay?" Was her response, her words coated with relief at first and then her expression seemed a mix of sheer confusion, excitement, and a bit of nervousness as well. "What are you…?" But truth be told, it honestly didn't matter why. He was here. That's all that mattered. It took very tempered restraint on her part to not just run to him, throw her arms around him, and shower him with love and affection. He had come here, he had come to her, she needed to let him do what he needed. Erin noticed right away, the far away look in his eyes, he was here but also not. She knew the feeling all too well, she'd been many places she'd never been at all. To her, that made sense. "You good?" She asked softly, moving towards him just a step.

Her question seemed to bring him back to reality slightly and the far off look left his eyes and instead, he looked at her, really looked. "I don't know how I ended up here to be honest." He just started talking, the way he'd just started writing earlier. In similar fashion, the words just seemed to come. "I guess I do know why, it's because I needed to be home. So I came here and not because here is home…well it is. But here is only home because….you." He took strides towards her now and closed the space between them. She showed no restraint and had soon closed any remaining area between them, their hands finding familiar places to rest on each other's bodies. Her's had found the slight curves at his hips while his had moved to her face, one side cupping her cheek as he had earlier that week, the other at her neck, drawing her chin up, causing her eyes to cast up to his.

Neither of them needed to speak right away. Kissing didn't even seem intimate enough to satisfy their need to just see into one another right now. They stood, looking into each other. Erin was taken aback when she watched warm tears slip from his eyes. The very sight was enough to break her. But instead of breaking, it gave her some sort of strength. She stood up on her tiptoes, her soft pouty lips pressing loving kissed over the tears, erasing them. His hands moved to her back, drawing her closer as he buried his face into her neck, his body wracking with sobs now. She was sure not even air could exist between them now. Somehow she moved them to the couch and as their legs hit the soft fabric, he'd crumpled against her.

There was no telling how long they'd stayed like that. It was truly cathartic for them both. She'd never felt so needed before and rather than making her recoil in fear of getting too attached, it had empowered her to open her heart to him that much more. She would've sat there with him as long as he wanted, her hands tracing patterns on his back, or travelling lightly up his spine before they settled into his hair. Somewhere in between this repeated motion, he'd fallen asleep. She'd felt the bulk of his body as he'd given in to heavy eyelids and she found the weight of him against her oddly comforting. She stayed there for quite some time before deciding to wiggle out from under him, change out of the clothes she'd been in all day, and maybe then she'd whisper to him just enough to let her help him to their bed and then she'd join him.

Well that had certainly been her intention as she'd gone back towards the door to kick off her shoes. It was then that the stack of folded papers had caught her eye. Jay's letter….that was why he'd come over and it also provided a better insight on that far off look he'd had earlier. He had been somewhere else entirely before, now she was sure of it. It was amazing how your body could be in one place, but your mind could travel through time in space in mere seconds. She dared not get lost in her own far off thoughts and instead; she moved swiftly towards the paper treasure.

She'd contemplated waking him right then, asking if it was okay for her to read it now, but then…wasn't that why he'd brought it? He'd intended on leaving it for her, of that she was sure. Maybe he didn't want to be there when she'd read it. But then, maybe he didn't know what he'd want until the situation arose. Her curiosity won out and before she could give another thought to discussing it with him first, she'd plucked the papers from the counter and headed off to the sanctuary of their bedroom. Somehow she knew she needed to be alone to read this. She knew if nothing else, the shaking of her body with the tears she was sure were bound to come, would've woken him. The dark circles in his eyes showed the heavy burden he'd been carrying alone, he needed the sleep.

She didn't bother to close the door and she flopped down on her stomach, drawing up the first page, ready to consume it as though it were the only sustenance she'd ever need. As she read, the words consumed her in a similar fashion as they had done to him when he'd written them. Her heart could barely take it when she'd squinted to read through the smudged ink on the back only to realize they'd been born of tears; his tears. She fought the urge to run out to the living room and cradle him into her arms again. She needed more time with the letter before she disturbed his slumber. She slid up from her stomach and propped herself up against the headboard with a couple pillows before diving in again.

 _Mine,_

 _I have been sitting here trying to figure out where to start and as I finally write now, I realize it doesn't matter where I start. This is you. I could make no sense in any of the things I say right now and still, somehow, you'll understand. That's why I love you. That's why I love us. It's always been us. Even when we weren't who we are now._

 _I wish you could've met Jay Halstead. I know, that sounds crazy but come with me for a second with this. I wish you could've met the old Jay. Before the Rangers. When my biggest problems were why Valerie Santoni only seemed to want to hang out with me when Will was visiting from college. I was a different guy then. That Jay had a mother. A dad that hadn't gone full asshole yet. And even an older brother I admired, though it's your life on the line if you ever share that piece with him. That Jay had never taken a life. That Jay hadn't seen what this Jay has. Sounds stupid referring to myself in the third person, but I think you know better than anyone what I mean. I kind of wish the guy I was could see me now, tell me what he thinks._

 _A lot of things about being in the rangers messed me up. Is it fucked up to say that it wasn't even the killing I did that got to me. It was the killing around me. Friends, kids Erin….18….19 year olds kids. Kids that would be there one morning in the mess hall eating breakfast and cracking jokes about screwing each others moms and sisters back in the states even when we knew they were all virgins….and then seeing them come back dead or sometimes worse – left limbless from an IED. I know it may sound crazy to say that would be worse than dying but to some of these guys…it really was. Little kids too Erin – civillians. We'd raid buildings and then the shooting would start and it's war…there will always be unfair side effects to it, I knew that….but it becomes hard to live with yourself when you find the body of a 12 year old girl hiding in a corner, riddled with bullets and you pull her back to check her pulse and find the body of her five year old brother underneath, his tattered clothing soaked with both of their blood. It fucks you up. It haunts you. Because you can't be quite sure where your bullets land in those moments and you start to see that you can't help but become a monster, even if you're doing it in the name of patriotism._

 _How did that lead to Abby? I wish I knew. I think it was more that all the things I saw and did over there started to add up. It was hard to see the difference between reality and nightmares sometimes because for months on end, we lived in a constant loop where you didn't know where the nightmare ended and being awake began. It all felt the same. Empty and devoid of everything but pain and gore and death. And watching guys who are tough and strong lose their minds. Lose everything. Sometimes, even take it from themselves. So you drink and it goes away and you know it's temporary so you drink more until the reason you don't wake up from the nightmare is because you live in a constant haze of not facing reality. You know that place because you've been there before…..after Nadi…..a and I can only imagine all the other times from what you've been through. Maybe we met in that place before the rest of us found each other._

 _Abby happened because I wanted something real. Mom was gone. Will was off giving fuck all about me. Dad was….dad. I wanted the pain to be gone. Drinking numbed it. Sex gave the illusion of some sort of happiness…a sense of release. She understood on some level more than other girls who I knew or picked up at bars. We were all in Vegas…..seemed like a great idea after a few rounds of absinthe and who knows what else. After a certain point you don't taste anything but the fact that you don't have to think anymore._

 _I remember waking up the next day. I realized what I'd done and I can't lie….I got in the shower and I cried. I cried thinking of my Mom….and how disappointed she'd have been with where I was now. How I'd so casually taken a vow that I knew I had no intention of keeping with Abby….a girl who I barely knew and knew very well all at once. We'd both agreed we were idiots and had the papers drawn up. I'd sign the annulment immediately and sent it to her before I left Vegas….assumed it was filed and moved on with my life. I didn't so much as think of her at all after. Kind of makes me feel like a dick to realize that now. I wonder how she dealt with any of it. Maybe that's why she never signed the papers….to punish me for being an insensitive dick about things. I just….never spoke to her. Even when she reached out and she did….a lot. She even tracked down Will and got him to call me when we hadn't spoken in over a year. I got good at losing her trail and eventually she stopped trying. Until she'd shown up those weeks ago, I hadn't even given her or our…..wedding a thought in years._

 _I lost myself in a series of meaningless hook ups keeping friends at bay until the academy. I found a different way to channel my pain, use my skills, find myself. Find you. My heart. My soul. My air. My everything. The only thing. You saved me from myself when I thought I didn't need saving. When I thought I was the one saving you. But that's how you always are I guess. You reach out to people a little and you leave this lasting impression on them forever. You did it to Hank. You can tell when he looks at you, you are his proudest achievement._

 _I guess I've said what I needed for now…there's more but I could fill books with all the stories I've locked away in here. I'm ready to come back to you if you'll have me. I'm ready to be there forever. Will helped me get a lawyer who basically forced Abby's hand. The papers are signed and filed now, it's done now, for real._

 _There are times when I look at you and it is soul stirring just how remarkable you are. I know I am not always a romantic or the type to articulate just how important you are to me and how much I love you. But know that I think it every single time my eyes find yours across a crowded room, or when your hands brush against mine in passing and absolutely light me on fire. You came into my life and you made my heart beat again. You gave me a reason to get up and go to work. You gave me a reason to work through my shit. You gave me a reason to want to, no screw that an actual need to be better because fucking hell Erin you deserve the goddamn world. I can't give it to you, I know that. But fuck do I promise to try._

 _Love,_

 _Yours_

Erin must've read those pages a hundred times before sleep had finally come for her too. She'd managed the piece of mind to drag herself out to the couch first and though she made no attempt to wake up, she slipped herself right under him again. He readjusted himself to her new found presence and for the first time she'd he'd packed his bag and headed to Will's; they'd both found restful sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Erin was surprised to find herself waking up in bed, her head snuggled into her pillow rather than the arm of the couch. She almost didn't want to open her eyes for fear that last night had been just a dream and that wasn't something she was willing to concede yet. She didn't have to open her eyes to find out if last night was real or not because suddenly she felt her body pulled closer to his chest and his arms encircled her so she was flush against his warm bare skin. It was when his lips pressed a lazy kiss to her forehead that she had a vague memory of him stirring her some hours ago and then carrying her from the couch to their bed.

When she did finally open her eyes, they were met by his staring down at her. The grin on his lips had radiated all the way to his eyes and the happy satisfaction that played there was infectious. Soon, she was smiling too; lifting her hand to the side of his face and willing his lips down to meet her own, a feeling she'd missed more than she cared to admit even to herself. They lay there for several long moments, their kisses a mix of passionate, sweet, almost timid at some points – hands exploring each other's familiar terrain and taking note of little differences from the last month. As much as a huge part of her wanted to simply ravish him on the spot – finally indulge in the sweet relief she'd craved in his absence, she kept her yearnings at bay. They had too much to say before she could let them give into their carnal desires.

"Good morning," She finally lamented, breaking their series of kisses, albeit with a fair amount of reluctance. Her lips were puffy now, from the kisses no doubt, but from gnawing on the bottom one as she'd worked to memorize each line of that beautiful letter last night.

"Morning." He mumbled back, stealing a few more kisses before giving in to the fact that they'd have to put a temporary hold on that behavior until they talked a little more and resolved some...things. After all, he was the one who'd brought them here, it was only fair that they reach a point of resolution before merely falling into old habits, leaving the important stuff unsaid.

Neither of them were professionals at talking about their feelings, that was probably a big part of the reason they'd landed here today. Both content to give the other space and time, they'd only recently come to find that maybe that was the exact last thing either of them really needed. Being alone gave you the excuse to lose yourself somewhere and when you don't bring anyone along to the dark places; it can be exceedingly hard to find your way back to the light. Erin Lindsay was his light; he knew that without a doubt. His dark place had been pitch black in the years before she'd become his partner. It was only now, as he looked at her basked in the warmth of his own body heat and the staggered rays of sunlight that peaked in through the window that he realized just how much she'd brightened all of him in the years he'd come to know and eventually fall in love with her. It was why he was able to shove all of his shit down for so long, pretend it didn't exist. She made him want to be better and for moments there, he felt he was. But that's the thing about darkness, it can damper even the brightest of lights.

"I read it." She squeaked out finally, breaking his thoughts. She'd seen him go off to a far away place again in the last few moments and she feared if he went there too long she'd lose her chance to start a conversation.

It was only when she'd said those words that he realized he hadn't even read what he'd wrote. He barely remembered the words he'd poured onto those lined sheets of paper the night before. He felt suddenly self conscience, but one look into those reassuring green eyes and he knew that judging him for any of it was not even a fleeting thought in her mind. "I didn't." He admitted, almost embarrassed.

"That's okay, it was meant for me anyway, right?" She moved slightly away from him, only to stretch her arm back to the nightstand and grab the pile of papers. She noticed now there were new smudges of the ink, these ones added by her own salty tears as she'd read the pages over and over last night before discarding them on the nightstand; giving in to sleep with him on the couch. "Do you want to?" She asked, brandishing the pages in her hand.

Jays eyes looked at the pages and then at her face and his only response was to take them from her hands. He noticed how his shook when he held the pages, but her hands came over to steady his and soon they were both pulling themselves up to sit. She rubbed his back as he read the letter and pretended not to notice when his tears came again. A lot of what he wrote, he found to be things he hadn't even admitted to himself before. He couldn't fight the urge to feel embarrassed by what he'd shared. Even though he loved this woman more than life, the idea of being this vulnerable to anyone made him feel physically sick.

It was like he'd say those things out loud because once he had finished the last page of his letter she'd plucked the pages from him and then pulled him against her chest, letting him find silent solace in the softness and warmness of her skin and the thin red fabric of the t-shirt she wore. Despite his natural urge to retract into himself, he forced himself to stay there, in her arms and allow himself comfort in her sweet but strong touch. As much as he truly did enjoy the feeling of laying against her enjoying his only true moments of relief or reprieve in the past four weeks, he was exceedingly happy to be pulled from their comfortable silence by husky words falling from her lips. "Make love to me," She whispered into the top of his head.

The words stirred him to action and in one fell swoop, his tall form was towering over hers and his lips moved against hers with unbridled intensity. He'd made fast work of the tiny amount of clothes that separated her from him and after taking the briefest of moments to admire and appreciate the absolute perfection of her body, his lips had found hers and they denied their longings no more.

Hours seemed to pass before they'd tired themselves out enough to take a break. They'd found sweet release in each other's bodies, intense passionate connection, and at one point, tears had come for both of them and they sat there fully immersed in one another, allowing all of their walls to not just come down, but to be taken a sledgehammer to.

They'd always shared a guardedness that had kept each other at bay over the last few years and it wasn't until she surveyed the metaphorical wreckage around her that she truly saw that she couldn't have put her walls up again now if she tried. The absolute tenderness in which he had just taken her had finally broken through even her toughest barriers and she was his now, forever, whether she wanted to be or not. And she did. More than anything. Though it lacked any type of grace, she finally spoke. "I fucking love you." She grinned up from under him.

He'd been sat over her for a few moments now, watching her lost in her mind over whatever it was she'd just been thinking about. His right hand had made work of playing with her hair and keeping it from her face and with her confession of love he couldn't help but smile, a real smile this time. He kissed her softly, propped up on his left elbow as his eyes worked to remember every single second of the way her face looked in this moment. "I fucking love you, too." He smirked, drawing her to rest against him once more. "Always." He'd added, for posterity's sake.

Their day seemed to switch back in forth between love making, whispered confessions, and well – more love making. "Okay, no more Halstead, I need to be able to walk tomorrow." She giggled from under him, her face still flush from the pleasure he'd just bestowed upon her. He came up from between her legs and with an over exaggerated sigh, and planted one last sloppy kiss against her lips.

"We had to make up for lost time, what can I say?" He quipped, kissing her forehead, but truth be told, he'd worn himself out from that last round as well and he welcomed the momentary lapse in their need to explore every inch of each other's bodies.

"Well…I have to admit I kind of fucked things up today." The petite brunette confessed.

Jay gave her a confused look, "Things were fucked today Erin, that is for damn sure…" He smirked at his attempted joke, "But nothing was fucked up. Quite the opposite actually." He added, offering her reassurance.

She laughed gently and then a little louder than she would've liked, as she'd have preferred to keep the air of sensuality about her a little longer. "That is so not what I meant." She giggled and kissed him again, nibbling on his bottom lip playfully before drawing back. "I meant that I had something to give you but then I got distracted by needing you so badly that I…." She couldn't finish the sentence. For some reason, the words weren't coming out. Maybe it was because she'd already given them to paper last night. "Just…" She fought off the urge to recoil into her discomfort and the confusion knitted into her lover's brow told her she needed to just suck it up and get it out already. "I wrote you too…seemed fair." She said, her voice so quiet Jay had to strain to hear her.

It took a couple seconds to process her words since she'd said them so softly and his features went from confused to appreciative in milliseconds. "You did?" He asked quietly, trying to keep his childlike excitement at bay.

"I did." She nodded and she leaned over to the nightstand again, this time opening the top draw to produce a series of yellow lined papers of her own. "But…." She gnawed at her bottom lip once more. "I don't think I can be here when you read it." She croaked out hoarsely. He nodded in understanding and had to keep himself from physically forcing her from the room so he could read her thoughts and confessions before she changed her mind about letting him.

Erin found amusement in this, oddly enough and after pressing a few more kisses to his lips she'd made her way to the bathroom to have a shower and leave him there with her words and vulnerabilities, albeit reluctantly.

She hadn't intended on writing him back but after reading how he'd poured his heart and soul into those pages, she felt she'd owed him the same, if not more. She had put him through hell when she was "dealing" with her shit and if she had let him in back them, maybe it wouldn't have taken them so long to get to a place where they could share even the dark and ugly parts without the fear of losing each other or hating themselves too much to stay. As it had been for Jay, once she started to write, the words just kept coming.

 _Mine,_

 _I have to admit I am stealing that greeting because it is absolutely the only thing I can think to call you after what I read in your letter. You are mine. I am yours. I have never belonged to anyone really or wanted to. For a time, I refused to let myself belong to you because I thought if I did you would just hurt me. But you wouldn't. Even when you left me four weeks ago, I knew you weren't doing it to cause me pain. It was to alleviate some of your own. I wish I couldn't helped you through it but after pushing you away when I needed you the most, I guess it was fitting to be forced to taste my own medicine. I promise to never push you away again. Truth be told it didn't make dealing with anything easier, only worse and more horrific. Watching you deal with this alone has shown me how much pain I was putting through when I kept pushing you away._

 _I've only recently come to accept that being self-destructive has been a choice I have made repeatedly for years. True - Bunny and her string of would-be stepfathers certainly didn't help me to make positive decisions in my life. But at some point I was old enough, smart enough, and strong enough to know I could take myself out of that place and instead I lived comfortably in the excuses to be a fuck up and content to allow myself to do shitty things. I could justify them because I had been hurt and shit on. But that's a fucking cop out. Hank and Camille had given me a way out more than once and I continued to take advantage of their kindness and trust because I could and because the chip on my shoulder made me feel like I had a right to._

 _Fuck I can be a selfish bitch. Camille isn't even here for me to thank her and no matter how many times Hank tells me she knows how I felt, I still can't get past the guilt of never actually saying it out loud._

 _I am great at being alone. I am great at shutting people out and keeping them at arms length. I'm great at ruining every good thing I get before it has a chance to blow up in my face. I guess that comes back my to need to have control. I'm sorry for that. I know it can be a lot to take. Loving someone like me is no small task._

 _Fuck I've written this much and said a lot of nothing so far. You were so real with me in your letter and I want to find a way to be that raw with you as well. It's just scary. I've fought so long to be a person who needs no one really and the way I need you is terrifying and wonderful all at once._

 _I'll spare us both the gory details of the shit I went through as a kid. Mostly for my sake more than yours. I wish I could tell you some of the things that happened that explain why I am this person but I have buried them down so deep beneath my self destruction that I am afraid of what will happen if I bring them back up._

 _You said you drank to forget and to numb and fuck do I know how that is. Alcohol had been my weapon of choice for a long time until Bunny introduced Xanax and Percocet into my life and fuck if they didn't work better at dulling my shit. Plus they were easier and more fast acting and soon I was doing things to get them that I shudder now to admit. Bunny was supposed to be my MOTHER and protect me from the darkness of the world but instead she'd brought me into it hand in hand, like it was a way for us to bond and understand one another. I don't think I can ever forgive her for that. The person who was meant to keep me safe had put me in harms way since I was old enough to remember._

 _Fuck it. You need to know at least a little to understand. I hope this doesn't scare you away…._

 _When I was fourteen she basically convinced me to have sex with/give favors to our dealer in exchange for a weekly pill supply. I knew it was wrong and I knew that I was too young but when your only approval comes from helping to score for your "family" then it seems like you are doing your part and stepping up. So I did. It felt disgusting every single time. I hated it. So I drank more and took more pills and honestly I hoped that one night I'd have combined too much of the two and I wouldn't have to wake up the face the next day._

 _Hank doesn't even know about everything. He does to some extent….he is the one who found me when I was 15, engaging in similar patterns and behavior. He was the first person who I'd ever felt looked at me with sympathy instead of repulsion over it. He'd looked at me, really looked at me and he said something I'd never heard before. "I'm sorry this happened to you."_

 _It was then I realized that this was all just happening to me. It wasn't just life. It was what I was allowing my life to be. I went to live with the Voights and continued to show I didn't deserve their kindess for the first three years. I'd sneak out, be a TERRIBLE influence on Justin, just push the limits of their loyalty as far as they'd let me. I stole things from them to buy drugs, brought questionable people home when they were at work and I was supposed to be at school. But Hank never kicked me out. When I left it was on my own fruition and he made sure I knew he would be waiting when I snapped out of it. He honestly gave me too many chances. Who knows where I'd be if he hadn't._

 _I'm fucked up Jay. I'm broken beyond repair. From things far out of my control and from the things I did to myself. From the shit when I was a kid, stuff I've seen on the job, things I've done for Voight….things I've done to you. What happened to Nadia…my weakness and affinity for numbing pain rather than dealing with it._

 _Your letter inspired me in a way I never have been before. I need to be here for you the way you need to be here for me. I will never stop needing you. I will never stop wanting and loving you. Even if I try to push you away. Refuse. Stand up to me. Force me to deal with the hard stuff because finally I have a reason to. You are my reason. For living, for breathing, for fighting, for trying. For loving myself finally. I guess your letter helped me see myself through your eyes rather than my own and I must admit I've been spoiled by it. I've been spoiled by you._

 _You've ruined me for anyone else so I hope you can accept the fact that now that you've let me in…I can't leave. Our love is where I exist now and without it I fear greatly for what would be left of me._

 _Love,_

 _Yours_

Jay was so engrossed by her words he hadn't heard the shower go off or seen her towel wrapped frame appear in the door. She cried silent tears as she watched him read her letter, memorizing the way his features reacted to her words without his knowledge. Sadness, anger, love, she could read a mix of emotions passing over his face as he moved through the paragraphs again and again as she had with his own last night.

Finally making her presence known, she took a tepid step forward; causing him to draw his red, tear stained baby blues over to her. He rose quickly from the bed and pulled her into a long and impassioned embrace. They stayed there for a long time, holding each other, occasionally bestowing chaste kisses to each other's lips before they agreed that sleep was the next natural progression. For the second time in two days, they both slept uninterrupted, entangled in the throws of love. Tomorrow they didn't have the day off and it would be back to reality. Today had been their own slice of refuge – a much needed secret escape to repair not just their relationship, but to begin to repair some of the most damaged parts of themselves.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to EVERYONE who has reviewed, your words have truly touched me and encouraged me to keep going with this story that has lived in my head for a few weeks now. I would love to keep going as long as you are along for the ride with me so please leave a review and tell me what you think. Now without further adu, chapter 4….no letters in this one but a deeper look into Lindsay's past. Enjoy!**

She did all she could avoid the inevitable conversation she knew she'd be trapped into by Platt as she and Jay walked in to the district the next morning, both of them practically glowing. She'd tried to casually swoop bye with a slight wave but then, the older woman had laughed loudly. "Not so fast Lindsay…." Erin stopped mid-step and wrinkled her nose, bracing for the impending intrusive question she was bound to get form the other woman. Jay, who hadn't been addressed by the lovable desk sergeant, took the opportunity to abandon her for the stairs, but not before giving her a playful swat on the butt and kiss on the cheek to really send Trudy over the edge.

Erin shot daggers at him before turning around to face the other woman, walking back towards her desktop, resting both of her elbows there, unable to stop the widely growing grin on her own face. "What can I do for you, sarge?" She asked, a small laugh accompanying her words, because of course she already knew but she had to admit, she was looking forward to hearing the colorful way in which Platt would present the question.

"Looks like you've finally stopped mopping around this place and leaving a trail of mud with that rain cloud you've been bringing in these last few weeks." The other woman said from across the way, she'd lowered herself to her elbows and did Erin the courtesy of at least keeping their conversation quiet enough to avoid becoming coffee pot gossip.

In spite of herself, Erin giggled again, though she was sure that did nothing to help her case right now if she were trying to deny anything. "I guess you could say I've learned to….bring an umbrella." She said with a wink and before she knew it, Trudy had reached across the desk to give her a stiff, but still very sweet hug, muttering something about being happy for her. It made Erin's smile widen and soon both dimples emerged, emanating happiness. The small gesture was meaningful for both of them.

Just as quickly as the hug had started it ended and Platt was smoothing the front of her uniform and clearing her throat. "Nice looking umbrella." She winked and then, with a dismissive wave of her hand, she ended the conversation and released Lindsay from her line of questioning, for now.

The celebration over nailing Gordowsky was a short lived one because they'd already caught a new case and this guy made their recent foe look like amateur hour. Sure getting coke off the streets was a big deal, especially when the guy was known to rough up a hooker or two when their pimps had offered them up as collateral.

Their new case involved the kidnapping of a 15 year old girl. Her suspected abductor was her high school biology teacher who, plying her with pills and promises of a better life then the one they lived in in small town Georgia, had convinced her to meet him at a gas station at 3 am and leave for Los Angeles. Maybe the guy was bad at navigating but, they'd ended up in Chicago. Since the case had gone multi-state, the FBI had been involved and multiple calls to their sightings hotline had put him in a Chicago neighborhood that Erin was regretful to be all to familiar with given it's reputation for being a mecca of sorts for junkies; especially those into pills and powders.

Hank was reluctant to send her out into the field on this one, given the bad place he knew she'd been in recently, without having to ask. He knew she hadn't gone completely down the rabbit hole like she used to, but he always acted a little more protective of her then he would ever admit. The noticeable change in her demeanor today had strengthened his confidence and after a brief closed doors conversation in his office about how she knew the place better than anyone so she knew where to look…he couldn't exactly argue to have her stay back. She knew exactly why he was worried about her going and it took a long time of her holding his gaze in silence without backing down or looking away first before he'd been fully convinced to let her go. It was something they'd agree to never speak of so she dared not bring it up, at least not to him. Hank had held her in that uncomfortable lock until she felt she might just break but she'd passed his test and he gave a curt nod letting her know he'd made his decision. She was definitely not staying back.

Jay was worried too, she could tell by the way Hank had looked at her, though he didn't know what it was he needed to worry about. Any time Voight got concerned about Erin, it seemed to infect him too. "I'm driving." She'd said, standing in front of his desk, leaning over to pull the top drawer open and retrieve the keys. He couldn't say he didn't appreciate the view and perhaps he leaned back in his chair with his hands folded behind his head to enjoy it a little more obviously than he should given the fact they were at work and he was pretty sure Voight would have had no problem disposing of his body if he'd felt Jay had crossed some sort of line, especially here.

The team rolled out to Gage Park. They'd broken down into smaller groups to explore the area around where the girl, Carla Page and her 47 year old captor, Brad Helmouth had been spotted. Atwater and Ruzek had gone to the convenience store they'd been seen at to ask for footage and talk to the people who worked there. Voight and Olinsky were touching base with one of Olinsky's CI's whose store was often used as a waypoint for dealers and junkies to meet up.

That had left Halstead and Lindsay to head down to some of the old abandoned buildings near the Central Steel & Wire Company plant that she was ashamed to know the precise locations of without having to even think about it. Jay knew better than to ask, she'd tell him if she wanted and after everything they'd shared the past two days, he didn't want to push her to share if she wasn't ready, not when they were finally in a place where they felt comfortable enough to really open up.

Erin had been wrestling with similar thoughts to her partner's. Part of her wanted to tell him why Voight had questioned her going to Gage Park and why honestly, even as she drove there now, she was still trying to make herself believe she would be totally fine with it. Maybe telling him would make it easier, she suddenly thought. And before she had a chance to second-guess her resolve, she decided she would tell him. As they drove towards W 51st St she swallowed the lump in her throat and without looking at him; she just started to speak.

"Voight's worried because he has come down to Gage Park more than once to haul me out of the exact places you and I are going right now. Granted I was a teenager at the time and I haven't been down here in forever… not even last time….I'm not desperate enough to walk my dumb ass into Gage Park at night ever again, or during the day. But…" She sighed. "In the interest of continuing our new tradition of not being closed off people who try to carry all of their baggage alone, I thought that maybe I should tell you a little about some of…that…" She sighed and felt the heavy burden of those words like they weighed a thousand pounds as they left her lips.

Jay placed an encouraging hand on her thigh, "Of course," He countered, keeping his reply brief as not to discourage her from continuing, lest she lose her nerve if he'd rambled on too long.

She nodded and though she still didn't turn to look at him, one of her hands dropped from the steering wheel to rest atop his where it remained now, his fingers resting on her inner thigh. His touch gave her courage and she relaxed with him there, hoping he wouldn't dare move now that his closeness had brought her such relief. "I moved in with Hank when I was 15 but I was an asshole, like I mentioned earlier, and I would often runaway for a few nights at a time to skip school, shack up with some older loser who could get me what I wanted, and escape from a reality I didn't really want to face. These winners usually took me down to the abandoned steel plant and we'd all party and…." She swallowed hard unable to finish her sentence.

After the beautiful and passionate day they'd had, it felt wrong to admit the things she'd down with these relative strangers even if it was in a different lifetime, a million miles from here. Jay squeezed her leg in silent understanding that he knew and she didn't have to say it, so she kept going. "And yeah…not the finest point in my journey to where I am now." She sighed at herself, but kept talking, though the memory and retelling of it became harder to share as she went on. "I remember being 17…" She shook her head as she recounted the painful memory she hadn't given credence to in a long time. Her eyes became glassy and glazed over with threatening tears but she did not allow them to fall. Instead she took a moment, when they'd stopped at a red light, to close her eyes and take a deep breath like Dr. Charles had shown her and she collected herself enough to continue just as the light changed to bask the window of their Sierra with a faint neon green glow.

Clearing her throat, she continued. "Hank comes busting into this room I'm in with his giant police issued baton flashlight and the guy I'm with…" She was embarrassed to say she had no idea about his name and only a faint memory of how he looked because of the fear that Hank had struck into him before he'd…..she stopped the memory there, freezing it. She couldn't think of that part of this story, not yet. She shuddered slightly, but persisted.

"He flipped out. It was probably because we'd both done a few bumps of a cocktail he'd created out of various pills and the little bit of coke I'd brought…" Her stomach flipped at the casual way she was talking about her former drug use to him, details she was pretty sure had never left her lips when she hadn't been forced to talk about them for CI purposes…or to confess her sins to Voight in order to get her phone privileges back after her inevitable house arrest style groundind she'd endure after he'd dragged her back to their house after a bender. But there was no need to sugar coat things with Jay, he'd proven he could handle her worst.

"The guy freaks out and he grabs a hypodermic needle from the floor….it didn't belong to either of us. Told Hank if he didn't get out, he'd jam it into my neck…Clearly he didn't know who Hank was." She finally turned to look at him in the eyes before she continued. "This stays between us forever…" Erin held out her pinky and wordlessly, Jay hooked his with her own in a pinky promise. It was something neither of them had ever done together and hadn't done respectively in years either, but for some reason, just made sense in the moment.

She turned away from him to focus on the road again before continuing. Really she knew if she'd forced herself to look him in the eyes for this part of the story, she would've surely lost her nerve. "He shot him in the head without a thought. Literally murdered him in cold blood. I remember the blood spraying on my face and clothes. I screamed. I was terrified. Hank had zero sympathy. He just looked at me and said, that if this was the life I wanted for myself I should stay and clean up this nice apartment I'd gotten. And then he just left me there. With a lifeless body on top of me." She took a deep breath, but to her surprise, she didn't start to cry. She didn't want to look at Jay, afraid he'd have horror written across his face and that she'd gone too far by telling him this, especially since it involved some pretty dark stuff with Hank.

"Sounds fucked up, but he was right. I sat there in shock for a little while and then I…somehow all my clothes got back on and when I walked out of the building however long later, he was waiting outside for me. Leaned against his car holding a towel and some water. Then he…I don't even remember what. But he cleaned me up and on the way home he got me some coffee to sober me up a little before putting me to bed. We never spoke of it…I have never….told….I don't like to think about that night." She sighed, her resolve was weakening and they were getting closer to the warehouse, she couldn't let herself break down, not when they were working a case. "I stayed clean for two years after that, the longest I'd been clean for….well, since I started using. Rode the straight and narrow pretty much, it's the only reason I graduated high school." Then, abruptly, she decided story time was over. She indicated this by turning on the radio and letting the melody fill the newfound silence.

Jay had sensed that she didn't want him to react, at least not yet. He had all sorts of feelings about what she'd just told him. It had hit him like a ton of bricks to imagine her in that situation, and all of the terribly awful ones she'd been in before that. The series of unfortunate circumstances that had led her to be where she was that night were probably full of memories like the one she'd just shared. He had an overwhelming wish that he could've known her in that lifetime. Protected her from all of these demons so they couldn't haunt her anymore. But then, he knew she wouldn't have become the woman he loved now and he loved every single part of her, exactly the way she was. Darkness and all.

He was definitely shocked with her confession about Voight, but he dared not let his emotions show as she talked, afraid he'd scare the story to a premature end. He did judge Voight for some of the transgressions he'd heard about over the years, he couldn't lie. But he could honestly say this wasn't one of those times. Part of him wished he could've killed that bastard himself. Though they drove the rest of the way in silence, he kept his hand on her thigh the whole time, occasionally rubbing it up and down gently, and even leaning over to steal a soft kiss at the last red light, offering her some reassurance and hoping to convey that this is a conversation he'd want to finish later, maybe not tonight, but sometime.

They arrived on 51st not too long after and they both drew their weapons to investigate each room of the old warehouse, clearing each one together in their search for Carly and Helmouth. They'd found a couple of strung out college aged kids who they'd sent packing, another they'd called an ambo for when they found her in a pool of her own vomit, nearly aspirated, until Erin had dove to her knees to turn the girl on her side and beat her back until she choked the rest of it up. It was an act she'd done for too many a friend in her youth, the familiarity of it all struck a cord that she pushed down inside of her. They'd both stayed with her until the EMT's arrived and them moved up to the last floor to clear the remaining rooms. Jay hadn't asked which room it was that the ordeal she'd described earlier had taken place in, but he had a feeling they hadn't encountered it yet.

He was sure they were about to now though, when they rounded the final stair case, goose bumps formed at the base of her neck and the short whispy hairs there stood up as her ponytail bounced around with her final ascent up the worn stairs. She stopped for a moment. "I can clear these if you- " he said, his voice quiet and unassuming. 

"No-" She cut him off and though she did step back to let her maneuver himself to take point, she followed him into _the_ room. Stepping foot inside made her sick and before she could stop it, she was rushing to the corner of the room, throwing up. Jay moved next to her, rubbing her back. It was less them glamorous, but she didn't have the energy or wherewithal to feel ashamed right now. It would remain the second thing to happen in this room that it seemed she would exchange silent vow to never speak of. Jay said nothing as he gave her time to collect herself.

The noise of her wretches wouldn't have been suspicious to any junkies holed up in here, thankfully, so they didn't need to worry about scaring anyone off. After taking a moment to gather herself, they'd finished their sweep of the rooms and came up with nothing more than a couple used condoms they'd picked up with gloved hands and deposited into evidence bags for the lab, hoping there would be some sort of DNA evidence to tell them if Carla and Helmouth had been here recently. Erin sort of hoped it would reveal they hadn't. She shuttered to think of the young girl, high out of her mind, letting this disgusting pervert have his way with her. If she was anything like most of the girls who wound up in this sort of life, she thought the guy loved her and that fucking him meant that their love was real. Sadly, all it truly revealed was the opposite. Erin knew, because _she_ had been that girl before. She closed her eyes, taking a few more of the Dr. Charles prescribed deep breathes and peered around that room once more before they headed out of the building. "Eddie…" She said quietly.

"What?" Jay asked, moving to follow her as she had just started down the stairs.

"I remembered his name." She said simply, as though he'd been along with her train of thought the whole time.

They each holstered their guns and got back in the car. Jay called Voight and let him know they'd found nothing. He and Al had received good intel though and everyone was going back to the district to go over this new information. Ruzek and Atwater also had the video surveillance from the convenience store on Maplewood. It seemed Helmouth and Carly made a trip their for snack foods, drinks, and cigarettes every other day at around 1:30 am.

The warehouse may have turned up empty as far as the case went, but it was another stepping stone for Erin and Jay that neither of them would have traded for anything.


	5. Chapter 5

Erin had just finished brushing her teeth in their bathroom mirror when he'd come up behind her, snaked a strong arm around her waist and spun her around, pulling her towards him. Placing a loving kiss on her forehead he held her there for a moment. "Morning." He smiled down at her as her free hand reached up to trail lovingly over his taut stomach, the other bracing them both against the ceramic sink.

He glanced over her head for a moment, at a yellow sticky note that now stood out to him from the place where she, he could only assume, had taped it to the mirror. He must've been in such a cloud of post-coital/emotional breakthrough haze the last few days that this was the first time he'd noticed it there. But, from the curled up corners of the paper, obviously touched by the shower's steam, he knew it had been there for some time now. "What's that?" He asked, leaning over her shoulder to read the message he could tell was in her handwriting, but thanks to the stark fluorescent lighting of the bathroom and the lightness of the pencil she'd used to write with, he had to strain to see the words.

Slightly embarrassed, Erin had spun around and instinctively reached up to tear down the small, offending piece of paper, before he could read it. Jay beat her to it and he'd covered the note with his large hand, obstructing her ability to swipe at the paper. She should've known that her sudden movement would've only motivated him to read it more and with his reach was almost double that of hers, she'd stood no chance of getting to it before he had. _Should've played it cool, Lindsay!_ She mentally scolded herself. "Fine," She gave him a highly exaggerated sigh, one that signaled that even though she was going to pout about, she didn't really mind if he saw it. After the things they'd divulged, this sticky note was nothing. It just made her feel a little silly, especially the over-exaggerated way in which she knew he'd choose to read out, aloud, undoubtedly.

Jay didn't disappoint, he changed his voice into his best Erin impression (which, honestly sounded nothing like her because as she'd told him many times, he just couldn't pull off her sexy rasp) "My mantra-" He began, "The best project.." His voice stopped being one that failed miserably to imitate hers and returned to his normal tone as his eyes had finished reading the sentence before he'd spoken the words out loud. He spoke again, more seriously; "The best project you can work on is you." He mulled over the words and, instead of teasing her to no avail about having written a mantra on a sticky note like some girl in a romantic comedy like she'd have thought, he gave her a very thoughtful smile.

"That's deep, kid." He said, taking a very weak playful jab at her, but in actuality, he could appreciate the sentiment of the words and had no desire to make fun of her for using them as a reminder or motivation to keep going, even when she'd been feeling so lost and alone without him.

"Ha ha." She rolled her eyes impishly at him, though her cheeks had blushed a little and one dimple showed with her embarrassed, nervous smile.

"No, but really, I like it." He instantly professed, giving her a look of serious understanding. How could he not appreciate the wisdom of that message when it so fittingly it applied to them both?

Though he hadn't asked, she decided to elaborate. "Blame Kim, okay. She came over for a girl's night and we'd shared a bottle of wine and…" It was hard to be honest about things she'd done in his absence that had still made her happy. Truthfully, those moments had been fleeting. She'd resigned herself to live in a bubble of misery until he returned. Kim had refused to let her and despite the fact she was dealing with a lot of serious stuff at home with Nicole and being the new co-parent of sorts to a tween, she'd managed to force a few girl's nights and lunch dates on Erin in order to check up on her while she and Jay were on a….whatever it was. Though Erin had begrudged her over it more than once, she hadn't actually minded. Truthfully, detoxing from Jay had been harder than any drug withdrawal she'd ever experienced. Without Kim there for support, she wasn't sure what dark place she might've turned to in her partner's absence. She made a mental note to thank Kim for that, because people needed to know when they've made a difference like that for you.

She realized she'd trailed off as she'd escaped into the memory and she picked the story back up and even though it was in her nature to look away, she forced herself to hold his gaze in the mirror even as she spoke the next words, which she feared might sting him a little. "When you were gone it was hard for me," Instantly, pain etched into his face at her words, prompting her to turn back around to face him, leaning up to kiss him, reassuringly. "No, it's okay. I just…." She shrugged. "It's just part of the story of…." She waved back towards the note. "When I grieve things I tend to self-destruct, as you know. But, what you may be less familiar with is the Erin who can have somewhat productive grief. I like to take on projects. So we're sharing this bottle of wine and we'd already re-organized the kitchen, I use that term lightly because lets face it, it was a mess before…so it's more appropriate to just say we'd organized it."

Jay couldn't have agreed more, in fact the general disarray of her kitchen, that seemed to have no semblance of reason to where things had been put, had been a source of more than one of their small tiffs when they'd first moved in together. Erin relaxed now, because he'd been easily distracted from the fact that this story was originally rooted in the pain he'd brought her by walking out on her, and he was smiling softly imagining Kim doing most of the work while Erin sat on the counter refilling both of their glasses.

"So we'd already done that and several other things. It's like midnight and I'm trying to convince her that we should paint some of the cabinets with chalkboard paint….." The face Jay made caused her to smirk, "Don't ask. Anyway, she looks at me, grabs me by both shoulders and with a little slur thanks to the bottle of wine we'd already killed and the one we'd been trading back and forth on the couch instead of pouring into glasses, she says those words." She pointed her thumb behind her at the note once more. Now, it was her time to do an impression, though her Kim was _much_ better than his attempt at her own voice earlier. "Erinnnnn," She mocked drunk Kim's exaggerated delivery of her first name, something she'd rarely ever been called the woman. "Stop trying to do all these crazy projects, the BEST project you can focus on is you." She and Jay shared a smile over the apt astuteness of those words and of that memory as a whole.

"Drunk Erin clearly thought that was brilliant and wrote it down on a sticky note and taped it up there. Sober Erin…she liked it. Decided to leave it up." She didn't feel embarrassed about it anymore; it was certainly nothing to stress over considering the other memories she'd recently divulged. Jay liked hearing a nice story for a change and made his own mental note to ask for more like that. And, to share some of his own.

"Well, sober Jay is a fan as well. Leave it up there. It's a…good reminder." He grinned at her and kissed her. "I need to grab a shower before we leave," Then, he wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Care to join me?"

Tempting as his offer was, Erin declined. "Then we will never leave and I am not facing a late walk of shame into the office. Atwater and Ruzek would never shut up." She giggled and lingered there for a moment, kissing him and helping him….get ready for the shower. It was hard to tear herself away from him and she'd contemplated saying fuck it and getting in, but she had to be strong for both of them. She'd reluctantly pulled away from him and then, saying she'd get the coffee going, he'd finally let go of her too.

Erin had toasted bagels for them both and gotten their coffees fixed in thermoses as promised, feeling much more domestic than usual. Jay had showered quickly and soon they were on their way to the district. It was nice driving in together again, it made the traffic less bothersome as they now welcomed the quiet moments together when they weren't technically bogged down working a case or in a place where, inevitably, they'd end up doing less talking and more removing of clothes. They were still experiencing the honeymoon-like state of getting "back" together, if you could call it that.

"Speaking of working on projects…" Jay had said, though a lot of time had passed since they'd actually been talking about it, she didn't give him flack over using that segue into what would come next. "Wednesdays are the days I usually go to group so…" He felt uneasy mentioning it, because despite his new level of comfort with opening up to her, it still didn't feel very natural yet.

"Oh, good. Yes, go to that!" She tried not to sound overly enthusiastic and he smiled gently over at her, appreciating her tender encouragement.

"I'll grab dinner on the way home." He added and then they dropped the conversation and he enjoyed listening to her sing quietly along to the radio. He loved these moments, she didn't even know she did it and he used to tease her about it and she would vehemently deny that she did. Now, instead of bringing it up, he just enjoyed the little mini-concerts.

Work was work and though they'd made a little progress, they were still no where closer to pinning down Helmouth's exact location and where he was keeping Carla. Ruzek and Atwater had drawn the short straws this time and were posted up in a surveillance van outside the convenience story where they were expecting the pair to make their semi-reliable appearance.

That meant Jay and Erin had left at a decent time and he'd dropped her off at their place before heading down to the Veteran's Affair's office for group. For once, he was actually feeling somewhat excited to go. Thanks to an accident on 290, he'd made it with only a few minutes to spare before start time, and slid into a seat next to the familiar face of Ethan Choi. "Thought you'd bailed man," the doctor said and Jay just shook his head and mouthed the word 'traffic.'

There was no time for further explanation as Mark, who lead their group sessions, had begun to speak. Jay admittedly hadn't always paid much attention to the things Mark said to address the group, he was usually more interested in hearing the stories of the other soldiers then Mark's suggestions at how to _fix_ things. But after the success he'd had with the letter, he'd given more credence to Mark's suggestions and decided he should do some more active listening this week.

Mark, a retired Marine himself, could speak on things from experience and it was now that he chose to recount the story of the time he'd written his own letter to his wife when he was struggling with his own PTSD. Jay hung on his every word, feeling a deep sense of connection to the man's story. Unfortunately for Mark, his letter hadn't gone as well as Jay's but it had still brought him and his wife the closure they needed to decide that they weren't good for each other anymore. Mark confessed that though he'd written it to win her back, he'd felt relieved when it seemed to be the catalyst that spurred them both to admit they'd both thrown in the towel long ago and there was no coming back from it, not anymore.

"Now, I know that isn't the ending that many of you were hoping that letter would bring. That's why I didn't tell you about it last week because I figured that it would discourage some of you from trying it. But I am telling you right now, that letter was the best thing that happened to me, to my wife, and to our two kids. It was painful, I can't lie, it wasn't all wonderful at the end, I wouldn't do you the disservice of sugar coating it. It got uglier before it got better. But it was what needed to be said and done and now we are all better for it." Mark had paused and looked around at the nodding heads of the men and women who, sadly, could relate to him on this all to well. "My wife….she couldn't understand the things I had done and seen. It was unfair, but I guess I resented her for having lived a life so devoid of the horrors I had faced when I was overseas. That's what this monster will do to you, folks. That's why it is important to come to meetings like this and talk to each other and know you aren't alone. Because it can be fucking lonely, we all know that. But you've got your brothers and sisters. And we understand you." He made eye contact with each person in the circle and his eyes fell last on Jay and he held his gaze for what seemed like just a little longer than he had with anyone else. "So, anyone want to share what happened with their letters? Good or bad, there is no judgment here."

Although everyone in the room had been engrossed in Mark's story, no one was jumping to be next to share. Jay looked around at the others in the group who shifted uncomfortably in the stiff metal folding chairs they sat in.

Jay had never actually spoken at one of these meetings. He usually just sat and listened, quietly relating to what there other's shared and half-listening to the suggestions Mark offered. But, today, he felt compelled to contribute. "I….uh…." Jay cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter in his seat before he lost his nerve. "I'll go." He volunteered and he could see the tense bodies around him relax a little, knowing that they could put off sharing their own stories, or confessions that they hadn't completed Mark's assignment, at least for now.

It took him a minute to decide where to start but no one pushed him to speak and they all waited patiently, doing there best not to stare as they waited with genuine interest. "Sorry…I just…" Jay sighed, embarrassed.

"Take your time," Mark said gently and everyone around him gave Jay reassuring nods and Choi even slapped him in the back in a way that conveyed his own offer of encouragement.

"My girl…she has been through some shit. She's tough as nails. Maybe that's why….." Jay began. "She took it…really well, actually. I wrote the letter and I brought it to her…she wasn't there at first but then she came home. I didn't have the nerve to hand it to her...I'd…." He sighed, he was having a hard time telling this room of people who, though he'd been seeing them once a week for a month, were still relative strangers. Though united through a common bond, he still had to fight himself to be open. He knew that it was important for everyone to hear a positive side to things, and if he was lucky enough to live in it, he could be strong enough to share it. He slouched over a bit and moved to rest his elbows on his knees as he went on.

"We lived together and I'd been having a hard time with, with the PTSD." It felt like a dirt word as it left his mouth. "….so I decided I couldn't risk spiraling into depression and dragging her down with me, she has enough of her own shit to worry about. So I left and went to stay with my brother. Because, for some selfish reason it made sense to me to leave this fragile broken person alone so I could face my demons alone as well. But, leaving is what motivated me to start coming here I guess, so…." Jay shook his head, he didn't know why he'd backtracked to add that detail. It seemed important though.

Fast-forwarding back to his original story, he spoke again. "When I brought the letter she wasn't home so I'd used my key to go in and I'd intended to leave it but then…she showed up and after writing it I guess… I guess that I… I was just so….raw….I didn't stop to think I broke down in front of her. Cried. Sobbed. She was there for me and I guess I fell asleep on her couch. I've never let anyone see my like that." His eyes stung a little with tears but he swallowed hard rather than let them escape and kept talking; willing his focus on delivering the story to keep his emotions from percolating over.

"She must've read it after I was asleep because the next morning she told me she'd found it. It's probably for the best… if I'd had to hand it to I probably would've found an excuse to back out. Anyway…she read it. She read it and even though I'd confessed some terrible things she….she stayed. She held me some more and we made love like we never have before…." His cheeks tinted red a little, maybe he should've spared that intimate detail. "Anyway…." He cleared his throat. "The best thing about it was she actually took the time to write me back. It….opened a line of communication between us like we've never had before. We both have our demons and baggage and we're…helping each other carry it now, instead of trying to haul it alone. It's….it's refreshing. Scary as fuck though, being honest and open isn't easy for either one of us. It takes a lot of fight and effort to keep myself from recoiling into old bad habits. I have to tell you guys, I've tried a lot of things to numb the pain and forget the things that replay like a movie in my head every time I fell…fall asleep… and this… this letter…this new found sense of security I have with her…it's the only thing that has ever helped." He swallowed hard and it was only then he'd realized that he'd stopped staring down at the carpet and he was looking right at Mark whose eyes were also slightly red with emotion. "So…thank you. Because you, you gave me that. You gave us that man." He ran a hand through his hair, breathing out deeply with emotion, it was all he could do to keep from breaking down again. He stopped talking then and he and Mark exchanged a look that said a lot without saying anything. The room was thick with silent reverence for his story, as though if anyone else had started to talk, it would have some how dampened the hope it had given many of them.

Suddenly, someone was clapping slowly and then, everyone was and Jay found himself laughing slightly, embarrassed and relieved all at once, greeting by whoops and hollers. It seemed only natural to end on that note. Jay was helping Mark fold up the chairs and stack them in the back of the room, others were scavenging around the limited assortment of snacks at a nearby table, when he'd stiffened slightly, alert.

Someone approached him from behind and though they didn't say anything at first, Jay could feel a set of eyes staring at him. He turned around, find a younger man there, his haircut seemed to indicate he was freshly out of the service and he couldn't have been much older than 21, if that. "Hey," Jay said gently, seeing that this kid clearly wanted to talk but he seemed too nervous to speak.

"Hey," Came an answer, and then with a shifting of feet he said next, "I just wanted to say thanks for…for sharing that. You gave a lot of us some much needed hope man. I never did give that letter to my parents and…I think now….I really want to. Good or bad, you uh…your story and Mark's well…I just. Thanks man, really."

Jay extended his hand to the younger man. "That's cool man, thanks. I'm Halstead, by the way…Well, Jay. See you were a devil dog," He said, acknowledging the eagle, globe, and anchor tattoo that indicated he was speaking to a Marine.

"Yes, sir." He said, taking Jay's hand. "Birdman, Austin. Did two tours in Kabul with the 2nd infantry…medically discharged when I stepped on a landmine and lost my leg…" He noted, looking away from Jay for a moment.

"Army Ranger with the 75th, did most of my time over there in Afghanistan, mostly in the Korangal Valley."

"You're a detective now, right?" Austin asked, "Always thought I'd either be police or a Marine and now I'm…well…once a Marine, always a Marine, right?" He shook his head. "Now I'm just a bum living in his parent's basement while all his friends are off at college…"

His story tugged at Jay's heart strings. He wanted to help this kid, somehow. "Hey, the academy is always looking for strong qualified candidates, with your infantry background…." Jay trailed of and reached for his wallet, moving to grab and produce his business card, detailing his CPD and contact information. "You should give me a call if you decide to explore that ever."

"Yeah, I'm sure they are looking for lots of great candidates with one leg," the younger man self-deprecated in response.

Jay didn't bat an eye. "No, not lots of one legged candidates. They only need one to meet the quota." He bantered back, then more seriously he added, "I've seen tons of guys on street beats with two legs that I guarantee you could destroy in a PT test. Just…think about it man. And if you ever want to talk about it….or anything," he gave an easy shrug, "Just give me a call."


	6. Chapter 6

**First of all, I truly appreciate your reviews they bring me so much joy! Please keep letting me know how you feel after each chapter. Admitedly, crime writing isn't necessarily my strong suit, but I felt really strongly about creating this part of the story. So please, bare with me if there is anything that seems too unrealistic as far as the case. Either way, I hope you enjoy chapter 6! Peace and love to you all!**

Atwater and Ruzek had been lucky on their stakeout, and they'd picked the pair up just after one in the morning. By the next day, Helmouth had been picked up by the FBI for his suspected involvement in two similar cases of missing girls from the same town in Georgia where he'd taken Carla. She'd been reunited with her family, but only after Erin had sat her down for a serious talk about drug abuse and the things that had happened between her and Helmouth. She'd recommended a treatment facility in Maine that she thought could help Carla work through all of it. Then; she'd done her best to leave her memories of the case, and of the girl who'd reminded her all too much of herself, behind

Things at work slowed for a few days after that and it was a week before they got another big case that had required a full court press from the whole team. They'd all been working overtime lately and they were _this_ close to bringing down a ring of carjackers who had been targeting the clientele of some rather sleazy motels in the Southside that had been known to rent by the hour and provided a vast array of party favors from dealers who hung around the motel bar. While none of the team really minded that these johns, most of who were married, were getting screwed over, things had taken a violent turn. One of the stolen cars had turned up, and inside of the trunk, so had two bodies.

Al and Atwater had nabbed one of the crew, Billie Carlisle, in a sting they'd step up at a bar near Navy Pier. Carlisle was the self-proclaimed party planner of the group, she set up the johns with the girls and they keys to the crew. Since they couldn't prove she was actually involved in the trafficking of the women or the stolen cars, she'd agreed to come in for a chat. Even though they couldn't exactly tie her to the crimes, they'd put pressure on her by reminding her that her little brother had been popped earlier that month for aggravated assault and that maybe they could get the DA to reduce the charge if she'd been willing to cooperate and give them some info on the real head of the operation, James Allen; or as he was usually referred to, Rooster.

Atwater addressed the group as he and Al walked up the stairs, "Ms. Carlisle said that she'd only talk to the _hot_ detective." He put his hands up in mock disbelief. "I know, I'm as surprised as you that she wasn't talking about me." This elicited a laugh from most of the team.

Both Halstead and Ruzek moved from their positions, Jay rising from his desk chair and Ruzek rising from the corner of Lindsay's desk where he'd been perched previously as they'd been running the plate of the car most recently been reported stolen from the motel. This caused Erin to roll her eyes at both of them just as Al spoke up, a laugh coming from his gruff mouth, as he and Atwater exchanged a knowing look; "She was talking about Lindsay." He smirked, rolling the toothpick he'd just been gnawing on between his fingers.

"Hah!" She laughed at the two men who, rather full of themselves, had just been shot down. Rising from her own desk, she gave them each pointed looks. "Was there any doubt she was talking about me?" She smirked at her love and then at Ruzek.

"Can't argue with that." Halstead supplied simply. Hank indicated for him to accompany Lindsay and as they walked down to the interrogation room where Carlisle was waiting, Lindsay undid the top two buttons of her blue flannel shirt, pulling down the tank top she wore underneath ever so slightly. Jay raised his eyebrows. "Now this is an interrogation tactic I can get behind." Her only response was to hit him playfully across the chest before they descended into the room.

Lindsay used her dimpled charm to press Carlisle for info and her innocent flirting had yielded them the name and apartment location of an old buddy of Rooster's who _had_ been letting him crash on his couch since he'd heard that PD had been on to them. She couldn't promise he was still there but, in the event that he wasn't, she'd offered another idea. "You know…" She smiled over at Lindsay, "…we rough your appearance up a little, maybe get you a nice tight dress….you could pass for one of the girls that Rooster likes to take home from the motel for himself…just a suggestion."

"While I am totally flattered that you think I could pass for a prostitute, you're not really giving me a lot to work with here." Erin replied, annoyed. "Thanks for the info, now if that's all you have for us then…" Erin moved to stand up form her chair, figuring that would make Carlisle take her bait. Jay just watched her go, trying to keep the smirk and look of awe off of his face.

"Wait!" The woman seemed desperate to keep here there talking and Lindsay decided to play along. Folding her arms across her chest she gave Carlisle a bored look before sitting back down.

"What is it Billie? You've pretty much wasted my time today. When you weren't undressing me with your eyes, you were giving me info I could've found out by pinging one of your crew's phones. So unless what you have to say next is going to give me an actual break in my case….then we're done here. And your brother is…well, let's just say there seems to be nothing we can do here." She said flatly.

"Getting sassy just makes you hotter." Carlisle said, biting her lip as she smirked at Lindsay, who had no time for her shit, and raised her eyebrow letting her know she'd exhausted her last chance. "Okay, okay. Listen…the girls you found in the trunk…listen they weren't set up with any of the johns. Those were girls I got for Rooster. Anytime I get new girls who are….wanting to party. Rooster likes to…..he likes to show them around himself." She said pointedly. "Show them how things work. He does it all the time, I didn't think anything of it. But he knows I have a curfew for my girls, because I care about them….they have to check in by 3 AM unless someone has decided to….take care of them for the whole night. I didn't hear from the girls or Rooster for two days…next thing I know, the girls body's are in the trunk."

"And you didn't think that was something you should've shared with us before?" Erin asked, glaring at her, disgusted. "Did you confront him about it? About how he'd been the last person you'd seen them with? I mean you claim to care about these girls, but we found their bodies covered with bruises, gun shot wounds to their heads, and they were defiled postmortem so….it doesn't seem like you were taking very good care of things around there Billie."

"Listen, babe," She took a long look at Erin. "I don't know if you know how this works but, I confront Rooster, I probably wind off no better off then them…Can you blame me for looking out for myself here?"

"Yes, yes, I really can. Two girls are dead Billie. And now you're telling me that you knew Rooster was the last one to see them and you're telling me this an hour into our conversation and 5 days after they'd been found?" Erin glared. "I'm done here."

"Don't you want to give me your card, you know, in case I hear anything else?" The short haired blonde woman asked, looking up at Lindsay who'd just risen from the chair in obvious annoyance. She was about to respond with a dismissive retort but Jay beat her to it.

Jay cleared his throat, "That is a great idea ma'am! Here's mine…" He produced his own and slid it across the table with a shit-eating, territorial grin. The action made Lindsay laugh as she exited the room with her partner close behind. "Someone will be by to finish up with you in a moment."

"Aw, was somebody getting a little jealous?" She asked, raising an eyebrow at him and shoving him playfully with her shoulder once they were safely in the hall.

He moved so his head was next to her ear and he dropped his voice to a low whisper as they headed back up to intelligence. "Jealous….turned on…it was a complex series of emotions I was feeling back there." He chuckled and kissed her cheek before moving to walk ahead of her, resigning himself to stay professional here…but to reserve the unclean thoughts he'd just been having for later.

"We've got a new problem…" Hank's gravely voice boomed from the bullpen, causing Erin and Jay to quicken their pace up the stairs. "The address Erin got from Carlisle, I sent patrol to check it out, they found the body of the guy who owns the place, and another girl same condition we found the two in the trunk….but no Rooster. Car was gone from the driveway, we got an APB out on it already but…" He shook his head. "I've got a bad feeling about this one."

Though the woman had pissed her off, she was starting to think perhaps Carlisle's suggestion of Erin going in wasn't the worst option. She couldn't believe what she was about to suggest but, she did it anyway. "Sarge…what if we get at this thing from the inside. Billie mentioned that Rooster's type is brunette…obviously they're three girl's down now at the motel…we send one of the guys in with me, say he's my pimp, see if we can get Rooster to take the bait. Seems like our best bet is to catch this guy in the act or we're going to have to keep working to prove this ties back to him while he's out there doing this to more women."

Hank stared at her in quiet contemplation and at the pictures of the two dead girls and then, he leered back at Lindsay. Though this wasn't his first choice, she was right they needed to take action now. "You and….Adam."

Jay scoffed, "Sir, with all do respect. Don't you think I should be the one to go with Erin?"

Al looked him in the eyes. "Jay, I mean this nicely, you're far too pretty for this." He smirked and Erin made a face that showed her agreement.

"Adam is way more convincing as a dirtbag, I have to agree." She'd added, for affect.

"Listen prostitute, I have no problem putting you in your place to get into character," Adam smirked, pantomiming as though he would back-hand her.

"Stop fucking around Ruzek." Hank spat at him and, with a look of fear, Adam had sat back down. Lindsay and Jay shared a smirk and then, the team had set things into motion. Atwater went back down to talk to Carlisle about getting the ball rolling. Deciding that no more time could be wasted, they decided they'd roll out that night.

Eight hours later, the team was gearing up and waiting on Lindsay who had disappeared into the locker room with strict instructions that no one should come in to get her. She emerged finally, clad in a black crop-top, fishnets, and a neon yellow miniskirt that left little to the imagination. "Just something you had lying around, Linds?" Adam asked, busting her balls.

"Nah, I borrowed it from Kim, she said that her blind date last night really liked it!" She bit back, smiling. Her retort had elicited a hearty laugh from everyone but Ruzek, as intended. Though he did give her a smirk, letting her know she'd definitely won this battle of wits. She placed the lipstick knife that Platt had given her into her pin-camera handbag. "You ready?" She asked Adam and after he'd nodded, they strode over to the car they'd taken from impound to use as their cover vehicle for the night.

"Hey, wait.." Jay called out after her as he finished adjusting his vest. His words prompted Erin to turn around.

"Hey yourself. I wasn't going to leave without saying anything, don't worry." She closed the space between them and hugged him gently. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

"I just wish it was me out there with you, I'd feel better about it." He replied thoughtfully. It wasn't that he didn't trust Adam but, he just trusted himself more when it came to keeping Erin safe. He didn't like leaving that task up to anyone else.

"We got this. And you'll be right outside. Easy day." She smiled softly, masking her own worry and then, even though she was sure she'd get shit from Hank for it later, she kissed him. "Love you." She whispered, before moving to get in the car.

"Love you…" He called after her and then, he'd moved towards their Sierra, where Atwater was already sitting shotgun waiting for him.

The team rolled out and had positioned themselves around different parts of the motel. Ruzek and Lindsay had taken a different route completely and had arrived well after the team had gotten into place. Billie met them in the spot they'd designated, and the plan had been set into motion. Rooster hadn't arrived yet so they stood around shooting the shit for a while before he'd finally showed up. That meant Lindsay had spent way too much time having to humor Billie's flirtatious advances and Adam had told way too many lame jokes to the girls still waiting around for johns, occasionally asking them non-suspicious questions, feeling them out to see if they had anything useful to provide.

Thirty minutes after the team had set up, Rooster had finally showed up. As they'd expected, he was in the car of his newly deceased friend. They could've brought him in on that alone, but, they needed something to tie him to the murders of the other two girls as well. It took no time for him to become interested in Lindsay and within fifteen minutes of his arrival at the complex, he was already making his move.

"Sorry man, I don't like to share this one." Adam said, placing an arm around Lindsay's waist before pulling her to his side. "Not unless you're into me watching…" He'd added and Lindsay had offered a playful and flirtatious giggle to go along with his ploy.

Rooster glared, but seemed interested enough in Erin to at least entertain Adam for now. "If it gets me a turn with her…" He gave her a lingering once over, complete with disgusting smirk, she had to keep herself from gagging as the corner's of his lips tugged back to reveal yellowed teeth.

"Right on." Adam had answered and soon he and Lindsay were following Rooster towards the very back of the motel. He'd led them up a flight of stairs and it was there that Adam made a mistake that Jay knew he never would have. Rather than moving in front of Lindsay as they went up the stairs, he'd gone behind and that was the only motivation Rooster needed to get them apart. In a sudden and swift movement he'd stopped and shoved him hard in the chest, sending Adam toppling backwards down the flight of stairs they'd just climbed. Lindsay, clad in a pair of heels that could've been classified as stilts, barely had time to react. Rooster had already picked her up over her shoulder and taking the stairs two at a time, they'd reached the top floor before Adam had been able to collect himself and get up.

Rooster had torn down the second floor breeze way and then, flung open the door of the last room slamming her down onto the bed and locking and bolting the door behind them, just as Ruzek's hand had reached for the door. Cursing himself for just missing his only window to get in there with her, Adam slammed his fist against the metal door, banging hard, "Come on man, let me in. I swear she likes it better that way…"

But Rooster was having none of it, "SHUT UP!" He yelled and to emphasize his point he'd drawn his arm back and slapped Erin hard enough across the face that Adam could clearly hear the sound of it even outside. The rest of the team had seen the whole thing through the camera in Erin's purse, though the angle was a bet skewed from her scuffle. "You want me to fuck up her face? I said shut the fuck up man." He roared. "I will beat the shit out of her."

"Stand down, Ruzek." Were the words that he heard whispered into his earpiece, his orders given by Hank. "Lindsay's got this."

"Voight…" Jay's uneasy voice came next. "I don't think – "

"No one asked what you think Halstead, I said stand down. No one moves until I say. Now get into position incase we need to breach this room. Anyone of you does anything without my say so, it's your badge." He warned.

Jay was burning hot, he'd heard the slap and it took everything inside of him not to break ranks and go in after her. But, she could handle herself, he knew that, the idea of her alone with this creep had made his blood boil. Ruzek drew his covert piece from inside his leg and waited outside the door for Hank's next command.

"Alright man…just take it easy. She makes me a lot of money…" Adam responded to Rooster, trying to keep the situation from getting out of hand.

Lindsay reeled from the slap, drawing her hand up to the stinging right side of her face. She hated this bastard. He looked and smelled like a lot of them men she'd encountered in her youth. The smell of cigarettes seemed permanent on him, even on his skin. It made her sick. She needed to get out of here, fast. But, she had a job to do and damn if she wasn't the best at it. "Lucky for you, I like it rough." She'd dared, figuring that comment would spur him to action.

When he'd tossed her onto the bed, her purse had rolled onto the floor and given that it contained her only weapon, she knew she needed to get her hands on it. Rooster's hands were already pawing at her, grabbing her hips and drawing her against him. She tried not to wince from the stench of his breath. "You are a pretty one aren't you." He'd smirked and before she could stop it, she felt him press a stiff kiss to her lips before he had moved to sniff her hair. "It's too bad what I'm going to do to you, sweetheart." He gave her an evil grin that, when she'd drawn her eyes to meet his, had told her he was definitely guilty.

"Well if you let me get a condom from my purse…then we can get right to what you want to do to me…." She said, her tone husky, trying to play the part. She moved to reach past him to grab her purse but instead, he'd slammed her back down onto the mattress. It fell just out of her reach again, and with it, so had her hopes of grabbing that lipstick knife. She tried to quell her rising panic at being relatively defenseless, trapped beneath the weight of the larger man.

"No – no condoms. That isn't how Rooster does things, sweetheart." Another creepy grin looked down at her and his hand was moving up towards her shirt. "I am gonna kill you before we fuck…just like Roxy…" He placed a sloppy kiss to the skin on her stomach, "And Candace…" He leered down at her, his tongue dragging across her skin. She felt sick. "Your man out there, he's gonna listen to you die." He menaced with a maniacal laugh and suddenly he was drawing a gun from his belt. He'd moved too fast for Lindsay to fully process, she didn't have time to grab anything to use as a weapon against him in her immediate vicinity and she had no way to shield herself if he managed to get a shot off. She moved ferociously against the bed to make it harder for him but there was a loud pop and a crushing pain in her bicep. The grey-white sheets below her turned crimson instantly, shock was the only thing that kept her from realizing it was in fact her own blood that was pooling there.

"MOVE!" Hank's voice boomed into every ear piece and immediately, the team was descending upon the room. Ruzek was already working to kick in or shoulder the door, anything to get to Erin, but the dead bolt was holding strong.

Rooster may have been aiming for her head but thanks to the wild writhing she'd done; he'd only managed to hit her upper arm. The initial shock of being shot had kept her from reacting with her usual instincts. All at once, she seemed to snap out of it and her reflexes kicked in. Suddenly, she was pulling off her high heel and in one swift motion she'd turned it around, drawn it back, and slammed it into his left eye. A grotesque pop and splatter of blood meant she'd hit her mark and Rooster screamed out in horror, moving off of her as he reached up to clutch his face. Though, with her black heel still protruded from the socket of his eye, he'd stumbled back slightly, taken off guard by her action.

"YOU FUCKING BITCH." He'd screamed, but in their scuffle he'd managed to drop his gun and even though she'd just been shot in the arm, Lindsay's adrenaline had allowed her to get the upper hand. She'd jumped up, grabbed his discarded weapon and turned it on him, just as Ruzek had finally broken through the door, the rest of the team fast on his heels. "Chicago PD don't move motherfucker." She yelled, her gun still trained on him. But then, Adam was crashing in through the window, having finally abandoned the door, and he was shouting at her that he had her and was she good, she couldn't respond, but she staggered back slightly as she watched Adam tackle Rooster down to the ground.

Vaguely, she saw Atwater come tumbling in though the door that, after slamming himself into only once, had immediately caved into the room. The rest of the team had poured in behind him, guns trained on Rooster.

All of them, except one. It was only when _his_ blue eyes, full of fear and panic, had fallen on hers that Erin truly realized what had just happened. She screamed out in anguish, dropping the gun she now held and then collapsing to the floor, grabbing at her upper arm.

Jay was at her side instantly, pulling her into his lap and putting pressure on her arm. Atwater joined him and soon he'd ripped a sheet to use as a tourniquet and secured it around her arm. Rather than waiting for the EMTs to come up to them, Jay had already picked Erin up in a fireman's carry and as she lost consciousness against his chest, he'd brought her down to the ambulance.


	7. Chapter 7

Erin had faded in and out in the ambulance ride over to Med. Every time she'd opened her eyes though, she'd seen Jay watching over her. She knew there were other people in there with them, she'd felt them tugging at and prodding her, but it was only him she'd had time to notice. He was sat above her, his hands on either side of her head, fingers stroking her hair, trying to provide comfort. She knew he was saying something, she imagined it was soothing and nurturing, but she couldn't hear anything except the booming of her heart; which seemed to be echoing all over her body. She wished she could say or do something to ease the look of absolute anguish that he wore on his face.

She had been lucky; the bullet had gone through and through. Amazingly, it had managed to avoid hitting both her brachial artery, which would've probably had her bleeding out in minutes, and her humerus, which would definitely have broken upon the bullet's impact. She was burned pretty badly from the stippling splayed outside of her wound, a byproduct of the gunpowder's heat against her skin. She'd managed the get her arms over her face to feebly shield his access to her head. In her adrenaline-induced reaction, she'd managed to move and buck her body around wildly enough that the two gunshots he'd managed to get off had been weak attempts. Clearly not a trained to wield that pistol, Rooster had sent the first shot into the headboard. The other, the one that had somehow managed to make contact with the underside of her forearm, had only _just_ done so. The pooling of blood was almost instant but thanks to shock, the pain was not.

Rooster's hands had made matters worse and his thumb had penetrated into the small wound left by the graze of the bullet, ripping at the already fragile and gaping skin. The screams Erin had let out at that action had echoed in Jay's ears the entire ambulance ride over, playing like a broken record in his mind.

Due to the overall uncleanliness of her attacker as well as bed and room she'd been in, Dr. Choi had been most worried about the possibility of infection. Though the pain of recovery would be a bitch, she was going to be fine. It would take some time, but they'd told her she would make a full recovery. Of course, her first question had been when she could get back out in the field. He was relieved when he managed to avoid answering that question as she'd slipped back into the drowsy state that accompanied by the wearing off of anesthesia.

In addition to being shot, she'd suffered several other injuries. Fingerprint bruises were already forming on the sides of her neck. In their skirmish; Rooster had landed a few good punches on her face and abdomen. They'd checked for signs of internal bleeding, head trauma – the full work up and everything checked out positive.

After cleaning her wound and stitching her back up, she'd been moved from the ICU to a post-op recovery room. Being that she was PD, and _basically_ the family of Dr. Will Halstead, she'd been given a nice private room at the end of the hall. Maggie had insisted that it had one of the best views in all of Chicago, Erin had decided to take her word on it for now.

Jay's time in the waiting room had been excruciating. He'd struggled to keep his emotions at bay and not confront Hank. He should've been out there with her _. He's out there, this NEVER happens._ No one could've convinced him otherwise. His emotions must've been drawn all over his face because, after awhile of tense silence, Voight - against his better judgment (And Al's advisement), had addressed him. "You got something to say, Halstead?"

"Not a thing, sir." He'd kept his response brief and without emotion, if only because he knew that the last thing Erin would want was the two of them arguing at a time like this.

Ever the hot head, Hank had persisted. "Let's hear it. You got doubts about your team's ability to do their job, I think they deserve to know."

If looks could kill, Hank Voight would've instantly dropped dead given the enraged one that had shot at him from Jay's eyes. "So, we're going to do this right now, really? This is important to you while she's up there…alone, battered…bruised…bleeding?" Hank's silence seemed to indicate that he did in fact want to go there. It was probably only his own worry over Erin that was prompting his rash behavior, but Jay didn't have the time or energy to consider Hank's feelings. Not right now at least. "You want to hear me say I told you so? Fine, I DID." Jay raised his voice to emphasize that last word, he knew he should stop there, but he was angry and blinded by it. "Ruzek is fine police, he can cover me any day on any job, I trust him with my life. I know he had Lindsay's back, don't fucking twist it. But we both know it should've been me out there with her. I know her better than anyone, better than _you_." He dared, his eyes alit with passion; both from his anger at Voight and his fears over the uncertainties with Erin's condition. What would he do if he lost her? He couldn't even allow his mind to entertain that thought, it would've sent him over the edge.

His knuckles were white from where they gripped the arms of the feeble chair where he sat, his clutch all that kept him from standing up and doing something he knew he'd later regret. "Ruzek had her back just like he would me, or Atwater, or you. _That's_ why it should've been me. She is my _world_ , Hank. And you can protect and cover your partner. You can be incredible at it. But you can't tell me that you don't protect your world just a little bit more than anyone else can." And with that, he'd stood up, slamming the chair back behind him as he rose; storming off. He was going to find Will, or April, or Maggie… _anyone_ who could give him an update on his girl and get him the fuck away from Hank.

It was like Will had read his mind because just as he'd rounded the corner towards the nurse's station, he had basically run into his older brother. Instantly recognizing how heated he was, Will reached out to steady him with his shoulders. "Whoa, whoa, you good bro?" He'd asked Jay, who could only look at him with livid eyes. This prompted Will to offer him reassurance; "Listen, she's okay. Choi checked everything, got her cleaned up real good and he managed to close the wound in a way that will leave her with barely a scar, okay? She'll be milking this for weeks to get you to spoil her," He attempted to lighten the mood but Jay's face, despite showing _some_ relief, was still twisted in a scowl. Sensing that it was not yet the time for humor, Will added more seriously; "..she's in recovery now, let's go tell the rest of your guys what's up and we can head up there. She really needs to rest so she won't be up for many visitor's but, April said she hasn't stopped asking about you since she woke up."

That though made him weak. Erin Linsday, whether she wanted to or not, truly needed him. He refused to deny her, and subsequently himself, that need any longer. "No. Take me to her now, I _have_ to see her." Jay's tone was one of tormented despair and one look at his red eyes, his brother just couldn't justify putting up a fight. He'd take Jay up to Erin and page Choi to go address the rest of the team. This was a side of his little brother he had never seen. Sure, he knew that things with him and Erin were serious when they'd moved in together. Jay wasn't like him; he didn't rush into things that serious without being _sure._ He knew things were even more serious when he'd learned that Jay had started to go that veteran's support group, something he himself had suggested to him for _years,_ starting after he'd first gotten home.

It took something real and special to want to "fix" yourself to be better for or worthy of someone; so you could be your **best** for them. Of course, Will had understood all of that, but only on a very surface level. The concern he had for Erin now, the love that was completely obvious on his face… It made Will realize that he didn't even have a fraction of that for Nina. He let the thought sink in before he turned his full attention back to his brother as they reached the elevator. Will had to keep from laughing as he watched Jay slam the up arrow button almost a dozen times, even though he knew it wouldn't make it arrive any faster. Suddenly, the redhead understood his own longing to be that… _desperate_ for someone.

Despite his brother's news that Erin was going to be fine, Jay's entire body still stood stiff with tension the entire elevator ride to the eighth floor. Will had tried to help him relax, offering other bits of encouraging information about Erin's prognosis, but honestly; Jay had tuned him out.

All he wanted – no _needed -_ was to see her, kiss her, tell her he was sorry he hadn't fought harder to be the one out there with her - her eyes and ears. Once the doors had finally pinged open, it seemed to take an eternity to get down that endless hallway and to her room. Will had opened the door for him, but out of respect, had moved to let Jay pass by him to go in alone. "You can have a _few_ minutes with her, but the nurses will be in to check on her soon and, if they kick you out you better listen." He'd warned. Jay cast him a look of appreciation before slipping into the room and closing the door gently behind him.

The dim lighting of the room cast contrasting shadows off the curtained windows and various adornments. But, his attention was immediately drawn to her form; which seemed so small now as she lay there in the hospital bed, hooked up to several different monitors and an IV. Her eyes had been closed but as he'd moved into the room, the sound had caused them to flutter open. A smile instantly grew on her lips as she felt his presence even before her eyes had focused enough to confirm it was _him_.

He was at her side instantly; no time to be ashamed at the fresh tears that sprung from his eyes as he'd moved to be next to her. His hand moved instinctively to take hers, barely able to stand seeing her in such a fragile state.

With a rasp much more pronounced then usual, she managed a small greeting, "Babe…" She beckoned him even closer to her, wanting to ease the pain and worry that she felt all around him, and saw so clearly in his sad eyes. She knew that, though she was technically the one who'd been injured, he'd just spent the last however long it had been in a state of anxiety that had probably tortured him just as much, if not more. "I'm okay," was her whispered promise.

"Shhh," He'd responded, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "It's okay just rest, I just needed to see you. See for myself that you're…." He couldn't manage the last word or he would've dissolved into sobs and he couldn't do that here. He needed to be strong now, for both of them. Taking a moment to collect himself, he forced out a more relaxed and meaningful smile. "I was just so worried about you, baby." He whispered, sitting down carefully on her right side, next to her legs.

Because of her struggles with drug abuse, specifically of the prescription variety, she'd long ago added a waiver to her medical file advising that under no circumstance, should she be given pain medicine of any strength not approved by the FDA for over the counter distribution. That meant, after the anesthesia wore off, she was in for a real treat. They'd already started her on around the clock regiment of ibuprofen to try and stay ahead of the pain, but Maggie had warned her that it was going to be brutal. For that reason, they were going to keep her there for the next few days to help her with pain management and to keep an eye on the wound for any sign of sepsis or infection.

Jay's eyes had begun to study every visible inch of her and the more he saw, the angrier he grew, he couldn't wait to have a crack at the son of the bitch who had left marks and scars on his beautiful girl's perfect body. Though, to Erin's credit, she had left him with some very permanent damage as well. "I'm so sorry this happened babe…I tried to…" He knew better than to place blame. When it really came down to it - this was no one's fault but Rooster's. Deep down, he knew that, even if he still felt a lot of rage and animosity towards Voight; especially for the way he'd gone after him just moments before he'd headed up here with Will. He forced those thoughts out of his head, he could be angry later; right now he was going to be grateful.

Erin's eyes drifted up to meet his, casting him a comforting look accompanied by a reassuring squeeze of his hand. "I know- you don't have to say it. I know." She brought his hand up to her lips and placed the softest kiss to the soft skin of his palm before changing the subject slightly, instantly consumed by her own worry. She hadn't been the only one out there who'd been hurt! "How's Adam, is he okay? I'm sure he feels like shit…and he flew pretty hard down those stairs, did Will or somebody check him out or was everybody in such a fuss over me that they forgot to give a shit about him?" Maybe it was leftover loopiness from the anesthesia, or perhaps even the come down from her adrenaline high, it could even be what some people might call the silver-lining effect; a new found sense of appreciation for life, living, and laughing about it after you experience a tragic event. Whatever it was that had motivated it, she'd figured that even though Jay probably wouldn't yet be in the mood for humor, she was concerned about Ruzek and she had to do something to relieve the tension that had clearly knotted into her boyfriend's entire being. The whole ordeal could end up just as much of a trigger for him and she would be damned if Rooster or this injury did anything to hurt her or Jay any more than it already had.

This was exactly why this woman constantly amazed him. Here she was, laid up with a GSW and countless bruises and in the first ten minutes of being awake enough to talk to someone who wasn't hospital staff, she was asking about her partner. She was a far better man than he, he mused.

Her tactic had worked, but not how she'd intended. Rather than the humor relaxing him, it was her genuine tenderness and concern for Ruzek that reminded him he needed to let go of being so angry and instead focus on that fact that she was here, she was okay, and that tonight could have gone a lot worse than it had. Only Erin Lindsay could have ever had such a pacifying effect on him. He gave in to her playfulness, if that's what she needed right now, he wouldn't disappoint. "Ruzek is fine, a little banged up, but more worried about the ass beating you're going to give him when you're better."

Erin laughed, happy to see him in good enough spirits to banter along with her. "Don't give him too much shit okay, it was a rookie mistake him going behind me on those stairs, I'll give you that, but it's just because he knows I'm such a bad ass, if I hadn't lost access to my knife, it would've ben a different story." With that last part, she seemed to lose all the progress she'd made getting him to relax and she watched him promptly stiffen at her mention of how she'd been so defenseless mere hours ago.

Deciding to try something else, she tugged on Jay's arm, beckoning him closer. "He shot me in the arm, nothing wrong with my lips. Besides that human ashtray is the last thing I kissed or touched and I am going to need those memories to be immediately replaced by ones of you." Erin didn't mean to make light of the seriousness of the situation she'd just gone through. Rooster had almost successfully assaulted her and he could've potentially ended her life. She wasn't ready to process or deal with any of that right now though, so she resigned to her old habits and shoved all of that deep down inside of her, using misplaced humor in its place to avoid addressing the new darkness looming just under the surface that threatened to consume both of them.

He had to brace himself as not to react physically to her words, he knew that this was how she needed to deal with it now, so he'd let her, but it was hard to hear her say those things so casually. It was harder yet that he'd bared witness to the entire thing from the confines of his car, splayed across the screen of his phone. He knew though, that he needed to just play along, for her sake. "You are a bad ass." Jay managed finally and to avoid saying anything else, he kissed her lovingly on the lips, careful not to overdo it, afraid he might hurt her.

He could only silence himself for so long, however, before he'd been compelled to add; "And I promise I will kiss every single spot where that bastard touched you until the only thing you can remember being there is my lips." He moved his strong hand to cup her face and he studied her for a long time. For a long time, neither of them broke the intense eye contact and connection as they _really_ looked in to one another again, just like they had after they'd exchanged those letters.

Suddenly, he was speaking again those his eyes never left hers; "I'd ask you to marry me right now but you deserve much more than a panicked hospital proposal after you've just been through hell. Because all this, it isn't even why I'd ask…" Jay hadn't expected it to come out quite like this but, his confession was honest and real. "Just know that...I want you forever. And there is nothing I want more than for you to be my wife. So it's not time yet and I'm not asking, not like this. But I just…I needed you to know that…. that's where my head is at. That's where my head has been since we moved in together. Hell, since way before that. And tonight when…when I wasn't sure if I had lost you…I realized you didn't know that. And I couldn't exist anymore without making sure you did." He said softly.

Erin's eyes fogged with tears now, as she watched him deliver the most absolutely perfect and romantic sentiment she'd ever heard. Her heart swelled with love and gratitude, taking a moment to appreciate how lucky she had been to find and fall in love with such a loving, strong man. And more importantly, how lucky she'd been that - even though he was just as jagged around the edges as her- that tender, incredible person had loved her back. "Oh Jay," She'd whispered through the tears. "I love you so much," She kissed him deeply; fuck the pain in her arm and…well the pain everywhere, it was worth it for that kiss.

His lips perfect lips were a better relief than any of the drugs they could've pumped her with to take away the pain. "That's what I want, more than anything." She confessed, finally breaking the kiss as the pain and the act of holding herself up like that had become too much to handle. Erin had never figured she'd want a husband – mostly because, thanks to Bunny's example, she had never believed that a healthy, functioning marriage was even possible. But loving, and especially living with Jay, had shown her that she was in fact the marrying type. And… maybe even one day…the mothering type as well. Only Jay Halstead, her soul mate, could have ever made her consider herself to be _either_ of those things.


	8. Chapter 8

It had been six days since the incident. After staying at Med for three nights, Erin had been more than happy to go home to their place, where Jay had barely allowed her to so much as lift a finger since arriving home. She couldn't pretend it wasn't nice, to be taken care of and fussed over, at least at first. He had started to teeter the line of smothering her by day three though, and sweet as it was, she was pretty excited that he would be returning to work the next day and giving her at least some reprieve from his constant worrying over her. She hadn't considered exactly what might transpire when she was finally left alone, with nothing but her thoughts.

He'd dragged his feet getting ready that morning. He was still unsure about leaving her alone. Despite saying that she was doing _fine_ , he knew that it was only the façade she was allowing herself to live in, refusing to deal with the reality that was the attack she'd endured. He couldn't blame her and truthfully, he planned to let her live in that bubble at least for a little while longer, and he'd have let her stay there forever if he could.

He knew she didn't sleep much, because when he'd managed to actually fall asleep himself; he'd been woken up more than once by the sound of her crying. Though she'd insist it was just because her arm hurt or something ached and the Advil just wasn't helping, he knew that wasn't what really brought her tears. The emotions etched on her face weren't ones of physical pain, but of mental anguish. He'd let her lie though; who was he to force her to confront this after he'd spent so long being such a coward himself. So, even though he was fraught with worry all morning, as he'd gotten ready, he'd finally resigned himself to the fact he'd have to leave her here sometime, and he'd headed to the district, albeit with great reluctance.

It was only ten minutes later when she'd heard his keys in the door again and she couldn't help but smirk to herself as she heard him come back in, mumbling some lame excuse about itchy socks. He'd disappeared into their room and then, he'd come out to the couch where he'd left her just moments before, propped up with _her_ favorite pillows and anything she might need in immediate reach. He looked at her, sheepishly, "Erin…"

"Jay, I'm really going to be okay. I'm going to be here, on the couch, binge watching Game of Thrones, because Will told me at the hospital that you two watched the last season when you were staying with him and…to be frank I'm still not sure I can forgive you for it, so can you please just leave and let me get my Khaleesi on?" She'd figured his worry was what had brought him back and the more she was in good spirits, the better he would feel about leaving her and getting back to normalcy at least a little bit, something she knew would be good for him.

He laughed, though it wasn't genuine and more just to humor her. "I know you're okay." He started, "And you're right, Will _may_ have had all of the episodes saved on the DVR and….well," He looked down in shame. "I'm an ass." They smiled easily at one another and silence came and he could tell she was confused by why he still hadn't left. But then, the lines from her letter, the ones that had brought him back up here before he'd even gotten in the car, echoed in his mind. He'd stood outside of the door mulling them over before he'd even reentered the apartment. ... _even if I try to push you away. Refuse. Stand up to me. Force me to deal with the hard stuff because finally I have a reason to._ He stewed over those words a little longer before moving to sit down on the coffee table in front of their couch, looking across at her.

"Jay?" She asked gently, studying him carefully. Perplexed.

"You told me…" He sighed, nervous. "You told me I couldn't let you push me away. You said I had to…stand up to you and _make_ you deal with the shit you didn't want to deal with. And I guess…I guess I'm just worried leaving you alone because you haven't dealt with any of it yet…and what if when I leave you have to and then I'm not here. And you start to feel scared and alone…and you're upset and you're crying…. and I'm not _here_ like I promised I would be…" He couldn't let his sad eyes meet hers, for fear of what affect they might have on both of them.

"Jay," She intonated his name for the third time since he'd come back in, each time her inflection had been different. This time, it was soft and sad, but also grateful. He was right, that was what she had written and even as it was being somewhat thrown in her face now with the best and most pure intentions, she knew she'd written it for a reason. He was right. _She_ had been right when she'd put those lines in the letter and she'd known there would come a time when she would need him to remind her of them - for _both_ of their sakes. "If I need you, I will text or call." She said softly. "I promise." They'd shared a tender kiss before he'd felt inclined to press a little further, not yet convinced.

"I know you aren't just crying at night because you shoulder hurts…or your bruises Erin." He added. He trusted her, he didn't mean to imply that he didn't with that, but he wanted her to know that he knew that she'd already been shutting him out. He was giving her space at first, but hadn't they both agreed that hadn't worked for them in the past?

"I know you do." She said quietly. "I'm not trying to push you away…it's more like I'm trying to push _it_ away and so I try to pretend that it's just the pain from the wound because maybe if I say it enough times…it will be?" She swallowed hard, but when he'd nodded in understanding, she'd felt relieved. "But you're right, I…I can't avoid it forever. And when I am ready to confront it…. we'll do it together."

He studied her a little longer, but then, finally satisfied with her response, he'd kissed her softly and left for work.

At first, she'd managed to lose herself in the drama of Westeros, but after three episodes she'd drifted to sleep. That was _always_ when the trouble started. Heavy eyelids seemed to bring her only one thing lately; the memory of that monster and his hand...his mouth…his _tongue_ traveling over her skin. She faded in and out of that restless slumber the entire afternoon, occasionally waking to catch part of an episode of whatever was on the TV, serving as background noise; or to respond to one of Jay's several texts checking in on her throughout the day.

Each time she'd dozed off, it was as though more of the movie of that nightmare seemed to be revealed. This time, she'd recalled the way his hands had encircled her throat, slamming her back so wildly that her head had cracked against the wood of the headboard. That sound, repeating over and over in her mind, had startled her from her slumber and when she'd woken up, her hair was plastered to the sweaty skin around her neck and face; she'd noticed that it was dark now.

She'd promised Jay she'd eat and she hadn't even touched the crackers or fruit he'd left out for her. The only time she'd even drank from the tumbler of water he'd left for her was when her alarm had gone off to take the Advil that did nothing but give a _slight_ dull to the pain. She picked up her phone and was surprised that she didn't have any new messages from him. So, she shot him one.

 **Hey**

 _ **Hey babe, you good? Almost done here.**_

 **Miss you.**

 _ **Miss you! You okay? Need anything?**_

 **Just you.**

 **Andddd maybe a milkshake.**

 **And a cheeseburger.**

 **And fries.**

 **With cheese.**

 _ **Of course. I'll be home within an hour. Love you.**_

 **Love you more 3**

Though he was glad to see her hungry and playful, Jay couldn't help but notice that she'd managed to avoid answering his questions about her being all right and it didn't sit well with him, so he'd stayed at his desk for about fifteen more minutes before he'd gotten up.

He and Hank hadn't spoken much after their falling out in the waiting room at Med and, he wasn't really in the position to ask to dip out early after taking a string of personals to take care of Erin. Nevertheless, he felt like she needed him and, that was enough to make him chance it. Before he lost his nerve, he'd headed towards Voight's office. Before he'd even stepped into the doorway, Hank had spoken. "If she needs you, go." His gruff voice addressed Jay, despite the fact that he hadn't looked up from his computer.

Taken aback by his boss' apparent clairvoyance, Jay could only nod appreciatively. "Thanks Sarge…" And with that, he was packing up out the door. He'd have preferred to have gone straight home but the fact she'd wanted to eat anything at all had made him overjoyed. He'd witnessed her push her food absently around her plate at the hospital, which he'd understood, it wasn't exactly the most appetizing cuisine. But even when he'd gotten them takeout from that Indian place she'd absolutely loved on their first night home, she'd barely eaten that either. So, even though he'd wanted nothing more than to head straight to her, he'd stopped to order all of her requested items and some food for himself and then, he'd pretty much floored it the rest of the way home.

Juggling the food and drinks, he struggled slightly to get in the door and after ambling into their kitchen; he'd set down the loot. "Erin?" He called out, noticing that she wasn't sitting on the couch where he'd left her. When he was met with no response, he tried to keep his worry at bay. He called her name again a little louder as he moved through their place quickly, desperate.

Seconds later, he'd found her in the bathroom, slumped against the wall and his mind immediately went to a dark place. "Erin?" His voice was loud with panic and he was on his knees next to her instantly. Though she still hadn't responded to him verbally, she'd turned to look at him briefly and then, instantly, she'd dissolved into a sob. He wasn't sure how to help her, her body was so fragile, that he couldn't just pull her against him like he wanted to. He reached for her and she recoiled at his touch, an action that struck him right in the heart.

"I was going to call you…" Her phone sat next to her thighs as proof. "I had been asleep and…these dreams they…" She tried to speak through the sobs but it was nearly impossible. She pulled her knees tightly to her chest as she'd collected herself enough to try to speak again. The tears were still there but, she'd calmed down enough to speak more coherently now. "I was splashing water in my face and I looked in the mirror and…. suddenly it was like…I could… feel his hands everywhere." She whispered through the tears. "I was trying to scrub it off…" She evidenced this by raising a weak hand, in it a once white washcloth, now dirty with splotches of blood from where she'd rubbed herself raw in her attempt to remove any trace of _him_ from her body.

His eyes travelled over the places where she'd tried to scrub _him_ away and all she'd managed to do was rub her already sore and bruised skin into an even more unrecognizable state. It broke his heart further. "I can smell him everywhere…see his crazy eyes….those yellow teeth…" She finally looked at into Jay's eyes and then, immediately, she'd reached for him.

He'd gathered her carefully into his arms and brought her to their bed, lying her there, not sure what to do next. She decided for him when she'd tugged at his arm and he'd settled there next to her as she tried to find a comfortable way to snuggle up against him without it causing pain. She alternated there between silence and sobs before they'd blurred into a mix of silent tears and then finally, she'd settled against him, her body finally still. "I'm sorry…" She whispered into his chest.

"What? You have…. nothing to say sorry about, babe." He'd soothed gently, his hand stroking the back of her hair and the other wrapped carefully around her hips. "I got you now. He's never going to touch you again. You're safe." His voice was hoarse and his own tears threatened now. Here she was, broken and alone, and she was worried about apologizing and this being too much for him to handle. "Just tell me what you need and I'll do it…" He said into her hair.

"Just hold me." The whispered plea had answered his question instantly. Just as suddenly, he'd pulled her _that_ much closer, sliding her onto his lap. Her wounded arm was tucked into a sling against her chest and that side of her faced away from him. She nestled up against his chest and after several moments he felt the tension wane slightly from her body and she'd relaxed a little against him. They'd stayed like that for a little while and then she'd stirred against him. "Did you bring me my milkshake?" She asked quietly.

"I did." He responded, remembering the food he'd discarded haphazardly on the counter before, hoping her milkshake hadn't melted into a puddle there. "You want me to go get it for you? I got the burger and fries too, " He added. "We can eat dinner in bed?"

She'd only nodded in response and he'd kissed her forehead before moving to turn on the light in the bedroom. Doing so had revealed just how dark the circles under her eyes had grown, a byproduct of nightmare plagued sleep that he was all too familiar with himself. Again, he felt completely useless.

He'd helped her sit up, brought her some of _her_ pillows from the couch and then he'd gone to get their food. Upon his return, he'd spread towel over the sheets because even on her best day (using two good hands), she was a mess and he knew she'd drip some horrid combination of condiments onto the lush blue fabric if he hadn't done something to protect it. He'd managed to get a smile out of her with his actions, prompting one of his own. "You're cute." She'd said in response and they'd shared a very innocent smile, actions seemingly misplaced in the midst of the tumult that surrounded them.

"You're beautiful." He'd lamented in return.

"Not like this…" She'd muttered motioning up towards her face, the darkness there from sleeplessness and bruising; moroseness was winning out again.

" _Always_ , Er. Even now." He'd whispered, kissing her forehead. He could sense her tension; her anxious want to just forget everything.

"I couldn't even really fight him off….I felt so…helpless. I was _really_ scared Jay." The words felt almost robotic, as though she weren't the one saying them at all. She didn't dare look at him and surprisingly; she'd even taken a long sip of her milkshake, which _had_ melted slightly. The sweet vanilla flavor brought her an odd, but certainly welcome, sense of relief. "Feels like even when the bruises fade away, they won't."

"Battle scars, right? You had them long before now from other tragic and terrible things, you know? We both do." He related. "These bruises…those memories, they were from a job. It wasn't _you_. He didn't do it to _you_. You were undercover, detective." He articulated her title, as if to remind her that she hadn't been that young girl she once was this time, preyed on by some man who'd taken advantage of her deep sadness and longing for any type of affection. She'd been acting as an officer of the law. An intelligence detective. A bad ass woman. "If you had your gun, if Ruze hadn't…" He shook his head. "If _I_ had been with you….if _we_ had moved earlier…they way he touched you the way he…." He stopped, he didn't want to go on and say anything to push her back over the edge, especially when she'd finally started to eat something. She still didn't know that he'd had… _words_ with Hank and perhaps that was the confession he found most scary of all. He willed himself to hold the rest of the words in that pressed against his lips, begging to escape, to make themselves known. Maybe he was less willing to confront his own darkness over this than he'd realized initially.

She was reminded then that he carried demons from that night too. She'd become so absorbed in her own grief that she'd forgotten that. He'd watched this happen to her. His visions of that night were possibly more vivid than even her own. What part of that night was playing on the reel in his mind when he closed his eyes? What was it he saw now, as his brow was knit in concern and his strong shoulders were tense with worry. She leaned forward slightly, taking in the dark circles under his baby blues, sad to see they favored her own rather identically. More battle scars, evident of sleep they'd both lost and of what Rooster was still taking from them, even from behind bars as he awaited an almost certain life sentence conviction for the murders. The thought of him having that power enraged her. Maybe being angry would actually help to get rid of some of her ache.

"I hurt him, right?" She'd asked finally. The only part of the nightmare she couldn't seem to see was the part where she'd actually gotten free of him. Where she had been brave.

"Very badly." Jay noted. He was shocked to see no look of recollection on her face. "The high heel?" He'd uttered unobtrusively, not sure if reminding her would make things better or worse. It seemed as though the only thing she'd taken from that night was the part where her attacker had dominated her. In her fragility, she'd seemed to forget that even when she was defenseless, she'd managed to save _herself_ before they'd even made it in to the room.

She sat there in contemplation and he didn't want to disturb her thoughts yet so he just studied her carefully, waiting to make his move. He was just about to give into the need to break the silence when she'd finally spoken up.

It had taken her a moment to decide what to say because after repeating the words high heel in her mind over and over, she'd finally stirred the memory to life. Finally she remembered. She couldn't discern whether or not it made things better or worse though, it was just another haunting image to add to the reel. "I think….I think I want to go talk to Dr. Charles." She voiced almost inaudibly. "Do you think maybe you'd….come with me?"


	9. Chapter 9

**I would really like to thank everyone who has read my story and especially those who have reviewed! I'm especially looking at you reading-lover-191, ShimmerShimmerx, and Speckledegg321, your encouragement has really driven me to keep exploring this story and the deeper value in Linstead's relationship that the show doesn't always have the opportunity to explore, but so many of us crave! I hope I don't disappoint you with the latest installment!**

Jay couldn't recall the last time he'd _really_ slept. Through little _no_ fault of her own, Erin had made the task feel nearly impossible over the last few days. She hadn't gotten much either, the nightmares made sure of that. It was his worry that kept him awake. Or, maybe the worry was just a mask and he'd been avoiding sleep because he knew that it wouldn't be long before the nightmares had come for him too.

They'd seen Dr. Charles earlier this week and though immediately after they'd left, she'd felt somewhat better, the residual affects weren't long lasting and as soon as sleep came, she was back to square one. They'd all agreed they'd need at least one more productive session before he felt confident medically clearing her to return to the job.

She'd started to feel like such a burden on Jay now; causing her to remember all to well why it was her instinct to push him away. It was because of this that they'd been getting in some rather petty fights lately.

In his defense, Jay had done his best to avoid the arguments, but with her hand metaphorically hovering over her self-destruct button, Erin's defensiveness had been the driving force behind many of their squabbles. She would always feel like shit afterwards, in turn making her feel less deserving of him, which would cause her to push him away more; causing an endless, cyclical spiral of self-sabotage. It was exhausting for them both.

They'd gone to bed angry that night; both of them laying there in pointlessly stubborn, sleepless silence. Jay _hated_ to leave things unresolved before falling asleep. He'd always stressed to her the importance of not going to bed angry. That was precisely why she'd done it.

It was _easier_ to make him want to leave her now than let herself keep needing him and loving him for the unforeseeable future; just for him to one day decide that this was all too much for him farther down the road. The voices of the anxiety and depression living in her head had convinced her this was an absolute truth and fucking things up between them was the _only_ option to avoid the _real_ pain.

Jay was startled awake at 4:00 AM and he remembered briefly celebrating the fact he'd managed to get three hours of solid sleep before he'd instinctively looked over his shoulder to check on her sleeping form only to find the space next to him empty. He glanced towards their bathroom and finding it dark beyond the open door, he decided to get out of bed to look for her before letting himself become frenzied with worry.

Though he was relieved to find her sleeping on the couch, he couldn't help but feel a sense of hurt. He supposed that he should just be happy that she hadn't left or run off and that her big spiteful move had just been to fall asleep in the living room without even covering herself up. He pulled the throw blanket off the back of the couch, laying it gently over her, before just barely pressing a kiss her forehead. He'd have carried her back to bed but he didn't want to risk waking her up when for the first time since they'd arrived, the look on her face had actually been peaceful while she slept. It made him sad to see that she'd need to get away from him to find that serene slumber. She'd been hell-bent on driving a wedge between them these past two days and he'd worked hard not to let her. This was probably just another one of her ploys to get under his skin. He fucking loved her all right, but she sure could be a pain in the ass.

He'd stood there, arms folded across his bare chest, staring at her for a bit longer before he'd resigned himself to head back to bed and hopefully slip into at least another hour of actual sleep before he'd need to get up and get ready for work, though he knew without her there beside him, he'd be lucky to fall asleep again at all.

As he moved to take his leave for their bed, he was surprised to feel her hand on his wrist and tugging lightly there. He stopped and turned back to look at her, eyes locking on one another's silently for a moment before she broke eye contact and spoke. "I'm sorry, for _everything_. I'm such an ass sometimes." Before he could respond she continued. " _Don't_ tell me that I don't need to apologize because I _really_ do." She admonished, before struggling slightly to sit up. Jay moved to help her readjust and soon they were both sitting on the couch.

"Consider it forgiven." He shrugged. "It's part of your process, I can handle it."

"Just because you _can_ handle it, doesn't mean you should _have_ to." She sighed and even though she didn't feel she merited it, he put his arm around her waist and slid her closer to him. Somehow, even when she was in all this pain, he could always find a way to make her fit into him like a puzzle piece. Despite feeling that she was completely undeserving of such tenderness, she let herself melt into it anyway, if only just for a little while. "I came out here to write you a letter…I thought it might help but…" She sighed again, "I couldn't though. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't really get it out." She cast her eyes down at her hands dismissively now.

Jay's eyes fell to the pieces of paper atop their coffee table and felt an instant sense of relief. She hadn't come out here to avoid him, only finding undisturbed sleep without him there. She'd come out here to write him because she thought it might fix things between him like it had before. The thought of that gave him the hope he needed to fight for this bullshit between them to end, once and for all.

On the paper the only words she'd managed to write were the same two sentences scrawled in succession over the first eight lines of the page, sometimes separated by long lines of scribbles where clearly she'd written something else but instead, crossed it out: _I'm sorry. I love you so much._

"Maybe you could just tell me what you wanted to say then?" He knew that was farfetched and might not go well given her natural inclination to grow defensive when she let herself be exposed. Still; he figured he would try. At this point, what could it hurt? Maybe things needed to get uglier first, so she could get it all off of her chest, and then they'd finally be able to really move on and get past this, together.

Her initial reaction had been to move away from him, not wanting to give in to the suggestion that she knew would be hard on both of them and probably result in her only ruining things more. But, maybe that was what she really wanted. Or at least, what she needed to do to free him of her toxic hold on him. That motivated her and she'd seemed to gather herself together as tightly as she could against the other arm of the couch, not looking at him. But she hadn't gotten up to leave either so, he'd resigned to giving her time to make her move, all but holding his breath in anxious expectation.

She said nothing in return for some time, which he'd anticipated, but then; suddenly he heard her voice again. "I _don't_ deserve you. You're not going to want to hear what else I have to say but, just…listen okay." She sighed and she sat there for several more minutes in deafening silence before she had forced the words out. "I've done a lot of crappy things in my life. I think that's why bad shit always seems to find me, even now. Its just karma, taking care of things." She angled her face up towards his gaze finally and looked at him before continuing. "I know that you're better off without me so I guess I've been….trying to shove you away so you can be rid of me. You're too much of a gentleman just to leave. So if I _really_ love you, thenI can't justify dragging you through all of this with little to no pay out. I know you're going to say I'm worth it and you can handle this but….you _left_ me those weeks ago for a reason…" Those words came with ragged breath. "And now you're here and you have to be strong for me yet again. So your shit will take a back burner and you'll focus on me and we'll get _me_ through this, we will. Because you'll be strong… and reassuring… and _you'll_ be willing to do _anything_ to save me no matter what toll that takes on you. So maybe it's just better if we…" Even in her grief-induced rage, she couldn't bring herself to actually say _those_ words.

Though there was obvious hurt and sadness carved into his face; she saw the faintly honest hint of recognition in his eyes that gave truth to her claims, at least on some level. This justification prompted further confessions to spill out; "So that just means, _you'll_ stay lost out there in your own darkness still. You haven't gone to your group since I….since _that_ night and this is where it starts, Jay. You put me first, you lose yourself…. then we fall apart all over again. And here I've been…letting you. Letting you lose sleep over me, letting you put my needs ahead of your own…and I…it's selfish." Her words were thick with exasperation. "And then to top it all off….I keep taking these shitty stupid jabs at you and us and you just take it! And I let you…and I know I should stop…but I keep hurting you. How can I stand here and know that I'm doing this…. and I'm _still_ fucking doing it?" She hadn't realized the tears had sprung in her eyes and she instinctively moved to hide her vulnerability by burying her face in her hands, forgetting about her arm, the sudden movement brought searing pain to it and she winced.

Jay had instinctively reached for her and again, she'd retracted away, not allowing him to offer her comfort that she felt so undeserving of. "You accept the love you _think_ you deserve Erin. Because no one has shown you that… this isn't just me being some white knight here, okay? This is just _me,_ being _there_ for _you_. Stepping up for you. Because the people who have done that for you in your life have been so few and far between that you think it's somehow this huge stretch that you actually matter enough to someone….to their life…. to their own well-being that even if they wanted to….they couldn't stop caring about you and wanting to help. That they just can't stop loving you…ever," He paused to gather himself, taking in a ragged, emotion-filled breath. "It's sad Erin. It's fucking heart wrenching that you have been so badly treated your whole life that you can't understand that this isn't me being some self-sacrificing hero…this is just fucking _love_ …"

She'd resolved to stay stoic through his delivery, but his words had started to cut through the freshly spackled walls she'd built around herself in the past few days. He read her like a book. Hell, he knew her better than she knew herself right now. He was right, about _all_ of what he'd just said. The stubborn, broken part of her didn't want to admit that. Her instinct was to fire back with some shitty remark that would just push him further away but…some part of her heart had decided to stand up to her and those words didn't come, at least not right away. She just swallowed hard and looked at him for a long time, studying the redness that rimmed his eyes as his own tears threatened, he'd done a better job at staying strong then she had. Seeing him here like this, knowing his eyes were tired because of her…. and that his threatening tears had been caused by her actions….it was what gave her the strength to keep pushing him away, though only weakly at first. "You would be so much better off if you would just… _go-"_

He wouldn't even entertain her words, ones he _knew_ she didn't actually mean, so he'd cut her off. "Erin…" He began firmly, shutting her up "….nothing you can say or do is going to make me leave. So do your best...give me your shittiest. Lay it all on me. If that's what you need to feel better….then go ahead. But it's not going to push me away. It might piss me off; it might make me sink to that level once or twice… I'm no saint but…I'm not leaving you. _Ever_. Sooner or later you are going to have to accept that." He hadn't meant for his words to be an _actual_ challenge to her, but when she got into a state like this, he should've known better than to be so careless with his choice of words.

"Want to bet?" She'd dared back, because when she was this sad and broken, it was much easier to let the darkness do the talking for her. Her insolence had prompted him to rise from the couch in frustration. ' _Good'_ she'd thought, _'..it was finally working.'_

"Erin…" He'd warned in tired frustration. He wasn't in the mood right now and even though he'd tried to be gentle, her persistence was wearing on him again. He hated the seemingly wicked smile that had grown on her lips, causing him to shake his head. He knew he needed to diffuse the situation…maybe he should just walk away before she escalated things. He was fully aware at how emotionally charged they both were right now and with senses on high alert, it was only a matter of time before he'd have allowed himself to be dragged down to her level. "It wasn't meant to be a challenge, babe." He sighed and his eyes searched hers for some sign of _her_ , but her found only blackness in them now.

The sadness coating his words had caused her heart to clench. She hated herself for making him feel this way, but she'd convinced herself it was for his own benefit in the long run. A little pain now to avoid the bigger ache later…or something like that, right? "Just go away." She said finally. "You left me when things were too much to handle… maybe it's _my_ turn to ask for space, that's how we do this right, let the current drag us out and back in again?" She goaded, though her words were empty and devoid of meaning.

His anger got the best of him for a moment, at the way she'd trivialized his leaving…as though it had been his first choice, like it was _her_ he'd been running away from. Before he could stop, he'd felt the words fighting their way out. "Quit being such a…." He managed to stop himself from saying the last word, but she wasn't dumb, she knew what was implied. "You know that isn't even close to what happened." he finished, his tone strained to be less enraged then, but he knew he'd given her what she wanted, at least a little. He'd let her provoke him and he'd stoked the fire, even though he knew he shouldn't.

However small it was, the reaction she'd just elicited had emboldened her and she was poised to let loose on him now, really dig the knife in to get him to give up. She'd already mustered up the mean things she could fire at him about her finding out about him being married - but suddenly he'd moved towards her, drawing her up from the couch in one quick movement, and she felt him pull her flush against the bare skin of his chest before she'd had a chance to stop him. "Just…shut the fuck up." He'd said more roughly then the tone he'd taken with her before, and though his words were harsh, his arms were wrapped softly around her, offering comfort, despite everything.

"Quit being a bitch…shut the fuck up? That's way you to talk to the woman you _claim_ to love?" She quipped back crudely, her resolve not yet fully weakened, even as she felt herself being inclined to relax into his touch.

"When she's acting like a bitch…yeah" He stated simply, there was a firmness to his words; he refused to relent now. He'd keep her in his arms until the safety he knew she felt there had soothed away her defensiveness. He should've known that she wouldn't let him.

She reached her good arm to push out of his light hold but he tightened his arms around her slightly. "Let me go." She warned.

"No." He stated simply, though he closed his eyes to give reprieve to his watering eyes. He wanted to say more, mutter sweet words of utterances of reasons to convince her that she didn't need to lash out at him and try and push him away like this… but she didn't want to hear those words anyway, so there was no use saying them. Besides, she could've easily moved out of his grip if she wanted but, they both knew it was all for show. He'd let her pretend if she needed to. She could've effortlessly shaken free of his touch but, she wanted him to hold her despite what she'd vocalized, and he took a small comfort in that.

She gave a half-hearted squirm in his arms before allowing herself to seek solace in the comfort of his chest. "I hate you!" She spat weakly, more to convince herself to stop being pacified by the intoxicating sent of him as he'd held her there.

"You don't." He sighed, he'd managed to remove the emotion from his voice, he wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of getting a rise out of him again, especially when she was so obviously lying. It made his sympathy for her grow more then his anger at her, honestly. Though even when said meaninglessly, those words had some affect on him.

She wasn't sure what was even driving her resentment any more; everything in her brain was so jumbled up. She knew it didn't make sense. She knew there was no valid reason to try and wear him down or break things between them beyond repair…she'd fought this urge for so long. But when things were going right they eventually went wrong…it was physics or something. And when they went wrong…she found it harder to pick the pieces up and put them back together again. It was so hard to pull herself together now that it seemed almost easier to leave the pieces in a giant mess on the floor rather than trying to reconstruct herself for the umpteenth time. What she'd forgotten in all of this, blinded by her grief, was that Jay was willing to help her pick up the pieces and that when it came to putting back together Erin Lindsay; he'd proven himself to be a puzzle master.

"You should just…go stay with Will again. Why can't you just accept that I don't want you here…" She barely even tried to hide how meaningless those words were, she was only saying them for effect at this point.

"I feel like I was really clear when I told you to shut the fuck up, Erin." He said more firmly now, and it had taken her aback slightly, causing her to look up at him finally. Though they'd both been content with his arms wrapped around her, if she wanted to pretend she wasn't he'd make her own up to it. So, he moved her pointedly away, keeping her at arms length now. _Fine_ , if she didn't want softness, he could try something else. Maybe the sensitivity of the kid gloves he'd been handling her with had only enabled her to feel justified in pushing him away. "So…just shut up already. Just fucking shut up and deal with the fact that I don't care that you're broken and angry and throwing a tantrum. That even now, when you're being a bitch…because you are…I fucking LOVE you. Can you please get that through your stubborn, beautiful mind? Please? Can you find the part of you that knows you're being an idiot and can you let her out to talk to me…PLEASE? Because I know that part of you is in there, I know that you're just letting the darkness stifle her."

He searched her face briefly to make sure he hadn't just pushed her farther away with this words but she stared at him in intense interest so he chanced it and kept talking, fast and frantic as if at any moment he could lose the focused attention that showed him _she_ was still in there. "You know what, fuck it, if _Erin_ doesn't want to hear me, maybe I should address the darkness for a second…." He knew he sounded crazy but then, love was made him that way. He regarded his girlfriend once more, but this time it was like instead of speaking to her, he was speaking past her…or into her somehow. "So, _darkness_ …. last time, you used the drugs to lock the _love of my life_ up inside of you. Immobilizing her. But you don't have that as an excuse now, because she didn't let you win that battle this time. I know that _Erin_ is in there, lost in the cervices of the cloud of despair you have cast over her… and there are moments when I have caught glimpses of her fighting…clawing to get out from your clutches and you have made her think that if she is mean enough and foul enough that she can't win and then all that will be left of her is darkness but…. but I'm on _her_ team. And _we_ are stronger than you…" His eyes were wild with emotion and he searched her face for any sign that he'd gotten through to her. "Do you hear that _Erin_? Is my voice penetrating the lines of defense that you think are protecting you when they are actually just hurting you worse? It's me, your _soul mate_ , I'm out here waiting to help you through _anything_."

She stood there, with him towering over her and she fought _so_ hard to keep her resolve to be angry but his words had crashed through those last few stubborn tendencies and she knew he was right. Even without the drugs, she was being just as self destructive, only now she was doing it even though she was fully in control. She was allowing the darkness to consume her because it was… _easier_ than being strong.

Finally, unable to hold them up anymore under the wait of all the pain and sadness that had been baring down against them, her walls crashed down around her and she let herself really feel the insurmountable pain she was causing them both right now. The tears came silently this time and even though she'd let herself give in to defenselessly vulnerable exposure, she'd still taken a step away from him and turned her back to him when he'd reached out to comfort her. "Erin…" He breathed out gently, fearing that instead of making things better he'd made them worse and this was the part where she gave up completely. What would he do then? The self-doubt threatened to overtake him into his own dark place; there he'd be of no use to either of them. His need to protect her was the only thing keeping him from backsliding again.

Her fight or flight reflex was teeter-tottering in the silent war waged in her mind and it felt like an eternity had passed before she turned around finally to look upon his tear stained face. She hadn't meant for this to happen. It wasn't her intention to drag him into her dark malice only to have him stay and take it on the chin, just like she had with Bunny time in and time out. How had she managed to become the type of person who had taken the only pure, good thing she had and turned it into a weapon to hurt the man she loved? She knew immediately that she needed to make this up to him, even though he'd have told her not to worry about that just her being okay was enough. It wouldn't be enough for her. He deserved better than what she'd given him, and even though she had been through something awful…. she had no right to take it out on him. "I…" She wasn't even sure what to say. Sorry didn't seem like enough but without an apology, she didn't feel like she even had the right to address him. There were just no words to communicate any of the things she wanted to tell him right now. So, she'd show him. She took a tempered step towards him, her hand reaching towards his face, and she watched every muscle in his upper body tense at the anticipation of her touch. Her lips had found his and they moved in what felt like slow motion as parted lips came together in an almost timid kiss. He wasn't sure how she'd wanted him to react, trying to keep his emotions in check, as not to scare her away. Their brief kiss broke and even after she'd moved a couple paces back, they remained close, just staring at each other.

They'd shared several kisses since _that_ night, but he realized now that he'd been so afraid of pushing her too far or hurting her in some way, that none of those kisses had translated to their normal passion. He wasn't sure where she'd feel comfortable going physically after her attack and since she hadn't initiated anything beyond a tender kiss, he planned to wait for her to make the determination that she wanted to take things beyond that. It wasn't until now that either of them realized how much they missed the comforting heat of the spark between them.

Erin's lips found his again but this time, her tongue deepened their exchange and her uninjured arm drew up to rest a hand on the back of his neck, bringing his towering form down to meet hers. He allowed himself to be fully consumed by those kisses, ones that deepened with each second until no space remained between them anymore. He longed to give in to passionate release and for that to be what fixed everything for both of them now. But, he had to make sure this wasn't just another one of her distraction techniques that later, she'd regret going through with. "Erin…" He forced his tingling lips from her own and pressed them to her forehead gingerly. "You don't have to….maybe we should…"

"I know…" Came her husky whisper. "I want this…fuck it, I need this. I'm tired of talking…there's no miscommunication in this…" Her words ended in another passionate kiss that sent a shiver through both of them. That was enough for him and in one motion he was picking her up and her legs were wrapping around his waist, giving her the height advantage on him now. "I'm….sorry…" She whispered between passionate, longing kisses.

"Me too…" He'd muttered against her soft lips and then they were moving towards their bedroom and he was laying her down in their bed and she was pulling him down on top of her, is hands working gently to make their clothing no longer a factor. "Are you…" He didn't even have time to finish the question before she was pulling him closer, kissing him deeply in nonverbal confirmation, moving to swing her leg over his waist to command control of their encounter. He glanced up in awe of her beauty and his hands moved to steady her hips as she came down over him in one fell, sensual movement that merged their bodies together. Soon they were tangled together passionately, moving together in the familiar rhythm of impassioned love-making that seemed to last endlessly until they'd both simultaneously found ardent release. She'd collapsed against his chest after and though she'd felt like there was so much she needed to say…to apologize for he'd stilled her to silence with another deep kiss, before turning to roll her off of him to rest gingerly on her unharmed side.

"I think we've _said_ everything we needed to tell each other about being sorry for earlier…words seem to get us in trouble lately…" He'd trailed into the hair that pooled at her neck. The intensity of their encounter had brought them both to tears and it was in the most silent moments of their all-consuming experience that they'd truly said all they needed to say about what had transpired before and how they vowed to never let such darkness in again. "I think we can just agree to put it behind us and resolve to be better moving forward… you know?" He added, nuzzling against her.

"I still don't deserve you." She lamented thoughtfully, "But I am going to figure out how to…." She said quietly as tiredness was threatening to consume her now. She bestowed one last loving kiss to his lips before letting herself welcome her first bout of sleep devoid of any plaguing nightmares.


	10. Chapter 10

Jay had a ridiculously hard time getting out of bed that morning given the circumstances that had unfolded in the early hours. This had resulted in him being late to work, but he couldn't convince himself to care too much. For the first time since returning to work, he actually felt _okay_ about leaving her there alone, confident that she actually meant it when she said she'd be just fine. That didn't stop him from texting her incessantly to check on her, but, it was still progress.

Erin had felt better than she had in a long time today, may even better than she'd felt before the incident, to be honest. She felt.., somehow… _whole._ Despite the fact she'd done her worst to make him leave (more than enough times), he'd proven once and for all that he could be just as stubborn and strong-willed as she could when it came to getting what he wanted. In this case, what he wanted was _her_. She had to stop trying to convince herself otherwise and just embrace the fact that someone as perfect and wonderful as Jay could actually hold her in a similar esteem. Her determination hadn't even faltered when Jay had reminded her she had an appointment with Dr. Charles at 10:30 and that she needed to put on her best face if she wanted to get back to the office anytime soon. Her itch to return to work and lose herself in a case had grown stronger and she was going stir crazy sitting at home alone. Even binge watching had its limitations on providing entertainment.

It was with this resolved sense of renewal that she'd tackled her day, leaving the sanctity of their apartment to venture out to her appointment with Dr. Charles. He'd suggested that they have a one-on-one, without Jay there. It was because he felt she was hiding behind having him there, because she could make herself seem fine for him. Or, that's what Erin had decided he'd implied when he'd asked for Jay not to be there next time, and there was no telling her she was wrong (seriously, Jay had tried!).

After languishing around in bed for a bit longer, she'd gotten dressed (if you could call picking up leggings off the floor and wearing the same shirt she'd had on yesterday _getting dressed_ ), and headed down to Med. Dr. Charles was running a little late due to another patient. Rather than being annoyed by this, she decided not to let it bother her as she was escorted into his office to wait. Score one for positivity!

Never one to sit still, she'd taken to investigating the various pictures, degrees, and other ornamentations that decorated the doctor's small office; all details she'd rarely noticed in any of her visits here. She made a note to herself to try to _notice_ more about people she interacted with when it wasn't her _job_ to notice things. She was torn away from a photo, some happy memory of the doctor at Cubs game with friends she didn't recognize, when he came in the door.

At first, their appointment was pretty run of the mill, he asked her some probing questions, she gave him answers that provided minimal insights into her inner workings. But then, he'd asked about _him_. "So, it seems your relationship with Detective Halstead has taken a progressive turn what with you two moving in together and you allowing him to be there for you through things this time, care to elaborate on that?" His question was unassuming enough but it was the first time he'd elicited a real heartfelt answer from her all day.

Before she could assign her usual guard to her response, the words just started bubbling out; "Yeah, you could say that. I don't know…Jay is just…he is so important to me and I guess that I realized that I could take all this energy I'd been focusing on pushing him away and putting my walls up to keep from getting hurt…I realized I could take that energy and put it into actually _working_ on our relationship and figuring out how to communicate. Ground breaking stuff, right?" She poked fun at herself. "Anyway, surprise, surprise, that has actually made an immense difference. It doesn't hurt that he's been attending this PTSD support group through veteran's affairs …its really helped _both_ of us. We wrote each other these letters and they were so deep and raw and…I don't think either of us has ever just bared our souls to anyone like that. I don't know, maybe I'm just wearing rose colored glasses right now and it's all going to tumble down around me but for once, I'm not spending all my time obsessing over how things will be ruined. Because…I know that we can get through the shitty stuff. It's weird it's like I'm finally able to feel secure….or like…I don't really know how to put it… I'm just…" She paused, unable to articulate what she was going for.

"Just _happy_?" He finished for her and they both exchanged a look.

"Yeah….happy." She smiled. "It's stupid how new that feels for me." She added.

He shrugged, "It's not stupid at all. It's wonderful, Erin. I remember how you were when we first met, the person you were then would never have allowed you to be as happy as you are. You've grown a lot."

"Thanks to Jay." She credited, squirming uncomfortably in her chair, feeling the heavy weight of his compliments taking its toll on her.

"Partially thanks to Jay, but mostly he just gave you a reason to try. The work you've put in to yourself? That's _all_ you. You had to grow before you could let him in, not the other way around." He corrected and the knowing look he gave her was devoid of judgment completely.

She nodded, accepting the fact that he was right about that. She needed to give herself more credit, it wouldn't have mattered how much Jay wanted to help her if _she_ hadn't been willing to help herself. It wasn't until she'd decided to pitch in to the effort as well that things had really gotten better.

She decided that maybe this whole telling Dr. Charles _real_ stuff wasn't so bad. That prompted her to implore further, her curiosity had been peaked; "There is one thing though. The happiness…I mean…" She sighed, here she was, trying to be hones but the words didn't want to come out again. "It's still in my nature to mess things up…so I'm worried that this is all temporary. So how do I…stop that? How do I keep myself from waking up, realizing how great things are, and then ruining them all any way?"

"You keep working at it, every day. Sadly there is no quick fix or magical band aid solution. There will be good days; there will be bad ones. Sometimes lots of bad ones in a row before a good one shows back up. But you live through them. You survive. You remind yourself why it's worth fighting for and eventually, the dark skies clear and the sun comes out and the cycle all starts again and maybe there are lots of good days in a row and less bad ones. You take it as it goes. I have found that when you aren't walking through all your days alone that even on the bad ones, you can still find bits of light and happiness. You let in happiness just the same way you let in darkness. In some respects, you can decide which one you want to let consume you at what time."

She considered his words carefully, "Makes sense." She nodded, taking in what he was saying, albeit skeptically. "But, how do you just let the happiness take over? How do you…" She stopped, he'd already told her there was no magic wand to wave to make it so, it just was something that _was_ once it happened.

"Lots of different ways. You _focus_ energy on things that make you happy. Some people do yoga and mediate, other people travel, listen to music… take up a new hobby…join softball leagues… cooking dinner can be inspiring if you let it. There are so many little things that are right there in front of you that you can do every day. You just invite happiness in to the little moments in life and you create more opportunities to feel content and before you know it, the happiness has taken over."

She hung on his every word as though he were delivering some divine message that no one had figured out before, some secret to life he'd held and was letting her be privy to. In all actuality, his suggestion was pretty basic. Although she couldn't really see herself sitting in the living room meditating, she'd filed away his suggestions and they'd chatted a little more before the session had ended and he'd agreed to sign off that she could return to _desk duty_ while waiting for her active duty clearance. You know you're happy when even the prospect of being back on desk duty can make you contented. She missed her boys more than she'd wanted to admit, _even_ Ruzek.

She'd ridden that high all the way home and resolved to try one of Dr. Charles's suggestions for letting the happiness take over. Tonight, she was going to _cook_ them dinner. Maybe it was because the doctor had mentioned it or the fact that she'd spent the last few mornings watching cooking demonstrations on various talk shows; but once she'd gotten the idea in her head, her mind had been made up. So, she'd actually gotten dressed in something that wasn't leggings and one of Jay's t-shirts and she even put on a little make up! She was going to look like an actual human woman today, she decided, so she'd even gone so far as to take a shower. Jay would be beside himself when he got home. She'd grown rather exhausted from the arduous task of washing her hair with the use of only one arm, and almost given up on the whole plan, but she'd managed to convince herself it was worth it to surprise him.

Despite the fact that it had taken her forever; she'd gone to the store and purchased the ingredients to cook them a nice spaghetti dinner. For once, she'd welcomed the distraction of something to focus on besides being a grieving mess whose only goal seemed to be to remind her how much she didn't deserve Jay Halstead. She was so motivated that she'd pulled out all the stops for this one, even hand-chopping vegetables for their salad. She was practically emanating a glow from the pride she took in this fact.

When he'd texted and asked what he should pick up for dinner that night, she'd sent a cryptic response about taking care of it herself. He'd only realized she was cooking when she'd mentioned how she'd forgotten to get wine when she'd gotten the rest of the groceries. He had to read the message more than once before he'd believed he'd read it right. Erin was _cooking_? It was then that she'd also given him strict instructions to pick up a _fancy_ bottle of wine. If only she could've seen the smile that had spread across his face when he read her message from behind the confines of his desk. So _this_ was the productively grieving Erin she'd told him about.

When he finally arrived home later that night, he'd been greeted by the smell of tomato sauce, garlic, and a tantalizing array of Italian spices; it instantly made his stomach growl. Music filled the apartment and he could hear her " _not"_ singing along to it as he came in, but he knew she hadn't heard him enter. That was how he'd happened upon her in the kitchen, clad in an apron, stirring a pot that sat perched on their stove. He knew he should've said something, not just stood there watching her, but he couldn't stop himself, the view (and sweet hum-singing) was captivating.

A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips and a soft blush came to rogue her cheeks when she'd turned around and noticed him there. "Hey, I didn't hear you come in!" She smiled and she abandoned the wooden spoon on the spoon rest before crossing the kitchen to where he was standing; leaned up against the high countertop. "I was planning to change before you got home but…must've lost track of time!" She leaned up on her tiptoes to gently nuzzle his nose with her own before kissing him tenderly.

"I feel like you should be putting on _less_ clothes when I arrive…not more." He'd mused, stealing another kiss from her before brandishing the wine, "Fancy wine isn't a lot to go off of, but…I know you get a little _kinkier_ when you drink the red stuff so…" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and they shared a playful grin and another kiss before she was shooing him out of the kitchen with instructions to stay busy for the next twenty minutes so she could set the table and get everything ready. He'd tried to help but, after she'd insisted, he'd given in to her requests.

As Erin left to turn off the music she'd been blaring in his absence, Jay had disappeared to the shower. She went to work fixing the table and finishing up the food. As she'd moved plates and silverware to the tiny kitchen table, she realized they had never really even sat there to eat a meal before. Usually they were flopped on the couch to eat or they'd go out, she decided right then that they should try to have a _real_ meal there once a week, she'd have to remember to tell him that.

After cutting up the garlic bread and dishing out salad and spaghetti into respective bowls she'd snuck back to their room to grab the black dress she'd taken out of their closet earlier. True, he could probably give a shit about her outfit. But, she _knew_ he'd be more than fascinated by what she was wearing underneath. You had to wrap the present though, right? Besides, the past two weeks she'd put in such little effort in her appearance, and yet, he'd still looked at her like she was the most gorgeous woman he'd ever seen. She knew it wouldn't kill her to show off for him a _little;_ she could go back to being a lazy bum tomorrow.

"God _damn…._ " He'd muttered when he'd finally remerged from their bedroom. He'd put on a pair of slacks and a button down, for good measure, but he couldn't even hold a candle to her and the way that dress so perfectly hugged every curve of her petite frame. His lips found hers fast and he refused to pour any self-control into the series of kisses he bestowed upon them – hot, steamy, urgent; insatiable. His hand was already moving to her zipper when she'd forced the kisses to brief intermission.

"No…." It was halfhearted at first and soon his lips were pressing kisses to the spot on her shoulder once occupied by fabric that his fingers had slid down so easily just seconds ago. "No…" The second attempt was just as weak and lost on his lips again as they'd found hers. She _almost_ allowed him to have his way with her right then…but she had spent _hours_ cooking and she refused to let that all be for naught. This impromptu dinner was the most romantic thing she'd ever done for someone, she had to follow through! That reminder had inspired a more confident tone for the third attempt; "NO! Jay….. pause button! Dinner first…then…then that." She gave him a firm kiss, "Then _lots_ of that."

Although with great reluctance, he finally acknowledged his understanding. He pressed another kiss to her shoulder before sliding the soft black strap back up where it belonged. "Sorry, couldn't help myself. You look like that and I'm expected to have the self-control to keep my hands to myself? We'll call that the appetizer." He smirked and then her hand was sliding down his arm to rest in his, their fingers lacing together with practiced ease as she led him over to the spread she'd fixed for them.

"So, I cooked for you." She smiled and she paused for the inevitable teasing joke she figured he'd make, apologizing for whatever he'd done wrong to be cursed by a her cooking for them. Maybe it was the way the air seemed to buzz around them, but the signature sarcasm she'd been bracing for never came. It threw her off her game a little, but she continued on in place of prolonging the silence. "I just…wanted to take care of you the way you take care of me and… obviously I'm not the best cook, but if it sucks, we can order a pizza." She was suddenly nervous, without his teasing, she realized how much it actually meant to her that he enjoy this. "I just…yeah.,. it seemed like a nice thing to do?" She bit her lip, well this was falling apart fast. She cursed him for the kisses he'd just given her that had inexplicably melted her brain, rendering her useless now.

He could sense her anxiety and it was so damn adorable he was again motivated to just _take_ her right then and there, but, he knew this meant something to her and truth be told, it meant a lot to him too. Sure, girls had cooked for him in the past but for some reason he could just tell that even if this food was the worst thing he'd ever eaten, it would be the _best_ meal of his life. "It smells great babe," He encouraged warmly.

She did her best not to just stare at him when he took the first bite, because it would have been fucking _weird_ if he'd done it to her so she'd busied herself with pushing her fork around her salad, practically holding her breath until he'd eaten a few bites of each thing and then spoken up. "Damn, so you're a bad ass lady cop… an absolute minx in the sheets…. beyond easy on the eyes… I mean the list that is your amazing attributes is already endless but… then, then I come home from work to this? She can fucking cook, too?" He seemed to ask the last part of that to no one in particular.

She couldn't do anything to mask the million-watt grin that appeared on her lips, causing both of those adorable dimples to absolutely radiate her happiness. "So, you do hate it?" She smirked knowingly.

"Quite the contrary, my dear." He leaned across the table to kiss her gingerly. "Everything is delicious babe, thank you so much for all of this," His hand moved to squeeze her thigh under the table and they spent the rest of the meal talking about how work had been and enjoying the familiar comfort of _normal_.

Jay would've pretended the food was wonderful even if it hadn't been, but she'd truly outdone herself with the meal. It wasn't necessarily that he was shocked she'd pulled it off, but he had to admit it was much better than he'd expected when she'd first let on that she was making them dinner. The wine had flowed easily through the meal and by the time he'd swiped the last bit of sauce out of his bowl with a piece of bread, she was pouring the last of the bottle into their oversized stemless wineglasses. "Go sit on the couch I'm just going to throw the dishes in the sink and then I'll join you…" She'd said, leaning over to kiss him softly.

He'd fully intended to listen to those instructions, she'd made it clear that she was taking care of everything tonight and he knew better than to ignore her demands. But as he watched her there, standing in front of the sink rinsing dishes, his heart just became completely overwhelmed by her. He couldn't draw his eyes away, even as she preformed such a menial task. Before he'd even really thought about it, he'd moved behind her and spun her around to face him, his hand moving familiarly to grab her face and kiss her deeply. "Marry me…" He whispered into her lips, it was so faint that he wasn't even sure she'd heard him but then her body had tensed and her eyes were drawing up to his in perplexed contemplation.

He could tell she was trying to decide if this was the wine talking, or if maybe she'd misheard. Before she could get lost in that confusion, he'd reached inside of his button up, drawing the chain that held his coveted army dog tags and he flipped them over, revealing a diamond ring hidden behind them. "I've been wearing it on here for weeks now… I figured you weren't the champagne glass with a ring in it at the restaurant type so I… I just figured I'd know when it was the time and…" Both of their eyes were watering with tears as he spoke and even with a shaky voice he continued. "It was my mom's…she left it to me…with this letter that talked about I'd know when I found who it belonged to next and… it's _you_. It's always been you. It's strange because even though I hadn't given it to you yet, wearing it these last few weeks has made it feel like you're with me…" His voice was barely a whisper as he fought threatening tears and he could tell she was about to speak but his hand came up to silence her, before he'd lost his nerve, he had to finish. He'd already started rambling. He pulled the chain from his neck and undid the clasp, sliding all three adornments off of it and into his hand before discarding everything except the ring. Next, he was dropping to his knee, taking her hand in his, and as tears poured down her face he took another shaky, ragged breath. "Erin Lindsay…." He cleared his throat, " _Will you marry me_?"

Her heart had practically catapulted out of her chest when the first whisper had come from his lips, she was _sure_ she'd heard him wrong but then… he was showing her that ring and he was talking more and she was overcome with shock as she stood there listening. Was this really happening right now? He'd responded to he burning question she's asked only with her eyes by dropping to his knee and saying _those_ words; asking _that_ question. A question that, a few years ago, she didn't think she'd want anyone to ask her. "Yes!" Her reply was almost inaudible, as her words had promptly dissolved into a passionate kiss. They were both elated when they'd pulled back and she gave a more commanding answer now, "Yes, of course, yes!" She hugged him tightly now and they stood there, holding each other, silent tears overtaking them both as they just stood there in the sanctuary of one their embrace. It was awhile before they let go and then, he was making it _official_ , and sliding the ring onto her finger. "It's gorgeous, Jay." She gasped, drawing her hand up to her face so she could study the delicate and simple beauty of this meaningful treasure. The fact that it had been his mom's was even more special, and she knew that later she'd take the time to really look at and appreciate the intricately understated beauty of the filigree work along the top of the band. It was breathtaking. But right now, there was only one thing left for her to say. "Jay?" She began, her voice almost timid, yet her sultry eyes told an obviously different story.

"Hmm?" Was his only reply, as he rested his hands on either side of her neck again, studying the way that her beauty seemed to flourish even more now that she was his _fiancé_. He frowned though, when he felt her pushing him away from her slightly, creating a distance between them that he wasn't quite ready to allow. But then, his eyes were big as she was reaching behind her to tug down that zipper she'd forced him to abandon earlier.

It wasn't long before that black dress was a forgotten pool on the floor and she stood there in black lace and bows she'd been hiding underneath and his breath was caught in his throat. "Un-pause," She rasped, a devious smile playing on her lips.

He didn't stop to debate the grammar of that statement, and instead, in one quick movement he'd moved towards her, picked her up, and carried his _fiancé_ to bed, where for the first time, they both _wanted_ a night devoid of restful sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Privacy. It was something they both enjoyed their fair share of, which was why it hadn't been hard to come to the mutual decision to keep their engagement to themselves, at least for now.

Since he'd given it to her last night, you couldn't even try to pry that ring off of her finger. But now, as she'd just finished getting ready for her first day back at the office, the ring took up residence on the chain of a long necklace that was neatly tucked into the front of her shirt, much like the way Jay had worn it for weeks prior.

Telling Hank that they were engaged seemed like it deserved a little more delicacy than just walking in to the office rocking her new bling. So, until they decided when they wanted to let the air out of the bubble they were living in, they'd keep it a secret. It wasn't like Jay was jumping at the chance to tell Hank Voight that he'd asked his pseudo daughter to marry him…did Hank expect him to ask permission? Erin had told him once that any man who needed her "dad's" permission to date her shouldn't waste his time asking her out…but was marrying her different? He shook the thoughts from his head; she'd shown her appreciation for that proposal and ring more than enough times last night, there was nothing to doubt. A wicked smile had played on his lips when he recalled the details of all those "thank you" moments.

She was greeted with the usual fanfare the team put forth when someone returned from being out from an injury and after taking their fair share of jokes about how lucky they were to have her as their administrative assistant for the next few weeks, the boys had finally retired to their own desks and done some _actual_ work.

They'd just wrapped a pretty big case the night before so they'd all been deep in paperwork while Erin had pretty much sat around with nothing to do unless someone needed help and even then, they were usually just menial tasks. This was not quite the day back she was hoping for! This was Chicago, hadn't _someone_ been murdered today? She felt instantly terrible for basically willing someone dead and before karma could hold it against her; she was recanting the thought.

She made eyes over at Jay and then shifted her gaze to the break room, indicating he should meet her there. They rose from their desks at slightly staggered intervals and when Jay had walked in slightly after her, he found her fixing them both coffees. "Yessss!" He beamed, accepting the mug appreciatively. "Back not even a day and already making a vast difference for the entire city!" He teased; knowing she'd been excruciatingly bored all morning with nothing really to do.

"It's almost lunch and making you a coffee is literally the best thing I've accomplished so far. I'm bored out of my mind. Can't you give me something of yours to work on…I don't even care if it sucks." She pouted and without really thinking she leaned over to kiss him, probably a little more deeply than she usually would have at the office. This caused both of them to blush slightly as they pulled away, though the red in Jay's cheeks seemed to be one more rooted in passion than embarrassment.

"If you really want to feel useful I can think of a few things of mine you are more than welcome to suck at if we just go down to the locker room…" He gave her one of those devious looks of his that always made her roll her eyes.

"You're an idiot." She'd replied with mock annoyance, "But you're my idiot." She added, softening the blow. She leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss his forehead gently before meandering back towards the bullpen. Hank was sitting in his office and she decided that rather than get Jay in trouble for slacking off on his work on her account, she'd just go bother Hank instead.

Moving into the older man's office, she sat down in one of the chairs across from him and waited for him to move his eyes away from his computer screen to look over at her. "What?" He'd asked finally, after making her squirm far too long.

"Anything I can help you with?" She asked cheerfully. Although she sat there rather uncomfortably, shifting her arm against her chest to try and adjust it in a way that made it hurt less. Even though Jay had told her she should just wear the damn sling, she'd refused on account of it making her look like the _opposite_ of a badass lady cop (it was his fault for using those words to describe her!). But keeping her arm bent at the right angle and not knocking it into things had proven more taxing than she'd originally given credence to. However, she knew one thing to be true; if she came in with a sling, there was _no_ way Hank would even consider letting her out in the field any time soon. Dealing with the pain now was _totally_ worth it.

"Yeah kid, I got a table I need moved…" He smirked over at her. "Where's your sling? Thought the doc told you to use it for at least one more week?"

"Jay…" She narrowed her eyes and turned her head to glare at her _fiancé_ where he sat at his desk, oblivious to the eye daggers she'd been throwing at him. He would totally pay for sic'ing Hank on her about not wearing it!

Hank smirked. "No, don't blame Jay. I know you're a dirty rotten liar, I called the doc and asked him because I knew your stubborn ass would come parading in here like you were fine when you aren't." Even though he was acting tough, she could see the soft playfulness in his eyes.

"Gee, I wonder where I learned that from?" She snarked back. "Mind over matter, that's what I say. I've taken worse hits from a bullet stopped by my vest, I'm fine to go out on interviews, can we at least agree on that?"

"No, what we can agree on is you got shot in the damn arm and until the doc gives you clearance, you can park your happy ass in that chair out there and be grateful that the bullet only made you suffer through desk duty for a few weeks and not for the rest of your time as a cop."

She frowned at him, he was right, she should be grateful. And, she was. But that didn't change that right now, this fucking sucked. "But I'm bored…" She gave a slight wine to her voice that instantly brought them both back to a younger version of herself.

"Boo hoo. Now quit griping and leave me alone unless you want me to send you down to help Platt at her desk…." Hank didn't need to finish his threat; Erin was already bouncing out of the chair.

"Nope! I'm done." She laughed gently as they shared a small smile before she returned to her desk.

The morning continued on at a snail's pace and it wasn't until after lunch that Platt had emerged from the stairs with a message that would bring a little action to Erin's day. "Lindsay!" She'd boomed out at her arrival, causing Erin to basically jump from her chair as her name left the other woman's lips.

"Yes?" She looked up expectantly at she moved towards Platt, who was waiting at the top of the stairs. "Bunny is downstairs…. she said it's urgent she see you."

The look on Erin's face shifted from excited to crestfallen in seconds and she turned back to give Jay a confused look before moving towards the stairs. Whatever her mom wanted, it would at least be interesting. She made her way downstairs and found Bunny waiting in the small room to the right of the double door entrance to the district. She hadn't even had a chance to voice a greeting before her mother spoke. "You were _shot_? And you didn't even tell me?"

"Bunny…" Erin began, sucking in an annoyed breath. "I was fine, it wasn't even serious. What would I have accomplished telling you?" She fought the urge to add; 'you'd just use it as an excuse to get high.'

"I'm your mother I should know these things Erin…" Those baiting words almost worked. That was the kind of thing that could've made her feel bad before, but Erin was stronger now, not such easy prey for her mother's mind games.

"When you want to be," Erin dared, not sure why she was already feeling like she was at her wits end with the woman she hadn't seen in a few weeks when their conversation had only just started. Maybe having Jay's love so readily available had made her realize how much putting up with Bunny's shit hadn't been worth it.

"Erin, that's not fair you know that I've always done the best I could for you…." The older woman started to defend herself but Erin cut her off.

Despite the fact there was almost zero truth to that statement, Erin knew it was easier to play along then to fight and if she wanted her visitor to leave sooner rather than later, she should just take the easy route. "You're right mom, I'm sorry." She bit her tongue to keep out the sarcastic remarks that threatened to compromise her mock sincerity. "Look, I appreciate you coming to check on me, but like I told you, I'm totally fine. So, if that's the only reason you came down here then…I really need to get going. I've been out for awhile and the team _really_ needs me up there." She lied easily, looking for an out. If Bunny had actually come here from a place of concern, she might feel bad later for kicking her out, but she highly doubted that was the only reason behind her 'urgent' visit. Still, that didn't stop a small part of her from hoping that concern for her wellbeing was the only thing that had brought her mother here.

"Well…it's only part of it…" Bunny confessed and Erin mentally cursed herself for even entertaining the idea that Bunny had come here with anything resembling pure intentions.

Her forgiving mood was suddenly gone and the snappiness returned to her words, "What is it mom?" She asked, annoyed.

"I'm in trouble, baby." Bunny whispered, moving to close the gap in the space between them. "Jimmy….well when there was the whole misunderstanding about him being your dad…you know he'd leant me a lot of money… and when you did that stupid dna test and told him what's what…he demanded I pay him back. Well I have been working on it, I have but…. things come up and…." Erin gave her mom a pointed look that told her she better get to the point of the story soon, "Well…so… I get a call the other day from Jimmy and…he said he gave me long enough and that if I don't get even with him soon then his former cellmate out of Leavenworth….Andy something…. has no problem collecting _interest_. "

Unbelievable. Not only had Bunny not come here to actually check on her, she was asking for a _favor_. "Mom, you know I don't have a lot of money, I'm a cop. So, I can't bail you out of this, I'm sorry…" It was beyond her why she was apologizing but, old habits died hard.

"What…no, no baby I'm not asking you for money…I just meant…maybe you could do something…threaten him or something, you know….when a cop starts poking around, people tend to back off…."

"I'm not flashing my badge to get you bailed out of a mess you got yourself into. You lie all the time Bunny and you do shitty things to people and it caught up to you…maybe you need to learn from this by figuring it out yourself, okay? Now, I have to go. Good luck…" She'd turned to leave but then, Bunny's claws were still sunk so deep into her that when her mother spoke again, she instantly froze to listen.

"But Erin…please I need your help here…what if they _hurt_ me? Are you really going to be okay with yourself if anything happens and you know that you just sat there letting it?" Bunny was good at laying on the guilt, Erin had to give her that.

A befuddled look crossed the younger woman's face and she was honestly not even sure what to say in response to that. "Are you fucking serious?" Erin was incredulous now, "You sat there _many_ times watching people hurt me Bunny. Watching your grown man friends putting their hands on your _teenage_ daughter. You fed me drugs and booze when I was grieving my friend… _you_ _hurt_ _me_ so many times. How dare you sit here and try and guilt trip me! They try to hurt you; you call 911, just like everyone else. We're done here. Don't come back to my work unless you have a police emergency." And with that, she was turning on her heels to head back up stairs.

"Erin…" Bunny's voice was desperate now and Erin could tell she was going to cry; it made her so mad that her mother's obvious acting could still elicit a sympathetic reaction out of her. "Please, I just…" Bunny's tearful voice tapered off.

"You _just_ what? You just need something, so why won't I give it to you? Because I don't need _you_ anymore, mother. I have Jay. He's my family now. I have Hank. He's _been_ my family for a long time. And, I have a ridiculous bunch of clowns up there that are my brothers so; can you _just_ stop? If you _really_ care about me then you'll give it a rest because… I've had enough."

"Jay isn't your family, Erin." Bunny's words clearly ignored her daughter's request and they were accompanied by an almost evil laugh. Of course Bunny would result to degrading when Erin didn't give her what she wanted. "He's not like you, you aren't cut from the same cloth. He doesn't understand you. You two, playing house… you think that's forever? Women like us, who come from where we come from…they don't settle down with men like _that_. Then you'll want me again Erin…you _always_ come back to me."

So many terrible things wanted to explode out of her mouth and hit Bunny right in the face but she was now too evolved to sink to that level. She refused to give her mother the satisfaction of knowing she'd gotten to her. Normally, Bunny's comments would have immediately set her off. She couldn't pretend her own negative self-doubt hadn't painted a picture exactly like the one Bunny had, many times before. But somehow, hearing those words shuttled at her in such pathetic desperation had actually made Erin _laugh._ "I am _nothing_ like you." She said finally and she refused to give her anything else. So, before Bunny could stop her, she was already out of the door and halfway up the stairs. 

"Oh baby," She'd heard Bunny begin, but she was already typing in her numbers to get upstairs, "You _wish_ that were true." Her mother finished.

Erin didn't give her the satisfaction of getting a response, not even casting a look her way, and she let the metal door slam loudly behind her as she was finally free of that conversation. Though she'd tried to let it roll off her back, her irritation was evident as she slunk back to her desk, anger written into her forehead. This prompted Jay to give her a concerned look and she just shook her head, indicating that she'd fill him in later.

He watched her there with that scowl wrought into her face for a few more minutes before calling his own break room powwow, their second of the day. "Hey, what happened?" He asked temperately, moving to place a gentle hand on her hip once she'd finally joined him in their unofficial meeting place.

"Just Bunny…being Bunny." She sighed and then he gave her a look that implored further and she knew that there was no use shutting herself off to him. Even if Bunny's words had sent her in a momentary tailspin, here was Jay to center her again. "She said some shitty things about you…about us?" She shrugged, "She was pissed because I wouldn't bail her out of this situation between her and Jimmy so she goes off on this whole thing about how girls like _us_ don't end up with men like you…." She glared as the words came out, "I am _not_ my mother!" But, she was saying that more for herself than him. She shook her head and brought her good arm up to rub her temples. She hated that she was letting Bunny get to her. Looking up at him again after a beat she revealed more than she intended, "What's shittier is…. I wanted to tell her we were…" She dropped her voice extra low for the next word; " _engaged_ just to shut her up but…I couldn't have the first person I give that news to be her…and done out of anger no less…why do I let her get to me?" She moved to lean her forehead against his chest and felt comfort when he kissed the top of her head.

"Because you're human…and Bunny is a special brand of mess that leaves disaster wherever she goes and you were the only one willing to pick up the pieces for so long you feel some twisted sense of obligation to keep doing it?" He offered honestly.

"That was rhetorical, Halstead." She glared, moving back from him, though she wasn't about to misplace her anger from Bunny on him for that comment, even if it did sting a little at how close it hit to the truth. She offered him a smile, an annoyed one, but it was still a smile; before moving to lean against the counter and ponder things some more.

She reflected back to her conversation with Dr. Charles, about how you had to fight to invite in happiness and work towards it everyday. She had _so_ much to be happy about right now and here she was, focusing on the bad shit, like always. _No more._ "Jay…I changed my mind." She pulled the necklace from around her neck and for a split second; absolute horror filled his eyes. Confused at first, it suddenly dawned on her what he thought she was implying. "No, GOD NO. I didn't mean…I just meant about keeping it a secret!" She insisted, leaning up to kiss him quickly as if to prove this point. "We have to invite happiness in to our lives," She recited. "Not hide it. That's why our ugly stuff always fucking wins! We are sharing the good. Now!"

He was too relieved to speak. His heart had basically fallen into his stomach when she'd said she 'changed her mind' and he was still processing what she'd meant by that when she was clasping the ring and his hand in her own, leading him to Hank's office. He was finally pulled from his stupor by the sound of her shutting Hank's door. "We need to talk." She was saying and now, his eyes were big. What? They were telling Hank, _now_? He needed more time to mentally prepare.

"You're pregnant?" Hank asked bluntly, though it seemed more like a statement then a question. This elicited a scowl from Erin.

"What? No! Just…shut up and let me talk." Jay's eyes went even wider at her telling Hank to shut up; he was fairly certainly she was the _only_ person on earth that could do that _and_ live to tell the tale. Even more, Hank had actually _listened_ to her command. Jay was amazed. Erin went on; "We are…" There was a break in her confidence, but she glanced over at Jay, and that was all she needed to inspire the conviction to continue; "Jay asked me to marry him." She said finally and then, she was uncurling her fingers and revealing the most important piece of jewelry she'd ever possessed. Finally, she was securing it back in its rightful place on her finger and for the first time since taking it off that morning, she felt _right_. "And I said yes." She added, as if that hadn't already been implied.

She wasn't anticipating Hank to have a strong reaction, so when his face had become red with emotion, she found her own mimicking its shade. He took a moment and with slightly watery eyes, his voice cracked as he rasped; "That's real good, kid. I'm happy for you."

Who knew such a simple statement could melt the stone that surrounded both Hank Voight and his young protégé, but yet it had. They shared an embrace and even though Jay would take this to his grave, he watched as Hank's shoulder shook slightly with silent sobs. Erin's tears were a bit more obvious and they held each other tightly for a good while before pulling apart. Hank gave Jay a glare that told him to never speak of this emotional moment to _anyone_ but then, more gently; he was pulling Jay into a hug as well. "You've earned her." He stated simply.

That statement spoke volumes to each of them.


	12. Chapter 12

Telling Hank had brought her an instant sense of relief and she allowed herself to celebrate her happiness just that much more. Erin had bet Jay it would take days for the guys to notice but she'd been proven almost immediately wrong when Adam had zeroed in on the object now adorning her left hand seconds after she'd walked out of their boss's office. "What the fuck is that? My man!" He'd risen from his desk and slapped Jay on the back before pulling him into a hug, he'd immediately pulled Erin in as well and then seconds later Kevin was joining in. "Come on Al….it's a group hug, don't fight it." His prompting had drawn a reluctant Olinsky in as well in the most epic of group embraces.

"Okay, geez, watch out for the girl with the bad arm!" Erin had piped up after tolerating the crushing weight of her chosen family against her long enough; it had shifted from being pretty adorable to a little painful fast and she'd only endured it this long because, truth be told, it was one of the safest places she'd ever found herself. They all gave her apologies and then had pulled her into to individual proper hugs before moving to offer Jay congratulations as well.

"Should've worn the sling." Jay had noted with a wink once the guys had moved to Al's desk in some hushed conversation. That had left him sitting back down in his desk chair with her standing in front of him. "People don't squeeze the girl wearing the sling, it's all I'm saying." She'd rolled her eyes at him, as usual but she'd given him a knowing smile that was the closest he was going to get to hearing her say he was right. That silent concession was enough for him and he drew his drawer open and produced a bottle of ibuprofen; "You haven't taken any since we got here and it's going to hurt like a bitch later when it all catches up to you…humor me…." He'd popped the top of the pill bottle and she'd extended her hand to him with a reluctant sigh. "Should've let me drive all those years, then you wouldn't have a house husband on your hands." He winked at her and they shared another small smile and laugh. Picking up a half-empty water bottle from his desk, she took the meds appreciatively because he was right she was an idiot for trying to prove herself right now; taking a shot at contact range and living to tell the tale was proof enough of her bad-assery.

Suddenly, Adam was in front of them again. "We had a little powwow and we decided that this calls for Molly's after work to celebrate and we don't really care if you want to or not because it's happening… and we are getting you both white girl wasted."

Eye rolls were apparently her main form of communication now and the one she'd given Adam was pretty exaggerated, "You're ridiculous Ruze…but actually that sounds nice… right, Jay?"

"Hell yeah it does!" Jay's voice was enthusiastic as his hand went up to complete the high five that Adam offered him; he'd actually been excited at this suggestion from the start. It had been too long since they'd all let loose and this was the biggest reason to celebrate he could think of. He'd waited for her reaction because he didn't want her to feel pressured to agree to it on his account, not sure if all that today entailed had taken it's toll on her. He would've totally understood if she'd wanted a quiet night at home; but he was really glad she didn't. Besides, tipsy Erin was always _very_ playful and after that outfit she'd worn last night; his appetite for her was insatiable.

His impure thoughts had distracted him from getting much of anything done as they'd all tried to power through the last few hours of the workday before heading out to Molly's. She'd caught him undressing her with his eyes more than once and she'd just shaken her head at him with a disapproving grin, though she couldn't help but feel giddy at his obvious attraction and longing for her. The ring atop her finger served as a constant reminder now that his allure for her wasn't just some passing thing anymore – for _both_ of them, this was….forever. She'd craved this type of stability for her entire existence, she was sure of it.

Time had continued to creep by until they'd all finally headed out and met up at their favorite corner table inside the bar. Erin was slid next to the wall and nestled into the crook of Jay's arm. Kevin and Al sat across from them as Adam waited at the bar for the first round of shots they were going to have, that he'd insisted be on him. "Look who the cat dragged in!" He'd announced as he showed up at the table with Kim in tow, she exchanged cheerful greetings with the team as Adam distributed the shots to the them, handing doubles to both Erin and Jay before taking a seat next to the couple; "Okay, okay let's get serious here for a second, alright? These two crazy kids have finally stopped dicking around and they are going to settle down once and for all! If that is not cause to celebrate, I don't know what is. Now, I am pretty sure it's typical to give some sort of advice in this situation and even if it isn't and…I'm no expert, I still have something to offer. I happen to know the key to a fulfilling, prosperous, long lasting marriage and lucky for you, I am willing to share it. This shot right here…. the _secret_ to a happy marriage." Ruzek raised his shot glass in the air ceremoniously and the others followed suit, albeit with a few sighs and eye rolls at his overly exaggerated antics. "They call it the blow job!" And with that there was an uproar of laughs and a slight tint to both of Erin's cheeks but they were all throwing back their shots and Al was muttering something about getting a real man's shot for the next round and disappearing to the bar.

"You should've saved that toast until I'd had a few more shots to butter me up and I'd have found that _way_ more hilarious." She'd chided at Adam, giving him one of her now signature eye rolls.

Even though she'd probably rather die than admit it, Erin was ridiculously happy when Kim had begun to squeal with happiness and forced the boys out of the booth so she could get next to Erin and obsess over her ring. Glad to have another girl to geek out over it with, Erin let herself fall into a blissfully happy study of the diamond that took up residence now on her left ring finger. Jay watched in quiet bemusement as Kim had taken pictures of Erin displaying her ring in the standard poses before she'd told Jay to join in. It occurred to them both that this would be their first picture with them and the ring and at the last second, she'd turned her head to kiss his cheek. Kim captured the precious moment with her iPhone and then a couple more of them candidly smiling at one another before she'd situated them for a more _official_ photo. Then, the two women had gone back through the camera roll to coo over the photo stream, leaving Jay to fall back into the casual conversation he'd been having with the guys.

The time passing by at their favorite bar had pretty much been a haze with the rounds of shots and numerous toasts to their engagement, all of them _much_ more appropriate than Adam's had been. The red tinting Erin's cheek wasn't from embarrassment now but the flush of warmth brought on by the numerous shooters she'd had and the whiskey on the rocks she'd been nursing since Gabby had delivered it to them in her own offering of congratulations. They'd shifted seats again; Kim sat against the wall previously occupied by Erin and she was leaned up alongside Jay's side body now for support as she turned to face Kim.

"So…what are you thinking for the wedding, or have you even gotten that far, I know this is new so I'm rushing it with this question…but, I'm just excited for you! It's an exhilarating time!" Kim had gushed when they'd found themselves able to sneak into their own conversation again as Kev, Al, Adam, and Jay debated who had been the all time franchise player in Hawks history, their conversation had grown heated quickly and Erin and Kim were more than happy to tune them out in favor of girl talk.

"I…I don't know. I haven't put much thought into it…" Jay's ears perked up as she started to speak and he found his interest in the hockey argument waning as he tried to listen to the women speak without being obvious; he was curious to hear what Erin might say when she didn't think he was listening. "Honestly…I just want to wear a fucking gorgeous, more expensive than necessary, dress but then just do it at the court house or something simple like that, well maybe nicer than a courthouse wedding if I'm being really honest…too bad we don't have some sort of quaint backyard we could use...just you all, Hank of course, _maybe_ some other close friends…oh! And our brothers would be invited…I'd rather blow the money on some insane trip we could take together and keep the wedding itself small and casual to celebrate with the people we love. That makes way more sense then pouring a ton of money making it some big to do that totally isn't our style…" Okay, so maybe she had thought about it all day while she'd been bored at work and there was a chance she'd already had the internal debate about whether they'd both go by Detective Halstead in the near future.

Her face was flush again, embarrassed at how she'd basically just word vomited all of that to Kim unintentionally; sure they were close but Erin was usually more reserved than this. She took a long draw from her glass of whiskey, and though it had forsaken her by making her talk a little too much, she welcomed the familiar warmness it brought as it burned down her throat. She finished the rest of it in that long sip and then clanked it down on the table in front of her a little more loudly than she'd intended. Fuck it! Gushing with Kim about wedding fantasies was one of the least terrible things that had ever resulted from her having a little too much whiskey; she'd take it! Saying it all out loud had just made it that much more real. She was _marrying_ Jay Halstead! She'd reached over to squeeze his thigh, and even in her tipsy state, she could tell he'd just been staring at her even though he'd looked away almost as soon as her head had turned to see him. She couldn't help but smile at that.

"Well, any time you want to go look at dresses, give me a call. I know you are going to wear the hell out of everything you try on!" Kim had smiled and then she'd leaned over to snap another selfie of them together with the ring as the focal point; Kim's expression one of over exaggerated shock as she stared at it. Their photo shoot was interrupted with prods from Adam about how she was the only one left who owed the table a round to celebrate the happy couple and that Lindsay's glass was officially empty now. This had ended the women's conversation promptly and soon, Kim was rising to go get a round of shots on her for the table, causing another rearrangement of seats, prompting Jay to slide back over to his fiancé.

"Sounds simple enough…" He'd spoken up, revealing he'd been guilty of eavesdropping on their conversation and she'd been right when she'd thought she caught him staring. He couldn't help himself; she had been so damn adorable when she'd described it. He had to admit, everything she'd explained sounded pretty perfect; he was going to work on finding her that quaint backyard….

"Then let's set it up for next week…" She'd winked back in reply; and truth be told, she was only half joking. Her jesting words hadn't been lost on him though and the wheels in his mind, lubricated with whiskey, had started to turn.

Another hour passed before Kim was piling the pair of them into an uber. They were snuggled up in the back of the driver's sedan losing themselves in soft kisses and playful touches as they headed back to their apartment. "Tonight was _reallllly_ fun…" There was slight slur to Erin's words and maybe she had to admit Adam had held up his promise of getting her "white girl wasted" tonight. She'd usually made a point to only get _this_ drunk when she was home, lest she do something stupid out in public or fall into old habits. Even those nights had been fleeting in the past few months as she had come to doubt her ability to keep herself from falling into old bad habits. But tonight she'd thrown caution to the wind knowing that it wasn't only Jay who had her back, but their whole crew.

Her reckless abandon had motivated him to let loose as well and though he'd originally refused to partake after the first couple rounds of shots, it had been her who'd whispered into his ear to just go for it; prompting him to join back in for the fifth round. Though with the size and mass of him, the shots didn't quite have the same effect on him as they did on her, so he kept a comfortable control over the situation. A nice buzz tingled over him and he'd watched her contently, as she'd interacted with their friends and giggled way more than she usually did; it was a sight for sore eyes.

His smile grew at her words and he kissed her again in agreement, casting his eyes out the window for a landmark that might tell him how much longer until they arrived at their place. A glimpse at a street sign told him they were only a few blocks out now. "Very fun…but not even half as much fun as what is about to transpire when I get you upstairs…" His voice had a familiar gruffness to it now and it affected her in _all_ the right places. The remaining miles of the car ride had been silent, save for the sounds of ragged breaths taken when lips had broken away from each other for quick moments before returning hungrily to find each other again.

They'd barely made it up the stairs before he was pulling at her jacket and kissing her neck. She was drunkenly fumbling to get the key in the lock; a task already difficult for her with one hand now made impossible by the kisses pressed to her neck and the roaming hands that distracted her from making any progress. She'd given up and let him press her there against the door in a passionate kiss, her hand tugging at his belt. "Damn it woman, give me the keys!" He'd said breathlessly stopping the kiss only to take them from her hands and place them properly in the lock so they could take this out of the hallway and into the bedroom before they were putting on an X-rated show for the neighbors. Why had he left this task to her drunk injured ass in the first place?

He'd scooped her up quickly once that door was open and her legs were already wrapped around his waist when he was kicking it closed once they were safely inside, making it only to the interior wall next to the door's hinge before he'd forced her against it; pressing hungry kisses to her mouth and neck again, unable to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for her.

Her injury didn't stop her from helping him out of his jacket and shirt and soon she was shimming down his front and walking him backwards towards their shared sleeping quarters. Her hand was on his chest and her eyes met his with such intensity it caused goosebumps to prickle on his skin. His knees hit the soft side of their mattress in no time at all and her hand was gently pushing against his chest, so he'd sunken down to sit there in front of her. She came up between his legs still fully clothed, a fact that made Jay frown and tug at the hem of her shirt before his fingers were moving to make quick work of the buttons of her red flannel. He'd pulled it back to reveal the top of a lingerie set somehow sexier than the one she'd had on last night though if you'd told him that yesterday, he'd have sworn it would've been an impossible feat. There was just something about that soft pink lace that looked so delicate on her right now; it sent him over the edge. His hands were moving to the button of her jeans when she'd gotten that devious look in her eyes that had basically been a promised appearance after she'd killed her second double whiskey. "What?" He asked studying her as he peeled the tight blue fabric off of her hips, sliding it down her legs as he took the time to study her carefully.

"Just thinking…" She grinned, stepping out of the last article of _real_ clothing that she had on and looking right at him. "You got on your knees for me yesterday so…" A knowing grin spread on his face as she tapped his knees farther apart and then sank down between them, causing her to cast her head up to look at him once she'd settled there. "I mean if it's the secret to a happy marriage it seems only logical to start early…" Her hand was working at his belt buckle but the liquor had made her dexterity with one limb that much worse and it was taking too long for both of them. Soon, his hands were there; doing the work quickly and then letting her take back control. Though she was so hard and dominating in their regular life and especially at work, she found her self to be surprisingly submissive when it came to her lust filled moments with Jay. It was the only time she'd usually guarantee him the control over a situation; more than happy to let him have his way with her. But tonight…tonight was going to be different. He hadn't been wrong when he'd mentioned how playful whiskey could make her; it was why _she_ had kept requesting it all night; if she was being forthright.

"Erin…" His breath had caught in his throat at the feeling of her fingers sliding down the waistband of his boxers and she'd silenced him with a kiss that left him no choice but to give in to the fact that it was her now who had the control. Nothing she had planned would've caused any resistance from him anyway and as her mouth went so expertly to work bestowing pleasures he'd soon become lost in, he was acutely aware of just how much he _needed_ her in that moment. What she was doing now had only thrust his longing for her into overdrive. She would have let him finish and taken it like a champ (thanks whiskey!) but he'd had other plans. He'd given her control long enough; it was his turn now. In one movement he was pulling her up to him and tearing at the lingerie that he'd appreciated so much before; but had grown abhorrent of now that it was the only thing standing in the way of passionate release for both of them. Her hand had come to help him push them out of the way as lips had come crashing together. She bit at his bottom lip in frustration; which had prompted him to break away just long enough to remove the offending item and cast it to the side; before he'd initiated that ardent connection they both so clearly longed for.

Moans would fill that room until it was almost bursting with them and after a marathon session like no other; they'd collapsed into a heap just as the sun was coming up.


	13. Chapter 13

They had fourteen blissful days together before the darkness came again; this time for Jay.

At least as blissful as days can be when investigating a string of robberies that had let to thirteen fatalities and a triple homicide involving tender aged children. The eight most recent of those fourteen days had found Erin finally back on active duty and though she wasn't at a hundred percent yet, she'd lost the sling for good now and she was almost back to her full range of motion in her shoulder. The cuts and bruises had long since healed and faded away. Without the constant physical reminders, she was finally able to really let go of some of the stresses of that night that had torn at her resolve over the last two weeks. She was stronger for it. Better police, Hank had said.

Wednesdays had taken on a new tradition of sorts and for the past two weeks. Jay would go to group on those days and Erin would cook them dinner. Last week she'd tried her hand at a stir-fry that had ended up in the trash but this week; she was making tacos! She was practically elbows deep in bowl of avocados she was smashing into guacamole when she heard his keys in the door. "Kitchen!" She'd called out to him, returning her attention to the task at hand.

It was longer than she expected before she heard him taking off his shoes by the door and then walking in to the kitchen. One look at him and she knew something was wrong. She abandoned the bowl on the counter, grabbing a towel to wipe off the remaining evidence of her cooking efforts before she was crossing over to him. "Hey, you okay?" She asked, her hazel eyes fixing on his blue ones; she noticed that they looked weary and laden with stress.

He just drew her against him wordlessly at first and when he'd buried his face into her neck she knew it was something terrible. She could tell from the ragged way in which he was drawing breaths that he was trying to keep himself together; it made her pull him in just that much tighter. He spent several long moments hunched there in the safe, warm, comfort of her embrace before he was righting himself back up to stand. "Remember that kid I was telling you about…the one who talked to me about the letter and who'd lost his leg…" He swallowed the lump that was caught in his throat. "Found out at the group today that he…uh." Jay shook his head. "He took his life three days ago…hung himself in his parents basement…." It was once the words had passed through his lips that the burden of them had really sunk in. He could have, fuck that, he should have done more to prevent this. Reached out…touched based even once…it could've made all the difference.

"Oh, Jay…" Erin began, her hand moving up to rub his tense shoulders. "I'm so sorry…" She whispered, her eyes studying his. "You want to eat dinner and talk about things?" She asked gently.

"I don't want to talk or eat I just…" He drew her forcefully against him now and pressed a deep kiss to her lips; though it was devoid of his usual passion for her. Talking about this wouldn't help. Eating would just make him sick. He just wanted to shove it all away; replace all the emotions that threatened to break him down with something better. It was exactly this method of not dealing with things that had led to that colossal mistake with Abby years ago. Old habits didn't just die had for Erin. Jay Halstead had several coping mechanisms for refusing to deal with the pain and torture that was his PTSD. Booze, sex, and self-deprecation were his most reliable favorites though.

She kissed him back with a tempered reluctance and soon enough he was tugging at her shirt. His touch was hungry and rushed, not the usual careful way in which he would handle her. "Jay…" She'd murmured against his lips knowing that this would merely dull his pain and not make it go away but who was she to deny him even the slightest of relief. Lord knows she'd been in this exact same emotional spot before. He could use her as an escape and release if that's what he needed right now.

Just like that; dinner became a forgotten thought in the kitchen and he'd taken her to bed. Being with her worked like he knew it would; her soft skin was a welcome distraction and the even softer moans that had poured from her lips had allowed him to shove all the pain away and focus on those sweet whispered sounds. An hour had passed before he found himself spent, rolling away from her and onto his back. Usually he'd pull her against him once they'd both finished, even after their most lust-driven intimacies; snuggling up and pressing soft kisses to the parts he hadn't paid enough attention to in their lovemaking. But there was nothing sweet and tender about the encounter they'd just had. It was raw and passionate for a different reason. He'd moved to his side now and his back was to her when she reached out to place a hand on his shoulder, "Talk to me." She'd said; her voice so quiet that she wasn't even sure she'd said it out loud until he'd rolled back to look at her again.

"Nothing to say…" He sighed and when she refused to look away or let him get away with only saying that; he offered just a little bit more. "I should've made more of an effort to reach out to him…I gave him my card, but that meant he needed to reach out to me. I should've…gotten his number called the kid for some coffee...I could tell he needed someone to talk to. He didn't have people in his life who understood…" The guilt was so etched into his face that it broke Erin's heart. She knew that this wasn't on Jay but she knew even better that nothing she could say would have him believe that. "He wanted to be police…I could've followed up on it…put in a good word…offered to train him for the PT test…" He sighed and shook his head; the anger he'd managed to bury while losing himself in her moans and kisses was threatening to bubble up now. His form visibly stiffened when he spoke again; "I said I don't want to talk about Erin." He added and then, he'd turned his back to her again. She knew this time; he had no intention of turning to face her again.

She also knew better than to push him when he wasn't ready. She _knew_ what would've happened if he did that to her; so she decided not to press him, not yet at least. She'd give him a little more time to process and come to her before taking further action of her own. "I love you…" She offered softly, moving to kiss the back of his shoulder timidly.

"I love you, too." He'd replied quietly. It was enough to let her know that he was still there and still _hers_ ; that could be enough for her right now. She could give him the space he so clearly needed right now, even if she didn't necessarily think it was best for him. Sometimes, you couldn't convince a person that what they needed was what was best for them. She knew that firsthand and all too well.

"I'm gonna go clean up the kitchen…you sure you aren't hungry?" She asked, rising from the bed and grabbing some of the clothes that had been discarded so haphazardly earlier.

"Yes," Was the only response he'd supply as he stayed there, back to her, eyes narrowed at the wall in misplaced anger.

Reluctantly, she padded out of their room after she'd slipped his shirt on. Her stomach growled at the sight of the food and she fixed herself a taco and ate it standing over the sink before putting the rest of the forgotten meal into various Tupperware, rearranging some things in the fridge to get it all to fit. It was only 9:30, so she wasn't tired yet. She'd gone in to check on him after she'd finished in the kitchen and he was either really good at faking it, or he'd fallen asleep. She decided that either way, she didn't want t disturb him, so she'd taken up residence on the couch to watch some mindless shows on TV to tire her out before she'd crawled into bed with him an hour later. She was more than pleased when she felt his hand come protectively over her waist after she'd lain down.

Two hours passed before they were startled awake by the sound of a car backfiring on the street outside their place. The noise had caused him to shoot up stark straight on the immediate defense and it wasn't until he'd felt her reassuring touch and soft reminder of what the sound was before he'd felt the tension leave his shoulders.

He felt her snuggle back up against his side and then fall asleep moments later. He wished that her peaceful form could be enough security to allow him to fall into comfortable slumber, but it wasn't. That sound had brought him right back to his time in Korengal Valley and the nightmares from that time and the memories of kids just like Austin Birdman were swarming his mind now. The countless fallen friends left behind, the innumerable amount of brothers who had gone out there and though they'd come back with him… _just_ like him, they had left some part of themselves there too. Sleep finally found him after an hour of torturous memories flooding his mind; but the sleep wasn't an escape from the memories, it only made them more vivid in the form of a nightmare.

It was nearly 3AM when Erin had been stirred awake by the whimpers she heard coming from him. She sat up and said his name softly, but he didn't seem to register her voice. His back was to her again now and once her eyes had taken a moment to adjust to the relative darkness of their bedroom, she could see the tension once again wrought into his muscular form. "Jay…" She articulated his name for a second time, a little louder now. Still, her prompting had drawn no reaction from her lover. She studied him in careful contemplation for a moment as she decided what her next move might be. His shoulders twitched slightly and she knew then that he was lost in some nightmare plagued sleep, just like the kind he'd woken her from several times in the wake of her accident this past few weeks. How sad that just as the nightmares had stopped for her, they'd come for them.

Just like he had done for her so many times in the past few weeks, she reached out to grab his shoulder gently and shake him soothingly awake, ending the nightmare to give him reprieve. When he did it to her, she'd startle awake and once her eyes had opened the nightmare would be gone. Then, he'd hold her close until she fell asleep safe against him, the beating of his heart matching her own becoming her lullaby.

That's what she'd intended to do for him but as soon as her hand had touched his shoulder, it had been interpreted as a move of threat not comfort. In his sleepy state he hadn't had time to think or process that it must've been her reaching for him and not some impending danger; his elbow had slammed back to throw her off of him. It wouldn't have hurt as much if she hadn't been wounded in the exact spot his elbow had made contact with. That was the only reason that the movement had elicited a terrified gasp to fall from her lips. That noise had brought him instantly back to reality and he turned to look at her in horror as she recoiled away from him, her hand moving to grasp the place where he'd just _hit_ her. "Erin! Oh my god…I'm so sorry…" He was rising from the bed now in panic.

"It was an accident!" She was saying quickly, hoping from the bed as well to stand in front of him, attempting to place a reassuring hand on his chest but he side stepped her; he couldn't allow her to offer him comfort right now, not after what he'd just done.

"This is exactly while I left Erin…the PTSD it… I can't separate the nightmares and I _hurt_ you. I can't be here…" He stopped only to grab a discarded sweatshirt from the foot of the bed and then he was tearing down the hallway.

"Jay…wait!" She was yelling now, her voice desperate to stop him. Clad in only his faded blue v-neck and a pair of panties she was in no shape to chase after him as he'd flung the door open and just….left. She stood there in stunned silence, willing the door to open again and have him reappear. There was no time to go after him, by the time she'd have gotten clothes on, he would be long gone. It was with this knowledge that instead of dressing to go after him, she had gone to get her phone to call him; the next best thing. She was sorely disappointed to hear his familiar ring tone emanating from the spot where he always left his phone by the bed while they slept. He was gone and she couldn't even contact him. How many times had she put him through his before though?

She didn't know it was possible to be simultaneously so pissed at someone and also so understanding of what they were going through. How could he just leave, without his phone, when he knew what those kinds of actions could do to her? But then, didn't he have the right to be a little selfish right now? It was these and other questions that had plagued her mind past the point of being able to go to sleep so she'd taken up residence on the couch again. Some late-night trash programing was on when she heard the door again. She fought the urge to jump off the couch and go confront him at the door. Even if her first move would've been to pull him in to a hug, she knew she needed to let him come to her.

The sound of the tv and the blue light it cast down the entrance way told him she was in the living room. He felt bad knowing she hadn't gone back to sleep once he'd left and for the first time since he'd stepped out the door he realized just how much his actions might have impacted her. He scolded himself for being so selfish. Part of him, the same cowardly part that had sent him out the door earlier, had wanted to just slink off to their bedroom and avoid dealing with the situation he'd created by leaving but he knew he loved and respected her too much to do that and somehow his feet had walked him down that short hallway until he was standing in front of her. "I'm glad you're back." Was all she said after they'd taken a moment to regard each other in silence reverence.

Her statement was simple and had no malice to it whatsoever, but it still cut him deep. He'd left without warning and here she was waiting up for him and instead of lashing out at him with anger he certainly deserved, she'd just said she was happy to have him home. For some reason, instead of making him relieved, it made him more upset. "Don't…" He said, more annoyance in his voice then he'd intended. In spite of himself, he sat down next to her on the couch.

"So… it's your turn to lash out….I can take it. Think of all the times you've done it for me." She offered gently and her words had meant to bring him comfort but they only seemed to poke at the part of him that was angry and even though his anger wasn't at her, it was a tempting offer. He'd warned her about how grief had often found him misplacing his anger; it was one of the commonalities they wished they didn't share.

"I don't need a verbal punching bag when I'm going through shit the way you do…" His words seemed to convey the opposite meaning to what they actually said and she had to fight to roll her eyes at him to exemplify this point, instead she just cast him a hurt look. He regretted the words as soon as they left his lips and even blinded by anger, he couldn't stand taking things out on her. He sighed, mostly out of frustration with himself for doing this to her. Why was he still being a dick? "I'm sorry I left…" He started sincerely but the darkness wasn't ready to let go of him yet and with that; he was standing up, "Now go to bed Erin…I'm gonna sleep out here and I'm tired."

"No, sorry this isn't how this works, Jay. You left, I did you a solid I didn't follow you and I gave you your space but now…now I'm calling _letters_ on this one. You like to throw words and confessions from my letter in my face so now it's your turn!" She was biting back now, clearly her gentle approach wasn't going to work; she needed to be more forceful.

"You can't call 'letters' on this Erin…it's not the fucking same okay? You don't get it… a kid died…. _another_ kid… _a lot of kids_ died over there and I didn't do ANYTHING to help any of them. I looked out for me, every fucking time…" He hadn't intended to explain any of this to her so he stopped himself. He wanted to let the darkness take over this time, he didn't need her reaching in to pull him out.

"You saved me." She countered, her voice was angrier than she'd wanted it but she needed to get through to him. "You put me first _all_ the time Jay…"

"Just stop! You can't change the fact that I am responsible for all of this…on some level…" He was going to say more but she wouldn't let him. Her eyes had grown incredulous as she interrupted him.

"Did you sign these kids up for the army Jay? Did you personally put them in harms way? Did you?" His silence prompted her to continue. "Exactly…no you didn't. You know what though? I got Nadia that job at the district. I pushed her to follow in my footsteps and she didn't just die….she didn't take her life…she got murdered. Because of me! Because of what _I_ did. So don't sit here and tell me how I don't get feeling responsible for a kid dying because let's face it if we are in a contest for that title; then _I_ fucking win…" Her words had more fury to them than she'd meant them to and she hadn't intended on lashing out but it was the first time she saw his features soften since he'd woken from that nightmare and run away. She still took a moment to collect herself before she spoke again. He was staring at the floor, she realized, but she moved cautiously towards him, relieved when he allowed her to reach for and then grab on to his elbows, before moving her hands up to rest on his biceps where they sat snuggly crossed across his chest in a way to seemingly shield himself from what was transpiring around them right now.

"I _hit_ you." He said quietly still looking at the ground.

"You were asleep, I startled you from a nightmare, you reacted accordingly. It was an _accident_. We both know that. And I'm fine, it barely even hurt." She replied calmly; and everything she said was the truth, but of course he couldn't see it that way.

"It barely hurt?" His eyes were full of angry disbelief as he finally looked up from the floor that had held his attention for the better part of their conversation. "I heard you…that sound you made…you were _terrified_!" He said, looking in to her eyes, daring her to lie and say that wasn't true.

"I was startled," She amended his testimony of the event but gave in to the fact that it had in fact taken her off guard, "It was my bad arm Jay…that's the only reason I reacted like that…you barely touched me, I swear. I wasn't scared of _you._ I'm not scared of you right now… I _love_ you." She whispered and she dared to step closer to him now, her hands moving to tug at his forearms and lower them to his sides. Hesitantly, he let her do just that and then her arms were folding around his waist as tightly as she could; her head coming to rest against his chest where she could hear the still too fast sound of his quickened heartbeat.

He didn't say anything, just stood there rigid at first before he could fight the urge no longer and he'd given in to the comfort and relief she offered with that strong embrace. He'd been about to speak when she beat him to it; "If you won't let me call letters on this then I'm totally calling engagement ring." She whispered and even though he didn't want them to, because he knew he didn't deserve her making him feel happy, those words had garnered a smile from him.

His hands finally came around her shoulders and as he took in the faint smell of her lavender coconut shampoo, his heart rate finally slowed and his words were heavy with emotion when he finally managed to speak. "I'm so sorry, babe."

"It's okay, I told you. There is nothing to apologize for…" She nuzzled her face up to his neck, kissing the soft stubble there, in a physical offering as evidence of her words.

"I do though…I shouldn't have left…especially without my phone. You didn't know where I was and what I was doing and I know that probably tore you up…" He sighed and his hands moved up to her hair and got tangled there before her head was moving back so she was looking at him now, though still entwined tightly into his arms. "I was only thinking about myself…"

"Fair enough. That was pretty shitty of you…" She conceded with a small smile, offering to lighten the intense atmosphere that had almost managed to suffocate them both in the moments before. "You get a few free passes to be an ass though. At least three for all I've put you through in the past…I think this one technically counts for two though so…you have one left." She winked and her lips were finding his gently at first and then her tongue was seeking his, as a way to convey those last unsaid words that would finalize the conversation.

"You need to get some sleep…if we lay down now maybe we get an hour before we have to head in…I'll brew us a strong pot of coffee and we'll power through with red bulls for lunch?" She offered, her hands moving to find his again, their fingers lacing together softly.

"Thank you…" He muttered into her forehead pressing a kiss there to emphasize his adoration. He didn't need to say anything more to convey what he was thanking her for, she knew. She could be a good man in a storm, just like he had been for her time and again.

He'd let her lead them to their room again and soon they were situating themselves into their familiar puzzle piece-like fit under the covers. "I…I just sat in my car all that time by the way…I didn't go anywhere. I used to have those nightmares all the time when I first got back… I didn't know how to deal with them other than with …drowning myself until I forgot but…you don't do that to your future wife…so I didn't head down to the bar like I was so naturally inclined. I just…sat in the car…listening to music…pretending you were sitting there humming along to it until I'd calmed down enough to come up here…and face you. I was hoping you'd be asleep and I could have hidden out on the couch a little longer but even as I walked back up the stairs I knew you'd be waiting…"

"That's what you do…for your future husband." Her whispered words fell softly from her lips to land on his in a proverbial kiss. His face buried into her chest now and he finally allowed himself to feel the comfort and relief that her love had been offering all along. It was in that tenderness he found that the nightmares he was sure would resume the instant he found sleep, wouldn't come for him again tonight.


	14. Chapter 14

It was with an exhausted air about her that she'd stumbled out of bed and into their bathroom later that morning. Her alarm had gone off _way_ too soon after they'd fallen back to sleep just before dawn. Determined to let him rest just a little longer before forcing him out of bed, she'd slipped the phone under her pillow to muffle the sound and then hit snooze just after the familiar notes of her alarm had started to melodiously sound from her phone's speaker. Relieved that she had in fact managed to save him from being stirred from sleep just yet, she moved tentatively to rise from the bed. She couldn't waste her save with the alarm clock on her weight shifting the mattress being what woke him. After a second success at removing herself from the bed, she made a plan of attack for the morning. She'd get a cold shower to wake her up and then set to work on that strong pot of coffee she'd promised. _Then_ she'd stir him from his sleep with soft kisses and affectionate touches that would hopefully keep him from falling into darkness again today.

It was the tired weariness in her eyes that had her fingers fumbling about the wall of the bathroom for the light switch before resigning herself to use the bathroom in the dark instead; less chance of waking him up that way anyhow. It was because of that decision that she'd managed to kick over the half empty box of tampons that sat next to the toilet, spilling them onto the floor. "Shit..." She muttered and it wasn't until she was bent down to gather them back into their rightful place that she'd realized it had been quite some time since she'd last used one.

After some quick mental math (as quick as your brain can be after a sleepless night that is) a look of horror passed her eyes. She was _late_. Almost _two whole weeks_ late actually, if her tired mind had done the computations correctly, that was. Her eyes cast back to her fiancé's sleeping form and he looked so lost in the solace of much needed slumber, that she couldn't bare to wake him to news she wasn't even sure was actual _news_ yet.

A million what ifs had poured into her head but they'd been promptly shoved out of her brain by the loud voices of anxiety and self-doubt that always made their opinions known to her in a state of crisis. _You're not in any shape to be a mother. You are too much like your_ _own_ _mother. You two have insane jobs with crazy schedules. What, are you just going to get a nanny? So you'll just have someone else raise your kid for you like Bunny did to you? You ARE just like her. Does this mean you have to leave the unit? What would Hank say? What if some criminal from your past tries to kidnap your baby? What if something happened to Jay and YOU ware left alone to screw this all up by yourself?_

She had to do _something_ to stop the stream of questions firing off of the synapses in her brain. She moved in front of the sink, turned the water on to the coldest setting, and then splashed it into her face a few times. The shock of the freezing liquid hitting her warm, sleepy face was enough to interrupt those rapid-fire questions and bring them to a temporary stay. She needed to take a test before she freaked out like this. Then, she could decide if freaking out was even in order before her anxieties had sent her into an exhaustively fruitless panic attack.

So, she'd shimmed herself into a pair of black jeans and thrown on a white boat neck shirt before leaving their place quietly, hoping that by the time she made it back from the corner store a few paces down their block, he'd still be sleeping. The trip took almost no time at all, even on foot, and as she was reaching for the door handle to walk back into the apartment with a double pack of pregnancy tests, she found him there opening it before she even had the chance to twist it. "Where were you?" He asked; concern wrought into his face again.

"I…" She wasn't sure why the first mode she wanted to resort to was lying. She wasn't some teenager breaking curfew and needing to cover her bases. She was an adult going through an adult crisis, with her adult fiancé - he was just as much a part of as she was. He didn't deserve her beating around the bush; she owed him honesty. "I'm late…. I went to get…these…." She managed and then she was brandishing the small brown paper bag that carried the answer to the question that had plagued her since that first moment of realization she was late that had occurred less than half an hour ago.

Recognition passed over his face at her words and she was surprised to see no panic or fear written into his face. Only a small amount of excited anticipation and maybe nervousness seemed alit in those gorgeous eyes of his now. "What? I… that's… okay…" He wasn't sure how to react yet and the un-readability of her face made it that much harder. "Okay…we take the test then…" He said, reaching for her hand. "And we're okay _no matter what_ …"

It was with that exchange that the episode that had unfolded in the previous hours seemed like a distant memory.

Erin couldn't speak; she could only swallow hard. Truth told; this was not her first time being late and having to take a pregnancy test. Although those other times the idea of the stick showing a positive sign had been an unbearable burden for her teenaged mind. Now, as she crushed the box tightly in her fist as she headed to the bathroom, she wasn't quite sure exactly what she hoped would appear in that small window. Admitting that to herself had been a feat in itself.

Jay was following her to the bathroom and she turned to stop him. "You are not watching me piss on this thing…I'll call you when I'm done and we'll wait together…. I think it's like three minutes or…" She shook her head and shoved the box of tests against his chest. He was more concerned with formalities than she was. As expected, he went to work reading the directions and soon enough he was peeling open the small pouch and handing the testing stick to her, with slightly shaky hands.

"No matter what, it's _okay_ …. we're good." He said, kissing her forehead for reassurance. It seemed like a lame thing to repeat once again, and there was a lot he wanted to say to offer her support but he figured that what she needed now was some quiet time to think and process. Besides, until they knew what it said, there was no use discussing hypotheticals.

"I…f _uck_ I haven't been taking my birth control as religiously as I should…especially when you were at Will's…. and it ran out… I hadn't gotten a refill until like a week after we'd gotten…" Saying 'back together' _still_ felt wrong so she just skipped over it. "Then after the accident I just…forgot…" She sighed and shook her head, "…not to mention we have had _ridiculous_ amounts of sex lately…"Even though it shouldn't, her last remark still elicited small smiles from them both. She gnawed at her lip, dissolving that grin. There was a real possibility that this was happening to them and she honestly had no idea how to feel, but she knew it wasn't something they should take lightly. Jay had opened his mouth to speak but she wasn't sure she'd really want to hear the pacifying and logical things he was probably going to say. So she'd shook her head and that silent communication was enough to get him to back off. No use delaying the process anymore, Erin moved into the bathroom and closed the door.

A nervous bladder from the weight of what going might reveal had made it five long minutes before she'd actually peed on that stick. After recapping it, she'd set it on the counter, and then opened the door to find him there waiting to pull her into his arms. It felt like she'd held her breath that entire time. Jay was content to be her strong and silent support; he found the role of savior so much more natural then being the one in distress.

Although his nerves were bubbling up, he knew without a doubt what he wanted that test to say. As soon as she'd disappeared behind that door he'd had visions of a smaller version of him in a hockey uniform. It was imagining a mini version of her; wavy haired and dimpled, that had really sunken his heart. He'd imagined something else about that little girl that had solidified in his mind that he wasn't just ready for this; he _wanted_ it... he already had the _perfect_ name in mind. He was hoping for a positive. Even though the thought of kids hadn't really been a topic they'd discussed or even something he'd considered for himself in the past; now that this situation had arisen, it was without a doubt in his mind that this was exactly what he'd wanted their future to hold.

When she'd reopened the bathroom door, the timer was already ticking down on her phone screen as she shoved it towards him. Then, she'd rested her head against his chest as the silent torture of those excruciatingly long three minutes seemed to tick by in slow motion (maybe even in reverse!). As he studied the tension in her shoulders, her stress was obvious; this wasn't something she was ready to handle yet. He felt instantly guilty for hoping she was pregnant without learning her feelings on it first. In his newfound excitement, he had taken no time to consider all the fears and thoughts she'd be feeling over this uncertainty. No doubt she'd already considered how this would effect her position in intelligence, because that was how she worked. He imagined then all the terrible thoughts she must've had when she first considered that she was late. What ugly things had depression and anxiety tortured her with already?

Finally the timer was sounding off and they both hesitated a moment before she was moving back towards the counter, Jay close on her heels, to read the results on that fateful stick. She'd set it face down, only adding an extra torturous step of turning it over before they'd know and it wasn't until her eyes fell on that little window screen that she truly realized what she was hoping it would say. "Negative…" She whispered quietly and then her eyes were welling with tears that she didn't even try to keep from bursting.

Jay wasn't sure if those tears were rooted in sadness or relief, at first. But, as she'd turned around and slumped against him with those guttural sobs; he could sense her disappointment. This reaction was something neither of them had anticipated from her. He'd foreseen her letting out a deep sigh of relief and some remark about them dodging a bullet. But the sarcasm didn't come and instead she just cried; hard, loud, and devoid of inhibitions. She'd made absolutely no attempt to conceal those sobs as they shook her entire being. "I…" She was too consumed by tears to finish speaking just yet. A few more ragged breaths were taken before she could finish. "I guess I wanted it to be positive…" She finally choked out.

His head was buried into her neck before he replied. "Me too…" With that soft tenderness in his words, her resolve was depleted again and her shoulders shook with silent tears of disappointment. Somehow, knowing he'd wanted to see that plus sign materialize too made it that much worse that it hadn't appeared.

He'd gathered her into his arms to let her cry it out. There was nothing to say right now that could ease this ache. This was a pain she wasn't even remotely prepared to feel. No words could change that, or make it better. Some sadness can _only_ be fixed by letting yourself have a good cry.

As the tears slowed to a trickle down her face she finally moved to look at him. "I…I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me…I should be relieved but…" She couldn't continue, the tears were threatening again and she was already too tired to let those tortured sobs eat up any more of her energy.

"No sorry needed, not even a little bit….I get it. I really do, babe."" Was all he could say and as she stared into those loving eyes, rimmed with redness now, she found that he truly did. He could sense that she didn't want to talk about it, not yet. Hell, he was sure that even if she'd wanted to, the words wouldn't have been allowed out of her mouth.

The numbness was taking over. He could see that far away look threatening to cloud her vision and he knew he had to stop the darkness before it had a chance to really come. Wordlessly, he'd led her to the shower and he'd carefully taken off the articles of clothing she'd rushed into earlier, before helping her step into the tub. The hot stream of water could wash away at least some of her sadness, of that he was sure. She'd grabbed his arm and tugged at it, asking him to join her. He'd quickly undressed and hopped in, moving behind her to wrap is arms around her.

Though it was the _least_ sexy shower they'd ever taken together; it might've been the _most_ romantic. She'd just stood there in the stream of steaming water, letting it cascade over her as tears came again though this time they were in a steady silent waterfall and not accompanied by the violent shaking of her shoulders. He'd pulled her away from the water after a bit, taking the time to carefully massage shampoo and conditioner respectively into her hair with absolute tenderness in his actions. There was nothing vulgar about the way he'd trailed the soap over her bare skin so intimately and sensitively, taking special care to place soft kisses to the spots where the water had washed the soap away when he'd finished. He'd quickly done the same for himself and then he was shutting off the water and wrapping her in a large, fluffy towel.

When the cool contrasting air of their apartment mixed with the warmth the water had left on her skin she'd finally taken that final ragged breath that would be her last evidence of crying for the morning. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Let's…" She couldn't be so dismissive of him, after the way he'd handled her so sweetly. "Thank you…for being you." She leaned up on her tiptoes and pressed a kiss she hoped would convey the amount of adoration she felt for him, particularly in this moment, to his lips. "Let's finish getting ready and…I think I'll be ready to discuss this…later." She kissed his cheek and then moved to wring her hair out. "Just…let me bring it up… and whatever you do don't mention anything at work…"

Ignoring the fact she'd basically implied he was completely daft with those last couple statements, he moved to kiss her once more; hoping to convey a similar message to hers with his passionate kiss, then he'd left the bathroom to finish getting ready. It was actually him who'd brew them that strong pot of coffee to survive work on their limited sleep, an even bigger monster now that it was combined with this stress.

She'd blow-dried her hair and gotten dressed in the clothes he'd so lovingly taken off of her that morning and taken a little added time applying extra make up to hide the dark circles they both knew weren't just from their relatively sleepless night. They'd ridden wordlessly to the district, though his hand had rested reassuringly on her thigh the whole way and they'd shared several soft and tender kisses before forcing themselves from the car and up to the bullpen.

Work had been a better distraction for her than for him. He'd been pretty focused on worrying about her and it was eating him alive. Outwardly, she seemed completely fine. She was good at putting on an act for people; even Hank hadn't seemed to sense that something was up with her. He could only imagine the way her mind was trying to break her down in a silent war waged under her skin. He wanted to ask her how she was holding up at lunch, but he was sure that would backfire, so he'd stuck to an embarrassing story about Will, because those always seemed to cheer her up. It worked, or, she pretended it did at least.

She'd been happy to find that their latest case involved only adult males. She'd filled herself with anxiety on the way over that this new case would involve babies or pregnant women and she wasn't sure she could've handled it. Instead, they were investigating two G-Park Lords that had escaped police custody during a routine prisoner transfer. She'd been partnered with Atwater for the first time in awhile. She felt a little guilty for being relieved that she hadn't been saddled with riding around with Jay all morning; it would've made it harder to power through without letting her emotions get the best of her. She and Kev had gone to the hospital to interview the only guard who'd been escorting the two gangbangers that had survived the ambush. With the better part of her morning spent at Med, she had little time to think about anything outside of the case and she was extremely thankful for that.

After lunch; most of their time had been devoted to securing the proper warrants for places Ruzek and Halstead had been tipped off on by a CI that was a low level member of the G-Park Lords about where the two escaped convicts might be.

Lindsay and Atwater had been following up on some of the info they'd gotten from that guard about some of the assailants features, so they could try to figure out which of the notorious gang's heavy hitters had been involved in the ambush. She and Kevin had been trying to figure out how Mouse used to search through the database for tattoo descriptions. It had mostly ended with them bothering Hank about why he hadn't found them a new tech guy yet. Surprisingly, it had been everyone's favorite lovable idiot, Ruzek, who had figured out how to run the search for the tattoos the guard had seen peeking out from under the bike helmets the accosters had worn during their attack of the police escort vehicle. His help had yielded the names of two of the six men who'd taken part in the morning's festivities.

When they were finally heading home later that night, Jay was doing his best to make small talk about what they should get for dinner that night.; "I'm thinking we get that Indian place you like…we haven't gone in awhile. Oh wait…we never ate those tacos you made last-"

"We weren't exactly not trying..." She'd interrupted him with her words out of nowhere. She was ready to talk now so she figured she should just start before she lost her nerve and her fear of being vulnerable had kept her from sharing. Jay had no problem shutting up. Truthfully he'd only been babbling about dinner to fill the silence so it hadn't felt uncomfortable.

Moreover, Erin had been too busy staring into space and gathering her courage to even be paying attention to what her fiancé had been rambling about. "Like…when is the last time you even put on…much less bought condoms?" She turned from where she'd been staring out the window and looked at him as they approached a red light. "I don't think I've found a discarded golden wrapper on my floor in over a year…" The conversation was starting off light, rife with their usual playfulness. It seemed to be a logical way to ease into the deep stuff.

"I believe the no condom thing was started by _you_ insisting that your birth control was super effective and how much better it felt without them…for the record. I didn't just like…stop wearing them like some asshole…" His worry over her had made him slightly defensive instead of completely mischievous. "Not to mention that when you have to buy magnum XL they are even more expensive…" He winked, letting himself match her lightheartedness.

"It wasn't an accusation, relax!" She actually giggled at that though, and it put them both slightly more at ease. "I just meant…" She grew more serious now, "…maybe we were both hoping it was positive because we've… subconsciously wanted it to happen?" She offered quietly.

"Psychoanalyzing us, I see." He grinned and reached over to grab her hand. "That actually makes a lot of sense babe…" He nodded and started to drive again once the light had changed. "I…it's weird… I never really saw myself having kids but when you said you were late…it stirred something inside of me. I do want kids…with you. Because our kids…they'd be fucking awesome." His grin spread wider at that admission.

"I guess I've always just assumed I'd be a terrible mother because Bunny is but…"

It was his turn to interrupt her now; "You could _never_ be like her Erin-"

"I know." She'd cut in again. "Because I have you." She added tenderly, leaning over to steal a kiss.

"No…because you're amazing. You're selfless… and you have this huge, incredible heart that - even though it's been _so_ broken and tattered - still finds room for the people who need your love the most. You…you will be an _amazing_ mother."

Those words brought tears to her eyes, but this time they weren't because she was miserable and dejected. She was truly touched by the raw honesty of that confession; he hadn't had time to construct that response, it was just…real. She'd almost forgotten the way he'd seen her; his vision of her was _so_ beautiful, she needed to take in that view more often. "Jay…" She moved to squeeze his leg. "That…you're amazing for saying that…" She let out a contented sigh. "You are the bravest man I have ever met…you make me feel so safe and secure…I've never had that. Even with Hank…he has certain volatilities about him that can make you feel…" She shrugged. "You're my home." She stated simply, as if that were the most obvious thing she'd ever articulated out loud. "I never thought I'd want kids…. but then…I let Atwater drive this morning and…" His eyes went wide at that and she laughed heartily again, "I know, I know.." She giggled recalling the _girlish_ way Kevin had squealed when she'd tossed him the keys to the Sierra. Jay was about to protest how unfair it was she'd let Kevin drive when he'd had done his time forever before she'd given him that privilege, but he was distracted from that idea by her talking more seriously again.. "Focus!" She'd scolded them both before continuing, "…I imagined this little person that was the best parts of us and… _they would be amazing_."

"They would be _ridiculously_ amazing." He agreed, and then they'd fallen into a comfortable silence, fingers lacing the rest of the ride until he was parallel parking in front of their building.

As he shut off the car, she spoke again. "Probably better for us to be married and me have some semblance of a plan for how I could not only stay on intelligence while pregnant but…how maternity leave would work and how we'd go about finding a nanny or having one of us stay home…" He smirked at the clear thought in her words, especially at her last phrasing. "What, you could be a stay at home dad…" She smiled over at him as well.

"Totally an option." He agreed, "And…you're right. Those are all very logical ways of looking at this…." His brows knit together in playful, mock concern. "…What've you done with Erin, body snatcher!" He teased her as he got out of the car and moved quickly to avoid being hit by her. He was at her side just as she'd opened her own door. "Kidding, kidding. I think those are brilliant suggestions. All stuff we should definitely start looking into…" He trailed off and she could tell he was thinking about something else entirely then the words he was actually speaking out loud. When she took a moment to really study his eyes, she found some hidden thought there, plaguing him. She was immediately obsessed with finding out what it was.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked, searching his face for an answer.

"Ah…nothing…just…I don't know. Just this thought I had this morning when I …" He shrugged. "When we weren't sure what the test would say… I was having all these random ideas about if we had a kid…"

"Tell me some of them…" She implored as she shut the door and he locked the car before heading upstairs together.

"Yeah?" His face was a tinted pink with embarrassment but he figured the least he could do was humor her. "I guess I was envisioning myself like coaching a little hockey team if we had a boy…" He slid the keys into the lock. But he knew that wasn't the memory he'd been drawing to mind outside the car when she'd asked. He had to fight the urge to keep _that_ thought a secret. She'd fought her inclinations and been pretty upfront with him, he owed her the same respect. "That's…I mean I did think about that but that's not what…." He sighed as they walked in. Something about being _home_ made him feel better saying it now. "I was thinking…if we ever had a little girl we should name her…. _Nadia_." There was tightness in his chest when he said those words.

"That's…" Her eyes sprung with salty tears once again, but as she kissed him gently he could sense some joy in them; she thought it was a brilliant idea. " _Perfect."_ She finally finished.


	15. Chapter 15

Erin was _beyond_ relieved to not be pregnant two days later. They'd been on a raid to find those two escaped convicts when it had _really_ sunk in just how much would need to change if she was even _considering_ having a baby in the near future. It was a routine building sweep; there were several dilapidated and abandoned apartment buildings that could be housing the men. They'd both grown up in these projects before they'd been condemned; it seemed like a natural place for at least one of them to return in a time of desperate need. At five floors each, it would be no small feat to search through all those apartment buildings and they would need to move fast and swift to avoid getting made and giving the men a chance to flee.

They'd broken down in to teams of three to clear them all – divide and conquer was the only way to get to them all in a reasonable amount of time. Adding patrol to do the sweeps would have just added too much noise and attention to a job that needed to be done covertly to yield any positive results. Lindsay, Ruzek and, Halstead formed one group; Voight, Olinsky, and Atwater composed the other.

They'd already cleared all but three of the buildings when it had happened. Maybe it was because they'd been a little less vigilant, opting to work to clear the floors faster by taking an apartment each instead of going in together and breaking off room to room for the last couple buildings; after all, it appeared their guys weren't even here at this point. They'd already wasted enough time on this seemingly fruitless endeavor.

She'd been the first to finish clearing the family style apartments on the first floor, so she'd gone up to start on the second knowing that Jay and Adam had just entered the last two down there, and with three rooms to search a piece, they'd be finished shortly and would be joining her on the next floor any moment.

It was when she'd passed through the archway of apartment 7201 C that she'd found one of the two escapees.

She could tell by the bear paw print tattoos peeking from the top of his white tee that he must be Brian 'Oso' Ortiz. Oso, Spanish for bear, seemed to be a fitting nickname for the stout convict; who couldn't have been more than a couple inches taller than she was, but he was certainly much heavier, and flanked in a brown jacket. She knew from his dossier that he was only 25 but he looked much older than that with the stresses of growing up on the streets and landing himself in prison for a double homicide conviction; leading into a life on the run; all of which had aged him significantly. The scar above his left eye twitched as he pointed a 9MM Smith & Wesson at her sideways after she'd pushed in the door in. "Chicago PD, drop the gun!" Her voice was laced with false confidence but she drew her gun up expertly to train it on him in return, taking a strong stance there in front of him, staying as far back towards the doors as she could. "Come on man, one of us has a vest on, and it isn't you… drop it!" She'd added, when he'd persisted there with a menacing look in his eyes. It wasn't until she heard the sound of another gun cocking that she felt her emboldened façade falter slightly.

" _You_ drop it…or lil' bro here will blow you away." Oso had responded, even daring to take a few steps closer to her. She'd moved back when he did that, getting closer to the door in case this went South and she needed an exit, it was a move she hoped would make it harder for _either_ of her would-be shooters to pose any real threat to her. Movement downstairs made it known to her, but thankfully not these boys, that both of her partners had heard her call out to someone that _clearly_ wasn't either of them and they were springing into action to come to her aide.

"Stop now or I WILL shoot." She glared still at the older boy, her voice booming; and he did stop, he wasn't _that_ bold. Though she kept her gun trained on him, her eyes shifted slightly to assess the presence she was now aware of in her peripheral. He couldn't have been more than 12 and his arms were obviously shaking; but he had this dead look in her eyes that simultaneously broke her heart _and_ made her fear for her life. She couldn't show that though. This _child_ was pointing a Cobra, semiautomatic weapon at her. She needed to command the situation, reaching for her Taser deftly.

This entire exchange had taken place in mere minutes, and almost as quickly, Jay and Adam were joining her; both of them sprinting wildly up the stairs as soon as they'd heard her. As her backup had appeared, the once brazen boys were suddenly less so. Erin hadn't even had time to respond before _he_ was speaking up, no fear at all in his strong powerful voice. "Put the guns down, now. Neither of you will even get a shot off before two of us have landed our first between your eyes. Drop them!" Jay had spat, his long gun trained on the older boy's head.

The younger of the two had hesitated immediately and he'd dropped the gun almost before Jay had finished speaking, seeming to freeze there on the spot with Adam's weapon pointed at him. "Kick it to me and then turn around, hands up, face the wall!" Ruzek had commanded, and the young boy had promptly done just that. "Is anyone else here?" He demanded.

"No…sir…just us…. I swear." Taz replied quickly, obvious panic in his voice. At his age, he had probably been introduced into the gang _just_ before his brother had gotten picked up for that robbery gone wrong that would leave two wives without husbands and two sons without fathers. This kid didn't seem like he was really into the life, more just a young kid who hadn't seen his brother in two years. They'd read about him in Oso's file, he didn't even have a record yet but he did have a near perfect attendance record at the middle school where he was not only enrolled, but making honor roll. This wasn't some gangbanger there as protection, this was his kid brother. He'd probably never even fired that gun. How could anyone live with dragging a child into something like this? That thought made her distaste for Oso grow just that much more.

"Man Taz… you a real pussy. I should pop you just for that…" Oso had scoffed, his gun still raised and pointed at Erin, though with shakier hands now. With two guns aimed at him and the other at his little brother, she had to admit, he was holding up pretty well.

"How do you think this ends, man?" Erin asked, staring at him. "Just put down the gun before you get hurt."

"I know…soon' I put this gun down you gonna be haulin' me back to Statesville and I kind of think it'd be better to go down firing at the cops then go back to prison; ya feel me, mama? "

"I _promise_ you; you will be dead before you take an even halfway decent shot at any of us. Even if you do get one off, it'll likely hit my vest and then what… you die and all you've accomplished is making a female cop get a new Kevlar off the rack? Quite the legacy to sacrifice yourself for, Oso….this is your chance to make the smart play, don't make this go any farther…" Erin gave him another tepid warning.

Before Oso could come back with some idiotic remark, another voice came; "Come on bro, just put it down… you' the only family I got left." Taz was speaking up from the side of the room where he was obediently facing the wall as per Ruzek's instructions. His voice was heavy with emotion and even though he was facing away from them, you could tell he was crying by the shake of his small frame.

"Ain't NO kind of life rottin' in that prison lil' man…and I got a _double_ life sentence…" Oso's resolve was weakening now, and his eyes were welling with tears, even as he tried furiously to blink them away.

"This your little brother?" Erin asked, narrowing her eyes at him in disgust when he'd nodded his head to acknowledge that she was right about who Taz was to him. She'd already known the answer to that, of course, but she wanted to make Oso consider this fact. "You're going to sit here and make him watch you die? That's the last memory you're going to give him? When your mom was laying in the street after that drive by that ended her life… she didn't ask you to protect him from this kind of shit?" She questioned referencing more details from the dossier on him she'd practically memorized over the last few days; hoping to bait _some_ part of him that knew he owed his little brother better than _this_.

Those words seemed to finally reach him and at last, he was lowering and dropping his gun before sinking to his knees with arms stretched overhead, a mix of tears and snot now smearing his face. Erin was on the move in an instant kicking the gun behind her towards Jay before moving to cuff him.

Adam had done the same for his little brother and was walking him down the stairs as he called Voight to meet them outside, briefing him on the events that had unfolded in their less than ten minute 'stand off'.

Jay had grabbed Oso forcefully by the shoulders to lead him out of the room, leaving Erin as the last one in the apartment. She holstered her gun and took a few deep breaths to collect herself. Having two guns pointed at you by anyone, even people seemingly inexperienced, was enough to shake up even the toughest person. A bullet didn't know who was shooting it, it could kill just as easily for anyone who wielded a gun. Sometimes, finding yourself in a face off with someone untrained can be even more deadly.

It brought her back to that time… when she'd returned to work far too soon after Nadia's death when she'd dared a perp to shoot her in the head at point blank range. It was only now, as she'd come to be this stronger and braver version of herself, that she could see just how stupid those actions had been. That was the kind of thing her darkness had done to her in the past. She promised herself, as she surveyed that room, that she would never let herself be so overcome darkness again. Her life, her life _with_ Jay; it was too important to her now.

Her thoughts drifted to those two mornings ago when she'd realized how much she'd one day want to be a mother. It was very apparent to her now that this was not something she could just let _happen._ There were far too many risks with what she did every single day; today had been _more_ than enough proof of that. If she was going to seriously consider having a baby, it was going to be her most well researched and thought out plan of all time. Before she could put too much thought into it, she'd need to talk to Jay, so with that she'd resolved to pulling her nerves together so she could go out there before he got worried about why she'd stayed back so long. After collecting her thoughts and making sure she wasn't wearing a all of those thoughts on her face, she headed down the stairs to join the team.

"You good?" Jay asked, once she'd exited the building. He'd dumped Oso with Voight, who'd already had Atwater call for a patrol to come to their location and pick up the young men. Noticing she hadn't reappeared outside yet, he'd moved to go back in to get his love and see what was up, make sure she was okay. He'd been relieved when he'd finally seen her emerge before he had a chance to walk back inside.

"Yeah, I'm good." She promised, her hand coming up to tap fingers lightly against his vested chest, despite all that had just transpired when her eyes had fallen down to his thigh holster, her breath had caught in her throat. _Damn,_ he was sexy. She cleared her throat, and her mind, before navigating her thoughts back to a more appropriate topic of discussion given their current surroundings. "Not my favorite way to spend a Friday night…" She shook her head, "Thanks for covering my ass." She added, stealing a quick peck.

"It's my _favorite_ ass to cover." He'd grinned, patting her there gently to emphasize the point.

When her eyes had cast over to Hank's car to make sure he hadn't seen their brief unprofessional exchange, she'd noticed Taz leaned up against Hank's car, his face tear stained and terrified. Suddenly, her thoughts were on nothing but him and how or what she could do to help him. _Yes_ , even though he'd aimed a gun at her, all she had in her heart for him now was compassion. She could fully understand the need to look out for your family putting you into a situation you'd never intended to find yourself. How many times had she done terrible things in the name of protecting her mother? "The little brother… can't be more than what, 12?" She asked glumly.

"Tarquez Knight…Taz for short…I remember from the file. I think he's… 11." Jay sighed, shaking his head in her shared disappointment at this fact as he slung his arm around her shoulders and they headed back towards the rest of the team.

It wasn't long before patrol had shown up. While Oso would head back to the district to wait in a holding cell until prison transport could come to finally complete his transfer to Statesville, Erin had convinced Hank to let Taz get out of there since all he was _really_ guilty of was _loyalty_ to his brother. He'd cooperated and clearly hadn't wanted to shoot her. Hank said it was her call, since she was the one who'd had his gun pointed at her face.

She'd pulled Taz aside to explain how this was his one shot and then asked who his case worker was so she could follow up on him; warning him that if she ever heard about his name mixed up in any shady shit, she'd personally show up to arrest him. "Do you understand how stupid it is to aim a gun at a police officer?" She'd asked him at the end of her lecture, turning him around to relieve him of the cuffs.

"Yes ma'am." He'd nodded. Then, just as Hank had done for her all those years ago, she handed him her card. "If trouble keeps trying to find you even when you try not to let it…. and you need a way out, you know what to do."

Atwater came over to get him then, he and Adam would be driving him back to the group home he'd been missing from the past few days while he had been holed up with his brother instead of a patrolman. Kevin had said that he thought this kid could use some real _brotherly_ advice, so he had no problem stepping up. Erin had slipped him some cash to pick up some food for the kid who she guessed hadn't had a proper meal since linking up with the older boy. "I…I'm sorry…" He'd managed and then he was wrapping his arms tightly around her waist in a brief hug. She wrapped her arms gently around him as well and then, he was following Atwater to where Ruzek was waiting in their car.

Oso's fellow escapee, 38 year old heavy hitter Dalton 'Dizzy' Greene, was still at large so Hank was planning to hold him in the cage for awhile to see what he could get on Dizzy. He'd been the one the gang had really been rescuing during the ambush; Oso had merely gotten lucky to be in the same prison transport. Besides, the cage was where he belonged right now; you didn't get away with pointing a loaded gun at Erin Lindsay's forehead without learning first hand from Hank Voight why that was the stupidest decision you could ever make.

Since Voight had decided to take Al with him to pick apart Oso, he'd told the rest of the unit to head home after giving them all kudos for a job well done. "Team effort!" They'd all huzzah-ed, and then promptly headed out of the bullpen before Hank could change his mind, knowing he'd expect them at the district early tomorrow to discuss any info they got from Oso.

It was as though Jay was reading her mind when he spoke up on their commute home. "I have to admit… one of the first things I thought when I saw those guns aimed at you was… thank god that test was negative."

"Same…" She'd agreed, looking over at him. "Let's be a little more careful from now on… if we have a baby it needs to be planned out and not spontaneous… if I hadn't kicked that box of tampons I wouldn't have even realized I was late for who knows how long. We can't risk not knowing… okay? Especially when we find ourselves in situations like tonight…"

He nodded in complete agreement. "Definitely. There's just…too much at stake. It's a massive responsibility for you to bare, so we will do this on your terms, one hundred and fifty percent." He reached over for her hand and she took it in her own, pressing a kiss to the back of his palm. "Any time table in mind, though? I mean, just wondering…no rush!" Though his heart had been pretty set on the idea of starting a family; the reality of what that truly meant was finally sinking in for both of them now.

" I don't know… as much as I know _do_ want this someday, soon _ish_ … I'm not sure I'm ready to give this all up…" She motioned around the car and somehow he knew she meant being in intelligence, even just from that small motion. "Ask me where my head is at on it in…. six months… I'll have a better idea then."

"Guess we should stop and get some condoms?" He smirked, hoping to steer their conversation towards a lighter path.

"No, those are definitely _not_ making a comeback." She grinned back at him; "…you're going to have to get _creative_ …." She welcomed the playfulness; she didn't want this conversation to grow to serious and emotional. The night's events had taken enough out of her. "And… I will make an appointment to get the patch so that I don't have to worry about taking a pill every day and we'll still be covered." She added, moving to tug her hair down from the ponytail it had been in all day. "Because I have to be honest…when you wear that thigh holster…" She raised her eyes brows flirtatiously at him.

"Talk to me like that and I have half a mind to pull over this car…" He grinned suggestively.

Erin's phone vibrated in her lap, interrupting their indelicate banter; and she stared down at the text that had popped up from Adam. "Two guns pointed at the head = need to go to Molly's." She read the message out loud to Jay, amusement in her voice despite the ludicrous nature of that text. "Ruzek." She added, letting him know who'd sent that, though he probably would've guessed it anyway.

"What do you think?" Jay asked, tilting his head slightly to look over at her. Beers at Molly's with the guys _rarely_ won out over heading home to ravage Erin when she was in a mood like this, but he could make an exception. There was no reason he couldn't have both!

"One beer?" Her answer came after a moment's contemplation and it came out more as a question as she was looking at the clock display at the front of the car that said it was 9:15, why not? Jay had nodded in agreement and switched lanes so he could reroute them towards Molly's instead of towards home. She'd texted Adam to confirm they'd head that way.

One beer had turned into a pitcher for the table and they were sharing a few baskets of wings, fries, and other greasy bar food appetizers; and laughing together. "I'm serious, all you have to do is answer a couple questions and BAM you can become an ordained minister online. It takes like two seconds or something… I'm just saying, I will total marry you guys _and_ I'll cut you a deal on the price."

"Ooh…awkward…we still aren't even sure if we're going to invite you…" Erin teased and he gave her a look of mock hurt before they were both laughing again.

"You ever even step your foot in a church, Ruze? If anyone from the unit is going to marry these two, it should _obviously_ be the soulful black man, am I right? I'll hook you up with the friends and family discount…" Atwater had smiled.

"Definitely going to be _neither_ of you." Jay spoke up, bursting their bubbles as he clasped them both on the back and he an exchanged a silent look with his girl that communicated they were both ready to head out. "With that, gentleman, I believe we take our leave." He moved to place a hand on Erin's lower back as she finished hugging the guys and they said their goodbyes.

Their hands were laced as they walked back to the car. Jay had stopped after that one beer but Erin had around three so he'd taken the keys from her purse to drive them home. She'd accosted him at the driver's side to steal some lazy kisses; a reminder that even after the dark aspects of the nights raid, the world was still beautiful in the silver linings of the cloud they lived on when they lost themselves in their love. Those kisses were more sweet than sensual but it was still with great reluctance that he'd put them to an end and helped her into the car, opening her door like the gentleman he was.

They'd arrived home not too long after that and once they were sat on the couch comfortably after changing into pajamas, her feet in his lap as he worked his hands against them in a halfhearted massage, she spoke. "There are too many kids out there just like Taz. So _lost_ …. and because of that, they get pulled into shitty situations because they don't have anyone, they don't know anything better is out there for them…" She sighed grimly. "I think a lot about where I would've ended up if Hank hadn't… _saved_ me from Bunny. Think about where we found Teddy… " She shook her head. "Makes me wonder…why the fuck would anyone want to bring a kid into a world like that…" He wasn't sure where she was going with this, but he listened intently. "But then… I don't know… after we talked I guess I realized… it's worth it because… you have to fill the world up with _good_ people if you want anything to change. So people take a risk and they have kids because even though the world is shitty, maybe their kid will grow up to make it better."

"That's beautiful, babe." He'd meant it sincerely but of course she'd taken it as a teasing comment, he could tell by her facial expression, so he spoke again. "I was being serious…that is a striking way of putting it." He pulled at her calves so he'd tugged her down on the couch closer to him and then he leaned down to kiss her. "For the record… you are the most amazing person I know. And all you had for so long was Bunny… if that doesn't prove that _anyone_ can rise up from shitty circumstances if they put their mind to it, then I don't know what does. You inspire me every day to be a better man…and I can only imagine how much more I will love and admire you when I see you pushing a little mini version of us in the same way you push me…"

" _Very_ poetic." She'd smiled, giving him a little tease like she'd accused him of with that look. "But seriously… you and your way with words… they are not helping us not get pregnant… because I am pretty sure after hearing you say that… I _have_ to make you carry me to bed and have your way with me…."

Jay Halstead would do _just that._


	16. Chapter 16

She'd finished up at the district before Jay, and she was more than happy to be at home, curled up on the couch. It was sometime after lunch that she'd felt those familiar twinges of pain in her lower abdomen, an all too recognizable nuisance for _any_ woman. It was Mother Nature's way of confirming what the test had told her days ago, and she decided it was basically the _shittiest_ consolation prize of all time.

She'd been in that restful state between awake and asleep when he was turning his key in the lock. It had snapped her attention to the fact she'd been binge watching episodes of _Say Yes to the Dress_ on TLC and there was no way she wanted to give him this kind of ammo to hold over her head. She scrambled for the remote but he was already behind the couch. "What do we have here?" He'd asked, bemused; setting a bag of take out on the coffee table.

"Shut up!" Was her only reply, redness tinting her cheeks as she finally found the betraying object tucked underneath the couch. She switched it over to the Cubs game and moved to sit up so he could join her.

"Wait…were you seriously eating cheese right off the block?" He picked up the evidence of this; a block of sharp cheddar with obvious bite marks. His eyebrows crested in disgust, which elicited a laugh from her.

"I wanted cheese!" She shrugged. "Listen, you try having your ovaries revolt against you and then get back to me with this Judge Judy act, mmkay?" She rolled her eyes at him but begrudgingly rose from the couch to put the block of cheese away in the fridge. The show she was embarrassed about; her ravaging of that cheddar? Not so much. "What did you bring me to eat?" She grinned padding back in and pressing a proper kiss to his lips before settling herself back down and pulling the heating pad back into her lap.

"Chinese!" He said, unloading the bag of takeaway containers and handing her a sleeve of chopsticks before passing her the fried rice. "That isn't all for you though, killer." He remarked, settling against the back of the couch again and propping his feet up on the coffee table before grabbing another container of food for himself.

They ate in relative silence and swapped containers back and forth a few times before they were full and they'd abandoned the rest of the food on the coffee table, opting to snuggle up instead of overstuff themselves.

"So…" Jay began, causing Erin to raise a perplexed eyebrow at him. "I've been thinking…"

"Uh-oh…" She smiled, but she angled to look up at him in spite of her teasing.

However, their conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door and they exchanged a confused look before Erin was rising from her comfortable resting place in the crook of his arm to kiss his forehead before moving towards the door. She was less than thrilled when she opened it to reveal who had disrupted their quiet night at home. Taking in the sight of her second _unwelcomed visitor_ of the day, she folded her arms across her chest. "Mom?"

Her right eye was rimmed black and blue and she had some cuts on her lip and hands that told some sort of sad story. "Erin…I need your help." Bunny's voice was almost as pathetic as she looked now.

"What happened?" Erin inquired, but she made no move to let her in or open the door any wider than she had initially when she was unsure of who was on the other side of it.

" _This_ happened…" Her mother motioned up towards her battered face. "I told you I needed _your help_ and you hung me out to dry and now look at me…" She'd expected that to garner her daughter's sympathy but Erin remained rather stoic. "What, I can't even come in?"

Against her better judgment, she pulled the door farther open and allowed her mother inside; much to Jay's chagrin. She couldn't stop herself from at least hearing her out and it was better to have a conversation with her behind closed doors instead of airing dirty laundry out on their welcome mat for the entire floor to hear.

Bunny was surprised to see Jay there, leaned against the back of the couch, observing them from a safe distance; but still making his presence known. He would be the first to make his distaste for Bunny known to Erin, but he did his best to respect that fact that piece of shit or not, she was still his fiancé's mother. "Oh…. so you two are _still_ living together?" She'd said, and despite the unassuming tone that had lined her words, Erin knew what she'd meant to imply by them.

Erin's eyes narrowed with instant regret of letting her pass through that threshold. "Yeah, he's _still_ here. Going to be here for like… _ever_ actually." She said, her tone sassy, and then she was undoing the tight hold she had on herself with those arms crossed around her chest and brandishing her left hand towards her mother.

The gasp that came from Bunny's mouth was satisfying. "Oh Erin… that's so… _wonderful_." But something about the fake way she said it just made Erin roll her eyes.

"Yeah, it actually is the _most_ wonderful… but let's talk about your shit… tell me the _story."_ She annunciated the last word specifically to imply that she knew that Bunny was going to be stretching the truth when she recounted her version of whatever trouble it was she'd gotten into now. Somehow, she managed to paint herself as the victim of _every_ situation she found herself in. Erin had no interest in having any further discussion of her engagement; Bunny didn't deserve to be privy to those details.

"Well…" Bunny cast her eyes over to Jay as if to imply she was going to wait for privacy before continuing.

"I'm literally going to tell him _everything_ you say so… you might as well just do it yourself." And she nodded over at Jay to join them, content to keep Bunny there in the short hallway just inside their door rather than actually inviting her in. He'd hesitantly walked up, but even with his discomfort at the presence of the older woman in their most sacred of safe places; he stood protectively behind Erin.

Bunny scoffed but continued. Jay couldn't help but study the obvious tells that signified that she wasn't going to be completely forthright with the information she was about to share "Well… like I told you; Jimmy leant me some money…."

"How much is _some_?" Erin interrupted, not willing to get completely wrapped up into her mother's web of lies. It was something she'd been so powerless to usually, but with the aura of Jay's strong presence behind her, she felt emboldened.

"Ten…" Bunny trailed off and looked at the floor, crossing her arms over her chest in discomfort.

"Ten hundred?" Erin inquired, but Bunny just gave a quick shake of her head, "Ten _thousand_ dollars?" Erin's eyes were wide now as realization set in, "And how much have you paid him back?" She didn't even want to know that Bunny had blown it on.

"I told you, I've been doing the best I can but then to get straight with him but… well my friend Vanessa was in town and we had to do the city _right_ like we _used to_. You remember Vanessa…. she always _loved_ you! It'd been like ten years…" Erin's frustration was already growing but she remained stone-faced as her mother rambled on. "Then…the heater broke at the house and… what I'm supposed to just not have a heat?" Erin couldn't help but scoff now; at the irony of that statement. Bunny had let bills like heat and water fall delinquent more times than she'd ever kept on top of them when Erin was growing up. She refused to let herself get pulled down the rabbit hole that was the painful memories of her childhood though, so she interrupted her mother.

"That's not what I asked… _how much_ have you paid him back?"

"Fifteen hundred…" Bunny looked down again, picking nervously at the oversized fabric of the cable knit sweater she wore.

"You've paid him back _only_ one thousand, five hundred of the 10g's you borrowed?" Erin looked up and gave a dissatisfied click of her tongue before she sighed and returned her glaring gaze back to her mother. "Bunny… what did you expect was going to happen? You've been in this situation before _way_ too many times…" But even though she didn't want it to, a small part of her heart still swelled with compassion.

"You're right Erin…I _deserved_ to get my face bashed because I couldn't pay him back…" Bunny's words where thick with accusation she hoped would cut at Erin. It cut more at Jay to hear her demean her daughter that way; but he kept silent knowing that this was Erin's fight not his. He just hoped that those stinging allegations weren't enough to let the darkness out.

"You know what, _fuck you_ for saying that. I'm not apologizing because I _know_ you know that wasn't what I meant." Erin's reply had been filled with a surprising bite; certainly not the groveling one Bunny had hoped her accusation would've incited. "You will _not_ come into _my place_ and lob that bull shit at me or you can leave and I won't give a shit what happens to you, I _promise_ …" Erin added, stepping back towards Jay who was instinctively placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Okay, okay…" Bunny was backing off almost immediately. She'd have to adjust to this stronger more confident Erin, whose skin was too thick now to let her claws sink in that easy. "I'm _sorry,"_ She added, though her tone was devoid of any real apology. "I know I messed up… but what am I supposed to do, I don't have that kind of money lying around… Jimmy's friend… that Andy guy… he hit me with his fists this time but he said I have a week or next round is with a crow bar…"

Erin sighed and brought her hand up to rub at her temples. She couldn't just do nothing about this… like it or not, Bunny was her blood and that still meant something to her, even after e _verything_ she'd done. "You have got to stop getting into these types of situations mom…" She sighed and though she was still pissed off, her tone was softer now. She'd spare her mother the lecture that would've likely gone in one ear and out the other anyway. "This Andy… he got a last name?" She asked, even though her brain was sounding all the usual alarms to get her to avoid getting into any sort of shit with Bunny since it literally could _only_ end terribly for her.

"I…I don't know it… all I know is he was Jimmy's cellmate for awhile at the end of his sentence and… I'm pretty sure he was there for a domestic against his wife or girlfriend… baby mama… I don't know…but I got a picture of him…" Bunny stammered and she was taking her phone out to prove it to Erin.

"Okay so… you go to the police and tell them all of this and they pop him for violation of parole and then you lay low for awhile; get another job, and work your ass off to get Jimmy his money back." Erin offered, her frustration was obvious but she kept her voice even.

" _That's_ what I'm doing right now!" Bunny defended.

"No, what you're doing is bringing your shit on me _again_ … but I'm sorry mom, I just can't… I have a lot going on right now… I wish I could help you out, I really do. And you _know_ I will make some calls to set you up with a shelter for a few days while this gets sorted out but _that's_ _all_ I can do for you right now…" Erin's eyes narrowed with resolve, she refused to let Bunny break her down.

"But Erin…"

"Mom- STOP! Just _stop_ , okay? I'm exhausted… I have bailed you out time and again and you legitimately have _never_ learned anything from your mistakes…" She shook her head. "I'm not going to sit here and go back and forth with you… I don't have ten thousand dollars lying around… and even if I did… " She stopped herself, no using pouring salt in the wound. "Just… take the photo, bring it to the police, let them photograph your bruises and they will pick him up… I'll find a place for you to lie low and then you either need to get the fuck out of Chicago for awhile or you need to figure out a way you can take care of this problem _the right way."_

Bunny had a tough time swallowing the jagged pill that was her daughter's response to her desperation. For the first time ever, she hadn't been able to break her down. It was shocking to them both. Adrenaline was coursing through Erin's veins because of it. "Well… I…" But; she couldn't find an excuse this time so for once; she resorted to resigning herself to her daughter's suggestion. "Fine…I'll go to the shelter but… it'll be awhile before I can figure out where to go… and how I can even get there…" She was casting one last web in hopes of capturing her daughter's sympathy.

It elicited none though. Erin took a deep breath to keep her eyes from rolling and she let it out with a deep sigh. "What about your _dear_ friend Vanessa? I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting you up for awhile… where's she now… Indianapolis? Call her… work something out… call _someone_ and…" In spite of herself, she gave her mother a small concession. "I'll buy you a bus ticket…okay?" And she wasn't doing it from a place of sympathy really, but more because it was simply the _right_ thing to do, in her eyes at least. Besides, if it meant getting Bunny out of her hair for a while, it was a _good_ thing.

Despite not really getting her way, Bunny nodded. She knew that this was the best deal she was going to get and she was smart enough not to ruin it. She'd asked to use the bathroom while Erin put in some calls to some shelters to see who had room. Jay had returned to the couch now and had offered to get Bunny and uber once they figured out where she was going.

"I understand why you two got engaged now…" Bunny had started, a coy smile on her lips as she came back out. "I saw the pregnancy test in the trash can…" She gave Erin the smuggest smile at that accusation.

"You went through my—" Erin stopped herself. "Well then you should've also seen that it was _negative_ …" Erin remarked, with annoyance. "And then you should've seen the tampon wrappers so… what are you even trying to imply?" But then she knew she was giving her mother exactly what she wanted; the satisfaction of sending her into a tail spin. She would _not_ fall victim to that again; not this time! "Look just… drop it, okay? I found you a place at Angels' Haven on the Northside… Jay's going to call you an uber… you should just go wait for it downstairs."

She was moving towards the door, but she couldn't help but try one more time to rile her daughter up. "Well just that… when I was pregnant with you I still got my period for two months _and_ I had like three tests come up negative before I got a positive…" Bunny's words were meant to leave devastation in their wake, but Erin just rolled her eyes at yet another desperate attempt to get into her head.

"Goodbye, mom." Was the only reaction she'd give her as she ushered her mother towards the door. She let Bunny give her a hug but didn't reciprocate the gesture and once she was closing the door behind her unwanted guest, she allowed herself to feel a little of the sting her mother's words had actually caused her.

Jay had risen from the couch as soon as Erin was opening the door to get Bunny out of there and he waited until she was turning the lock to speak. "You alright?" He asked gently, reaching for her waist to pull her back against his chest.

Erin just sighed at first and closed her eyes as she leaned against him, appreciating the comfort that his strong arms instantly brought her when they wrapped her in that consoling embrace. "I tried to be strong but… she _still_ gets to me." She finally articulated. "I wish I weren't so weak…"

"You were _fierce_ , Erin." He corrected. "You stood up to her like I've never seen you before… it was amazing. You could see it in her eyes; she knows her bullshit didn't get to you. It was _killing_ her. You handled the situation _perfectly_ … I'm really proud of you."

Erin turned reluctantly to face him, though his arms still wrapped tightly around her. "Yeah?" She asked, as if she couldn't really believe what he'd said.

"Yes!" Jay insisted. "You were so strong, babe. You stood up to her but you still helped her…. you did good, kid!" He leaned down to capture her lips in a soft kiss and he let her be the one to deepen it, her hands coming up to rest comfortably at the nape of his neck.

" _You_ made me strong…being there behind me… I don't know… it really helped though… having…. _back up_ …I guess." She laughed at how this paralleled their working relationship; but there was no other way to describe it. As he kissed her forehead in a silent response, she let her eyes fall closed; the safety she felt casting a spell on her.

He was the first person she'd ever felt truly had her back unconditionally. After all, even Hank had seemingly given up on her in those awful three weeks from not long enough ago. But Jay, he'd stayed steady and consistent in his want to help her and be there for her without pushing her further away. Even when they'd been on their relationship… _furlough_ … he'd always made sure to be there for her when she needed him and consistently showed up for her when it counted the most. It wasn't until Jay was starting to talk that she'd realized she'd been lost in those thoughts.

"Where'd you go?" He asked, his fingers coming to rub up and down her spine; causing a shiver to course through her.

"Hmmm?" She blushed, "Sorry… just thinking about how great you are…" She admonished.

"Oh yeah? Well then, by all means…" He smiled down at her and kissed her again tenderly.

They stood there for a few moments entangled in one another before he'd moved to lead her back to the couch, depositing her their to wait after insisting he knew just what she needed. "A reward," He began, and her eyes were alit with amusement as he continued, brandishing a pair of spoons and a pint of her _favorite_ Ben and Jerry's. "For not only surviving that whole ordeal with your mom; but for kicking it in the ass!"

"Phish food?" Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates as joy radiated from them. "I _knew_ I loved you…" She grinned and took the container from him once he'd removed the seal and lid. "Thank you baby, you are the best!" She'd added, before leaning over to give him a chocolate-lipped kiss. He licked his own before stealing another, deeper kiss, and then they'd relaxed onto the couch again, passing the pint back and forth.

"Wait!" Erin said suddenly. "Before… when Bunny knocked… you were going to tell me something that had been on your mind?" She recalled their earlier conversation.

"Oh! Yes!' Jay moved to sit up from his slouched position. "Guy I know…" He started and amusement played in her eyes once again; he truly had a _guy_ for everything. "Did a tour together with the rangers…his parents have a really nice place in Wicker Park…. really _quaint_ little backyard…" He alluded to her conversation with Kim at Molly's what seemed like forever ago now, but her words and descriptions of her ideal wedding day had been forever engrained in his mind.

Her dimples shone once again as a giant smile spread across her entire face. "Jay…." She gave him a coy smile, her eyes glassy with emotion.

"They said we could use it _any_ time we want…" He continued. Then, he was sliding out his phone and accessing his photos before tossing it to her. Her fingers swiped hastily at the screen, taking in every detail of the picturesque garden style backyard complete with worn wooden archway, covered in ivy. The wheels in her head were already turning as she drew her eyes up to look at him. It was like suddenly; her entire vision could be brought to life.

"I _love_ it…" She set the ice cream down now and dove towards him, slinging both of her arms around his neck as she tackled him backwards on the couch in a gigantic hug that found her legs on either side of his torso as he was trapped there underneath her.

"Just say when sweetheart…" He grinned, his hands coming to cup her face and draw her down until their lips were crashing together passionately.

"Let me…all I need is a dress… the rest is… _whatever_ …" She said against his mouth, "I'll text Kim and Gabby… drag them out with me and then we can figure this out… but I'd say… soon…?"

It was his turn to have eyes alit with excited joy; "Yeah?"

"Yeah," She'd grinned in return and then they'd allowed themselves to dissolve into a flurry of chaste kisses that would occupy their time until they'd both drifted to sleep on the couch, too consumed by their closeness to take themselves to bed.


	17. Chapter 17

It had been a little over a week since she'd stood up to her mother and she was _still_ riding the adrenaline high she'd gotten from it. Despite feeling empowered, Jay knew that Bunny's words had had more of an effect on her than she wanted to let on and though he was okay with letting her play it like they hadn't, he couldn't sit by and do nothing. Whether Erin wanted to admit or accept it, she was worried about Bunny. It broke Jay's heart to see the way her mother could take advantage of her gigantic heart even from a distance. He'd watched her squirm long enough. That was what had caused him to appear in front of her desk now, folder in his hand. "Andrew Ziegler." He said, dropping the file he'd prepared on him onto her desk.

She gave him a perplexed look, unsure of where he could be going with this. "Okay….?" She began, searching her mind for the significance of that name.

"The guy…who got _into it_ with Bunny…Jimmy's friend." Her eyes softened as she looked at him. "I knew it was killing you and… I also knew you were trying to make yourself not look into it…so I did it for you. Turns out she didn't take your advice and go down to her precint to report the attack but I called his parole officer anyway, talked to him man to man and…" He shrugged; he hadn't done it to get her praise so there was no point finishing the story. He just wanted to let her know that it had been handled.

" _Baby_ …" She began, calling him a pet name usually reserved for home. But, she was truly touched at how he could read her like a book. There was no time to care about professionalism right now. "Thank you." She added gently, her fingers moving to slide the folder open. There sat the picture of her mother's attacker; 33 year old Andrew 'Andy' Ziegler from Canaryville. According to his rap sheet, he'd been arrested several times on and off for the past ten years for various domestic assaults and batteries. "Seems like a real gem." She noted, her eyes flicking over the list of his crimes. This guy was no stranger to beating women, it seemed.

She was about to say something else when Hank appeared at the top of the stairs, "Lindsay, my office…" He said even more gruffly than usual, and something about the way his eyes had narrowed, made her feel like she was in trouble. She'd risen from her desk with tempered reluctance before walking towards his office. "Close it." He'd motioned towards the door and she knew that meant that whatever it was he wanted to talk to her about wasn't going to be fun. She cast Jay a nervous look as she shut the door behind her.

"What's going on?" She asked, her voice trailing as she tried to study his features for any sign of what he had brought her in here for.

"I think you know." He'd said, his dark eyes narrowing on hers as he motioned towards the chair across from his table for her to sit, she did so with practiced obedience, though she eyed him skeptically, one perfectly plucked eyebrow raised to emphasize her lack of understanding.

"Well then you have way too much confidence in me because, I'm lost…" She said, folding her arms across her chest defensively, wishing she had her _back up_ here now. She'd seen this same rage in Hank's eyes before; but she honestly wasn't sure what she'd done to put it there this time.

He studied her for a moment, probably to decide if she was being honest or not with this clueless act before he spoke again. "So that's how you're going to play this?" He asked, shaking his head at her in disappointment. That was an all too familiarly recognizable gesture from him as well. "Well, maybe this will help bring you up to speed and refresh that selective memory of yours." He took his phone out and after a few taps to the screen, he was showing it to her, his tone already full of accusation. Whatever he was going to show her now, he'd obviously made up his mind about. She wracked her brain for what it could be, but nothing came to mind.

As her eyes fell on the screen, she found that what he wanted to show her was a text message chain. Her eyes immediately went to read the name at the top of the conversation and then her heart sunk at what she read there. _Nothing_ good could come from this. As she studied the green and gray speech bubbles and _photo_ of the exchange splayed there in disparaging degradation; her blood boiled.

"She's _lying_!" Erin said, rising now from the chair she'd been uncomfortably settled into quickly so it slammed back behind her, showing her emotions on her sleeve. She dropped his phone down onto his desk carelessly and it crashed against his keyboard with a bang. "And… _actually_ …. even if she wasn't… who the fuck are you to bring me in here and question me about it? Like you've told me before… my problem has been that I tend to talk to you like the man who raised me and not my boss… well now it's your turn. Stop treating me like your _daughter_ and treat me the way you treat all of the other detectives in this unit! We're done here." She glared and though he hadn't dismissed her, she was walking towards the door.

"Erin…" He growled from his seat and though she wanted to power through that door she stopped and turned to cast another deadly look at him. "I was just asking…" His tone was a little lighter now; well as light as Hank's ever seemed to get.

"No… _that_ wasn't asking. _That_ was accusing. And…how dare you believe her without even coming to me. What, you want to put me back on piss tests so I can prove it to you?" Her eyes were blinking furiously with threatening tears now and she didn't want to be this emotional. Especially not after she'd been so brazen yesterday when standing up to her mother. Of course Bunny would still find a way to ruin her. "This conversation is _over_." She said, and she was flinging the door open with a little more emotion than intended and as it swung wildly to smack against the wall adjacent to it, the sound drew everyone's attention to her dramatic exit. She'd breezed right past her own desk when she left that room, her skin was prickling with anger and she needed to get as far from Hank as possible before she did something she'd come to regret.

Instinctively and without thinking it through, Jay was up and out of his desk in milliseconds, casting a look over at Al who just seemed to nod that he should go after her. He was on her heels as she took the stairs two at a time. "Erin…" He called after her. She'd cast him a look over her shoulder to let him know she'd heard him, but her pace didn't slow until she was shoving open the door to the locker room.

Upon entering, she drew her hands up into her hair, elbows jutting out, and started to pace by the benches that stood in front of their lockers. "Babe…" He tried again, taking a careful step towards his love, not wanting to poke the bear and take the brunt of her wrath when it had nothing to do with him.

Erin let out a few deep sighs before she was able to articulate a sentence. Her voice shook with emotion as the words came out, "She told him _I'm pregnant_ …." Her eyes were wide with rage. "And she also said that I'd confided in her that I was 'too afraid' to tell him because I didn't want to get 'kicked out of the unit.'" She shook her head. "And he just fucking believed her… without even asking me about it first… he just… _accused._ After all the millions of times he's told me how she's not to be trusted, nothing but bad news and…. to cut her out and leave her behind and stop talking to her if I want my job back…. after ALL of that he just _believes her_ …" She rolled her eyes at her own frustration and she hated that the tears were rimming her hazel orbs yet again. She didn't fight it when he came up in front of her, fingers of his left hand hooking into her belt loop as his right took residence in the layers of hair behind her neck; drawing her against him. "She sent him a picture of the test on the bathroom counter… she is such a _psycho_ that she took it out… placed it on the counter… took a picture… _all_ with the intent of using it to fuck with me?" Shock filled her entirely and she let her forehead fall against his chest; allowing herself just a moment of reprieve from her gnawing thoughts until she realized that she'd just said _all_ of that out loud to him. It had felt so completely natural that even in all of her anxious frustration; she could take a moment to appreciate it. But that momentary relief was only fleeting. "But it's frustrating… _he_ can be such a hypocrite! He crosses the line of personal and professional with me all the time! But when I do it; he puts me in my place in front of everyone…"

He let her vent her frustrations; half in awe of how real and upfront she was being with him. It was one of the first times that she'd done so without beating around the bush first. He knew he couldn't fuck this up so he just stared pensively at her and waited for her to finish, pressing a kiss to her forehead. "We are taking the rest of the day as a personal… just… head out to the car… I'll _handle_ Hank." He said and his voice was laced with so much conviction as he spoke those last three words. Very few people could _handle_ Hank Voight. That was a statement that, coming from Jay's mouth at any other time, would've made them both laugh. But now, they both knew he meant it.

She didn't bother to argue or even really respond beyond nodding her head thoughtfully at him as his thumb came up to trace against her bottom lip. "I love you…" It was simultaneously spoken, out of nowhere, a fact that made them both smile widely and then lean in for a tenderly chaste kiss. Somehow, despite the high levels her blood pressure had been previously skyrocketed to, her heartbeat seemed to slow and her breathing evened out; calmness sweeping over her.

Though Jay had fully intended to honor his promise of handling their boss since he'd first spoken those words to her, it was a task he was sure would be easier said than done. They'd stayed in the locker room in that comforting embrace for a little longer before he'd sent her to the car and headed back up the stairs to the bullpen. He rolled his shoulders and then his neck a few times back and forth as a way to gear himself up for… he wasn't even sure what.

Hank was like a shark in that he could seemingly _smell_ fear, so Jay was resolved to have none of it in him as he reached the top of those stairs and strode confidently towards the older man's office. He rapped on the doorframe in professional courtesy before taking command of the conversation before Hank had the chance. "Erin is going to need a personal for the rest of the day… her head just isn't here right now and we both know that means she shouldn't be working this case." He was surprised Hank hadn't interrupted him yet so he'd continued to speak before he did just that. "You and I have discussed in the past that she needs someone to have her back twenty four seven and I think in unspoken terms, we _both_ agree that _I_ am that person. And so I'm going to need to take a personal for the rest of the day too because I don't think she should be alone right now and… I hope you can understand that." He cleared his throat to indicate he was finished and hoped that Voight couldn't see the way his heart was slamming into his rib cage with adrenaline and nerves from delivering that monologue.

Hank just seemed to stare thoughtfully at him for a moment and then he brought his hands together, index fingers bracing against one another as his other fingers folded over themselves. He tapped his index fingers against his lips for what seemed like forever. Then, he nodded to indicate it was fine if they did, and it was all he offered before his gaze left Jay and he was dismissively staring at his computer screen.

Jay nodded, "Thanks sarge," He added respectfully and then he was stopping only briefly by their desks to gather pertinent items before waving briefly at the guys and heading out to the parking lot to find Erin leaned up against his car.

"I was giving you fifteen more minutes before sending a search party…" She teased gently, hoping that he'd honor her request for a light conversation with her words, content to ride the high calm that his presence had washed over her in the locker room. Jay gave her a playful grin at her words and he stole a kiss from her lips. "How'd it go?" Her tone was nervous even though she could only assume it had gone well given the fact he was standing there with her now, seemingly unscathed.

"Surprisingly well." He admitted, his smile growing at that. She reached to tug the keys from his hand but he shook his head, pulling them back out of her reach. "I have an idea… I think it'll make you feel better." He noted and though normally she'd put up more of a fight to figure out what he meant, but she decided to just go with it and moseyed to the passenger's side.

They spent the short drive to Antonio's gym in comfortable silence, hands touching each other's thighs and arms in sweet offerings of reassurance and love as they rode. Erin, usually content to stare out the window when she was plagued by a situation like this, had kept her eyes on her handsome man the entire time, studying the way he licked at his lips or rubbed the back of his neck. She was intent to memorize every flawless detail of him just as he was now, if it was the last thing she did. That was the reason she hadn't realized where he was taking her until he was parking the car. "The gym?" She asked, tilting her head to survey their surroundings once he'd pulled the car to a complete stop.

"What, you're trying to tell me pounding a treadmill and beating the shit out of bag won't make you feel better?" He asked, turning to look at her.

She had to admit that he was right, this was a brilliant idea and probably exactly the healthy outlet she needed for her stress, some of which had been taken off of her already by him. She smiled gently, "True." She admonished, but then she was twisting her lips in thought. "But I'm wearing jeans…"

"True." He copied her sentiment, his own smile growing again. "But, and this is the _only_ time you'll ever hear me say this but, thank goodness you're a slob because you left enough clothes in the back of my car throughout out relationship that you could open a boutique."

"You didn't seem to have an issue with where my clothes ended up when _you_ were the one taking them off me back there…" She'd prodded in return, motioning to the backseat where they'd had more than one intimate encounter, especially in the earlier, sneakier days of their budding romance. "Okay fine, but what are you going to do?"

"Oh, I always keep a bag with gym clothes in my trunk just in case."

"Oh so when you do it, it's being prepared. I do it… I'm a slob!" But she smiled anyway.

"Erin… mine are in a bag because I meant for them to be here, you just _leave_ things places…" But he wasn't _really_ mad either.

"You love me," She shrugged and moved to open her door.

"That I do." He agreed. They both got out of the car and moved to the trunk where he grabbed the black gym bag he kept there while she sorted through a pile of her clothing that was _much_ smaller than she was expecting due to his hyperbolic description of it. She grabbed a pair of yoga pants, a sports bra, and a tank and she had to admit; she couldn't even remember the last time she'd worn them which meant they'd probably taken up residence here for a while. She'd even managed to find her headphones she sworn had vanished into thin air (and found her constantly stealing his). She had vague memories of Jay trying to remind her to get her shit out of the car before heading up the stairs countless times, but it was a battle he'd seemingly abandoned after awhile, resigning himself to the fact that this was just how it was with her. Besides, maybe he liked having little pieces of her even in his personal space; reminders of how much she was his. She smiled to herself at that as well as they strolled up to the gym's entrance, heading to their respectively gendered locker rooms to change.

Erin was surprisingly emerging first and made her way over to the row of treadmills that lined a mirrored wall. "Done fixing your make up?" She asked, not having to turn to notice he'd joined her there on the treadmill next to her because she'd seen his reflection approaching in the mirror. She was putting her headphones in when his long arms reached over from his own machine and smacked her butt in playful response to her teasing.

Jay was right, the feel of her feet slapping wildly against the textured surface was exactly what she needed to let go the rest of her stress. She let her eyes close as she lost herself in the music and occasionally adjusted the tempo of the machine's movement to match the rhythm and beats blaring in her ears at full volume. She hadn't even realized how hard she'd been running until she felt him yank her headphone from the ear facing him just as he'd spoken her name for what she could only assume hadn't been the first time. She jumped her feet to the motionless sides of the treadmill and then looked down in surprise to see just how incredibly fast it had been moving below her. She used her thumb to click the pace down several notches before letting her feet fall back to the moving surface in a more manageable pace. "Jesus babe… I thought I was going to start to see smoke rising from those feet.."

Sweat dripped unapologetically from her forehead and the wisps of hair that stuck out from the ponytail she'd swept her medium brown locks into in that locker room. Her cheeks and chest were tinted red and glistened with the evidence of her efforts as she clicked the treadmill down more, this time to a cool down pace. "I go hard…" She said with a suggestive raise of her eyebrows at her obvious double entendre.

"I _hope_ that's a promise." He smiled and then we was lowering his pace to meet her own, tossing her the towel he'd brought in with intended use for himself, but with the sweat that poured down her face, he could tell her needed it more.

She caught it with ease and cast him an appreciative smile as she dabbed at the salty liquid that threatened to drip down and sting her eyes. Stepping off the treadmill she wiped her face a little more forcefully and then her chest and arms before throwing the sweaty thing at Jay who wore a look of disgust on his face as he side stepped to avoid being hit by it. "You're sick." He said, but even as he shook his head he was laughing. "You want to go pound the bag for awhile? I'll hold it for you…" He added, stepping towards her as she moved to pick up the towel and tuck it under her arm.

The deviant smile that played on her lips now intrigued him as she closed the distance between them more before speaking in a husky whisper. "Hmm… here I was thinking you might want to do some _pounding_ of your own?"

He cast lustful eyes down at the floor breifly at her suggestive statement, biting his bottom lip as he studied her appreciatively. "Yup, time to go.." He smiled and he was sliding his hand into hers to lead her towards the door, stopping only to collect their things from the lockers they'd deposited them into before beginning their run.

They'd only make it as far as the car's backseat before he was honoring her request.


	18. Chapter 18

**So, episode 4.22 inspired an idea for me so there will be some aspects vaguely based on the plot of it, but obviously this story has drifted very far from canon so it will also be quite different. Just felt compelled to share that! Also, I honestly just can't explain enough how much I leave reading reviews; it is so amazing to get your thoughtful and kind feedback. It brings me such joy to know that even just a few other people are enjoying something that I really love creating.**

Lindsay was dreading going to the district the next morning, but she had made a point to Hank about how they _both_ needed to keep things professional with one another and she planned to stick to that.

"Hey… you see my dog tags?" Jay asked, emerging from the bathroom. But he didn't need to wait for an answer because her guilty smile gave it away and then she was lifting them up from the place where she tucked them into her v-neck.

"Well they were on the counter… but then I was thinking how I need to be brave today and… then they were around my neck." She bit her lip gently and he couldn't help but smile at that, he had to admit, his heart grew two sizes at seeing her tugging on them as they hung there, resting between two of his most favorite parts of her body.

"What do you think I gave you that ring for?" He asked, moving towards her, his arm snaking around her waist. "You don't need anything to _feel_ brave." He looked seriously into her eyes as he spoke. "Because you _are_ brave." She needed that reminder, so he'd be happy to give it to her until she could remember it on her own.

A smile tugged at her lips and then she was kissing him, her hands moving to transfer the dog tags to his neck while their lips remained locked. Once they were settled in their rightful place dangling from his neck, she moved to break this kiss but then his hands were on her face, keeping her there a few seconds longer. When they released, his hand traveled to the small of her back. "We should get going, you're already on the shit list." He teased, causing her to roll her eyes.

He was right though, so they'd finished getting ready and minutes later they were out the door. She'd convinced Jay to stop for coffee even though it would have them cutting it close and she'd gotten Voight's usual order – black coffee, as a peace offering. As rough and tumble as she was about a lot of things, it was also in her nature to fix things like this. She'd decided on the ride over she wasn't going to wait for him to call her in his office again, she was just going to face the music right away and get it over with.

She'd done just that, and now she found herself standing in front of the desk, placing the coffee there, and realizing that she should've thought this plan a little further through before executing it. Well, she'd just have to wing it. "Hank I—" But he was raising a hand to silence here.

"You're all I really have left, kid." He sighed and he wasn't looking to her as he spoke and she felt like maybe this would go better than expected. The only time Hank couldn't seem to look her in the eye was when he knew he was wrong about something. "Maybe I _wanted_ to believe what she said, for a minute there." He shrugged and then his eyes were finally casting up to meet hers and they both nodded in silent understanding. She comprehended now, why he'd been so fast to believe this woman he'd always warned her never to trust. "Only for a minute though." He confirmed seriously and then he was nodding towards the bullpen. "Get back to work Detective." And with that she knew that would be all that would be said between them on the subject.

She was about to leave when she felt compelled to share something else with Hank, violating her own rule a little in the process. "She was only at my place because she got a little roughed up by some guy associated with Jimmy… any idea why he would lend Bunny $10g?" She asked, laughing in spite of the fact she found little to no humor in the situation.

"I'll find out." He supplied confidently and then nodded towards his door for her to scoot.

She'd given Jay a thumbs up on the sly to tell him things had gone fine, before returning to her desk. It couldn't have been 15 minutes later that Adam was answering a call that would rock the entire unit; but one of them in particular. "… it's a live stream on Facebook… he's linking us through now…" And then, the video was up on his computer screen and everyone, including Hank was crowded around it to watch the horrific events that would unfold over the next 57 seconds. A man sat strapped to a chair and a masked assailant was beating him with chains wrapped around his masked fists. His face was almost unrecognizable as it swelled from the beating he took. Then, his aggressor was picking up a gas can and pouring it in a circle around the chair where the man sat, screaming and begging for his life. "We need that address yesterday Cruz…" Ruzek warned into the phone. But it would be too late anyway; the masked man was fleeing the room, striking a match, and then tossing it out towards the circle of gasoline and in seconds, fire roared there. "600 block of SW 3rd St!" Ruzek was shouting then and the team was springing into action.

The scene they'd arrive to find was almost as horrific as the video stream they'd been subject to in the bullpen. The smell of burnt flesh and hair filled the small bedroom where they'd found their victim. But the smell wasn't the only disturbing thing they'd find in addition to the mutilated corpse. On every surface of the room's back wall, different variances of the word 'pedophile,' some more colorful than others, had been written in blood.

Knowing how these cases in particular always affected Jay due to his history with Lonnie, Erin had put an instinctive hand on his lower back as they'd left the scene. They knew that this one would require lots of man hours and as soon as they were back at the station they were setting to work identifying the victim, gathering as much information as they could from the video, and staying on top social media to see if their killer would strike again. And he would, the very next night.

They'd all stayed late the past two nights; but were right back at it early the next morning; exploring a lead. A group who had publicly identified both of the victims as being known pedophiles, but after tracking down the page runner's IP address, Hank had sent Atwater and Ruzek to talk to him and they'd determined he had nothing to do with the beatings, even if they had been inspired by his videos. They'd used the fact they could charge him with inciting the murders so he'd agreed to help them out by putting a new video up with Olinsky undercover as a pedophile he could put on blast. Then, they'd be waiting to see who showed up and they'd take him in.

Jay and Erin sat in their car waiting for the vigilante to arrive and it was the first time they'd really had to talk about any of this since they'd caught the case. The last two nights after they'd finally gotten home, they'd been too tired to do anything other than climb into bed; Erin snuggling up her back to his front before they'd almost instantly fallen asleep. "Hey, how you doing with all this?" She asked, reaching to grab his thigh, though she kept he eyes on the house where Al was waiting to lure in the killer.

He shrugged, "I'm not sure… I mean… there's a time in my life where I would've paid someone to do exactly this to Lonnie Rodiger so…" He shrugged his shoulders. "Hard to feel bad for these assholes, but I understand that it takes another kind of sicko to burn someone alive, while looking like you sell insurance and live in your mother's basement so…" He nodded curtly, even though she wasn't looking at him. He often found himself using humor to diffuse a situation he wasn't interested in fully dealing with. She could sympathize with what he said, both because she knew just how deeply _both_ cases with Lonnie had been for him and also because there were a fair share of people from her past she _still_ wouldn't mind seeing tied to a chair and beaten senseless; though if she were a pedophile slaying vigilante she would skip the burning alive and opt for the chopping off of a certain body part.

It would be only a few more minutes of silence in that car before they were moving in and busting the perpetrator with the rest of the team. Jay had practically begged Hank to have a go at him in the interrogation room, but he'd said Jay was too attached to the case and needed to take a step back. That had only made his frustrations grow and as Al and Voight did the interrogating, he sat behind the two way mirror with Erin's hand protectively placed on the small of his back, listening to them get no where with their perp; 42 year old Jason Chatham. Jay couldn't place it, but he knew something just wasn't right with this guy. After watching the older members of his unit going round and round, yet getting nowhere, Jay was tired of sitting on the sidelines. "Erin I… I can't just sit here anymore… I'm going crazy… there is more to this guy than he's letting on… there's something _more_ there, I can… feel it. We need to get in his head. You don't just brutally beat and burn alive three different men for the being pedophiles without… there is a darkness inside of him that goes way beyond being a vigilante seeking justice…." He stopped, seemingly struck with an idea that had completely distracted him from continuing.

Before she was even able to offer a reply, he was moving out of the room where he'd been standing with his girl and he was knocking on and then opening the room to the interrogation room where Hank, Al, and Chatham were only a few steps over. "Sarge, a word?" Hank cast him an annoyed look; wondering why he'd felt inclined to interrupt them.

"This better be important, Halstead." Hank had vocalized, once the pair of them were safely in the hallway.

"I think we should get Dr. Charles out here… something is going on with this guy… I can't place it, I'm not sure what it is but… I can just tell… you have to trust me on this…"

Hank studied him carefully, arms crossed over his chest, a familiar click to his jaw as he drew in a breath before speaking. "Alright, it's not a bad idea… call him, get him down here as soon as you can. But, I go in there with the doc, not you… we clear on that?"

Jay wanted to argue but he knew it was no use so he'd just nodded at his boss and then headed up to his desk to make the call. Erin was leaving the two-way mirror room where she'd managed to stay out of sight yet fully listening to their conversation. Her small strides were no match for his larger ones and she found herself having to quicken her pace to almost a run to catch up to him.

Her chest rose and fell more rapidly than usual once they'd finally reached his desk and she moved to sit on the edge of it, near the drawers, as he hit the speed dial that would connect him to Med and eventually the good doctor.

Dr. Charles made it in less than half an hour and he was sitting across from Chatham while Hank was posted up against the wall, one leg bracing at an angle against it as his other remained on the floor. Using similar tactics to the ones he used with Erin to draw things out of her; Dr. Charles took a gentle approach to investigating the mind of this enigmatic man. It wasn't long before Hank was bringing him stairs to the bullpen to discuss his take on the conversation he'd had with this strange man.

He'd already filled in most of the details of his observations when he'd brought up an idea for them to consider that Jay was fully ready to run with. "This inciting incident would need to be deeply personal to him… seems almost like he has tendencies himself… maybe he is killing these men as a way to absolve his own sins."

Jay's eyes were alit with fire. "Yes…Hank that _has_ to be it… it makes sense… I know I could sense something really off about him, beyond what he's done to land him here, obviously."

"I don't care if you have a _feeling_ about something here Jay… we are going to need some proof before we can just decide that what the doctor thinks is right…though we do appreciate you taking the time to help us…you've been very helpful." Hank said, turning dismissively away from Jay and focusing his attention on shaking hands with Dr. Charles. Erin took this opportunity to angle her chair back towards her computer, desperate to find something that could help Jay because maybe him having a feeling didn't matter much to Hank but in her book, it carried quite a bit of weight.

"Then I'll find you proof." Jay said, maybe with a little more emotion that he should've allowed himself. "We know this guy isn't all there upstairs…you and Al went at him for over and hour and we're no closer to figuring this thing out... let us have a chance with him… or at least send Erin and I to Chatham's place, let us do a search…" He was spiraling a little, he could feel that and he could already tell from the look of protest on Hank's face that he wasn't going to agree to that.

Hank wouldn't be able to confirm or deny Jay's suspicions before Erin was speaking. "Guys…" She was rising from her desk and heading back to grab the document she'd just sent to the printer before moving to stick it up on the board that was already very decorated with photos and information revolving around the case. "I just found an article from 2008 mentioning Chatham from his home town newspaper out of Godfrey, Illinois…" She pointed her thumb at it. "Charges were never formally brought against him for it but this is a scathing article that accuses Chatham of being involved in the kidnapping and rape of a 9 year old boy, Eric Lister… says here that there was no physical evidence to tie him to the crimes… so no charges were ever brought but multiple neighbors of the victim identified him as suspicious man they'd seen lurking around the neighborhood for three days prior to the boy's disappearance and another reported that a man closely matching Chatham's description had approached her son and offered to pay him $40 to give him a pair of his underwear from the 'dirty laundry pile'… again no way to prove this so…" Jay's eyes found hers with quiet appreciation and they exchanged a look that communicated as much.

Hank took in the information she delivered and nodded; "Good work Lindsay… Ruzek get a warrant for us to search Chatham's apartment, we find something there, maybe we can figure this thing out…" As Jay started to stand Hank addressed him. "Not you… you're in to deep with this, you're sitting the bench on this one until I know you can handle yourself…" Then he seemed to consider his next sentence thoughtfully. "Lindsay, you're staying too. Make sure he doesn't do something stupid… but _neither_ of you goes anywhere near Chatham until I say so, understood?" They'd both nodded in agreement and then sat back down at their desks, exchanging another knowing look.

In the sweep of Chatham's modest two bedroom home, Atwater had discovered a child's backpack stuffed in the back of his closet, going through the folders inside would reveal a name; "Jasper Santos…" He said into the phone, Lindsay was on the other end, typing the name into the database of missing persons as she switched it to speaker so Jay cold hear as well. She snapped her fingers a couple times over at Jay, who was sitting at his desk trying to comb through any other details they could have missed about the offender, to get his attention. He was on his feet and then next to her only seconds later.

"Reported missing a little more than 48 hours ago by his mother; Wanda Meyers…" Then her voice was trailing. "Shit… their address is only two blocks west of Chatham's place…"

Jay's eyes were wide with angry alarm; that gut feeling he had… this had to bewhat it was warning him about. Chatham had this kid out there somewhere… or he'd already killed him; of that he was sure. "He has him…" Jay swore with absolute conviction, and he was moving to click print on Jasper's photo.

He'd barely heard Hank's voice come on the line and tell them to sit and wait for him to get back before he was tearing across the bullpen. "Jay!" She was calling out and that prompted Hank to say something exceptionally loud into the phone but it was lost on both of them who were already too far from her desk to hear what he'd said. "Jay, GUN!" She yelled and then he was sliding it out of his holster and setting it down haphazardly next to the printer before practically tearing the photograph he'd just printed off from it, bolting out of the room towards where Chatham was.

She knew that she had to put both of their guns in the safe to cover their asses and it was the _only_ thing that had stalled her from being right behind him when he'd entered the interrogation room.

"Where is Jasper Santos?" He demanded, slamming the door behind him.

Chatham, his appearance mousy and pathetic, didn't even look up. "I don't know who you are referring to."

"Yes you do!" Jay said, his voice louder now as he shoved the picture of Jasper in his face. "He is ten years old… remind you of any little boys back in good ol' Godfrey that were around his age when you raped and killed them?" He was seething with rage as Erin finally made it inside that room she cast him a look that let him know she had his back on this.

"I was never charged with that… I didn't do anything to that boy…" Chatham swore. "Eric was sweet, he deserved better than what he got." He supplied casually, but something about the way he'd said it sent Jay over the edge. In one swift movement he was slamming him against the wall, hand around his throat.

"You're going to fucking tell me where Jasper Santos is or I swear to god I will fucking—" He wasn't able to finish because her hands were on his shoulders pulling him back to reality.

"Not here…" She said quietly so that only he could hear and then; louder "Take a walk partner…" He dropped his hold around Chatham's neck instantly if only to whip around and give her an angry look but then she communicated silently to him with her eyes that she had a plan and he knew he had to trust what she did next. With reluctance, he backed off and then stepped towards the door. He found himself, seconds later, standing with folded arms behind that two-way mirror glass again; watching to see what would unfold now that he'd left her alone with him.

"Wow… I am _so sorry_ for the way my partner acted, he can be such a hot head… are you okay, can I get you anything?" She played up the sweet tone in her voice to build some level of trust between them.

"No… no I'm fine. Thank you… for getting him out of here… I was afraid he was going to get out of line."

She gave a fake smile. "Oh, never! You don't need to worry about that. He just takes things like this really personally… we just want to get to the bottom of things… especially with this Jasper Santos kid…" She sighed. "I think for your own protection, I should take you down to the holding cell down stairs, would you prefer that?" She annunciated those last words loudly and it was then that Jay realized what her plan was. He was out the door again and heading down to the cage to wait without bothering to listen to the rest of their exchange.

"Yes, please…. thank you." Chatham had responded; obviously oblivious to her plans for him.

Jay discarded his badge on a table and rolled up his sleeves. Although he knew logically it wasn't more than eight minutes that passed before Erin was descending down the stairs with Chatham in tow, it had felt like an eternity. "Wait…. what's he doing down here?" Chatham asked her nervously as she led him by the arm towards the cage.

"Well, you didn't do _anything_ right? So you don't have anything to worry about…" Her tone was less sweet as she shoved him into the cage, taking out her cuffs to put one around his left wrist, attaching the other side to the wired cage. Chatham sunk down onto the bench, fear written into his face. "So, I just wanted to ask you one more time before I let my partner talk to you again and I just have to step out for a second… do you have _any_ idea where we might find Jasper Santos."

"I…." Chatham seemed to have an internal struggle before deciding how to respond. "I wish I could help you find that boy but… I just don't have any idea…" With that, Erin had turned around and walked away, letting the cage slam close behind her as she did so, causing the man inside to jump slightly.

Jay was secretly happy he'd made the wrong decision. "Two minutes…" Erin had said, giving him a look to remind him that this put her ass on the line too and not to take things too far and then she'd stepped _just_ outside of the doorframe in order to be there instantly if things did go South.

"My partner is real sweet, hmm?" He began, his eyes narrowing at Chatham as he drew the cage's door back open. "See, that's not my play on this… now as a man I'm giving you one last chance… we found his backpack at your place… give me a fucking address or…." He gave him a look that told of the horrors he'd do to him if he didn't cooperate.

"Miss….ma'am! Come back please…he's…PLEASE!" Chatham was calling out to Erin who kept her steady stance outside of the room.

"You didn't answer my question…." Jay's fist was slamming into his nose causing it to emit a loud crack as it did, blood splattering slightly against his fist, the wall, and Chatham's face. He screamed out in horror… "You…you can't do that!" He shouted, "MISS! He is attacking me!" Chatham screamed out.

Despite the fact it hadn't been two minutes, Erin found herself sauntering back in though she moved just inside the door and not any farther into the room. She was wary of how far Jay might take this and she needed to be a _little_ closer in case he did take things too far. "WHERE IS HE?" he asked, his hands in Chatham's hair now, slamming is head back to force the man, if you could even call this animal that, to look at him.

Tears sprung in Chatham's eyes now but he still didn't give Jay what he wanted and now his elbow was dropping down to slam against his eye, finally prompting Chatham to squeak out the reply Jay had been searching for, just as Hank and Al were walking into the room. "HALSTEAD!" He warned but Erin was already behind him, bear hugging him and pulling him away from Chatham.

"Jay got an location on Jasper… he's in the trunk of a blue sedan parked near the Darden River Bridge…" Erin spoke quickly with a desperate plea in her eyes.

"Grab Atwater and Ruzek… get there, NOW!" He said and he made a point to look only at Al and Erin, who cast a nervous look at Jay. He nodded for her to go and resigned himself to stay and face whatever it was he had coming. Erin and Al were out of the room in an instant and Hank just stared at Jay for a moment before moving to grab some paper towels to hand to him to clean the blood from his fist. "Wait for me in my office."

If waiting for Erin to bring Chatham down to the cage had felt like an eternity, then he should've been prepared for the excruciation that came with waiting for Hank to appear in his office finally. He should've been more prepared but he was still startled when after waiting for nearly 30 minutes, he finally heard Hank's familiar rasp. "You violated a direct order to stay away from Chatham." Were the words that had stirred Jay from the deafening silence that had caused him to feel the heavy burden of worry over what the team would find when they got to Jasper Santos. His phone was still in his desk drawer and he hadn't dared get up to retrieve it and have Hank come up at that exact moment, so he hadn't made any contact with Erin since she left.

Jay wanted to defend his actions; point out they had yielded an address, which was far more information than Hank or Al had gotten when they'd taken a run at him. But he knew that wouldn't end well and he also knew that with Erin being complicit in his actions, he needed to tread lightly for both of their sakes. "Yes sir. I felt like I had to go with my gut instinct to do what was best for this case so I acted on impulse." He stared straight past Hank as he spoke; sharing the older man's tendency to avoid eye contact in times of admission of being in the wrong.

"Here you go with these _feelings_ again, Jay. Like that's going to be something I give a shit about right now." Hank shook his head. "You got the address, I'll give you that. But you were benched on this because you were too emotional and it got the best of you… I'm putting you on furlough for the next three days, you step a foot in this district before that, you're out of the unit." The poignant look her gave Jay made it known that he wasn't expected to respond, other than in agreement to his sergeant's terms.

"Yes sir." He repeated, rising from the chair where he'd faced judgment just as the rest of the team was flooding back in. His eyes zeroed in on her and he could tell from her body language that whatever they found when they'd gotten to that blue Sedan hadn't been good.

Hank followed him out the door but it was Jay she stood in front of, his eyes she stared into, as she delivered the news. "We uh…" She swallowed hard. "He was in the trunk… Ruze and I _tried_ to administer chest compressions but…"

"He was already gone, man." Ruzek finished the sentence for her, clasping them each on the shoulder before walking back to his own desk.

"Halstead, I thought I made myself clear back there!" Hank's guttural voice roared then.

Jay gave Erin a look to communicate they had a lot to talk about, but now wasn't the time. "I'll get Adam to drive me home…" She whispered and she placed a comforting hand on his chest like she'd done so many times before, moving it to squeeze his bicep affectionately before ushering him out, lest he cause another booming reaction from Hank.

She'd stayed at the district for over two more hours after Jay had been not so politely cast out of the bullpen. Time had gone by slowly for each of them as they ached for the other. She desperately wanted to make sure he was alright, but it was no match for the anxiety he felt, obsessed to discover what the fuck was going on with the case. When he finally heard her key in the door, he was already three double whiskey on the rocks in. In her absence, consumed in the guilt and grief of cases just like this both past and present, his resolve had faltered. He'd turned to his old habit of numbing the pain he desperately sought to get rid of. "Sorry, sorry, sorry…" She was apologizing as she came in, even taking the time to take off her shoes and place them neatly at the door like he always asked her to and she never actually did. "My cell died just as I was calling to tell you I was heading home…" She said, moving swiftly towards the couch. Her steps slowed up slightly when she saw the liquor there on the coffee table and wondered how many of these he'd had. When he didn't say anything, she kept speaking. "Hank gave me an earful of my own but… Chatham agreed to give a full confession only if I was in the room so… he didn't really have a choice but to let me at him. I even got him to confess to the case back in Godfrey for that other boy… _you_ were right… and you did everything you could to save that boy… more than anyone else… we only got to him because of you and we only got the information out of Chatham because you persisted and you pushed the boundaries and went with your instincts. I don't care what Hank said to you; he knows that makes you good police."

Though Jay's darkness had fully intended on unleashing itself on Erin in a form of negative, withdrawn, wrathful words, her own words had undone those thoughts instantly. They'd undone him. He was pulling her down to sit and then, instead of snuggling her against his chest like he usually would, he sought comfort in hers instead. He dipped down slightly, his forehead coming to rest against the soft pillowy skin that peaked out from the neckline of her shirt, breathing in her familiar scent, allowing himself a moment of amnesty. Her arms rested at the base of his neck for a little and then, she tapped two fingers under his chin and then slid his face up to make him look at her. "You good, babe?" She asked softly and she felt like she knew the answer and she was really only asking to see if he'd be honest with his response.

"Not even a little." His reply was automatic and she was surprised to hear not only the starkness of that truth, but the way he had been so forthright about it. Even though her heart did falter a bit at the thought of him being so open with her, she was instantly torn up inside as she observed the devastated look on his face. She knew the sadness she saw when she looked in his eyes wasn't just for Jasper Santos or really much to do with the case they'd worked tonight. The pain she saw as she studied his baby blues now obviously ran deep and had roots in him that made it travel more quickly.

"How can I help you?" She whispered, "Don't say nothing, _please_ don't say nothing…" There was desperation in her own tone as she pleaded with him.

His reply was an almost inaudible whispered that had cracked with the emotion that threatened to spill out of his eyes. " _Stay with me… hold me… don't… don't let go… ever."_


	19. Chapter 19

The darkness that she would watch overwhelm Jay in the next few days would make her own seem much more dimly lit.

He'd asked her to stay with him, hold him, not let go; so that's what she'd done that first night. They switched positions from their usual big spoon, little spoon arrangement and instead; it was his back that came to rest against her chest, her arm that snaked through the space between his ribcage and bicep to come to rest comfortingly in the spot on his chest where she could feel his heart beat pounding. She was the one who'd press soft, reassuring kisses to his neck and shoulders, uttering words of love and compassion in attempt to soothe some of the ache that she was well aware was consuming him completely, in spite of all of her efforts. No words would fall from his soft lips that night, though there were times she'd feel his warm tears slip down and sometimes fall against her arm or hand. Those times still spoke to her, even if they were technically silent. He hadn't pushed her away though, or tried to leave, it was still progress.

Despite her best efforts to bring him comfort as long as he needed, he could tell by the shift in her breathing and the way it hit the back of his neck evenly now that she'd fallen asleep. He couldn't be mad, it was almost 3 AM and she'd have to go back to the district in a few hours; so he let her sleep. But sleep wouldn't come for him at all that night. He lay, motionless, slightly rigid even though her wonderfully familiar form had stayed flush against him for the entirety of the night and early morning hours.

When her alarm blared at 6:45, she needed only to take one look at his eyes to know he had spent the night awake. "Did you get any sleep?" She asked, tiredness evident in her own face. It was another question she could easily assume the answer to, but again, she needed to gauge his level of honesty and see if he was here with her or far gone beyond her reaches already.

He shook his head no and it seemed like ages since she'd heard him speak. At least he hadn't lied. She moved to kiss him gently but he turned his head slightly and then rolled over. He wasn't in the mood to feel better and the pure exhaustion currently consuming him made him delirious and unable to think.

She sucked in her breath and forced herself not to make this go from bad to worse so she'd gotten ready in silence and let him be. When she'd strolled to the living room and saw that bottle of whiskey there, she considered what she might do in this situation if she were left alone all day and she promptly grabbed the bottle by its neck and then turned it upside down into the sink, watching the golden brown liquid flow steadily into the basin until the bottle was empty and she was tossing it in the recycling bin. Better to eliminate the temptation, she could care less if he was mad about it.

When she'd gotten to the district she was annoyed to see that even though Hank had done a great job hammering into her how irresponsible her actions had been with letting Jay at Chatham in the cage, she hadn't done herself any favors when she'd compared it to the many times she'd see Hank and even Al do the same or sometimes worse to the scum bags who found themselves unfortunate enough to be in the same position they'd put Chatham in last night. Her quickness to defend her and her partner's actions had found her detailed down to patrol for the next three days in Jay's absence, a fact she was not planning to share with him because she knew that it would only add to the guilt and darkness that were already an insurmountable burden on him.

Ruzek still felt he owed her something from the incident with Rooster so she'd found it easy to pressure him into sharing details and information about what went down up stairs in her absence. Despite the fact that Trudy loved her, Hank had ensured that she was in for 72 hours of torture and he'd seen to it she was partnered with the most chauvinistic beat cop left in the district. Not only did he keep calling her "Little lady" but he rambled on and on about his adoration of Donald Trump, why planned parenthood was just a front for loose women to use abortion as a form of birth control, and a slew of other things that absolutely ground her gears; and she'd only been riding shotgun with him for half a shift at this point.

The stress of riding around with Officer Asshat had only added to her bad mood when she was finally heading home from the first of three hell shifts. She knew she couldn't bring that in to their apartment so, being that it was Wednesday she'd stopped at the grocery store to grab the ingredients to make them something simple for dinner – grilled cheese and a side salad, and tried to force herself to let go of her own shit so she could put him and what he was dealing with at the forefront, for once.

She was almost hoping he wouldn't be home when she got there because if he wasn't that might mean he'd still gone to his group that week and maybe he wasn't as lost inside of his head as she thought. But when she walked in and saw his keys on the table where she'd seen them that morning, she could tell he hadn't gone anywhere. She placed her own set next to his and slid out of her shoes before carrying the groceries to the kitchen and setting them there. She didn't see him on the couch so she padded towards their room where she hoped that she might find him asleep and though he was lying in the middle of their bed, she knew he still hadn't found the solace of slumber yet that day. "Hey… it's Wednesday… I thought I could cook us dinner… just something little but—"

"Not hungry." He interrupted and then rolled to his side away from her again.

This cold shoulder act was taking its toll on her and though she wanted to be patient with him and let him come to her, she was finding it increasingly hard to deal with the outside stresses she was dealing with and this whole thing as well. It didn't always take much to send her over the edge and though she could make herself stick through this for a little while longer, she knew it wasn't long before she'd make a misstep and then things would start to unravel.

She turned to go, she'd fix dinner anyway and maybe he'd feel compelled to eat then, but even as she turned to leave the room, she felt an overwhelming pull to stay. "I'm worried about you." She said softly, though she kept her back to him and stared out the doorway after she'd said that.

She could hear him shift on the bed and knew he'd turned to face her but she didn't dare turn around, lest that be the thing that sent him slinking back into his withdrawn state. "I'm still here, aren't I?" He said, there was no softness to his tone; no sense of love or understanding that was usually implicit in the words he spoke to her, even when they were ones of anger. There just seemed to be nothing in them at all except… emptiness.

"Maybe physically, yes." She ventured, starting to turn around slowly, rotating her head to peek over her shoulder at first to test the waters and when he didn't turn away immediately at that, she chanced it and turned all the way around so she could look at him. "Listen I am trying to do whatever it is you need me to do to help you and if that is leaving you alone, I get it but… I have to be honest with you as your girlfriend—as your _fiancé_ …." She corrected. "As your best friend… as your partner… I don't think that this alone time is helping you at all and… I think it's just dragging you farther into your PTSD-"

As she'd articulated that last word he gave her a look that had cut her off instantly. His words had insured interruption and even though at first what she was saying was somewhat getting through, when she'd mentioned that terrible acronym, he'd let anger replace what he was feeling and it was rage that would envelope his next response, not love or appreciation he knew she deserved. "Don't pretend to know what the fuck is happening with that…"

"I won't!" She said, putting her arms up in defense. "You don't let me in so I know I don't understand… but I really fucking want to!" She added, exasperation in her eyes as well as they searched his for some sign that he could understand that.

"Just leave me alone." He said and he was turning away from her again.

It took _everything_ inside of her to not lash out at him in return, because she was pissed off by how he was acting but she knew that would only push him farther away and if she wanted him back, she couldn't risk doing that. "Really nice move with the whiskey by the way…. especially coming from you, of all people…." He'd rolled slightly so he could look at her to make sure those words cut at her the way he'd wanted them to. "If anyone should be understanding of drowning my problems instead of facing them head on, I'd think it would be you…" She refused to give him the satisfaction of getting her to react to his attempt to rile her up but she couldn't stop the slight glass that coated her eyes and told them both she was fighting not to cry. She simply turned and walked out the bedroom door, slamming it shut behind her with more force than she meant to.

Of course he felt bad after she was gone, but the darkness overwhelming him kept him from pulling himself out of their bed and going after her to apologize and admit that all he really wanted was to be spooned against her or losing himself in the dizzying scent of the shampoo he always found comfort in. Truthfully, he didn't want comfort. Jasper Santos was just another in the long lines of kids he couldn't save. He didn't deserve to have contentment, not now, not ever.

She'd given him five minutes to get his act together and come after her but when she heard absolutely no movement from their bedroom, it was with a slightly wounded heart that she'd gone into the kitchen. Maybe he wasn't going to eat it, but it wasn't going to stop her from looking past the words he'd hurled at her, ones she _knew_ were empty ones, devoid of any real malevolence, and doing her best to support him like he'd done for her when she was at her ugliest. Despite how gorgeous she knew she could look, especially in his eyes; she knew that the ugly sides of her he'd seen had rivaled the one he was showing her now; yet he'd always remained strong and steady even through the worst of it. She had to be strong and steady for both of them now; the way that he'd done for her.

So, she'd fixed him a sandwich and a small salad and wordlessly set them and a bottle of water down next to him on the bed so that at the very least he'd be forced to move them into a more convenient location and maybe it would inspire him to eat or drink _something_ that wasn't the three beers she'd found he'd substituted for the whiskey she'd disposed of.

His words would stop her in her tracks but not because she felt needed. "Let's fuck." He stated, again his words devoid of any emotion that made him seem human, much less like the man she loved.

"I don't think that would be good for either of us right now." She'd responded curtly.

"I thought you said you'd do _anything_ to help me… that's what I want." He stated simply, twisting her words meant to offer him comfort to use them against her instead, and for the first time since she'd gotten home, he rose from the bed.

In spite of he better judgment; she allowed him to pull her in for a rough kiss that just didn't feel right. "Jay…" She turned her head away after a moment and her body was tense; she didn't like this side of him, a side she'd never seen before. "Not like this…" She said softly and the absolute heartbreak evident in her voice seemed to reach him even though he was so far gone; prompting him to let go of her.

There was something he could only describe as fear in her eyes when he looked into them. If she wanted to claim she hadn't been scared when he'd accidentally slammed her back after that nightmare, he knew she couldn't deny that she was now. He was being a monster; he knew that. "There you are." She said softly, because as he considered all of this, she saw the first flicker of _him_ she'd seen since he'd been so quick to dismiss her this morning. "You want me to make love to you? I will… with tenderness… love… empathy… but I don't think that's going to help either… not this time. We need to _talk_ about this Jay…. you need to say it out loud so that you can let it go… please just _trust me_. Let me really be here for you…like you have been for me so many times…" She wasn't even trying to hide the fact she was legitimately begging for him to listen to her now. Sure, his actions had made her feel disgusted, but her love for him was far greater than the temporary bad taste his mistakes at a time like this could leave in her mouth.

"I just want to be alone." He said finally, and he stepped away from her.

She wanted to argue but, it was pointless when he was in this state. "Fine, I'll leave… for now… but you _have_ to eat…" She said, hoping he'd take her bait for a compromise. His eyes shifted to avoid hers and she decided she should just be happy he was staying here once again.

She'd fallen asleep on the couch because she wasn't sure how much space he needed; but when she'd felt his arms sliding under her knees and shoulder's respectively, she realized he had come to get her to bring her to bed and even though she was inclined to speak she didn't want to ruin whatever was about to transpire from him carrying her there. She kept her eyes closed as she let her head rest against his chest until he was laying her down on the bed. When she didn't feel the mattress shift to indicate he was joining her, she'd opened one eye to see if he was still in the room and found him staring at her. "I knew you were awake… you're a light sleeper." He said quietly from where he had posted himself against the wall next to the bathroom door, which was adjacent to the foot of the bed.

"Didn't want to ruin whatever was happening…" She admitted, deciding that the more truthful she was, the more he might feel compelled to offer her the same level of honesty.

He moved to sit next to her on the bed. "I'm sorry." He said softly and she moved closer to him, placing a hand on his knee.

"You don't have to-"

"I do." He said and she stopped because they both knew he was right and he did owe her an apology.

"I've said and done much worse." She confessed.

"Doesn't give me a right to treat you like that though… two wrongs don't make a right and all that bullshit."

"Fair enough." She shrugged and her eyes came to fall on the plate where she noticed he'd eaten half of the sandwich she'd fixed him. _More progress_. "Lay with me?" She requested of him softly.

He lay down next to her and though he attempted to curl into their familiar position, she was pushing at his shoulder so she could be the one to enfold him into her arms again, her chin coming to rest on top of that taught shoulder. "I love you." She whispered and before he could return the sentiment, he'd drifted to sleep for the first time in two days.

Sleep hadn't managed to do all the good she'd hoped it would have for him and when they awoke to her alarm again the next morning, he was withdrawing into himself again.

For the second time, she got dressed in awkward silence and she was disappointed he hadn't even taken the opportunity to look her way even as she'd pointedly tugged her jeans up in slow motion; a move that usually drove him crazy.

Again she spent the day with her "partner" whose name was actually Officer Jared LeVoy, and it had been another excruciatingly sexist comment filled shift that left her wanting to claw out her own eyes. It would make her less prepared to come home to a very dark and eerily quiet apartment. She could tell even without observing that his keys were gone from their usual resting place, indicating that he'd left.

She looked for a note she knew in her heart he hadn't left and then resigned to heating herself up some left over pizza she was pretty sure they'd ordered earlier that week. Again, she'd fallen asleep on the couch, but this time it wasn't him picking her up that woke her; it was the sound of him coming in the door; obviously wasted that had. She couldn't stop the anger that had risen inside of her; rooted in his sheer lack of consideration for her. She wanted to scream at him and her feet had betrayed her and had walked her quickly towards the door where he was drunkenly struggling to take off his boots. She could smell the scent of whiskey on him stronger than cologne. There were so many things she could've said to him in that moment but she went with this: "Let me help you." Were the words that came out, through slightly gritted teeth.

"You're mad…" His slurred words were accompanied by a misplaced laugh and she was already on her knees unlacing his left boot and helping him out of it before she could keep herself from rolling her eyes at him.

"You could have left a note… or texted…" She sighed, despite knowing it was fruitless to engage him in this state.

"Could have… but… _didn't_ …" He shrugged and he stumbled slightly at the rough way his response had caused her to yank off his other boot. He'd confessed to her in the past that he often found himself lashing out at the wrong people when he was lost in what she realized he meant was his PTSD and she was prepared to deal with it; she knew she could take it. Bunny and the other slew of people who'd claimed to love her at various points in her life had helped to ensure that her skin was thick. But, it hurt her to know that she felt Jay was the one person she'd never have to take this from. _It isn't him_ she reminded herself, but even with that knowledge, she still found it hurt to look into his eyes.

"Go to bed." She said firmly and even though she was kind of pissed, she found her hand tucked into his, trying to lead him to their bed where he could sleep it off and hopefully come to his senses and regret his actions the next morning. Only one more day until they were both supposed to return to Intelligence and he seemed pretty far from being ready to report to work. Hell, he didn't seem fit to show up for a job as simple as serving fast food, much less working on one of the most elite units on the Chicago Police Force.

His lips moved to her neck at some point and he was once again looking for that release he craved to numb him more than the alcohol had. So she'd let him stop her on there journey to their bed, and shove her into the wall to press hungry kisses at her neck and down to the place where the neckline of her shirt dipped into a familiar V. It felt good, even if she didn't want it to, and the soft moan that had escaped her lips with the sensation his kisses brought her sensitive chest was what motivated his hand sliding under her shirt to fumble over the smooth fabric of her bra. Seconds later, his hands slid down to her waist and he was hoisting her up so her feet left the ground and then her lips found his with an equal hunger for the closeness they both longed for. Even though her legs had wrapped around his waist and his palm had come to rest under her ass, a place they'd both joked it belonged in the past, she found herself filled with reluctance, even if this felt natural. He was fragile right now, and drunk off his ass, though she wouldn't describe this as a situation where she'd be taking advantage of him in such a state; it also wasn't one she'd want to be with him in. "You're drunk…" Her voice was breathy and his lips moved back to _that_ spot on her neck, the place he knew drove her wild, and as his tongue came out to massage that most sensitive place, she still managed to say the next words. "You have more respect for me than this…" She breathed out and just like that she felt him lowering her down the wall and her feet came to rest back on the worn wooden floorboards. His hands released her completely and he stepped away slightly to take her in and even though he wobbled with drunkenness, he regarded her soberly.

"I'm sorry…" He whispered, swallowing the lump he hadn't even known was in his throat. She leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss his forehead and then his chin came to rest in the nape of her neck, inhaling that shampoo he knew would only further intoxicate him before letting her lead him to bed.

The last day of his unofficial suspension and her obvious punishment was dawning soon enough and once again, her alarm woke them up. She was surprised to find his face nestled against her stomach, the covers tossed wildly from them and pooled on the ground. She wasn't sure when they'd come into this arrangement, but they both stayed there a little longer with his head pressed to the warm bare skin were her t-shirt had ridden up, his arms relaxing at on the sides of her hips. He pressed a lazy kiss to that skin, causing a giggle to fall from her lips, and for a split second it was like everything was okay but as he opened his eyes, the weight of everything going on around him came crashing down. He recoiled himself from her almost instantly. Though his head panged with reminder of last night's seemingly endless rounds of shots he'd done at a dive bar a few blocks over, he had a very clear memory of pawing carnally at her in the hall, treating her body like something he could use for relief and not handling her with love or tenderness that she deserved.

He'd admitted to himself then that he'd allowed himself to slip completely into the darkness he'd always tried to save her from. Not only that, but he'd treated her terribly. She didn't deserve what he'd put her through. The realization brought tears to his eyes and he was trying to blink them away before she noticed but it was too late. "Jay?" Her all too empathetic tone was one he knew he didn't deserve at all right now.

"I'm no good for you…" He said, when his eyes met hers and then drifted to the place where she left her engagement ring on the bedside table next to her phone. He spoke the next words with the sole purpose of destroying her to the point where she might finally give up on him. They were so terrible that he couldn't even manage to say them, not really, but the sentiment was there and as he spoke them, her face told him he was pushing her dangerously to the point of breaking down. "We… I… we shouldn't…maybe this is a mistake" And then his hand was clasping the ring and his heart was beating so loudly that he wasn't sure he'd hear her when she responded.

"Don't you dare…" Her eyes shifted from a look of what he'd read as pity to one that could not be confused as anything except the rage that was present there. She was lunging towards his hand and he swiped his now closed fist out of her reach. "That's _mine_ … I decide if I give it back…" She defended and even though she didn't want them to, tears sprung in her eyes. "You didn't mean that and we both know it and I'm going to forget you ever even implied that or…" She motioned to where he still held her ring hostage to show how much that action had destroyed her, "… because… I just cannot deal with it in an evenly remotely constructive way because there is absolutely _no_ situation in which that is an option….EVER!" Her voice was loud and harsh with emotion and then his hand was extended forwarded in silent concession and rather than just handing her the ring, he was sliding it onto her finger where they both knew he still wanted it.

"Fine, you don't want to talk? FINE. I'll let you sit here alone in this misery that I know is killing you and taking all your strength… look at all the stupid shit it's aking you do…" Then, realization seemed to flicker in her eyes. "You spoke to my darkness before…" She said through tears before shaking her head and trying to keep them from dissolving into sobs. She took several gulps of air before she found herself addressing him in the same way he had those weeks ago. "So darkness…. I need you to get the fuck out of Jay's head because this is not _him…_ this is _you_ and _you_ are scaring me now… okay? You wanted me to be scared of Jay and I told you I wasn't so you kept pushing well now I'm scared… I'm scared you are going to do something stupid that we can't take back and… I refuse to let that happen. So stop. Don't do this to us. Let him out! Let him come back to me…." She didn't mean for her words to be coated in such fury but she was practically screaming them at him and then tears formed in his eyes too and he was pulling her in and hugging her, rocking her back and forth as they both bawled.

There was so much he both wanted and needed to say to her but the words didn't come as they sat there with their arms around each other for far too long. She was going to be late for work and she could only imagine what terrible things she'd endure from Officer LeVoy when she finally rolled up. Not going in at all was a fleeting thought in her mind but she knew that this was all really a test from Voight and she didn't want to find out what would happen if she failed by bailing on the last day of his little lesson. She wasn't sure what was going to happen when she left him there with so many things unsaid but she didn't have a choice right now. "I have to go…" She whispered into his neck and then he was letting go of her and she was dressing faster than she ever had before and basically sprinting down the stairs.

Her poignant addressing of his dark side had done more good than she may have known since they'd merely sat there together for so long in silence after she'd spoken her truth to him. He was glad she'd yelled – he needed her to in order to actually hear it. The pain he'd seen in her eyes when she'd forced him to look into hers; really look into them, had been his wake up call. He'd told her before that they were stronger than her darkness, that together they could face anything, and instead of honoring that in his own time of need; he'd done even worse by her than she ever had by him; at least in his mind. _How_ could he have done this? He was disgusted with himself.

He took a sobering showering; the water cranked so hot that it had filled the entirety of their small bathroom with steam and left small red marks on his skin from where the stream of water had permeated it. He stayed in the shower's stream until the water had changed for scorching to freezing and then he stepped out to face the sobering reality he'd created for himself over the last three days.

His first act of absolution was to follow her lead from the first day she'd left him here alone and he poured out the six remaining beers from the eighteen pack he'd bought yesterday before deciding to turn to something harder and opting for that dive bar's bottom of the barrel caliber whiskey. Next came the bottle of Vodka that sat untouched yet half drunken in their freezer. They were all temptations neither of them needed around. They had healthier ways of dealing with their pain now, he'd just let him self get lost in old excuses and behaviors that he felt were justified because he was hurting. Anything to make the pain go away, right? But he knew it had almost had a far too great an expense on him, on them, and he had to pull himself out of it before he was dragging her down with him. He couldn't run away from her again to avoid this pain; he knew they were in too deep now. Even if he left; he'd still be taking her down with him. The only difference would be he'd be bringing her down and leaving her alone to deal with it. That was something he'd promised he would never do to her again when he'd come back to her those weeks ago, yet here he was. Though he hadn't left their apartment this time, he'd still created millions of miles between them. He hated himself even more for doing that to her – to them.

He'd contemplated writing her another letter to explain how he felt and how this had all happened to them but he knew he owed her a real face-to-face conversation, even if it was hard and unnatural to him, she'd toughed it out for his sake before.

By the time she got home from her final shitty day working the beat with LeVoy, he'd already done all of their laundry and cleaned the messes he'd uncharacteristically created around their living space over the past few days.

It was his turn to cook, he'd decided so he'd even forced himself out of the house to grab a couple steaks and some potatoes and broccoli that he'd prepare and cook on that indoor grill she'd gotten for him last Christmas after months of listening to him complain about how hard it was to get a decent sear on a steak in a pan on top of the stove; words that were honestly lost on her. He'd smiled at the memory of that as he'd cooked and he loaded her potato up with all of her most favorite unhealthy toppings just as she walked in.

She was surprised to be greeted by the amazing smells coming from their kitchen and she kept her guard up slightly as she ventured in to the room to find him.

He started talking before she had a chance to; "I fucked up, bad… way too many times these last three days… you tried to be there and I pushed you away… and I…" His eyes cast down in shame at what he was going to say next; "I should never have…."

"Jay…" She interrupted him; she didn't want to hear him say anything else. He was back; that was all she needed. "I don't care about any of that I'm just so happy you came back to me…" She didn't fight the tears that welled up in her eyes as he drew her against his chest and she said nothing as she felt his shoulders shake with a sadness closely mirroring her own.


	20. Chapter 20

The dinner he'd prepared them had filled them up and they didn't need alcohol to feel intoxicated that night; the kisses they shared were powerful sources of inebriation on their own. They'd fallen asleep with swollen lips still pressed together, arms and legs tangled.

He'd only gotten an hour of that harmonious reprieve before he was waking up again. Her leg was hitched over his waist with her right arm parallel to it, splayed across his chest; her face was buried in between a pillow and his ribcage. The feel of her there; _all_ around him was enough to lull him back into that peaceful dream state for awhile longer and when his eyes opened again, he found that another hour had passed.

He knew this time; even the comfort of her warm, soft skin wasn't enough to make his eyelids heavy again. He sat up slightly, propping himself up on his elbows which caused her to stir faintly and then roll onto her other side, moving marginally away from him. As soon as the feel of her pressed against his side had vanished; he felt instantly colder. He lowered himself back down and reached for her, pulling her back towards him abruptly, selfishly; he knew that such a swift action would wake her and if he was being honest that was part of why he'd done it.

"Jay?" She blinked the sleep from her eyes, squinting in the darkness that surrounded them. "Everything okay?" She asked, suddenly more aware that there might be a reason why he was awake at this hour. There had been more alertness in her voice as she'd posed that second question.

"Sorry…" He was suddenly embarrassed but yet still compelled to admit; "You moved away from me and I just… needed you back."

"You never have to apologize for that;" And he knew her dimples were showing even in the almost pitch blackness that overtook them. She was flush against him instantly; placing a sleepy kiss to the three days old stubble she was going to miss when he inevitably shaved it in the morning before they headed into work.

"I know the timing isn't ideal but…" Why was he suddenly compelled to share things with her now; 2:15 AM wasn't exactly the idyllic time for a heart to heart.

She couldn't care _less_ what time it was; she would be ready and willing to listen anytime he wanted. "Shh… no such thing; just start talking…" She interrupted his would be apology.

He nodded and his hand came to her hip, trailing his fingers against her thigh lightly up and down; it soothed them both. "I don't know where to begin but… " The words would still come even though he hadn't prepared himself for what he was about to say. "When I was over there… you just see and do things that were completely unfathomable before you got there and it changes you whether you want it to or not… you see so many people around you die and you wonder what it is you've done to deserve still being here when they're gone… especially when you know they have wives and children back home and… after I lost my mom… I didn't have a lot I was worried about coming back home to. It made me… ruthless… maybe some would even say reckless. I tried to tell myself it was fearlessness…. but I think deep down I knew it was just _stupidity…_ and a blatant disregard for my own wellbeing _._ " His fingers had moved to her upper arm and he wasn't sure if it was the pattern he traced there or his words he'd just spoken that had caused her skin to prickle with goose bumps.

"When I got Mouse the job with Intelligence I didn't really consider how many of those repressed memories would be drummed up. He always wanted to talk or bring up stories and I… I just _couldn't_ … maybe that's how he wanted to deal with them but even after all that time I… I just hate letting myself go there… but he'd tell the tiniest snippet of a story and I'd be _right back there_ …" His fingers walked back down to her hip and pulled her even closer against him; because somehow the more of her he could feel the easier it seemed to be to keep talking. "The person I've been… it's not someone to be proud of… lots of people give me instant respect when they hear I was a Ranger but… if they knew even _half_ of what we… of what _I_ did…" He swallowed hard. "They wouldn't be patting me on the back and thanking me for my service. What I did to Chatham in the cage is child's play compared to what I've done to get back at the people who-" He stopped himself because it was too painful to continue and even though he wanted to share every part of him with her now, he couldn't even bring himself to speak those words out loud, lest he hear them himself.

Her hands moved to steady his face so it was trained on her own, forcing him to look into her eyes before she spoke words she hoped he'd really _hear_ her say right now. "You did what you had to do to survive… and I don't care what it was you did or how awful it might have been because without it… you might never end up here and… I'm sorry but…. if it lead you here… to me… then it…" It was her turn to be selfish. "Maybe you didn't have a wife or children when you were over there but… _I_ needed you… even if I didn't know it…" Her eyes were welling with tears and she hoped that the sentiment of her message wasn't lost in the seemingly cheesiness of it, because she meant it completely; with every fiber that composed her. "Whatever you've done… whatever you can't forgive yourself for… let me do it for you because it brought you here… to a place where I am folded up in your arms, and it's the safest place I've ever known. There is no one in the world who can tell me that this isn't why you needed to survive… why I survived my own terrible struggles to get here…"

He hadn't known what he would need to hear to allow himself to begin to let go of some of that stress and torment that had been the building blocks of his suffering from the depressive disorder that had consumed to many of his fellow brothers and sisters in arms. His own tears would rim his eyes at her words and maybe he wasn't ready to say it out loud but those words… her _forgiveness_ … it relieved some of the pressure that had been building in his chest over not just the past three days, but as long as he could remember, it seemed. And for the first time since admitting he was struggling with the dark animal that was his PTSD, he felt like the part he'd just let go of wouldn't come back to haunt him again.

His lips found hers and he as murmuring his thanks against them before capturing them in a deep kiss. He knew then that those lips… the feel of her skin… those were the the cure for his silent struggles and he wasn't going to turn to any of those old remedies anymore…. he'd promise it out loud this time so he'd be forced to honor it. "I don't want to be that guy I've been these last few days… you… you deserve so much better than what I gave you…" His eyes had adjusted more to the dark now and he could faintly see the way her facial features crested like she was about to talk so he made sure to keep going before she had a chance to start offering more of her forgiveness before he was truly worthy of it. "I didn't just shut you out… I said mean things… I treated you like…." He was suddenly so ashamed of himself he wanted to put distance between them because he _truly_ didn't deserve to be tangled up in her sweet smelling embrace after what he'd done… it occurred to him suddenly he literally knew nothing about how the last three days had been for her. "To say you deserve better is a dire understatement because there are no words I can even come up with to describe how much I regret what I've done… what I said… how I treated you…"

"Jay… I know what the darkness can do to a person when it's taken over… I can't pretend these past three days haven't taken a toll on me…. but we are stronger for having gone through it… just like we were when it was my darkness that was trying to destroy us… this is life Jay… it's real and it's raw and it is quite often terrible but… we can survive anything together I think we've shown each other that… I would endure years exactly like these past few days if it allowed me even an hour of the happiness you've brought to my life…"

Her clemency washed over him again and once more, he felt another heavy piece that had been weighing him down break apart and crumble away. "Erin…" His lips would find hers again and they sought to show her more of that happiness, to renew that sacred part of their love that he'd dishonored the nights before.

There was nothing rushed about the way his hands explored her now, memorizing her skin as if each part of her body was written across in braille and if he ran his fingers over those places they'd be forever engrained in him. His lips had only left hers when he was tugging her shirt over her head and discarding it as he pulled her up to sit in front of him. They took their time with each other and those last couple articles of clothing were finally off when he, still sitting up, had pulled her into his lap so that she was facing him; their eyes locked during that first thrust that would soon turn passionate and intense.

Tears would slip from her eyes as she found the apex of pleasure first, her hands gripping his strong shoulders as her body shook with every ounce of the hedonistic explosiveness that coursed through her then, seeming to flow onto him as she'd finally collapsed against his strong, well defined chest. He laid her on his back and found his own ardent release moments later, his lips still against hers as helpless moans escaped them; his own eyes would gloss over with tears.

After finding release, sleep had taken them both and they managed a decent couple of hours before they would get ready for work together again for the first time in three mornings. Though; they often found themselves interrupting the other's process with kisses and the removal of clothing the other had _just_ put on. The happiness was a simple one; but it was still all consuming.

They'd find a few more stolen moments of this unfamiliar contentment before it would be slightly dampened upon their return to the District. "The prodigal plain closed children return… hope you both learned your lesson… although I still say Jay got the better end of the deal… did you tell LeVoy hi for me, Linds? Real sweet guy, right? You must've really pissed off Hank to deserve-" Trudy's greeting to the pair of them was cut short as Erin gave her a pleading look.

Jay gave Erin a confused glance and she cast Platt another helpless look before she was busying herself with something else and she was scanning her prints. "What was that about?" He asked her as she drew the door open.

"Okay… I should've told you in the interest of honesty but… there wasn't exactly a good time…" She was speaking quickly as they headed up the stairs before the inevitable teasing she'd face from her coworkers could commence and interrupt her. "Hank… _sentenced_ me to patrol for the past three days… I got partnered with Officer LeVoy… not exactly what I'd call progressive police… but it was whatever… he made his point and now we're back and we aren't going to do anything stupid to fuck things up. We need to keep our names off of Voight's shit list for at least a couple weeks…"

Jay was irritated, both because Hank had punished Erin for helping him and because she'd gone through that and he'd been oblivious because he hadn't cared to ask her about how her life had been in the past 72 hours beyond what he knew from inside the walls of their apartment.

She was reading his mind and her words would stop him before this could send him backwards from the previous night's progress. "Don't beat yourself up… we're past it… after this morning's…" Her lusty sigh did enough to indicate what she was referencing. She didn't have to say the words for him to know what part of the morning's sensual acts she was referring to "… it's a clean slate, okay?" She squeezed his hand reassuringly and then moved to her desk.

The morning would be spent bringing them up to speed on the new case and they both found their minds drifting to the early morning lovemaking and whispered confessions that had brought them closer than ever.

Hank had hardly addressed the elephant in the room and they were all content to ignore it right along with him until it had seemingly vanished and things were back to normal in the bullpen. Each of them would welcome this return to routine.

They were sitting on the floor cross-legged eating Indian food later that night, when she'd gotten a glisten in her eye. "What are you doing in two Saturdays?" She asked him before taking a bite of the Tandoori chicken she'd stolen off his plate.

"Seems like you're about to tell me…" He winked, leaning his back against the couch.

"That backyard in Wicker Park… they said _any_ time we want right?"

Excitement would gleam in his eyes now too and he was already reaching for his phone when he asked her the next question, "You serious? Because if you are I'll—" 

She interrupted, "Completely serious." She said, her heart fluttering in her chest. She had an idea for her dress that didn't involve the store and the beautiful thing about that gorgeous backyard was that it didn't need many decorations beyond some fairy lights. She new a crime scene photographer who did weddings on the side who owed her a favor so short of finding a way to feed their friends and buy a cake she could smear across his precious face… there wasn't a lot she felt needed to be done for them to pull this off.

"I will make the call…" And he was kissing her firmly on the lips as he hit send after finding his friend's parent's names in his contact and then his lips trailed down her neck until the other line had picked up and he was disappearing into the bedroom to talk logistics. "Mrs. Edwards… how are you doing on this lovely night…" His voice trailed off as he closed the door behind him.

He'd been in there for fifteen minutes when she decided that what she wanted to ask Hank would be better handled in person than on the phone so she'd poked her head into the bathroom and told him she was going to get dessert and she'd be back soon.

The drive to Voight's place was pretty much automatic for her at this point and it was essentially like being on autopilot. She was parking in front of only place that housed good memories for her before she'd been blessed to know Jay Halstead. It felt weird knocking on the door but she did anyway, knowing she should've called or texted him to tell him she was coming over.

True, their relationship had experienced some strain lately and she wasn't exactly thrilled with the way he'd handled her involvement in Jay's outburst… or the whole situation with Bunny… but at the end of the day, he was her family. She could tell he shared similar sentiments when he'd pulled back that heavy door to reveal her small, familiar figure. Before he could voice a greeting she was asking him that question that had brought her here. "What size is Camille's wedding dress?" And she was pushing her way in as intrusively as she always had since the first time he'd let her in this place.

His eyes glistened with a mix of tears and adoration as he smiled at her and then wordlessly descended into his bedroom where the closet still had too many of Camille's things that he just couldn't bring himself to put into boxes or get rid of. The back of their closet was where the perfectly preserved box containing that simple lace bodice, corset dress that would hug her hips and then flare into a trumpet at the knees.

She'd memorized the picture of Camille in that dress, Hank with his head thrown back in delirious happiness as someone had captured a picture of him dipping her during their first dance. Erin had taken the picture up to her room on more than one occasion, imaging that one day she would find someone that could make her that happy; love her that deeply. Finally, she had exactly that; maybe even more because what they had already gone through together rivaled some of the darkest tribulations of Camille and Hank's relationship. The realization of this brought goose bumps to prickle her skin again.

Hank was an odd person to be helping her into that wedding dress, but after he'd retrieved it from the closet she had to try it on that instant and he was the only one there. He'd told her to do it herself and when she'd insisted it was impossible he'd covered her eyes making her promise that all the strange bits of her he'd never want to see were covered before he'd unshielded his vision and moved to help her. His thick fingers were surprisingly deft and he swatted away the YouTube video she was trying to show him on how to lace a corset, but still managed to bind her into it perfectly and then she was stepping over to stand in front of the large floor length mirror a few feet away.

The sight of her took away their breath concurrently and tears sprung from his eyes first. "I'd say it fits…" He said, his voice thicker than usual, his face turning red as he brought his hand up to his mouth. "She would have _loved_ to see you in this…" He said, and for only about the fourth time in her life, she saw a couple tears fall from his eyes.

"Hank…" His name came out with tears of her own and as she looked at the way he studied her in the mirror she was overcome by how much she whished Camille would be there to share in this moment with them.

As he often did, Hank seemed to read her mind. "Trust me kid, she's here…" And then she'd turned to hug him tightly and they held each other for a while until they'd both managed to swallow the emotions they didn't often show one another.

"You free to come to a wedding Saturday, two weeks from now?" She'd asked, after reemerging from Hanks bedroom wearing the clothes she'd arrived in, Camille's dress tucked gently over her arm. She'd phrased it that way to keep herself from crying with a question she'd been burning to ask since he'd tied her into that amazing dress.

Hank had gone down to the basement while she finished changing to get her an old dress bag to put the gown in and it was with a large smile like the one he'd worn in that picture of him and Camille that had grown on his face. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else." He'd answered, hugging her tightly again.

"Make sure you get your blues pressed… it'll be nice for you to wear them some place other than in front of a review board for a change…" She teased. They hugged once more before she was back in her car, checking on the dress every few miles, driving more carefully home than she had in her entire life.

Jay was waiting up for her when she returned and when his eyes fell on that black garment bag, his eyes lit up. "Is that…"

"Shh… you aren't allowed to see this… look away!" She said, and then she was padding down the hall to put the dress securely into their closet, she lazily dumped some of her less worn articles of clothing onto the floor to make room for it. Usually, Jay hated when she made a mess, but she figured he'd take exception to it this one time.

When she reemerged from their bedroom, she joined him on the couch, settling into that spot in the crook of his arm he'd sworn was made just to fit her. "We're all set for that Saturday… they said we can pick up the keys the Thursday before and they were already planning to go visit some friends who have a cabin in the Poconos in New York so…" Their lips came together again and they shared in the delight that they weren't just engaged anymore… this was happening…. soon!

"I was playing on my macbook while you were gone and I…" He turned the screen towards her. "I was just kind of fooling around with making an invitation because I was bored…" That was an understatement. On the screen there was the most perfectly designed, simple invite that he'd obviously put a lot of thought into.

"I love it… order them!" She said, pressing another kiss to his lips. Then, a little reluctantly, she was adding; "Listen it might be every _normal_ little girl's dream to plan their wedding to the most finite detail but…"

"Say no more… and I will take over…" Jay, ever the organizer and planner, was more than happy to take care of details that he knew Erin was less than concerned with. They spent the rest of the evening browsing on Pinterest (Jay was the one who already had an account on the site, _not_ Erin). And her eyes were becoming heavy with sleep, as they'd pinned a color palette and framework for their shared vision. He instantly regretted wasting his three-day furlough losing himself in depression instead of performing productive tasks like these.

"Let's get you to bed…" He'd said with lips pressed to her temple as she'd drifted off for the third time, her head coming to rest against his shoulder this round.

"Hmm? What? No, I'm awake…." She blinked her eyes back open and he smiled.

"You so aren't… come here…" He closed the laptop and set it on the coffee table before drawing her into his lap and administering a series of chaste kisses to her lips. "I love you so much, Erin…" He whispered, and their foreheads were resting together in gentle connection.

"Love you more," She'd whispered back and though he _knew_ that was impossible, he'd let her get away with that claim as, for the second time that week, he carried her carefully to bed.


	21. Chapter 21

"I hear Northern Wisconsin is supposed to be nice," She responded to his question about ideas for their honeymoon as the drove back from interviewing a few witnesses to a series of boat robberies in a boatyard near Navy Pier.

"Well, it is… but no… I was thinking more like the kind of place where the only acceptable clothing for you to wear is a bikini or nothing…" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at her.

"Don't kill me but I'm pretty sure my passport is expired…" She bit her lip, trying to think of a way that she could fix that problem in the next ten days. _Ten days_ …. that realization struck her. "Jay!" She practically shouted his name, "We're getting married in 10 days! I don't care _where_ you take me just make sure wherever it is we can be left alone… and that the walls are _thick_ …" It was her turn to wiggle her eyebrows at him and then they were parking at the district, walking up stairs together.

"Halstead!" Hank's voice sounded from his office as he entered the bullpen. Hank had sent them straight to the boatyard, so it was their first time seeing him that day.

Being called into Hank's office alone usually wasn't a good thing, especially when his request for you to join him ended, as it would for him now, with the phrase; "Close the door."

Preparing himself for the worst, Jay did just that. "Something on your mind Sarge?" He asked, acutely aware of the slight shakiness his voice had taken at that question.

"I know Erin isn't a very traditional woman but, what can I say, I'm old fashioned when it comes to certain things and… it's the bride's family who pays for the wedding and… I'm not taking no for an answer so just… take the envelope and treat her to the kind of…. well…. just give her what she deserves. Now… get out of here…" He'd handed Jay a cream colored envelope and by the weight of it, he knew it was a significant amount.

"Wow Hank… thank you, so much… but… Erin… she'll never let me accept this…"

"I agree, which is why I gave it to you and you're not going to tell her about it…" Hank gave him a warning look.

"With all do respect, sir… I'm not sure if we should enter into our marriage with a lie of this proportion hanging over us…" Jay defended nervously.

Hank considered this and then sighed, moving to open the door. "Lindsay," And he was nodding at her to join them.

She looked up from her desk with her own look of nervousness and then Hank was rolling his eyes ands he was standing up, walking in and when he'd shut the door behind her he was taking the envelope from Jay's hands and placing it into Erin's. "If you're trying to convince us to not get married I swear to-" She started, but Hank interrupted her before she could make an ass of herself.

"Camille and I used to talk about the day that we'd dance at your wedding… so you're not saying no to this, because _she_ would want you to take it. And I think, since you're wearing her dress, you kind of owe it to her to accept this."

Erin looked down at the envelope in her hand and pulled the flap open to reveal a stack of bills that were all hundreds, her eyes widened. "Hank… this is…" her fingers skimmed through the bills.. "There's like _six thousand dollars_ here… Hank… I appreciate the offer but…it's _way_ too much…"

"I'm old Erin, let me spend my money in the ways that make me happy… you're starting a life together… spend some on the wedding, go on a big honey moon… well not more than a week, I can't be down two detectives that long…" He winked. "Then keep the rest as a nest egg, for when you want to buy a house or… _start a family_." He mumbled that last part and shrugged. "Like I told Jay… I'm not taking no for an answer, I tried to get him to take it without telling you but his moral compass wouldn't let him lie to you…"

Erin smiled over at Jay and then looked back down at the envelope. "Hank…" She sighed again. "Thank you…" She finally breathed and she moved to hug him gently before he was shooing them from his office and she was securing that envelope in her purse, still dumbfounded.

They wouldn't have a chance to talk again until lunch because Erin had spent the past two hours diligently watching security footage from several private cameras related to the boatyard robberies.

Jay had been highly productive that morning but had managed to mostly work on planning out their honeymoon more than doing actual work.

"Picture this…" He began, as they walked downstairs to a row of food trucks parked outside the district. "We fly into the Miami airport, spend a night on South Beach maybe go out dancing… then we rent a car, but not just _any_ car… I know this _guy…" Of course he did._ "He restores old cars and rents them out… I was looking at the website he has a cherry red, '65 Mustang convertible… it's available for the Sunday after our wedding… we rent it…. drive from Miami down to Key West… I found this resort… they only house 30 guests at a time… fully private bungalows with hammocks and private beach access…"

"All I heard was… Miami… Key West… lots of privacy for _really_ loud sex…" She smiled and kissed him gingerly at the corner of his mouth, "Sign me up, baby!" She grinned, patting his shoulder as they surveyed their options for food.

Ruzek and Atwater walked over to them just then, carrying their own Food Truck fares. "So… since Lindsay is one of the boys… we were thinking we could do a joint bachelor/bachelorette for you guys… you cool with a stripper, Linds?" Adam had asked, smirking.

"Pretty sure I'd be more okay with a stripper than Jay…" Erin smiled, tucking her hand into her fiancé's back pocket. "He was the one who was freaking out when we went to that sex club…." She teased, remembering how he'd been so uncomfortable as they'd entered. The five hours they spent there had certainly warmed him up. Even though they weren't technically together then, the feelings were there and even if they hadn't truly acted on their urges, they'd exchanged stolen touches and their lips had brushed against cheeks and bared shoulders in a tantalizing preview of what _could_ be.

"So, sex club is on the table? Nice!" Ruzek was lifting his arm for a high five that would be reciprocated by no one, so he slapped his own hand; his words annoying Lindsay more as they'd drawn her out of that happy memory. She glared at him briefly; but he didn't even know why.

"Not quite." She giggled. "Settle down Ruzek…" She rolled her eyes, but stole one of the fries off of his tray. "What the fuck is that heavenly concoction."

"Philly cheesesteak fries, baby. From the truck over there," He motioned towards an orange and red vendor two spots down.

Though her heart said Philly cheesesteak fries, her hips, that had fit a little _too_ snuggly in Camille's dress were saying Raw Juice bar, so she'd kissed Jay lightly and headed over to the truck labeled "KROP" and ordered a Kale and Spinach Superfood Smoothie, while Jay got some Korean BBQ that looked far better than the green goop she was going to call her lunch. "You see the scarifies I make to look good for you?" She asked him when she'd come back to his side again, brandishing her smoothie as he dug into his bowl of Mongolian beef.

She'd be surprised to find their conversation hadn't drifted from the topic she'd left them discussing when Kevin spoke up. "Well Kim's idea was an Escape Room so we shot that down…" He laughed, "But we cannot just find ourselves at Molly's… parties are my thing man, we got to go big on this!"

"Listen… I want to dance… that's my requirement… the rest is up to you. I'm down for _anything_." That was sentence she would later come to regret.

"Anything?" The boys she'd describe as her big little brothers had said in unison and the devious looks in their eyes made her think that she needed to rephrase that.

"Well…" 

"No! You already said it, you can't take it back now!" Ruzek protested, and then he was waving his tray of fries under her nose in an attempt to distract her with food. His tactic would totally work on her.

"Fine." She conceded with a shrug. "Chances are, whatever you plan will reach Jay's limits first so I'm protected!" She grinned and then turned to look at her fiancé as he scoffed.

"I'm not sure I like what you're trying to imply there, _little lady._ " He teased back, using the nickname she'd finally told him LeVoy had called her and instead of eliciting his sympathies, it had become his new favorite way to rile her up.

"Listen if one of us is the prude then, we both know it isn't me and before Ruzek has some weird fantasy about what that might mean… this conversation is over." Erin looked him up in down with eyes that would cause his breath to catch in his throat, but it was the way she bit her lip that had him helpless to her charms. She turned around with a little extra swivel in her hips and strolled ahead of them to head back inside. Though she'd just been playing coy, she couldn't help but throw a laugh over her shoulder at what Ruzek would say next`

"Well I wouldn't have had the weird fantasy but now that you've mentioned it…" His words would be met with an eye roll from her and a glare from Jay, the later of the two would cause Adam to put his hands up in surrender, but they'd all share a smile as they made their way back to the bullpen.

"Erin," Hanks eyes were full of bemusement when they'd all crested the staircase and it was almost eerier to see that emotion in his eyes than it would've been to see rage. "You'll never guess who Al was interviewing as an eye witness in the boatyard case… Sam Martin…Al just finished but Sam had some time and wanted to wait for you to get back from lunch…" The mention of that name would cause Erin's own eyes to light up now, "Interrogation 1" He'd add, and Erin wouldn't even bother to so much as address Jay as she was busy putting her gun into the safe and then nearly running out of the room.

Jay cast a confused look after her and then shifted his eyes to Hank. "Sam Martin?" He asked.

"Erin's…." He seemed to take his time specifically to torture Jay. "… first love." The glean in Hank's eye told him there was way more to this story then that but he couldn't lie, he as intrigued. As were Ruzek and Atwater, which was why they were both following close behind him as he headed to the two-way mirror to assess this _guy_ for himself.

Kev and Adam had purposely gotten in Jay's way so that he'd be the last to see the man who'd once held his fiancé's heart and who she'd been almost a little _too_ eager to see if you asked Jay. But the hearty laugh that came out of Atwater made Adam let go of the shoving match he'd engaged the taller man in and they were both entering the room to find what it was that Kevin found so hilarious. "Looks like our Sam is a… _Samantha_ …"

"Yeah… the weird fantasy is _definitely_ happening now…" Adam smirked, prompting Jay to smack him in the back of the head.

"That's my fiancé you're talking about." He glared, though his voice was still light and joking. However, as his eyes landed on the red head that was currently hugging his girlfriend, and he couldn't help but have some material for a fantasy of his own.

Deciding it was weird to stay for the women's conversation, the guys and slunk back upstairs and they were all sitting at their desks waiting patiently for Erin's return because they were _dying_ to know the story there.

She'd feel all three pairs of eyes on her when she walked back in, "What?" She asked, laughing gently.

"Whose _Sam Martin_?" Jay would ask, articulating that name in a way that clued her in that Hank _must've_ put in his head. Tilting his head to the side as he folded his arms over his chest, amusement was evident on his face.

"What did Hank say?" She asked, her arms crossing over her own chest now and Ruzek and Adam were up instantly and moving in to hear what would progress from this story.

"Don't worry about what Hank said…" Jay laughed, "Inquiring minds want to hear your side of it…" The three men, now standing in a row in front of her, would nod their heads in unison.

"Sam and I met at an all girl's summer camp—" She'd be interrupted by a series of whoops and woos coming from Adam and Kevin and she noticed the most adorable blush tinting Jay's cheeks. "Relax _boys_ it isn't that kind of story…" She rolled her eyes. "Hank always jokes around and says that she was my girl friend because she was the first and _only_ person I ever brought over to his place for dinner after I'd moved out. He cooked for us and spent the whole meal trying to decide if I was trying to tell him she was my girlfriend and when I realized what was going on I may have had a _little fun_ with it…" She wrinkled her nose in amusement as she recalled a great memory for the second time that day. "It was totally PG though so… get your minds out of the gutter." She angled herself towards Hank's office and called out to him. "You have a twisted sense of humor old man!"

"So… got any stories from his summer camp, Linds? It sounds _very_ fascinating." Adam would grin at her, eliciting another roll of her eyes and she'd ignore them for the rest of the afternoon as she got some of her work done.

Jay would revisit the conversation later that night as he lay next to her in bed. "So this Sam girl must've been pretty important to you if you brought her to meet Hank… I'm not buying that this wasn't _that_ kind of story…" He mused, pulling her towards him and sneaking his hand up the back of her shirt to run his thumb over her shoulder blades.

A slight blush would tint her cheeks, "Okay so we made out a _couple_ of times when I went to visit her in college and I stayed in her dorm… what can I say, I wanted the whole college experience while I was there. It was totally harmless… it's not like we dated or something. You don't have to be _jealous_ …." She winked, kissing his forehead. "I don't know… she was kind of like a best friend I guess? But she was mostly just…" She shrugged. "Everything I wasn't…" She smiled gently. "Sam's parents have a yacht at the boat yard; that's why she was there to be an eye witness… she's _that_ kind of rich… the summer after high school…I got a scholarship through the foster care system to go to this ridiculous camp and Hank and Camille insisted I go and it was three weeks long and it was _full_ of girls just like the bitches I'd finally rid myself from after three years at St. Ignatius. I had only been there an hour and I'd already called and begged Hank to pick me up…" She smiled gently. "And then… I met Sam… and she was amazing. She was into the same bands I was and she was an amazing artist… she'd draw tattoo designs on my arms with sharpies that entire three weeks…. she knew I was different and I didn't belong there and she still liked me… hell I think that's _why_ she liked me. She didn't fit in either… so we were misfits together. We stayed in touch after camp… she got accepted into U of C… I went to visit… brought her to meet Hank… but…" She shrugged. "Then she fell in love with me and I wasn't gay and things got kind of weird between us but… now she has a wife so…. it's all good! Oh and… I may have invited them to our wedding." She giggled and his lips found hers.

"Well that story was for more adorable and far less dirty than I was hoping it to be but… I guess I'm kind of relieved. I like to pretend I'm the only person you've ever loved…" He admitted.

"You are…" She said, quite seriously, and then her lips were finding his to communicate more clearly the passion behind her words.

"So are you…" He confessed, and then he was kissing her with a mirrored passion. They'd kiss like that for a while before her eyelids were feeling full of lead and she moved to snuggle against his chest instead.

"So did you book that trip to Miami?" She asked, pressing a lazy kiss to his right collarbone.

"I did, first class! And I already filed the paperwork with Platt for our vacation time… so now you need to buy a bunch of bikinis because that is legitimately all you need to wear for the entirety of the trip… and make sure they are the ones that untie easily because as I mentioned… _private_ beach access…"

His words would stir her out of that sleepy stupor for a while longer. "Someone's trying to prove he isn't the prude…"

"Mmhmm… we'll see… I happen to _know_ what Ruze and Kev have planned for this party… which is _this_ Friday apparently… and… let's just say you shouldn't have combined _dance_ and _down for_ _anything_ into any type of sentence you said to _either_ of those two…"

"Jay…." Erin's eyes went wide. "What do you know?"

"Oh… I'm not telling you… you're _adventurous_ plus… its kind of fun watching you squirm…" He kissed her teasingly in _that_ spot.

"Oh no you don't try distracting me with…" But her words would be cut short as he did just that, continuing to focus his lips an attention on that patch of skin on her neck that he'd discovered could drive her _crazy_ on their first night together.

"Okay… I'll stop…" He murmured against her neck, knowing he'd done enough to weaken her resolve already.

Despite knowing she could use the exact reverse of his tactic to get _him_ to tell her what she wanted to know; she was content to play along.

She willingly submitted to his distraction and soon enough sleep was put on hold _indefinitely_.


	22. Chapter 22

Two days later, at 4:23 AM, it would be Erin's turn to wake Jay at an ungodly hour to have a conversation that had been gnawing at her mind for over an hour. She'd been sitting up stark straight against the headboard since the original thoughts that would grow to plague her now had appeared in her mind. Learning her lesson from the time she'd startled him awake, Erin kept a safe distance as she said his name a few times and then, leaned over to shake him gently.

Being that he wasn't stuck in some torturous nightmare loop, he was much more receptive to her wake up this time and his eyes blinked open slowly until they were adjusting and focusing on her. "Babe?" He asked gently, his fingers moving to scratch the back of his neck as he sat up and observed her now standing form, where she stood next to her side of the bed. "What's wrong?"

She was thrusting Hank's envelope of money at him and panic was written into the creases of her forehead. "You have to take this…. hide it… or…" She sighed at herself. "I've spent the past hour thinking how Bunny could really use it to pay back Jimmy and…. I…. _just hide it_ … okay?" She sat back on the side of the bed now and he moved closer to her, placing a comforting hand on her leg once more.

Her words had him much more awake in an instant, how could his heartstrings not feel the tug of those words. He was consistently taken off guard by her selfless need to put her mother first even when she had so much going on. He wasn't sure what to say at first so he just leaned over to kiss her temple with a sigh of his own. "Erin…. you can't worry about her mess… you did the right thing… Andy's in jail on violation of parole…"

"I _know_ all of that Jay… but… I just can't help but think…." She shook her head and though he couldn't completely see what she was doing due to the darkness, he knew that she was feeling stupid and that hadn't been the intention of his words. "If I give it to her than… it can all be over…"

"But, you've always fixed things for her so… now it's your propensity to do so and you feel obligations to her… I get it… I _really_ do but…" He trailed off. "Did she ever even tell you what the money was _for_?" He asked gently, deciding that maybe if instead of scolding her he just helped her to see the big picture of what was going on, it may have a more lasting impact on her.

His words sunk in even though she didn't want them to. She had never even bothered to ask what it was Bunny needed ten grand for and yet, here she was, ready to sweep up her mother's mess for her once again with money that was certainly intended for a _much_ better and more important use than what she'd been considering doing with it for the last hour. Part of her knew that the reason she hadn't asked was because there was a good chance whatever it was, it would only break her heart more."No… I guess I don't…" She sighed and then, even though it was really late – or supremely early, depending how you looked at it, she picked up her phone and after beginning the call; she put it on speaker.

"Erin I didn't mean—" But Jay's words would be interrupted by Erin's voice speaking as her mother picked up the other line, indicated by a popping sound.

"What did you need the money for?" She asked hovering over the phone's receiver with the support of her elbows; her voice had more of a snarl to it than she'd meant it to.

"Nice to hear from you too, baby." Bunny had begun and then, she sighed. "What does it matter? Hank waved his magic wand and fixed everything, like usual… so he can be your hero again and I can be the big bad witch…"

"What?" Erin interrupted her mother's story. "Explain what that means… and stop using euphemisms… it's late…. err… early… just… give it to me straight mom." Erin sighed with perplexed annoyance. "And… it's big bad _wolf_ …not witch." She rolled her eyes.

"Hank called me a couple days ago… told me he'd take care of my problem if I did two things… one was leave Chicago for good… the other was not contact you…. I told him I wasn't interested, because _you_ are more important to me than settling some debt but…." Her mother let out an exaggerated sigh into the phone. "You know Hank… he pretends he's asking at first but, when you don't give him what he wants, it changes from asking to _telling…_ " She could hear her mother light a cigarette on the other end of the line and take a long drag. "So here we are…" She heard her hiccup and knew then why she was still up at this hour.

"Where are you?" She asked, gentleness in her tone now.

"Why do you _care_ , Erin? You _knew_ if you told Hank he'd just use this against me, find a way to use this to drive a wedge between us…you wanted this!" Bunny accused.

"I wanted to _help_ you mom…" Erin's voice was full of dejection now. "And I just… for my own piece of mind can you tell me what the hell you needed to borrow that much money for? From Jimmy, no less?"

There was a long pause and then the sound what she assumed was her mother setting down a bottle of something. "I didn't _ask_ to borrow it… he just _gave_ it to me… said he owed me for raising you on my own all those years… and it was really hard for me you know Erin… I…. I know you like to tell the version of the story where Hank rescued you from my clutches but your life wasn't as bad as you made it seem… we used to be like _sisters…"_

She'd fully intended to respond, unleash the series of insults and degradations that had been mounting for years, but instead of opening her mouth, she found her thumb moving to hit the red circle on her phone's screen that would end their conversation. She couldn't listen to this anymore. What was the use? Bunny was going to stay Bunny, no matter how many terrible things Erin could say to break her down; she would never change. Why was she wasting her time? It was the same thing with her mother and she'd risen up to take it every time but now… she was done. A sigh of relief would come as she'd hung up on her mother and even as the phone buzzed to show that Bunny had immediately called her back, she didn't even move to answer it.

She was surprised that tears wouldn't come, because this did make her sad, but there was some sense of relief that came with the finality of cutting Bunny off and she knew that this time, it wasn't going to be temporary.

"You okay?" Jay asked, pulling at her arm so she'd lay back down and then cuddling up behind her, pressing a reassuring kiss to her neck.

"Actually… yeah…" She smiled gently to herself and turned her head so she could kiss him. "Kind of feels like this time it's done for real…" She felt bad when she admitted the next part; "I feel… _relieved_ …" Then, she rolled over so they were facing each other now and she snuggled herself into his chest. "Can you just hold me though?" She whispered softly, and wordlessly, he tightened his grip around her small frame and stroked her soft, wavy hair until she'd fallen asleep against him again.

The two days following that powerful phone call would find a lightness about Erin, a little more pep in her step without her mother weighing her down. She'd even, in an act of _true_ boldness, deleted her contact information entirely. It was perfect timing to coincide with the party that Kevin and Adam had been hyping up since they'd gotten permission to plan it and now that Kim was back to the unit, Erin had helped her worm her way into the planning process. She'd be dismayed to find that Kim would keep just as tight lipped about the plans as the boys had, which was why she was rather alarmed to see the events that would unfold in front of her that Friday afternoon.

She knew something was up because of the way Kim kept looking at the clock for the past hour and exchanging glances with Adam and Kevin. Jay was still amused at the fact that Erin had managed to get no information out of anyone and he enjoyed watching her squirm, even now, as she tried to figure out why Kim was acting so strange.

He'd been filled in on _most_ of the plan, though certainly not to the extent he'd come to as the next couple hours unfolded. But, once the clock ticked to 4 PM, he and Kim shared a knowing smile. "Hey Lindsay," Kim spoke up finally, earning a raised eyebrow look from the suspicious brunette she'd just addressed. "Open your bottom drawer." She added and then her own smile was growing as Erin moved slowly to do as instructed.

Inside of the drawer, she'd find a small pink and black pinstriped bag with a sticky note on its front labeled 'open me.' Erin cast a look over at Kim and then, obliged the note; opening the bag to find an envelope inside and she took it out cautiously, half expecting it to be full of explosive glitter, knowing Kim. Instead she'd find a simple pink card that just as simply read "Go to the locker room." And she gave Kim another exaggerated look before she was rising from her desk. "What is this?" She asked, tilting her head to the side to study her only female counterpart.

"Let's find out, shall we?" Kim asked, coming over to link arms with Erin and lead her down the bullpen stairs to the locker room. As they entered, Erin's eyes would come to fall on another bag, the same pattern as the one she'd just located in her desk drawer, only _much_ larger.

"Kim… surprises stress me out… can you just tell me…"

"Just open the bag!"

Erin sighed and moved to do just that, sitting down on the bench to do so. She'd warily to pull out a pair of black shorts she was pretty sure could be considered _underwear_ (until she'd located the cheeky lacy pair of actual panties that served that purpose also inside the bag), a pair of fishnet stockings, black pumps, and a white corset that tied at the bottom with a giant satin bow. "What is this?" She asked with a giggle.

"That's what you're wearing tonight… Adam and Kevin said you were down for _anything_ so…." Kim smirked.

"So you let them pick out what I wore?" Erin laughed gently. "It's far too slutty…"

"Oh no, that was me." Kim gave her a cheeky grin. "What, you're hot… flaunt it… besides… you're going to need it _later_ … now hurry up because happy hour started…" She looked at her watch. "11 minutes ago! And something tells me the rest of our bride tribe for the night is already going to be waiting for us at Molly's!"

Several minutes later, after Kim's help, she was laced into the corset, with a full face of 'going out' makeup; and studying her appearance in the mirror. "I am NOT walking out of the district like this Kim…" She laughed, though her face was tinted slightly red. She had to admit, Kim was right; she looked _hot as hell_. It didn't mean she wanted it on display for the entire district, she could only _imagine_ running into Officer LeVoy in this get up…

"Hot _mama_ …" Would come the voice of Trudy Platt who was standing in the locker room doorway in a black dress. Kim had changed into a similar get up and Erin glanced between the two of them slightly confused.

"She invited _herself_ …" Kim whispered, but she an Erin shared a smile knowing that Trudy would, at the very least, provide some sassy entertainment for the night.

"Trudy… _loving_ the dress." Erin complimented, and suddenly she felt inspired with confidence instead of embarrassment to leave the district with these other fierce women who she was convinced could outwit and outshoot pretty much any of the men who called the 21st their home. So she linked arms with them both and they strolled out the front doors with heads held high.

Another great thing about Trudy coming with was that she'd offered to be designated driver and not only that, she'd pulled a giant suburban from impound to chauffer them around in for the night, which would come in handy as they arrived at the bar to meet up with Gabby, Natalie, Sylvie, April, and Sarah; who, just like Kim and Trudy, were all wearing various little black dresses. Kim had explained on the ride over that they were meeting up for drinks and apps with some of their girl friends before linking up with the guys. Erin had to hide her disappointment, because as much as she really did enjoy her time with the girls, she'd been under the impression they were spending the night all together. She wondered what they boys would be up to…

Gabby had placed a veil headband and 'bride to be' sash around her neck before she had time to protest. Her uneasiness had only grown at this, not one to lavish in being the center of attention. But, she could play along to humor her friends. Maybe if she pretended long enough, she'd _actually_ start enjoying herself!

She and Jay had discussed the night before how they'd handle things at the party as far as drinking. Since they'd ceremoniously poured out all of their beer and liquor, neither of them had had a drink. They'd agreed that they would stop using alcohol as a way to numb their pain and had, for the second time, pinky swore—this time that though they'd drink socially on occasion; they'd _never_ again use it to fight their darkness.

She was still reluctant to do the first shot offered to her; but she'd given in to playful peer pressure and downed the lemon drop. It burned as it went down and she felt an instant tingle on her lips. If nothing else, it helped her to lighten up and soon enough, she found herself smiling and laughing with the table of women. They ate some appetizers and did a couple more shots… Erin managed to nurse the same vodka soda for the duration of the visit, so though she felt a little buzzed, she was certainly fine as they piled into the SUV to head to their next location, which still hadn't been revealed to her yet, much to her chagrin.

The only information she had now that she didn't have before was that the girl's had just put on twenty's style flapper girl feather headbands and they were all singing _way_ too loudly to _Girls Just Wanna Have Fun_ as Trudy blared it through the SUV's supped up speaker system. Even if this wasn't her _typical_ idea of fun, she had to admit, she was enjoying herself. Although, she was certainly missing Jay.

It wasn't until they were pulling up to the valet parking attendant outside of the club that Erin would discover where they'd be meeting up with the boys. The Uptown Underground was designed to look like a prohibition era speakeasy that, on Friday nights, was the home to Chicago's most famous burlesque shows.

It wasn't just those lemon drop shots that would have her squealing with delight when she finally stepped out of the SUV and her eyes found his. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and that black button up she loved because it was so _soft_. He gave her an appreciative look as he took in her own adornments for the night and soon enough they'd closed the space that once existed between them and their lips met in a kiss of mutual appreciation. "You look…" Jay shook his head. "Too early to call it a night? I don't think they'd miss us…" She giggled gently and gave him another kiss, the passion of which would elicit a round of whoops and hollers from their friends, causing them to pull apart, albeit with slow reluctance.

Erin turned to survey the rest of their motley crew. The usual suspects were there of course; Kev, Adam, and Will. But they were joined by Choi, Rhodes, and April's brother; Noah, as well.

"Phase two of tonight… we bring you the _Kiss Kiss Cabaret… world renowned_ burlesque show," Adam exaggerated, "Thanks to the girls being fashionably late it, iis _almost_ show time so we should head in…"Adam handed them each their tickets to get into the show and Erin was surprised to find their group navigated down to the stage's front and center seats, which were apparently roped off for them. "Come on Linds… I did good… you have to admit it…" Adam had said to her as they all walked in to figure out seating arrangements on the velveteen couches and chairs that had been reserved for them.

"I know you meant to say _we_ on that man…" Kevin had interrupted, shuffling Adam down the aisle so they could sit on the long couch next to Jay. Erin would occupy the spot to the other side of him and Kim and Trudy would take up the last two spaces available there as the rest of their friends filed in.

The show was entertaining; the perfect mix of artistic and risqué, with many talented performers who did more than just tasteful stripteases (none that would reveal anything you'd be uncomfortably seeing in front of Trudy Platt, _thank god_ ). In addition to their seductive dances; some sang, _juggled_ , there was even one girl who ate fire!

The show seemed to be coming to an end when the night's MC, a vivacious Drag Queen they'd come to know as Pepper De Party (Kim _swore_ she was her spirit animal) was back on the microphone. "Now this is usually where we bring this to an end but my sweets, I have a _very special_ treat for you… it seems we have a bride and groom to be in the house…." Erin's eyes would go wide at that and she instantly glared at Kevin and Adam in a way that made them both sink a little in their seats.

"You two are fucking _dead…_ " Her eyes were alit with rage as she spoke those words but she didn't have enough time to fully rely the details of just _how_ she planned to kill them when the stage spot lights were shining down on her and Jay and the roar of the crowd was beckoning them on stage.

"Come on, come on… don't be shy…" Pepper would say from the stage until they were both begrudgingly rising from the safety of that red velvet couch and being helped onto the stage by way of the stair case that lead down into the audience.

It was hard to tell who was more embarrassed by this, but both of their cheeks would be tinted red and Erin was instantly wishing she'd had a few more rounds of shots with the girl's at Molly's before they'd arrived.

The found themselves on either side of Pepper De Party moments later and the MC continued to speak. "Well look at these two all American pieces of apple pie…. look at you, you're a Ken doll…" She patted Jay on the face. "I'm going to borrow him for a second, okay?" Erin nodded with a nervous smile and then Pepper acted like she was going to take Jay off stage much to the delight of the crowd, who'd responded to her antics with roaring laughter. Instead, she led him to a chair, adorend with the same red fabric of the couch they'd found so comfortable moments ago, that had materialized in the middle of the stage sometime between them leaving the safe haven of the audience to arrive on that stage. "Okay you sit here… tell me a little about you, stud… what's your name."

Jay's lips would twist into a nervous smile before he answered, "Jay…" Simply, squinting his eyes to try and find Kevin and Adam's faces in spite of the bright stage lights that shone down on him as he sat there, feeling rather exposed, in that metal chair.

"Why are you nervous, _you_ have the easy job…." Pepper winked and then she gave him instructions to sit tight for a minute and then she was sauntering back over to Erin, who she'd throw her arm around next. "What's your name, sex kitten?" She'd ask and when Erin's raspy voice had answered her question, she gave an over exaggerated reaction. " _Listen_ to that voice… " Pepper shook her head. "She really is a sex kitten! That voice…this body…." She made a show of twirling Erin around so everyone in the audience could fully appreciate both her outfit and physique. Once again the audience was cheering and Erin felt her face grow even redder now. "She looks nervous too… we need to loosen these two up…" Pepper snapped her fingers and then a cocktail waitress was appearing with two champagne flutes and a bottle sitting between them on a tray.

Pepper made a big show of opening the bottle and after pouring them each a glass full, she had the rest of the club toasted to their future together. Erin was thinking that they'd survive this ordeal relatively unscathed until she heard the next line out of the lovable drag queen's mouth. "Now… _last thing_ … we can't have a bachelor here and not send him out in _style_ so…. either _you're_ gonna do a dance for him or…. _they_ are…." And just like that; each of the scantily (yet still _classily_ ) clad performers from earlier in the night were filing back on to the stage.

If Erin's cheeks had been red before they were absolutely scarlet now and her eyes fell on Jay's to communicate just how much she hated him for being an accomplice to this plan, but his own returning look would indicate he thought it would end at the champagne toast himself.

She cursed herself for being so candid with her word choice to her lovable teammates and as she vowed to get both Kevin and Adam back in unspeakably evil ways, she took a deep breath, rolled her eyes at her own self, and shaking her head she made her decision. She'd said she was adventurous and she had the balls to back it up. Swallowing hard, she let her raspy voice lace with false confidence. "Well I'm going to need a little more of that champagne but… I can't let these gorgeous ladies at my man…" She moved to pick up the bottle of champagne that Pepper had poured into their glasses and instead of refilling her flute, she chugged it straight from the bottle. Her actions elicited her own round of whoops and laughs from the crowd and she was wiping some bubbles from the corner of her mouth with the backside of her hand as she set the bottle back on the tray and sauntered lazily over to Jay, and sat in his lap, his hands moving automatically to her hips. "I am legit going to murder them…" She whispered into his ear. "Enjoy this though… one of us should…" She added, with a wink.

Pepper would offer her a few _tips_ for a successful burlesque tease and at the loud cheering and encouragement of that entire room, of which she _swore_ she could still hear Adam and Kevin over anyone else, she'd bite her lip, swallow her pride, and succumb to the fact that if she was going to be put into this position, she would at least _own it._

Her torture would be a short one and they only put on a small snippet of a song where she'd swivel her hips a little with way more skill and rhythm than she'd give herself credit for before she was sliding into his lap once again to press a long and passionate kiss to his lips that would garner one last very uproarious reaction from the audience before Pepper was ending the show and finally freeing them back to their friends.

Adam and Kevin didn't hide the way they cowered in fear at Erin's return and though she had a propensity to slap them both upside the head, she merely shook her own head at them menacingly, her eyes doing perhaps more talking than her mouth right now; "I won't tell you _when_ … and I won't tell you _what_ … but _someday_ …. I will have my revenge…" Those words would leave them sitting there on the couch just a little bit longer; both with fear stricken faces, as the rest of the group started to file out of the theater and they were happy to be greeted by the slightly crisp Chicago night air.

Adam was trying to convince them to continue the party at a dive bar only a block away but there were mutterings about early shifts and dogs to let out and then the crowd had dwindled down to _mostly_ just the core crew; Adam, Kev, Kim, Erin, Jay, Will, and Natalie; who all stood in huddled in a makeshift circle outside of the club. Erin was making eyes at Jay that told him it was in his best interest to take her home. He abandoned the conversation he was listening to between the other three men and moved to place his hands on her hips. "I _swear_ I had _no_ idea about the dance…" He said, moving to kiss her lips, but she turned her head so he caught her cheek instead.

"Either way you're paying for it later…" Though the deviousness in her voice would lead him to believe that maybe that wasn't _such_ a bad thing.

"Yes ma'am…" He growled against her neck and then pulled her towards him, grabbing her face in his signature way and then pressing a hungry kiss to her lips. Despite denying him that same pleasure moments ago, she was hopeless to it now, and she found herself lost in that kiss a little longer than she usually would have in public.

"Get a room..." Adam would yell their way, laughing sarcastically. "Oh _wait…_ we all pitched in and got one for you…" And with that, Kim was handing them a pair of room keys tucked into a sleeve that read _Waldorf Astoria Chicago_. "Come on Linds… that has to buy me a little of my life back, right?"

"Actually, this part was _my_ idea…. and for the record that is totally what I was referring to when I said you'd be grateful for that outfit later… the dance on stage… totally Ruze and Atwater… the beautiful room complete with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne… that was _all_ me…"

"You are _amazing_ Kim…" Erin began. "As a reward… you are officially part of my revenge plot against dumb and dumber…"

"Let the games begin!" Kim had grinned and then, a limo was pulling up and Atwater was ushering them towards it.

"Well, your boy did hook you up with this limo so… do I get at least a little bit of credit for that?"

Erin considered this for a moment, "Your pain will be _slightly_ less than his…" Erin agreed, eyeing Ruzek with another menacing look.

Finally, she and Jay were saying their goodbyes and their new chauffer was opening the door and letting them in to the spacious leather clad back seat.

"Fuck, I love you…" He smiled against her lips, after capturing them in another heated kiss once the door had been shut behind them.

And as would basically be the norm now, she'd make her much-debated claim; "Love you _more…"_


	23. Chapter 23

As they entered the king suite that their friends had pitched in to book them for the night, Erin was absolutely in awe of the ornateness of that room. "Pretty sure these sheets are more expensive than everything in our apartment _combined_ …" She'd muttered, but Jay was considerably less concerned with the content of the room that didn't directly pertain to her, at the moment. Growing up like she had, it was impossible for her not to observe the fancy details about places like this. This was the type of place she remembered seeing in movies as a kid, and now here she was, living out her own movie-esque moment with the most handsome man she'd ever seen after one of the best nights she'd had, even if she'd been mildly scarred by parts of it.

As promised by Kim, they were greeted by a chilled bottle of fancy champagne and a tray of chocolate strawberries that sat next to it on a rolling cart tray, brought in by room service before they'd made it up to the room themselves. Erin picked one up and sunk her teeth into it, licking her lips at the richness of the dark chocolate combined with the juiciness of the plump strawberry it covered. She offered him a bite but he opted to taste the sweetness from her own lips instead, tugging playfully at her bottom lip with his teeth. He didn't want anything to eat; the only thing he was hungry for was _her_.

She played up this knowledge, deciding that since he'd enjoyed watching her squirm over the party details too long, he wasn't going to _get off_ that easy (in more ways than one!). So she kissed him a couple more times, deepening the intensity of them with each one, until he was moving her towards the bed. Knowing that she had him right on the cusp of being totally consumed by his desire for her, she decided to play her game. She brought her hands up to his chest and pushed him slightly away. "Not so fast…" She rasped with a smirk and then she was moving away from him, towards a table in the corner of the room that she'd just noticed was filled with variously sized and colored gift bags.

"Erin…" His groan was full of disappointment and he shook his head as he folded his arms across his chest. What had he expected? Despite his disappointment, he couldn't help but find the corners of his mouth tugging into a smirk as he followed her over to the table.

In front of the gifts say a folded piece of cardstock and Erin picked it up, recognizing that it was Kim's hand writing there on the front.

 _We heard you could use some new bathing suits…._

Jay's chin was resting on her shoulder as they both read the note, scrawled in black pen. "Fashion show?" He smirked, kissing her neck.

"As if when I take this off you're going to be interested in me putting something else _back_ on…" She turned to smirk up at him with those words.

"True fucking story…" He grinned, and he was kissing her again and lifting her up to prop her on the table, his hands sliding over the fabric of the thigh high fishnets she'd been rocking the _hell_ out of all night; sending gift bags tumbling to the ground.

"Jay!" She giggled gently and then her hands were shoving at his chest, backing him up so he could right herself back to standing position before bending down to collect the fallen bags from the floor. She took a moment to search through a couple of them, each one seemingly _tinier_ than the one before it, until Jay could take it no more and was tugging at the long ends of that satin bow that was keeping _far_ too much of her covered, if you asked him. "I'm still opening presents…" She protested half-heartedly.

"Isn't it my turn to unwrap a gift?" He grinned and it was all she needed to break her resolve to torture him and she practically jumped up into his arms; caving to both of their desires.

Their night would fade into morning and then sun was cresting through the undrawn curtains when they'd finally had their fill of one another, drifting off to quiet and peaceful sleep, still fully immersed in one another.

They'd made use of every bit of furniture in that room to give heed to their most carnal desires. The handcuffs still hooked to the headboard on the side of the bed where she'd fallen asleep would be a welcome reminder of some of their more _adventurous_ intimacies of the night. She'd wake later to find another reminder; a red circle that particular adventure had left faintly around her wrist; a pain she'd gladly take any day to experience even a fraction of the pleasure that had some along with it. The way his _tongue_ had driven her past the point of no return while she'd writhed and strained against the cool metal she didn't often find around her own wrist; had been reenacted in the dream she was having currently as she slept soundly next to him on that feather topped mattress.

They'd stay that way until a faint knock at the door would announce that room service was their with brunch courtesy of Adam who was still trying to curry favor with Erin before she delivered her vengeance to him. Jay had answered the door and had brought the food to Erin in bed after surveying the options. He had to admit, Adam had outdone himself in his attempt to win points with Erin and Jay made a plan that he should find more ways to work this to his advantage as well. He poured himself a glass of water and drank it down in one gulp before he was moving over to where he'd left her curled up on the bed; waving the tray of blueberry-lemon French toast under her nose to rouse her from her slumber.

The tantalizing smell was enough to stir her just as he expected and she lifted her eyelids lazily, "Mmm… morning…" She said, moving to rub the sleep from her eyes and press a still half asleep kiss to the corner of his mouth.

"Adam sent us breakfast…. I think you should really milk this revenge plot as long as possible…" He grinned, "See what else we can get out of him…" He'd set the food back down and handed her the card that had accompanied it.

"You can't kill the guy who sends you breakfast in bed… don't forget, check out is 11:30 you crazy kids…" Erin read the message out loud and grinned at Jay. "Totally going to milk this…" She added, shifting to sit up and gather the covers around herself, acutely aware of the fact that she didn't have anything appropriate to wear out of this place. Jay had let her cover up with his shirt last night when they'd come in the lobby, but she couldn't discern where it had ended up last night when they'd been in such a hurry to rid each other of their clothes. "What the hell am I supposed to wear out of this place at 11:30 AM…" She asked suddenly, though a smile played at her lips as he moved to feed her a fork full of the French toast he'd teased her with the smell of before.

Jay nodded to the left side of the room where a small black suitcase sat. "Seems like Kim thought of everything…" He grinned and Erin moaned slightly as she took the bite from him.

"Holy fuck…that's delicious…" She said, licking her lips to savor the flavor of the sugary residue the syrupy treat had left on her lips before moving to slide on the panties that she found discarded at the foot of the bed before she was rising to move to the suitcase.

"Holy fuck _that's_ delicious…" He'd mimic, though he'd be referring to the way her ass looked with the swagger of those hips as she moved, scantily clad, across the bedroom and now the food was the absolute last thing on his mind as he licked his own lips, appreciating the view. He'd also take a moment to appreciate the fact that this was a view he was about to wake up to for a week straight after she'd become his wife in a week from today. After that; it would be a view he'd enjoy for the _rest_ of his life. All of these realizations would bring an even wider grin to his face.

She unzipped the suitcase slowly, mostly for his enjoyment, and then pulled out the t-shirt Kim had so thoughtfully packed for her before hopping back onto the bed and crawling up towards him, kissing him tenderly. "Why'd you even bother putting that on?" He'd ask several moments into that heated kiss… tugging at the hem of the gray heathered fabric.

They'd make the most out of that big bed one more time before giving up love making for sustenance, then one more round in the rainfall shower they'd discover in the bathroom just twenty minutes before checkout.

That last foray would leave her with wet hair thrown into a messy bun as they were rushing to leave their keys at the checkout counter and meeting the Uber he'd ordered to take them back to their place, where they'd fall into that bed for one more mind blowing round of lust driven fun before they'd fallen into a cat nap like sleep that would keep them for a few hours.

She'd surprisingly wake up first and had moved to the kitchen to grab some water and she was rummaging around the fridge for something to satisfy the growl in her stomach when he was behind her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "Get dressed up… I'm taking you somewhere nice…" He'd mumbled into her neck, his words dissolving into the kisses he'd place there.

An hour later, her dimples would radiate out as she took him in; he wasn't kidding when he said dress up. He was wearing a dark blue suit that was cut to perfection; of course he had a _guy_ who did custom tailoring. The fabric had soft pin stripes you could only see up close and the crisp white shirt that peaked out from under the jacket had him looking even more immaculate than usual.

She'd pulled her hair back on one side and she wore a tight hunter green dress that fit like a pencil skirt on the bottom and had a low dip in the back that exposed the tight lean skin of her back, though the neckline in front was high and conservative.

"You smell amazing…" She'd sigh, sauntering over to stand in front of him after she'd stepped into a pair of heels that her a good four inches taller than her normal height, giving her easier access to press a kiss to his lips. He moved to kiss her but she stopped him, pressing only a soft kiss to his lips instead of letting themselves get completely passionate. "Can't ruin my lipstick…" She warned, but her hands came to his lower back and tucked into his waistband back there. "You clean up nice…" She remarked, pressing her chest against his. "Although you in your blues is my real kryptonite…" She added, moving to press a sensual kiss to the place at the back of his neck, behind his ear. She knew how to drive him crazy in the same ways he did to her, though she was usually nicer about it than him. Tonight though, she was feeling playful.

"You in _general_ is my kryptonite…" He confessed. Imaging her in a wedding gown though, it did take his breath away. It was a vision he'd had many times since she'd brought that dress bag home, and he knew without a doubt he'd have no chance of making it through that ceremony without his eyes glistening with tears. He'd never known it was possible to love someone as much as he loved her; which was more than anyone had loved anyone, he was sure. Her physical beauty was apparent to anyone who'd seen her; even on her worst day, she was a sight for sore eyes. But the beauty within her… the selfless, compassionate, sassy woman she was at her core; that was the real beauty of her.

"Whatcha thinking about?" She asked, eyeing him suspiciously as he'd become lost in thought.

"How much I love you…" He admitted earnestly, ignore her rules not to mess up her lipstick and kissing her deeply until more of it was on his face now than her own. She couldn't be mad though, and they'd both considered abandoning their dinner reservation at Gibsons in favor of giving in once again to their unquenchable thirst for one another.

She'd touched up her make up while he'd washed the red stains from his own face and they'd headed down to the car hand in hand. It wasn't often they found the time to dress up and go out on a legitimate date; especially now that they lived together and it was even less of a priority than it had been before, but he felt like it was important to wine and dine her properly at least one more time before they tied the knot.

Once they'd sat down, her glass would remain consistently full of red wine and they'd enjoy light conversation over the steaks they'd ordered and it wasn't until they'd ordered dessert – cheesecake, that he was scooting her chair a little closer to his and their conversation turned more serious. "Is Hank going to walk you down the aisle?" He'd asked, slicing his fork into the pointed edge of the cake, offering her the first bite.

"I….I'd thought about it." She shrugged her shoulders slightly. "But…. I don't know. Feels weird… and _archaic_ to have someone give me away when… before I belonged to you…. I only really belonged to… _myself_ …" She shrugged, but he leaned to kiss her cheek lightly.

"Makes perfect sense…" He noted gently, offering her a slight smile. "I know this wasn't the point but… it kind of … _does me in…_ when you say you belong to me… because even though I know you do… I'll _never_ get tired of hearing it…"

"Well, there's not use fighting it…. _I'm yours_ … always have been…" She grinned and shifted her self slightly so she could lean against him. "I'm happy to remind you of that whenever you want. Another sly smile played at her lips when she confessed the next piece of information. "Detective Lindsay-Halstead is kind of a mouthful… and it would get too confusing with _two_ of us going by Detective Halstead in the same unit so…. I think that _professionally_ … it just makes sense for me to go by Lindsay still but… " She shrugged. "I was thinking I'd still change it legally though…"

That surprising confession would find his eyes rimming with the emotion that had suddenly overtaken him. "Yeah?" Was the only thing he'd managed in response at first to the words that had taken him completely aback and off guard. "That's… I mean… I would have respected whatever decision you made but…." He shook his head and swallowed the thick emotion that had been present not just in his eyes but in his voice too. "That's amazing baby…. I love you…" He whispered and he was capturing her lips once again in a kiss that would have her signaling for the waiter to bring their check. " _Erin Halstead_ …" It rolled off his tongue so naturally now, and they both grinned as they headed back out to the car, his hand tucked into her pocket as both of her arms had come to wrap around his strong bicep as they walked the short distance to where they'd parked.

Ever the gentleman, he'd opened the door for her, but before helping her in he'd trapped her in the space there for another kiss; his want for her still insatiable even after all the times they'd given into ardent pleasure over the last 24 hours.

He'd finally help her into the car after leaving them both with tingling lips. As he slid into the driver's seat, she reached over towards his belt. " _Erin_ …" He began, his pupils widening over at her as his hand stopped hers.

"Then drive _fast_ …" She'd warned playfully.

By the time they made it to park near enough to their apartment she'd already undone his belt and un-tucked his shirt; things were dangerously close to turning X-rated just as he'd put the car in park. "I finally decided how you're going to pay me back for yesterday's very _public_ display of affection I gave you at the Uptown…" She'd rasp, her eyes focusing on his. "It's only fair that I get my own dance… but… I guess I'll let you off the hook with a more _private_ venue…" Deviousness played in her eyes as the coyness of her smile grew.

She'd enjoy every second of him making things up to her and as he'd taken off his shirt she found her eyes hungrily appreciating those washboard abs and the light freckles that dotted his arms when he wore short sleeves and the sun was allowed to make them appear there. It was one of the details she'd memorized about him in those first few times he'd taken her, back when they didn't live together, and their kisses were stolen and made all the more passionate by the secret sexiness of their forbidden lust.

But now, their kisses were anything but secret and the love and adoration she wore for him was _always_ written in her face now. Even when she was mad; one look at that sweet face could send her into a tizzy that would make her forget what she was even upset about in the first place.

It was Jay's turn now to draw her attention back when it was her who had that far away look in her eyes. "What are you thinking about, babe?" He asked, drawing her attention back to where she'd left him, hovering above her neck, pressing teasing kisses to her collarbones.

"How much I love you…" She'd finish, before pulling him down so his weight was against her and they'd lose themselves in their final round of lovemaking before sleep would take over once and for all.


	24. Chapter 24

There were only three days left before the Saturday that would be forever engrained as one of the most important landmarks of their relationship. The days that had passed since the party and following weekend, that would be deemed "SexFest 2017" by Erin, had each been more blissful than the last. They'd finalized plans, tasted cakes, and ordered the flowers. Jay had gone to group and she'd made breakfast for dinner. Thus far, everything had gone off without a hitch.

Which was why she should've seen what was coming next. It was too many good, wonderful days in a row. Something was bound to go wrong, because that was how her world worked. Especially when things had been going _this_ right… shouldn't she have anticipated the fall out being extreme in the opposite way?

She'd woken up to find he wasn't next to her; it was a sensation that made her instantly feel like a very real part of her was empty. She took a moment to adjust to being awake and then she heard muffled voices coming from the hallway and she wondered who he could possibly be speaking to at _this hour…._ the clock on her phone would tell her it was just past midnight. It was this realization that had brought her out of their bed and she was slipping on a pair of leggings she'd retrieved from the laundry bin before padding down the hall.

"It's _not_ a good time…. you should leave…. you're drunk…" Jay's voice was clearer now as she approached. She wouldn't get a chance to hear the other person's voice before she was laying her eyes on _her_. Neither of them had noticed Erin approaching so she'd taken the opportunity to slink back into the shadowed hallway where she could listen to what would transpire.

"She's going to want to hear what I have to say…" Came the female voice's slurred response. "It's about her _father…_ "

"It can wait, Bunny…" Hearing Jay articulate that phrase so seriously would cause her to smile, in spite of herself. "She's in a good place right now…. can you please just… let her be…. please…. we…. we have _a lot_ going on this weekend…"

"Oh I'm WELL aware…" Bunny's voice was getting louder and she heard Jay's attempt to quiet her with a gentle shush, but it had only made Bunny speak louder. "Why do I get a call from Teddy asking if he can send a gift with me since he won't be able to make it to Erin's wedding…. imagine my surprise when he says it's THIS coming Saturday and…. well…. my invite must've been lost in the mail."

Erin had left Jay out to dry long enough, so she'd respond to her mother instead of letting him and she came out of the hallway with an unusual calmness about her. "I'm pretty sure he told you to leave…" Erin said firmly, though her voice was devoid of the animosity that she'd usually assume when speaking to her mother.

"Oh, the blushing bride makes her grand appearance…. " Bunny seemed to spit that sentence out with venom. "Seems like you take one look at Detective Abs and you forget that before Hank, before _him_ it was _just_ me and you… but somehow I don't even rank high enough on your little scale of family to get a fucking _invite…_ " She'd add with a slur.

Instead of rolling her eyes, Erin cast her mother a look of pity. "Maybe I wasn't clear when I hung up on you the other day and stopped taking your calls but, we're done here Bunny… I don't have anything left for you anymore. You're right, I dind't invite you. And it isn't because I don't love you, because god damn I wish that were fucking true. But I do… for some sick and twisted I _still_ love you. But…that doesn't change the fact that I don't want you at our wedding, because I can't have you causing a scene… and ruining it… like you have ruined _so much_ for me in the past…" There was a rawness to her honesty, that would make her voice hitch for just a moment. She swallowed her emotion and then added, more fiercely, "… and I have a _fuck load_ of cops there who will be more than happy to escort you out if you even _try_ to show up…"

Bunny moved closer to her and Erin took a step back; which would elicit an eye roll and exaggerated scoff from Bunny. "Fine, you want me to leave… I'll leave… you want me out of your life? _Done_!" She turned away slightly, as if she was going to head over to the door to leave but she stopped short and swiveled around to look at her daughter once more. "Are you at least going to call me a car?"

"You got yourself here, pretty sure you can get yourself home." Erin would say, her voice full of strength now. She'd almost forgotten Jay was there to be honest. This time, it hadn't been having him as back up that had made her brave. It was just… her… being strong enough to choose her own happiness; to choose _herself_ for a change.

Bunny couldn't let her have that win… that last word that would bring her daughter satisfaction. Her eyes narrowed in a terrible glare. It was a facial expression of hers that Erin had memorized. Of all that faces she'd watched Bunny make over the years, there were two different ones that had always stuck out in her mind. The face she was making now; usually accompanied by an insult or off color remark. The other face was the one she'd get when she'd OD. Eyes rolled to the back of her head, skin pale and green, blue tinted lips tight and wrinkled far beyond her years.

"You know… what….you ungrateful bitch…. you want to know who your father is? Ask _Hank_ about the CI work I did for him when he was hunting down Frankie Palusso. Ask him what happened in room 239 at the Carlton Inn in Midway that ngiht when it was raining so hard that the rough leaked… you think he's some kind of hero? Why do you think he took you in all those years ago…. because he thought you were special?" She laughed now, an evil maniacal laugh that would send a shiver through Erin's entire body. "He _knew_ there was a chance it was him…. he felt _guilty_ …. you think he didn't steal a piece of your hair… run his own DNA panel before he was inviting you to play house?" Jay had moved in between them and was ushering her towards the door. "Or maybe he never even bothered…. maybe he just didn't really _care_ as much as you think. You've always been a pretty girl… maybe he knew how good momma was and… he figured he'd go for you next…"

"It's time to leave, _now."_ Jay's voice would have an extra firmness as he spoke that last word. He'd tried to take a backseat, let Erin handle her mother on her own, but even _he_ had reached his breaking point with Bunny and he couldn't sit here and watch her take this any more. She'd crossed so many lines already. How had Erin taken this time and again from her and still come out with an ability to want to help her in any way?

Jay's words wouldn't silence her yet, even if they had successfully walked her to the door. "I can tell by your face that this is the first time you're hearing this… but _why_ is it he never bothered to mention _any_ of that to you…. he _loves you,_ right? So he would've filled you in… I mean after his son died… he _had_ to be curious…. "

It was only when she'd _dared_ to mention Justin that she'd finally gotten the type of reaction out of Erin that she'd wanted. Erin had remained stoic for most of the words her mother had just unleashed but her eyes had betrayed her, showing her shock when she'd delivered the bit about Justin _dying_. That slight falter would be the ammunition Bunny needed to really lock and load on her, but when she'd crossed that line about the boy Erin had grown to love as her kid brother, she knew she could get her to crack. "Get _OUT_!" Erin would put her hands forcefully on Bunny's shoulders, driving her out the open doorway Jay had just provided her when he'd twisted the knob just seconds before and even though it was far too late to be acceptable to do so, she _slammed_ the door in her mother's face.

It wasn't until after she'd dead-bolted it that she'd draw in a sharp breath that would finally be the thing that broke her and even though she didn't want to; she'd feel the full weight of the words that Bunny had just spoken. She didn't cry; just kind stood there in shock, processing the words and trying to decide if there was any truth to them at all…. or if they were just another of Bunny's ploys to get under her skin and make her spiral out of control as a way to punish her for not inviting her to the wedding.

She hadn't realized that spiraling is exactly what she'd just done. This wasn't her typical panic attack – yet she knew she was having one. She was aware at how her breathing had quickened, how her vision seemed blurred but not by tears, how she'd sunken down onto her knees at some point, and he'd gotten down next to her, gathering her in his arms silently. Her heart was so loud that it was all she'd been able to hear; the sounds of it as it slammed so hard against her chest she could've sworn it was about to burst through.

His voice would finally break through the deafening sound of her heartbeat; her vision less of a blur as he came into focus in front of her, his hands on her face, drawing her eyes up to meet his. "Just breathe…" That would be the first of his suggestions that would finally get through to her. She drew in a series of deeper breaths, ragged and sputtering as she did her best to slow her breathing from borderline hyperventilation to a more even rhythm. He'd reached to unfold her tightly clenched fists, where her nails were digging in to her palms leaving slicing red marks where they indented into the soft skin there.

When she'd finally calmed down, he pulled her in to his chest. "Hear my heartbeat? Focus on that…" He whispered quietly, and again she'd follow his instructions, closing her eyes and focusing on the slow rhythmic pitter patter of his heart fluttering in his own chest and shortly thereafter, her own heart rate was slowing to match it. "You're okay… everything is okay…. I'm here…" He'd continue to mutter those phrases into her hair until she was finally pulling back to sit and look at him.

"I'm—" He cut her off before she could apologize for something that had been out of her control and also nothing she needed to be sorry for in the first place.

"Shh…." He'd shake his head. "I know… it's okay… don't even think about being sorry… that's like apologizing for being _human_ …"

She moved herself between his legs, resting her back against his chest and letting him envelope her in his strong arms as he leaned against the wall. "What the actual _fuck_ just happened though…" She'd finally articulate; and despite the seriousness of the anxiety that had just consumed her, she actually found herself finding _humor_ in that question. "Part of me thinks she can't be serious but… another part _knows_ she's not smart enough to make up a story with that many details…" She shook her head. "But Hank would've told me if there was a _chance_ … or I'd just _know…"_ She shook her head. "I don't want to insult him by asking if there's any truth to her story…. remember how I flipped my shit when he listened to her about the fucking pregnancy test…." She closed her eyes, this was all becoming too much again.

"Well… that's because he approached you at work and he was more accusing than asking… you… you can't just not ask him what she's talking about…. he knows how she is… you just tell him the truth… she came over… tells this story…. you can't get it out of your head…. it's just something you need to know…"

"I'm not sure if it's something I even _want_ to know… what good would it even do at this point…." She'd gnaw thoughtfully at her bottom lip. "I…" She shook her head. "I can't… I can't deal with it right now… three days…. three days until the most perfect day… and I can't… this is what she wanted…. for me to _obsess_ over this for this to get into my head so that it was all I could think about…. that's how… _diabolical_ she can be…." It was than that she'd stop letting her anxieties get the best of her. Maybe this is something she'd bring up to Hank one day…. but not right now. "I'm not letting her win…. I… I _won't_ do it." She shook her head and moved to stand, reaching her hands out to him once he'd followed suit. "We're getting _married_ in three days…. I don't care if she's lying or not… I don't care about if Hank's going to freeze up and get uncomfortable if or when I ask him…. I just care that I'm going to be walking down and aisle with you waiting at the end and…." That was what would make the tears finally fall from her hazel eyes but they wouldn't be tears of sadness; it would just be that she was so overcome with emotion imagining that scenario. She'd seek reprieve from her tears by letting her lips find his.

The kisses he'd press to her lips would make her tears stop and they'd be even more of a reminder of how their love was _all_ that mattered to her. When their kiss broke, she'd risen to her tiptoes as he'd drawn her against him and it was only with that little extra height that she'd be able to rest her head in the crook of his neck while his arms came around her waist to add support. It wasn't until they were swaying slowly side-to-side and absentmindedly that the next thought would occur to her. "We don't have a song…" She'd said suddenly, her voice quiet as her lips spoke into the skin as the base of his neck, sending a chill up his spine that would result in goose bumps prickling the back of his neck and forearms.

"We have lots of songs actually… kind of like a mix tape of all the things you _aren't_ humming in the car…. or thinking I can't hear you singing over the sound of the shower…." He smiled, pulling back to look at her, her own arms dropping to his waist now so they could have an unobstructed view of each other while still staying close.

"First of all, I hate you and shut up…. second of all, I meant for our first dance…" She giggled gently, "That's like required at these things, right?" She asked, tilting her head to the side a little.

"Well I mean… we can do whatever we want but having a first dance with you is definitely a personal requirement of mine… " He admitted, his lips brushing against her forehead. "I wasn't making fun of you… I honestly love it… you sound better than you give yourself credit for…"

She'd roll her eyes at his compliment; he was clearly blinded by his love for her, she knew she couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. "Did you have any song in mind when you were adding this necessity to your list of demands?" She smirked, and he shrugged.

"Eh… maybe… but now you're making me feel weird about it…"

"What, no… I'm not trying to! I think it's sweet that you're more romantic than I am…. you're just more _thoughtful_ in general, if I'm being honest." She added with a matter-of-fact shrug of her shoulders. "Tell me…" She added, kissing his shoulder in gentle encouragement she hoped with persuade him.

"I came in that first night you cooked… when you slayed that spaghetti and you were wearing that green apron…. you had sauce on your cheek and your hair was pulled up in this crazy pile on top of your head but you still looked like a million bucks. You hadn't heard me come in… I watched you at the stove and you were absolutely _belting_ it out to Adele until I caught you singing and your face turned red and you'd rushed over to kiss me…." He smiled thoughtfully at the memory that he had memorized every vivid detail of, right down to the exact placement of that smudge of sauce where it seeped into her dimple as she'd smiled at him.

"I wish I could remember what it was…" Embarrassment would tint her cheeks as she wished she could be just as in that memory as he was right now. "I'd been listening to a mix of Adele for like two hours…." But then her eyes were a lit with a hint of recognition that signaled that maybe she did remember, she closed her eyes and the memory he'd just described came back to her more clearly now. "It _is_ the perfect song but…. I'm _beyond_ embarrassed you heard me…." She shook her head. How was it she could have a panic attack in front of him, let him see her naked and do _unspeakable_ things to her body, but it was the idea of him catching her doing some karaoke that made her shrivel up and die. He found this idea much more amusing than she would.

"Only fair if I sing it to you then, right?" He'd ask, happy to put himself on the spot again for her, to prove that there was truly _nothing_ he wouldn't do for her, just as the song he was about to play for them would imply.

He'd disappear to the bedroom to grab his phone before scrolling to find the song they'd been discussing. Normally he'd hook it into the bluetooth speaker so the sound would fill their place but it was past one in the morning now, and he was too considerate for that. So they'd settle for it spilling from the speaker of his phone as he placed a hand on her hip, drawing her into him, his other hand reaching for hers, keeping them risen up and away from them as the music poured out of the speaker.

His voice would be more of a whispered hum at first. Despite volunteering himself to do this; he felt just as if she'd been the one to put him on the spot. He'd listened to that song more times than he'd admit to her because after that day, it had become their unofficial anthem to him. His voice would gain some conviction as they listened to her crooning voice begin the second verse; he'd sing-song whisper the words into her ear right along with the recording;

" _When the evening shadows_

 _And the stars appear_

 _And there is no one there_

 _To dry your tears_

 _I could hold you_

 _For a million years_

 _To make you feel my love"_

The song, originally penned by Bob Dylan would fit more perfectly than he could've imagined. Their mutual love of Bob Dylan had been one of the first things she'd bonded over with Camille. It felt like this was just another part of her; the only _real_ mother she'd ever really experienced growing up, that would be with her on their special day.

They'd dance the rest of the song in silence as their lips had found each others and him finishing out his voluntary torture would be the last thing on her mind as she fully took in the lyrics and the understanding that in… _less_ than three days now, given that it was _officially_ Thursday morning, she'd be dancing to this song again but she'd be in that amazing gown and he'd be in his blues. They'd be surrounded by the people who really mattered; celebrating their love in the _most_ official way.

That visual was enough to help her to shove away all the drama Bunny had brought with her tonight. But it wasn't in her normal compartmentalizing way; it _wasn't_ a way to avoid and escape.

It was her refusal to be kicked down when she was so far up right now. That pain could come for her another day; but right now, she wouldn't allow _anything_ to ruin their happiness; the light of which she was _sure_ could outshine _any_ darkness.

 _ *****Author's note: Obviously I do take credit for the amazingly done rendition of "To Make You Feel My Love" by Adele or the immaculately written lyrics of Bob Dylan. If you've never listened to this version of this song; do yourself a favor and check it out… it's beautiful! Also while I have your attention I just want to say again how grateful I am for all the reviews, reblogs, and pms I have been getting. I am overwhelmed by your compliments and I am just so excited to keep writing and telling this story that so many more of you have become invested in than I ever would've thought possible. So thank you, thank you, thank you! I am beyond humbled by your compliments.**_


	25. Chapter 25

Despite her iron clad resolve to _not_ let what Bunny had said and done get to her; she'd found herself in a restless state of non-sleep all night, wrestling with the impact of her mother's words. She didn't want to obsess over this. She didn't even want to assign merit to Bunny's claims because she _knew_ that they had only been staked to get to her. But still, she found her mind wondering what part of what she'd said was true, if any of it.

Jay had felt her agitated attempts to fall asleep as well and though he'd managed to sneak in a few hours of his own, he was acutely aware of how uneasy she was. _He_ was dying to confront Hank about what Bunny had said…. it would answer a lot of questions for him as well, but he knew it wasn't his place to go behind her back. But as he watched her, listlessly rolling onto her side for the millionth time, he knew he had to do something. Their alarm would go off in just over an hour and he was almost positive her eyes hadn't managed to close even once since they'd lain down. "Baby…" He groaned into the pillow, "I love you more than life but… the constant tossing and turning it's _killing_ me…. you haven't gotten any sleep… how can I help you…"

"I'm so sorry…" She bit her lip, she hadn't even considered how much her exaggerated sighing and constant flip-flopping would impact his own sleep and it wasn't her intention to drag him down with her.

"No—that's not what I was looking for… I'm being serious…. how can I help you?" He asked again, his tone more gentle and less annoyed now.

"I don't know…" She began with a frustrated sigh. "I… I don't want to think or worry about it but… I can't…stop… it's all I can think about…" She rolled from her back to her side so she could look at him better. "She always knows how to get to me… even when I try _so_ hard not to let her…. I thought I was really strong this time…"

"You were strong… you _are_ strong… but babe…. it's normal to be curious and to want answers…. it's not just you letting her get to you…. it's you… needing to know if this is the answer to a question you've asked for years. A question you've been given a false answer to more than once…. if you weren't obsessing over this… that might actually make me worry more…" He brought his hand up to lay over her waist and he scooted her closer to him, hoping that the safety his arms; which always made her feel safe, would bring her at least some momentary relief.

"But…. part of me…. a _big_ part of me…. I _believe_ her…. even though I know how she is and I know her track record…. it just seems….. and then I feel bad because that means I'm doubting Hank's loyalty and honesty to me and…. that man can be a royal pain in the ass but…. he's usually upfront with me about the stuff that really matters…. I'd like to believe that if he thought there was a chance he was my biological father he would've found out…. or at least…." She sighed. "I mean… that would change things between us… if he's known all along…. how can I…." She shook her head. She wasn't sure if she could forgive him or Bunny if they'd knowingly kept this concealed all these years. Then, where would that leave her? She shuddered at the thought. "Fuck… she _won_ …. I'm going to lose it…. and I'm going to ruin things and…."

"Shhh…." He soothed. "No, you won't… you can't ruin this…. I promise." He dropped his lips to capture her own. "I can talk to Hank with you… or alone…. or we can ignore this and pretend it didn't happen but…. just tell me how I can help you and I'll do it… I just can't sit here and watch you in all this pain…. it _hurts_ me…."

He knew that last line would help her to figure out what to do. Erin was _really_ good at letting herself hurt and endure tortures that she didn't deserve. But she couldn't stand watching him in pain. Maybe it was selfish, but he'd use any motivation possible to pull her out of this. "I don't _know_ what I want…." She sighed. That was the problem. Confronting Hank could wind up opening a can of worms that she wasn't prepared for. But sitting here, not knowing, it was eating away at her and the more she thought about it, the more confused and hurt she'd grown. She wasn't sure which would wind up being worse in the end. "Actually, I do know… what I want is for Bunny to have never said any of that…" But obviously, that was an impossible option.

Jay offered her a weak smile, "What you _need_ is some rest… a clear head would do you some good…" His words would be accompanied by a yawn that would punctuate his own tiredness. It would make her even more aware of how tired she was herself, and work was looming over them both.

"We need to stop making habits of having heart to hearts at ungodly hours…" She knew there was no way she'd get to sleep, "You should sleep… I should go to the couch so I stop bothering you…"

"Less of a chance I'll fall asleep with you so far away… c'mere…. let me rub your back…" He offered gently and after she'd rolled onto her stomach; his fingers would move to trace lazy patterns on her spine, pushing up the thin fabric of her shirt so he could touch her warm skin. Each place he touched would be left with a slight tingle. It was impossible for her not to find comfort in his motions and much to her surprise, her eyes would close and she'd find herself drifting off finally. She'd only get about twenty minutes of rest before her alarm was meant to go off, but Jay had kidnapped her phone after she'd fallen asleep and he'd shut the alarm off. She needed to rest and there was something he needed to do as well. He kissed her forehead gently before moving as slowly and quietly as he could to get out of bed.

He hadn't fully thought out the plan he was already executing as he walked into the kitchen, her phone raised to his ear. There was sternness to his voice when he spoke into the phone's receiver. "It's Jay. We need to talk…. where can we meet?"

He'd left a note for her and set it on top of her phone, which he'd placed back on the charger for her now that he was done. He'd set a new alarm, set to go off an hour and a half later. It wasn't much sleep, but it was more than she'd get otherwise. The note simply read: _Taking care of something before work. You needed sleep, don't be mad. You're only an hour late and I texted Voight to let him know. We're getting married in two days, things come up, he understands. Love you._

After getting into his car; he had called Voight, and despite the fact that he'd been tempted to just ask him outright if there was any truth to the claims Bunny had made, he refrained. He'd provided his boss with only a half truth as he spoke to him on the phone as he drove to a coffee shop on the east side. "Bunny came over last night…. she was pissed at Erin for not inviting her to the wedding… they had it out. She'd kill me for saying anything Sarge, so please… just say I told you it was a wedding emergency…. I…. I'm on my way to _handle_ it now…" Hank would concede his understanding and offer his appreciation to Jay for keeping him informed.

He would make two more phone calls and one quick stop on his way. With all loose ends tied up, he could do what he'd set out to do. Precisely eighteen minutes and fifteen seconds after leaving their apartment, he was pulling up to the meeting place she'd requested; a small coffee shop aptly named 'Drip.'

Jay had kept his mouth shut for the most part last night as he watched the vile excuse for a woman he was about to meet launch her latest verbal attack on his future wife. But he was done being silent now.

He'd half expected her not to agree to meet and like most of his plans as of late; he hadn't exactly thought this one through to the point of execution. So as he arrived there and found a spot, he'd find himself waiting impatiently for the older woman as he paced nervously in front of the coffee shop. He'd considered going in to order them coffees- he could only assume Bunny took hers black; like her heart. But he decided it was better to just wait for her outside; so he had. Of course she was late; it seemed only natural she would be.

His hands were shoved into his pockets as she approached him on the sidewalk and in spite of his feelings for her; he greeted her kindly. "Hello, Bunny." He offered gently; moving to open the door for her to go inside.

"Jay," She'd remark; nodding her head slightly in acknowledgment as she walked inside the dark, dank, hole in the wall coffee shop.

They stepped into the line silently together and he paid for her coffee; which he was amused to find she did in fact take black. After taking care of those initial formalities, they'd ambled over to a booth in the back corner and after taking a few long sip of from their sleeved styfrofoam cups; Bunny was speaking. "So, she's sent you to do her bidding?" Her tone was dry.

"Actually, she has no idea I'm here. I came on my own accord…" He cleared his throat.

"Oh… _I see_ … so this is your big grand gesture to rescue her from me and gain favor-"

Jay cut her off. "I don't need grand gestures Bunny…. that's…. that's not what this is about. I came here to talk to you as your daughter's fiancé and someone who loves her. I have some questions for you and, I'd appreciate it if we could keep this civil…"

"I know she's told you _lots_ of terrible stories about me…. but…. I've got some real doozies about her too you know…"

Jay would sigh again. "That's not the point… Bunny, please. Don't go there, okay? Erin is the first one to defend you, to me, to Hank; to anyone. Can you give her a little credit here? What you said last night…. it really affected her and she needs to know the truth and this isn't something she should have to ask Hank… and it certainly wasn't something she should have heard about for the first time as it was shouted in her face by you when you were drunk and angry and it was after midnight…. now I have heard you more than once defend how close you and Erin were and how hard you worked for her when she was a kid… well now's the time to prove that Bunny…. with all do respect, if you loved her as much as you claim to… you wouldn't have done what you did – not in that way…." He was surprised she'd let him get through that whole little speech without interrupting him as he'd done to her. But it seemed as though the words were sinking in and she looked down at her coffee and he could feel some shame radiating off of her. Maybe she did have a heart. "You owe it to her to make it right…. she shouldn't have this looming over her…. you _know_ that…."

Bunny sighed and took another long sip of her coffee. "I'm not a bad person." She defended herself.

"No one is saying—"

She would cut him off this time. "I'm a good person who makes terrible choices. Especially when I've been drinking...I can admit that but… she isn't always innocent. She is _really_ good at playing the victim… something tells me you know that though…" She shrugged. "Yeah, okay, I was a bitch…. BUT… I'm her _mother_ I should be at her fucking wedding… "

"You don't think some big part of her does wish that you were the kind of mother she could invite?" There was more edge to his voice now. "But look at you… look at what you do to her when you're mad or hurt…. you come in and you rock her world and you jumble it all up and you don't care what it does to her…. so can you blame her for wanting to keep this one special day from having a chance of that happening?"

His words would affect her more than she wanted to admit. "Well… I…." She was at a loss for how to defend herself.

"You can make this right, Bunny. And I think deep down you know that is the _very_ least of what you owe her for all you've put her through… and I don't just mean last night…." He meant for the things Erin had told him about and also the ones she'd probably never speak of. He meant for the words Bunny had said and the ones she should have that remained unspoken. He meant for all the times she'd used her up until she had nothing left to give; yet still came back for more. "She loves you; in spite of all of it…. and…. I have to tell you I don't get how she does but… she leaves room for you in her heart… if you only knew _half_ of what…" He stopped himself. Those weren't his secrets to share.

"You love her." Bunny lamented, and though it may have sounded more like a question than a statement; she'd said it matter-of-factly. "One look at you shirtless the other night and I figured she was in it for the sex but…." She shrugged. "Seems like you have something…. _real._ "

"It's very real." Jay would remark back, staring into her eyes as if to prove his point. "And that's why I'm here… and… that's why I need to get these answers for her because… she is _really_ happy right now and she deserves that… you _know_ she does. On some level…. that has to be what you want for her…" He'd swallow the lump in his throat and it was his turn to cast his eyes down towards his drink as he waited.

"Hank and I did sleep together…. but…. we were safe and it…. listen there is a very small, small off chance that maybe it was Hank but…. I doubt it was. She gets her looks from me, you know. I was… a _busy_ woman in my hay day… and not many of my _suitors_ were as careful as Hank… but _then…_ when a man is married and he sleeps with you…." She shrugged her shoulders, but he could tell it was an act. "Erin and I hurt each other… it's our… love language. She's a big girl; she can handle it. She always has…. besides…." Her eyes were boring so hard into him that he was forced to lift his gaze to meet them, if only to end the discomfort he felt. "Hank _knew_ …. he isn't innocent. I think part of him always thought _maybe_ … he bailed us out more than enough times when Erin was a kid… and it wasn't because I was some regular booty call or loyalty to me… he _loved_ _her_ … from the very beginning they had this connection and…" That was all Bunny would be willing to offer on the sentimental front. "And he _used that_ to worm his way in and poison her against me all so he could be her savior…. and you know, for as brave as she acts…. she needs _a lot_ of saving. There's no church confessional big enough to hold all her sins. No drug that can make all her memories go away… _believe_ me, she tried most of them…"

"That's enough." His voice would be firm again and he gave her a warning look. "Did you and Hank ever discuss this possibility?"

"No, he was never man enough to bring it up and I had other _things_ going on…." She shrugged. "He had his family, he didn't need us… until she was 15… and she started to look more like a woman and then _suddenly_ he's interested in her coming to live with him? She ever tell you the story of the time he caught her _soliciting_ outside of club…. it was _right_ before she went to live with him… she was looking to score some H. She had a fake ID, some red lipstick, and a push up bra that said she was 18 though… he rolled up on her in unmarked car…. cracked the window just enough to hear her offer him a—"

"Stop! Just stop… this desperation doesn't look good on you. Is this story supposed to scare me away? Make me love her less? Make me think she's a slut? You think I don't know how was the first one to turn her out? Teach her how to use her body to get what she wanted? To get you what _you_ wanted? To get her the approval from you she craved?" His eyes were alit with rage and he was aware now of how loud his voice had gotten as the disgust consumed him at Bunny's pathetic attempt to inflict more damage. He knew that Erin had confessed things he'd just brought up in that letter that were meant for only him but dammit Bunny deserved to have her own sins shoved down her throat for a change instead of always being the one doing the shoving.

He rose from his chair and gathered his coffee and the one he'd gotten for Erin and turned back towards her one more time before he would storm out of there, leaving her unable to get in the last word. "How _you_ could possibly have had _anything_ to do with creating _her_ is beyond my comprehension. She is _nothing_ like you; _remember that_. And you had _nothing_ to do with the incredible person she has become and all she has made for herself. Hank doesn't get that credit either. It was _her_ … on her own. _Remember that_." Then he shifted the coffees into one hand and reached into his back pocket to produce an envelope that he'd set in front of her.

"Hank paid off Jimmy and he gave you conditions. I'm guessing he believes that you honored them… so you are going to now. You are going to call your friend Vanessa and tell her you're coming to Indianapolis. My good friend _Officer_ Kevin Atwater is going to pick you up at this exact location at 7:45 PM _tonight_. He'll show you his badge to prove it's him. Big black dude; hard to miss. There is $300 in that envelope. You meet Kevin and he watches you board the bus; he gives you another $500, from me. That should help you figure things out while you couch surf with Vanessa, maybe get a hotel a few nights… and then… you are going to stop calling her and you're going to leave her alone. If you fail to do _any_ of these things, then I let Hank know that you're still here and how he handles that information, well…. that will be up to him. I hear the Silos are a great place for a quiet conversation…." And with that, he would leave, seething.

His knuckles and his vision would each be spotted white with rage as he drove to the district. The adrenaline that coursed through him made it nearly impossible to calm down but he knew he had to, for her sake. He'd take a few more moments to collect himself in the car once he'd arrived at the district.

But, as soon as he'd made it upstairs, and his eyes had met hers, he'd been made. She nodded her head towards the break room telling him to meet her there. "You saw Bunny…" She said, eyes wide, taking in the coffee cups in his hand. "Drip was…." She rolled her eyes. "It doesn't matter. But, she knew you'd get me a coffee and that I'd see that cup…" She rolled her eyes. Her mother was unbelievable. "What happened?" She asked, crossing her arms.

"We spoke… she admitted what she said was out of anger and after she described how she…. _carried_ herself at that time, I'd say there is a good chance that there is no way _he_ really is. She knew it would get to you…. she…. she is pretty masterful at finding what to say to get under people's skin… I'll give her that…" He shuddered as he'd recalled some of their conversation. "But, I _handled_ it. She's going to see Vanessa finally… and she's _really excited_ to stay there for _a while_ and get a fresh start. Let's just… leave it at that, okay?"

Erin would study him carefully and for some reason, she wasn't mad to know he'd gone to see her mother behind her back. Surviving a one-on-one with Bunny should earn you a badge. The fact that he'd willingly subjected himself to that, for _her_ sake, wasn't lost on her. Her heart swelled slightly. "I want to be mad," She admitted. "But… I just really fucking love you." She moved to hug him tenderly and then, she'd whisper into the fabric of his black t-shirt. "Thank you…"


	26. Chapter 26

Friday would be a blur of last minute details being finalized and they'd barely had a moment alone together between going into the district that morning to tie up loose ends and pass their files that would need tending to over the next week on to their team and running errands. After leaving; they'd split up to tend to different tasks that needed finishing.

Erin had spent a majority of the afternoon and late evening with Kim at the house in Wicker Park where tomorrow; her life would change forever. They'd been making paper flowers off of Pinterest that had seemed _so_ easy. They weren't fucking easy. Not even a little. And it had taken _far_ too long to get the six decent ones in front of them made and she decided that was plenty and was ready to abandon the idea altogether.

This Pinterest fail had called for her abandoned the crash liquid bridal diet she'd been on most of the week but very strictly the last two nights. Kim had called in reinforcements; Adam, Jay, Will, and Kev would show up with a couple of deep-dish pizzas and a case of craft beer. Adam would prove to be surprisingly adept at making paper flowers and by the time the guys were leaving an hour and a half later, he'd singlehandedly crafted the fourteen more they needed.

Kim had agreed to stay the night with her because Jay had _insisted_ that they honor the tradition of not seeing each other before the wedding and she was trying her best to honor his request, though she knew she'd get little to no sleep staying at a stranger's place and without him there beside her in the bed. Their only moment of alone time would come when he kissed her there on the porch, lovingly for a long time before Will was honking the horn to tell him to hurry up. She'd flipped the car full of hoodlums who'd rolled their windows down to hoot and holler at them as Erin had jumped into his arms; legs wrapped around his waist, to kiss him deeply and slowly until she had to force the kiss to an end herself before she'd become too hot and bothered to let him leave at all. "It's 11:58…." Adam had sing-songed out the window and that had been the only thing that had made him return her feet to the ground.

"Tomorrow," He'd grin against her lips. "I get to call you my wife."

"I can't wait." She's sigh breathlessly and she'd steal just _one_ more passionate kiss before he'd taken his leave for his brother's car.

Alice and Anthony Edwards had an amazingly styled three-story brownstone home in the heart of Wicker Park. Thanks to Alice's green thumb, they had the most amazing yard in the neighborhood. With a master bedroom that was larger than their entire apartment, the remaining five guest rooms were each decorated in crisp neutral colors with clean lines and pops of pastels.

They'd agree Erin should stay there since she'd need the space to get ready and Jay had arranged for a hair and make up team to meet her there the next morning and he'd also arranged to have breakfast delivered for her and Kim who was on strict instructions to keep Erin watch and call Jay if she needed absolutely anything. He didn't want her stressing out or lifting a finger she didn't need to. While she appreciated how he'd taken care of everything, just like he'd promised, she was a little sour that he and Will and the boys would be drinking beer on their comfortable couch and he'd probably crash diagonally on the bed they usually shared; happier than he'd admit that he could really stretch out his long legs.

She and Kim would watch _The Wedding Singer_ for a while before her friend, who had been working overtime all week to make up for her furlough, had started to fade out on the couch. Erin had insisted she go to bed and after shooing her into the third of five guest rooms, Erin found herself incredibly bored. And when Erin was bored; her mind tended to wander. Usually it happened into dark places; but tonight; it only found happy ones. Tonight; her mind would _only_ wander to _him._

Those happy thoughts would put her in her car and driving back to their place. She'd have to step over the body of Ruzek who'd passed out behind the couch, and she couldn't stop herself from mothering both him and Kevin, who was asleep more comfortably on the actual furniture, by getting and subsequently covering them each with blankets she'd retrieved from their linen closet.

She planned to slip into bed next to Jay without him noticing but when she'd put a painstaking amount of effort into turning the door handle so slowly that it wouldn't make a sound; she'd find he wasn't in bed.

Despite the fact that it was now 2:30 AM, she'd discover that he was in the shower due to the slight glow of light that emitted from the crack at the bottom of the bathroom door and the sound of streaming water. It brought a smile to her face to think that he hadn't been able to find sleep without her there in bed next to him just as she hadn't been able to despite the luxuriously comfortable sheets and mattress of the bed she should've been in at the Wicker Park house.

She opened the bathroom door much less carefully than she'd done their bedroom one and her hand very easily found the light switch this time and she switched it off before moving inside. "What the fuck?" Jay's curse would come from his shock at being suddenly in the dark.

"Relax," Her voice was quiet with gentleness, "It's just me."

"Erin! We're not supposed to see each other after midnight-"

She cut him off. "Then close your eyes," The sound of her shirt hitting the floor would punctuate her next phrase, "..because I'm coming in!" Her pants would join her shirt and her unmentionables would follow suit as well and then she was pulling the curtain back and closing her own eyes as she stepped into the shower. She'd be taken aback after finding herself immediately pulled into a passionate kiss that would soon turn to the ultimate passion and they wouldn't speak any other words before their hands were roaming over each other's body and then he was picking her up to press her against the wall and finish what they'd started on the porch mere hours ago.

If she'd remembered that two of her favorite teammates were asleep in their living room and his brother was occupying their guest bedroom as well, she would've probably made more of an effort to be quiet. But as the hot water had streamed over them and his hands had tangled into her hair and trailed teasingly across her breasts, she found herself so lost in pleasure that she had little time to consider anything else but the fact that she loved him fiercely and she lusted for him just as intensely.

She'd finish once in the shower and she'd bite down on his shoulder as he'd pulled out before his own chance at release; which she knew would send her over the edge for a second time as well. This had almost made her open her eyes and break their deal but he was kissing her softly and whispering into her ear about how he needed a bed to really show her what making love meant and they'd put little effort into drying each other off with fluffy towels before he was picking her up again and carrying her to the bed to fulfill his promise.

He was impressively deft at navigating his way without opening those baby blues and without the muffling of running water; her moans would be unmistakable now. He'd silence them with kisses to keep her dignity, though he'd let them slip out occasionally because _fuck_ did the sweet sound of them turn him on. Neither of them could help stealing glances of the other during this ardent process; but never at the same time, so those forbidden looks would remain a secret forever.

They'd find sleep after he'd given her a third orgasm; this time with his tongue; and she'd reluctantly hear her alarm going off only four hours later saying that she needed to head back to get ready for….

She'd basically shoot out of bed with the realization that today; _she was marrying Jay Halstead_.

She'd cover her eyes with one of her hands and his with the other as the sound of her beeping alarm would stir him awake as well. "Shhh don't say anything… and _don't_ open your eyes." She whispered and kissed him. "Go back to sleep… I booked you and the boys a tee time at 10:00 AM at The Glen Club and lunch after… have fun, but not _too_ much fun! I'm headed to get beautiful for you-"

He'd cut her off there, "I don't even have to open my eyes to say with absolute certainty that you are already breathtakingly beautiful to me already; just as you are right now." His hand would feel around for her face to bring it down to meet his lips again.

"You ain't seen nothing yet, Halstead…" She would smile against his mouth and kiss him a couple more times before she was whispering "I love you" and he was too and then she was leaving their room with a surprisingly amount of pep in her step given the early hour.

"Good morning Lindsay…" Adam would smirk from his place on the floor, "From the sounds I heard coming out of that bedroom—I say that with absolute conviction!" He smirked and then she rolled her eyes, throwing a shoe at him before slipping out the door.

She'd make it back before Kim had woken up and soon enough breakfast had arrived for them and hair and make up as well. The smell of bacon would rouse Burgess and she'd immediately set to work fussing over Erin and playing a mix of songs with love and wedding themes that she'd created on Apple music.

Trudy Platt—self appointed wedding day director would show up moments later and absolute slay the shit out of her self given title. Throughout the day she'd direct florists and caterers, the people dropping off the chairs and tables and transforming the garden into the ceremony space that would transition easily into a reception one. She'd seen to it that Erin's dress and veil were steamed and in a special moment that would be shared only between the two of them; she'd sit down across from Erin who now had a full face of wedding make up and hair that had been intricately pulled back with baby's breath flowers woven into the braids that would meet behind her head in a look that reminded her very much of all the princess and fairytale happy endings she'd always fallen in love with as a little girl.

"Camille's dress is your something borrowed," Trudy began her mental checklist. "Jay's mother's ring is your something old… those amazing heels are your something new…." She referred to the pair of cream-colored Louboutins that Jay had splurged on for her despite the fact they were ridiculously expensive. "So, you need something blue." She'd hand Erin an envelope. "It's kind of a stretch but, just follow with me on this."

Erin would open the envelope to find a small photograph of Nadia, it was the professional picture she'd had taken to get an ID card to work upstairs with them in intelligence. As the younger woman's breath seemed to catch in her throat, Trudy would continue. "Blue the color… blue the feeling… seems like there is room for interpretation in the little limerick if you ask me. Besides, that shirt can be considered blue…"

There was no one who had a softer spot for Nadia than Erin but Trudy was an extremely close second place. The love they shared for her had united them after her passing and this small gesture was enough to water Erin's eyes. "Good thing this mascara is waterproof…." She'd say and she would pull Trudy into the most genuine and expressive hug they'd ever shared.

Trudy would dab at Erin's eyes to fix her make up after their exchange of tears; in the most motherly moment Erin would have that day; one that would have her aching for Camille and not Bunny.

A little while later, her ache for the woman she'd grown to emulate in the years they lived under the same roof would grow when Hank was knocking on the door, just after Trudy and Kim had finished lacing her into the corset much more tasteful than the one they'd helped her into just over a week ago when they'd all headed out for her bachelorette escapades.

His eyes would instantly water with tears Kim and Trudy would both pretend not to notice when they silently agreed to give them a moment alone and shut the door as they left. They'd both find their own eyes watering when they walked down the hall; moved by the sight of their favorite hard ass, tough guy at his most vulnerable.

"Hank—" Her voice would catch in her own throat. "Don't! I can't cry I've already broken down twice and I cannot take anymore touch ups to this make up…" She smiled gently at him, her hand extending out; he'd take it gratefully, raising it to his lips to press a fatherly kiss to the back of her hand.

"I didn't think it was possible that any woman could do that dress justice like Camille but…. wow, Erin. You look even more _beautiful_ than when you first put it on…"

His words would betray her resolve to not cry again and her eyes would become red with emotion as a few tears slipped down her cheeks. "Hank," She'd whisper his name again and then her hand would tug him closer and he'd wrap her in a hug. "I love you." She'd whisper into the collar of his blues; a look that always made him appear so sharp. Those words would undo his resolve and she'd hold him tenderly as his shoulders shook with sobs for a few moments.

"I love you too, kid. And I'm happy for you. I know I gave you and Halstead a hard time in the beginning but; call it _overprotectiveness_ if it makes you feel better, I have to look out for you. But, now I know he is looking out for you one hundred and fift percent, I guess I can let up on you a little." He'd wink at her and then he'd force himself to leave before he could break down with emotion again and he'd leave her alone, to stand in front of the floor to ceiling mirrored closet door where she'd regard herself for the first time alone; in that gown.

Her hands would come up to her mouth and she was momentarily stunned at how she looked. It wasn't just that she looked and felt more beautiful than she ever had in her life, but seeing herself in this dress; on this day, it really meant something. She was marrying the love of her life; her soul mate. Her everything. Her _only_ thing.

Happenstance had brought them to Intelligence. Hank had made them partners. Natural connection had made them fast friends. Stolen glances had ignited the spark. Silent longings had grown the desperate need for one another. Her briefly leaving the unit would allow them to give in to desires that had grown impossible to ignore. An insatiable need for each other would make it impossible to severe their connection once it had been made, even after she'd come back. Darkness would come for them way more than it should have but they'd always find their way back to one another. Fitting together, as they always had, like puzzle pieces. _All_ of those things had brought them to _this_ exact moment. This promise of forever that suddenly had her so shook she almost found herself forgetting to breathe.

When Kim turned the door handle, Erin would take a sharp inhale that would refill her lungs with oxygen and bring her back down to Earth; especially as her friend said the next words breathily. " _It's time_ …"

The walk from the second floor guestroom to the backyard would seem to take years and she'd catch a glimpse of him out the window before he'd get a chance to see her once those doors opened. He looked impossibly more handsome than ever; clean cut and shaven in his perfectly fitted blues, arms crossed in front of his well defined hip creases.

They'd opted against a wedding party; this was a moment for only them. Their friends who'd become family all dotted the seats and aisle she was about to take an even longer walk down; the makeshift walkway lined with lace and burlap.

She'd tucked the picture of Nadia into the simple bouquet of daisies and sunflowers that she clutched and she cast her eyes down to it with a soft smile knowing that somehow both she and Camille were here with her in this monumental moment.

Her eyes wouldn't leave Jay's after that and both of them would find their cheeks lined with tears as the music swelled and she was moving towards him _finally_. She hadn't opted for the traditional wedding march, selecting instead the absolutely breathtaking John Lennon song, but Regina Spektor cover; _Real Love_.

His breath hadn't just caught in his throat when he'd seen her; it had knocked the wind right out of him. Since the first time he'd seen her; he'd regarded her as the single most beautiful object he'd ever seen. But now; she was literally the most extraordinary vision he'd ever had the pleasure of bestowing his eyes upon. Combined with the significance of the lyrics of the song that he'd never heard before accompanied her walk; he was completely undone.

Her pace would quicken when she was near the end of that miles long aisle and she'd pass her bouquet off to Kim who sat next to Hank and Trudy in the front row before rushing to slip her hands into his. Jay couldn't resist pressing a soft kiss to her forehead after mouthing the word 'Wow' to her once she was at last in front of him.

Her dimples would almost ache by the end of that ceremony and as they'd made their appearance now they'd not leave her face the rest of the night it seemed.

Their eyes would refuse to leave one another's as they grasped hands which turned into forearms, and then elbows; their need to be close to one another unquenchable.

The officiant would take them through a beautiful ceremony:

" _Erin and Jay; marriage brings you together not just today, but each day that has lead you here, and each day that will transpire hereafter; to reach for common goals,  
and it is designed to provide the strength, courage and love for you to grow and thrive as a couple and a family._

 _The commitment of marriage is made with reflection, conviction and determination  
for a deep, enduring love and an everlasting promise to love, honor, protect, and care for one another, in times of lightness and darkness; struggles and success. _

_Today you enhance your life together by choosing to marry one another, by pledging to comfort and console each other, to work together as a family, to stand by each other through the ups and downs of life and to love each other forevermore."_

The pair of them, along with most of their friends would find tears in their eyes after only that beginning and by the time they were saying their vows; there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Erin would go first; repeating the words of the officiant. Although they'd both agreed that they'd be too much of a mess to write and recite their own personal vows; they'd opted for a less traditional option from the ones the officiant had given them when they'd met with her yesterday:

" _I, Erin Lindsay, take you, Jay Halstead, to be my_ _husband._ _I love you for who you are and for who I am when I am with you. I love you for your crazy sense of humor and your perspective on life. I love your eccentricities and how they shape who you are and who we are as a couple. I love your love of life and the adventures you lead me on. I love you because you love and support me. I love you standing beside me. And, I promise to love, cherish and protect you for the remainder of our lives."_

Jay would recite the same vows with their names in the opposite places and they were just barely sliding the bands onto each other's fingers before they were capturing each other's lips with equal force and passion before the officiant could even ask them to.

Claps, whoops, cheers, and other noises of celebration would emanate from the crowd and grow impressively loud for a group of such small size when the officiant said the last words; _"_ _This is a moment you have anticipated and waited to celebrate. I am honored to now pronounce that you are husband and wife… even though you've already done it once; you may now kiss the bride!"_

Jay would dip her back dramatically and he'd give her another kiss that would leave her swooning for the hours to come.

They'd dance the night away, drink too much champagne, get another unsolicited toast from Ruzek (he'd kept it much classier this time) and she'd almost wished the night would never end. But then, a limo was picking them up and taking them to a hotel next to the airport where their luggage was packed for their early morning flight to Miami.

That hotel room was where he'd take his time undoing that corset and cover absolutely every square inch of her body with kisses before he took her to bed for the first time wearing their newly minted titles.

"Husband…" She'd whisper into his neck when her first orgasm shook through her body seemingly in slow motion.

"Wife…" He'd growl more sensually, his lips pressing a hot wet kiss to the space between her breasts as he watched her; stunned to silence by the fact that this beautiful; incredible woman was _his._ Forever.


	27. Chapter 27

The flight to Miami had pulled them out of bed far too early. But, their adorable canoodling in the terminal and Jay's ability to charm the pants off of anyone; especially the two middle aged female airline employee's working at the terminal would find them upgraded to a pair of first class tickets as they cuddled up and found respite during the just over three hour nonstop flight that would find them landing in South Beach to warm temperatures, cool breezes, and palm tree line streets.

When they'd arrived they'd taken a shuttle to the hotel that would provide the night's accommodations. It was right on the water and in the middle of the boisterous, lively action that was known to proliferate South Beach.

After checking in they'd changed into bathing suits and lounged on beach towels provided by the resort. She'd wear the first of the bikinis gifted to her; this one from Gabby, it was red and strapless and the only one she'd received that either of them would deem modest enough to be seen in public. She wore a floppy sun hat to protect her delicate skin and they'd spent most of the day kissing, wading, and sunbathing—an act that would allow him to get handsy each time he'd help her reapply sunscreen.

When they'd gown tired of sandy toes and rowdy beach goers, they'd retired to the resort's adults only pool. They'd drink their late _liquid_ lunch in the pool around one pm and she would discover that frozen piña coladas were her new favorite thing. "Who knew a swim up bar was a thing?" She said, her elbows leaning against the pool wall. He stood in front of her in the water that was waist deep to him but hit just below her supple chest; his arms on either side of her as they enjoyed the cool reprieve of the pool and the frozen drinks he'd just retrieved for them from the bar that literally was part of the pool. He hadn't even left the water to get them, it was a fact that had fascinated them both and made them feel very touristy.

It was three o'clock when he'd decided he was done sharing her with anyone else for the day and they'd forgo their plans to grab dinner and go dancing; completely abandoning the part of his original pitch to take in some of Miami's famous nightlife. Instead they'd opt for burgers delivered by room service; flanked in fluffy robes that they'd discovered in the closet.

After dinner those robes would come off and no other fabric would touch their bodies other than the sheets they'd grow tangled in as they enjoyed several rounds of _married_ sex; which somehow just felt _better_.

The next morning they'd get ready to leave for a relaxation they'd never known. Jay had nearly blown his load just from picking up the vintage convertible and he swore that she looked even sexier now; with her hair blowing behind her in the warm breeze. The thin fabric of the white sundress she wore would become even more opaque from the sun's rays and he'd pull them over somewhere in the Everglades to give that backseat a proper introduction. When she was sliding her panties back up and maneuvering back into the front seat he'd pull her in for a kiss. "Officially the _greatest_ place we've ever had sex…" He'd remark breathily, before putting the key back in the ignition.

She'd take those words as a challenge for the remainder of their trip.

The drive was short in distance but made long by speed ordinances but he wouldn't mind as he enjoyed the view; and he wasn't looking at the crystalline waters on either side of the long bridges they'd drive over to reach their destination.

By the time they checked into their home for the next six days; a quaint bungalow that was on the beach and separated from the nearest neighbors by hundreds of feet and large tropical plants that gave way to more privacy. They'd make exceptional use of this privacy when the people occupying the bungalows on either side of them checked out on the fourth day of their own trip.

They'd toss their bags inside and then cuddle up in the hammock; pressing lazy kisses to each other's lips, as they were lulled to sleep by the beach waves crashing against the shore. When they'd finally stir awake a couple hours later; the hammock would prove a less than ideal space for their voracious sexual appetites and they'd move to the bedroom for the first time. "I have an idea…" She'd say with deviant eyes as she slid the small straps of her dress down her shoulders to encourage him to pull it the rest of the way down. It was an action he'd be more than happy to oblige and soon she was standing there in nothing but those lace panties he'd already pulled off of her in a hurry in the car that morning.

"I have a better idea…" He'd growl, snaking a hand around her waist to draw her nearly naked form against his still fully clothed one. "It involves you taking those off and me worshiping every inch of you…" He'd say lustfully into her ear before kissing her there and causing her to forget her own plans, as he'd lain her down so carefully on the bed it was if he thought she might break.

He'd press more teasing, open mouthed kisses down her neck, shoulders, and chest; paying special attention to each of her perfect breasts before moving to her arms and then down her stomach. She'd be writhing underneath him by the time that his lips had trailed to the waistband of the lace that separated them and she'd moan gently before biting her lip, begging for him to stop with those teasing kisses and just take her already. He'd shake his head with a playful grin but his eyes were filled with determination. He'd kiss over that soft white lace and across each of her hip bones and then to her inner thighs which would quiver as his tongue slid out to tease them even more than he'd done to the rest of her.

"Jay…." The way she said his name was lazy and urgent all at once and it had taken every bit of her energy to even produce that word as he muddled her brain completely with his kisses.

"Not yet…" He'd said back; his husky voice sending her even further over the edge.

She could hardly stand it when she felt his hands move back to her lithe hips and arch them up so his hands could hook into the fabric that she so desperately wanted him to remove from her body.

He would slide them down her thighs at the most painstakingly slow speed she was half thinking of just finishing _herself_ off, when she'd feel his lips against her thighs again, moving higher now that soft skin there was completely unobstructed. She'd expect to find his lips moving next to the place she so longed for them to be _right_ now but instead she'd feel them against her own mouth, in a kiss that would take her off guard; but not nearly as much as his next action.

He'd thrust into her so unexpectedly that a loud gasp would escape her lips and she'd arch her back so her chest was flush against him, her lips finding his again.

They'd make love like that for hours; stopping only after the sun had already gone down and they'd feel an ache of hunger that would replace the one for each other that had lead them to an innumerable amount of orgasms between them and an unspoken promise of plenty more just like them in the days they'd spend here.

The next morning; she'd be surprised to be the one dragging them out of their cyclical loop of sex and sleep. "If all we planned to do was nap and fuck we could've saved a lot of money and done it at our apartment…" She'd lament. Her words would prompt them to head to the lobby's guest services desk to book an excursion for the day.

They'd find that renting a tandem kayak could very well be the thing that made their marriage last only _slightly_ longer than his last.

"Erin.—" He tried to mask the frustration in his voice as they seemed to move around in a circle for what felt like the millionth time since they'd started this 3 mile trek to the site of a sunken ship they were supposed to be snorkeling in upon their arrival. At this rate, he'd just be happy if they made it back to the shore.

"I'm _trying!_ " She'd glare back at him as she turned her head. "But the person in the back steers and… _you're_ in the back!" She'd add, annoyance evident in her own voice as well.

"You're right _sweetie_ …" But there was nothing _sweet_ about the way he'd articulated that pet name he very rarely used for her; it was one that seemed more like an insult in the present moment. "But when you keep dragging your paddle on the same side it is making us go around in a circle so…."

"FINE!" She would set her paddle across her lap and fold her arms across her chest. "Then you do it!" She would grow only _more_ frustrated when it would prove he was right and it had been her fucking this up. He'd steer them deftly out of the narrow passageway they'd been stuck in for the past fifteen minutes. She _officially_ hated kayaking. He wouldn't catch what she'd muttered under her breath but he couldn't help but find her to be fucking adorable even if she was pouting.

He wasn't stupid enough to rub being right in her face; though he was convinced that if the situation were reversed, she'd totally do that to him. He'd rise above since this was a special occasion and he was in no position to say or do anything that would have her withholding sex on this weeklong escape to paradise. "Look we just need to be on opposite sides and it's smooth sailing…" When she'd ignored him, he dipped the edge of his paddle into the water and splashed her taut bare back with water that was cooler than expected and would cause her to gasp with shock as it hit her warm sun kissed skin. Fuck it; even if she _tried_ to withhold sex he felt he could put up a compelling argument to reverse her decision rather quickly.

"You bastard!" She laughed in spite of herself and then heaved her own paddle into the water, sending a wall of water backwards at him, much greater than the playful amount he'd just splashed at her. Their water fight would dissolve into giggles and laughter and she'd lean back slightly so he could press a kiss to the side of her face. They'd avoid a real fight and soon she was picking up her paddle and he was chanting "right…. left….. right….left…." until they'd gotten the hang of it and they'd glide much more quickly through the water and she'd stop cursing whoever invented this awful water craft and actually have fun.

"If your marriage survives a tandem kayak ride; it can survive anything!" The guide they'd meet to embark on their snorkeling adventure would remark. They'd both agree there was truth to that statement and share a smile over it.

She'd been about to suggest they turn this shipwreck into their _new_ title holder for 'greatest place we've ever had sex' when he'd turned to face her wearing a snorkel and she couldn't help but dissolve into unbridled laughter; her lustful feelings gone. But even wearing that ridiculous mask; he'd press a kiss to her lips that would form a wetness in her bathing suit bottoms she couldn't quite blame on the water.

Snorkeling was incredible and thanks to the underwater camera they'd been persuaded to buy when they'd booked this excursion, they had tons of incredible pictures to prove it. The three-mile kayak ride back to their resort would go much smoother than their original conquest had, but the rest of their evening plans would be ruined by the first appearance of sporadic and temperamental Florida rainstorms that were common this time of year.

It came almost out of no where; dark clouds rolling in that would gave way to sheets of rain and claps of thunder that would send them both in a run to get back to their bungalow after returning the kayak to the beach side rental shop.

The thin blue fabric of her beach cover up would become dotted with rain instantly and would be soaked all the way through by the time they reached the front porch. She'd get another devious look in her eyes as he fumbled for the keys and she moved her hand to her wrist to stop him. "Listen… I need to get you out of those wet clothes and get myself _into_ you as quick as possible-" He'd begin in protest of her actions.

"So take me right here." She'd dare, doing the work for him of removing the sopping wet sundress that had become see through anyway.

"We already tried the hammock…" He'd groan at the sight of her in that almost too small purple and white striped bikini.

"This wall looks fine to me…" And that was all the encouragement he'd need to press her against it, pushing aside the fabric of her bathing suit bottoms; too consumed by his need for her to tug them fully off.

When they'd both given in to penultimate release and he was lowering her feet to the ground; she'd whisper into his neck. "Porch of a private beach bungalow during a thunderstorm…" Her breathless words would trail off. "New greatest place." She'd add, when he'd given her a confused look. Her response would tug a smile to both of their lips.

The next two days would be filled with attempts to find a _greatest place_ that would outdo the next. A blanket on the beach at sunrise and sunset (they had to try both, for _science_ ), the outdoor shower of their bungalow during another of those appearing out of nowhere thunder storms, and an impressively balanced round of love making they'd have on a kayak at dusk the second night would all take turns holding that title.

Each time she came she'd mutter something about him being her husband and that reminder would fuel his own passionate release. After a bottle of wine with the dinner they'd ordered to be delivered to them, they sat on the gigantic white couch that occupied the living room of their bungalow, his head in her lap as she finished the last of that wine. "I love you so much," She said with a sigh, out of nowhere. It was evident she'd been thinking about something that had led her to vocalize that statement and his eyes would implore her own to provide further explanation. "Just thinking about how much fun we've had and…. how happy I am every time you call me your wife…"

"Well _wife,_ I love you too, _wife."_ He'd sing-song playfully, his long arm reaching up so his hand could cup her face. "You have no idea what effect it has on me to hear you call me your _husband_ …" He'd add with similar sentiment.

"Oh I think I have _some_ idea." She said with a wink before she was proving to him just how familiar she was with the affect her words could have on him.

The next day they'd decided to dress themselves up and go out for a fancy dinner at one of the four star restaurants located just off the resort property. "Good thing I didn't take your advice and just pack lingerie and bikinis," She'd remark to him as he zipped her into the soft yellow dress with a sweet heart neckline and empire waist that flared out into a long wispy pool of fabric that billowed at her feet.

"I could've lived without this reservation in favor of that." He'd confess and she knew he would have in a heartbeat. It was those words that would send her zipper back down just as quickly as it had been tugged up and they'd have to make it quick in order to make their reservation; something neither of them would object to.

He should've been more concerned when she'd remarked how the hurricane she was drinking, the _signature_ drink of the beachfront restaurant they'd selected for the night, tasted like it had no alcohol in it. She'd referred to them as a rip off but that hadn't stopped her from having four of them. When she stood up after they'd finished their meal, the slight wobble to her step would let her know that her taste buds had betrayed her. It was then he'd notice the flush in her cheeks, previously masked by the soft fairy lights that had cast shadows on them as they dined on the ocean facing patio seats. "You're drunk…" He'd whisper into her hair as he slung an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him for support.

"You're sexy..." She'd say with a slight slur, her lips finding his neck. "The things I am going to do to you when—"

"Erin!" He'd silence her with a kiss. "You are not whispering right now…" He warned, navigating her out of the busy cottage style front of the restaurant and onto the street that was completely abound with passersby, street performers, and a plethora of tourists.

"I know," Deviousness played in her smirk that would have one dimple deeper than the other as she bit her lip and stared up at him, a gleam in her eye that would force his own mind to drift to the things he'd do to her right there on this street corner if he were less of a gentleman.

The restaurant had been a brisk walk when they were both sober; it was much less than a mile off the property and pretty much a straight shot. He imagined it would be much longer now that she was somewhere past tipsy but not _yet_ drunk (even if that was how he'd described her before), evidenced by her giggles.

The street they stood on was rife with life and even though Erin's mind had just been on Ruzek's message about the key to a happy marriage and how she was going to give him one to remember as soon as they got "home" tonight, she'd been distracted by the liveliness around her.

Music poured from open doors of bars hosting live music for the night. People were already dancing and the lax policy about public drinking on Duvall street , a self proclaimed and tourist proven party destination, had drinks in their hands and above their heads. Strangers were instant friends here, it seemed. _Everywhere_ she looked, she saw happiness. She was sure that it wasn't just those four drinks she'd had, which had been _deceptively_ strong she'd come to realize even before he'd accused her of that almost truth about being intoxicated. It would be Dr. Charles' reminder to _let "happiness in"_ that would drive her next sentence. "We should stay out a little… _dance_ … listen to music!" She was searching for the words in her slightly foggy state; they were broken up with giggles and kisses she'd press to his lips in between them.

His eyes were already dark with lust remembering the lingerie she'd teased him with before he'd zipped her into this dress he'd told her made her look like sunshine. He was imagining where in that bungalow he'd leave it before hoisting her onto the kitchen counter; one of the only places they hadn't _christened_ since their arrival. Her words had almost angered him at first since they'd drawn him out of the fantasy that had made his pants a little _tighter_. But one look at her wide eyes that seemed to sparkle even more with the glow of their love and the light from the stars that you could see so clearly even in the well-lit street, and all frustration left him. "Yes… that is _exactly_ what we should do." He'd agree.

They'd walk a short way down the cobblestone streets that were lined more with people and bicycles than cars and find a band playing covers of 90's songs they both remembered and Jay would chug a few beers to catch up to her level of tipsy before they were both singing along to anthems of their childhoods. She'd find that hurricanes were _everywhere's_ signature drink in this most southern of places and so she'd had two more (she could especially not taste their alcohol content _now_ ) and had surpassed him once again before he was cutting them both off.

The way she'd pressed against him as they swayed and danced to the music; stealing kisses had made it impossible for him to stand not being able to _really_ touch her. His hand would find a seemingly permanent residence on the curve of her ass; a level of PDA they'd _never_ display at home. So, he'd closed their tab and she'd tossed way more dollar bills into the guitar players open case with a sign begging for tips than the amateur cover band may have deserved before his arm was around her waist again and he was leading her back to that bungalow.

His fantasy about the kitchen counter would be delayed when she'd recalled the one she'd been having before her focus had shifted to joining in the celebratory atmosphere of their previous destination.

She'd let him unzip her dress but had pushed him back to sit on the foot of the bed as she let that dress fall off of her body as slow as a drip of molasses. His tongue would peak out between his lips to reveal his lust for her in this painfully unhurried process. It was payback for the way he'd tormented her senses on their first night. It was a punishment he could certainly live with.

Once she'd finally let it fall to the floor he'd grabbed hungrily at him but it was her turn to shake her head and deny him this time. "No touching," She warned, and she'd push his hands behind his back. "We can kiss and touch with our mouths, but no touching with _hands._ Who ever gives _in_ first; gives _up_ control."

He wondered how, even in her now empathically drunken state, she could come up with such an _intelligent_ little game. A game he'd proudly lose after thirty seconds he would've sworn had been thirty minutes as her tongue had danced over _that_ spot behind his ear. Her access to it had been an unfair advantage he'd protest but he'd gladly give in to her wants because they were to focus on him exclusively.

His hands would cup her ass gratuitously as she made slow work of the buttons on his shirt, more because her drunkenness had left her with fumbling fingers, and not that she was necessarily _trying_ to be a tease. But fuck if she wasn't making this painful for him, as he wanted nothing more than to tear the pair of panties off her now. The ones that had the words _Detective Halstead_ written across her ass in a blue color that was comparable to that of his eyes. The bra that matched those panties was mostly made of lace and clearly designed only to be worn with the purpose of being removed; had him licking his lips against lustfully. By the time she'd taken off his button down and undershirt to press kisses down his chest and washboard torso, the tent in his pants had become unable to conceal. She'd smirk with satisfaction at this accomplishment and as she undid his belt, _finally_ , she'd find he couldn't last long if he'd wanted to.

His breath would catch as her tongue came out to swipe the last remaining evidence of the fact he'd just finished in her mouth before he was finally tearing at the lingerie he'd wanted to remove from her body even more desperately now.

He wouldn't take his time with her and tease her this time; he was too hungry for her. His lips would replace the fabric he'd tear from her breasts and soon enough his desire for her had returned and he'd faintly think about how he should've dragged her out to that kitchen counter first before he was sinking into her on that bed once more; where they'd make full use of the privacy of the fact that the bungalows on either side of them were now unoccupied; and let their desires out loudly and without inhibitions.


	28. Chapter 28

They had one more day together in their own slice of heaven.

Somewhere at the beginning of the trip he'd made her promise to wear every single one of the bathing suits she'd been gifted at her bachelorette and she should've known that he was up to something with that suggestion. "Jay I can't find the last bathing suit and it was from Platt so it should be loud and obnoxious…where'd you put it?"

Jay had done most of their packing but when she'd observed that he'd only managed to throw in a plethora of lingerie and bathing suits (to be fair he'd already informed her of his plan to do just that); she'd added some more practical clothing items to the mix before Jay had taken their suitcases to his trunk to be delivered to the hotel the next day.

"Oh, it's in there…" He'd grinned deviously at her and rose from where he'd been lounging on the couch with his feet up on the arm of it. He dipped his hand into her suitcase; which lay unzipped and splayed over the bed they'd shared for the past week. He'd take out an impeccably small black bathing suit bottom; if you could even call the floss like piece of fabric anything even resembling the sort.

"Where's the top?" She'd asked with a giggle.

"Not sure that there was a top… but there was _definitely_ a card." He smirked, fishing it out from the zipper pocket atop the suitcase.

She'd open the envelope and a blush would tint her cheeks.

 _It's a private beach, why do you need more of a bathing suit than this?_

"I'm not wearing that outside this bungalow!" She'd protest and his eyes would light up with desire.

"I don't think I'd have let you out of here in it anyway," He'd smirk, surprised she'd even entertained the idea of putting it on at all.

She'd wear it for only seconds before he'd taken it off of her and they'd _finally_ gotten to that kitchen counter the way he'd wanted to.

She'd put on one of the more appropriate bathing suits she'd received and they'd spend most of the day lounging on the beach and splashing in the waves, enjoying the serene comfort that surrounded them. "Maybe we don't have to go back…" She suggested; her legs were wrapped around his waist, where the water crashed against them both there, his hands cupping her ass. But even as she said those words, they both knew she didn't mean them. Despite the fact that this had seriously been, without a doubt, the best week of her entire life; they both had an itch to get back to Chicago and back to work on the blood pumping, adrenaline boosting cases they'd be wrapped up in again in a couple days.

It was a nice thought; regardless of the fact they both knew that it was an impractical one. "We can make the most of it by spending the rest of the day on this beach." He remarked, bending his legs slightly to lower their bodies marginally lower into the cool, clear water.

"As brilliant as that sounds, I have _plans_ for tonight." She wiggled her eyebrows wildly but he knew she meant plans that didn't _just_ include sensual tendencies. "In fact," She undid the hold her legs had around his waist and let her feet fall to the sandy bottomed ocean floor. "I need to see what time it is…" She leaned up to kiss him gently before wading out of the water back towards the bungalow that sat only steps away from the shoreline. He'd appreciate the view as she left the water.

"We have an hour before we need to—well, you'll find out." She smiled at him once she'd returned from checking the time inside, handing him the bottle of water she'd also brought out with her. He'd take a long sip that was somehow an incredible turn on for her. It almost distracted her from articulating the next sentence; "But we should head in soon to get ready…" She'd add, her words lazy as she waded back out to where he was still standing, relaxing in the respite of the water. They'd float there a little longer, her back leaning against his front, before she was dragging him back on shore so they could follow the command she'd given.

"There are so many things wrong with what you're wearing right now…" He'd sigh to her a little while later, when she walked out of the bedroom with a pair of jeans on; pulling a long sleeved t shirt over the _only_ thing he was currently appreciating about her outfit which was a very sexy black pushup bra. "But aside from the fact too much of you is covered for my tastes, right now; it's like 97 degrees outside, babe… why are you in long sleeves and pants?" He looked at her a bit confused.

"Can you just trust me, please?" She asked with a smirk, pushing up the sleeves of the white Henley she'd just put on.

He gave her a long look accompanied by a sigh but gave in to her request, because he did trust her, completely. "Fine," He whispered, but not without a roll of his eyes as he kissed her forehead and grabbed the long sleeved blue shirt she'd packed into her own suitcase for him with this exact plan in mind.

They'd head to the front of the resort to wait for the taxi she'd claimed she'd called to take them wherever it was they were going that she still hadn't told him. It was then that they strolled up to a vintage Harley motorcycle that was all black except for the shiny silver engine. Two helmets sat on top of the long seat and when he'd cast his eyes down to her, the smile that tugged at her dimpled cheeks gave her away. "You didn't…" He'd begin.

"I did!" She beamed, happy to see the obviously apparent excitement evident in his entire face. A bearded man in a jean jacket and leather vest stood next to the bike and as they approached him, he'd extend the keys to Jay.

They'd exchange pleasantries and he'd sketched them a crudely drawn map of some of the best places to take the bike for a ride to see all of the beauty that the keys had to offer, but these ones were more off the beaten path. He'd leave them there then and Jay couldn't stop himself from pulling her in for a passionate kiss. This surprise was thoughtful and obviously had taken some planning on her end, it was the exact kind of thing he'd expect from her if anything she'd ever done could be considered predictable behavior. "It's official, I've found the best wife!" He'd smile against her lips, pressing a few more kisses to them before he was helping her with her helmet and then making sure she was comfortably seated behind him before raring up the engine which would roar to life moments later.

"I've never ridden on one of these," She'd say after leaning against him as she wrapped her arms around his waist; the only thing that would ensure she stayed on this bike with him.

"Hold on tight!" He'd smirk, tossing her a look over his shoulder before the engine was humming and he was picking up his feet for them to roll out of the resort's small entrance lot.

They'd cruise for several dozens of miles before they were pulling in to the small beach access area the bearded man had recommended to them. "So, what did you think?" Jay asked her after they'd both removed their helmets and she was trying to calm her hair from whatever had just happened to it when her head had been trapped inside the black orb.

"Definitely exhilarating!" She'd admit, handing him the helmet she'd worn so he could secure it into the saddlebag he'd just opened. In there already was a blanket meant for them to take down to the beach to sit on and a small cooler type bag full of water and fruit they could snack on as they watched the sun start to dip lower in the sky.

They'd appreciate the quite, peaceful serenity of that even more private beach then the one they'd called home for the past six nights. They perched on that blanket, leaned against each other, an innocent make out session all that would take place on the sandy sanctuary.

When they walked back towards the bike, basked in the glow of dusk and surrounded by nature, she smiled coyly. "I mean… private beach on the back of a motorcycle sounds like a pretty definitive _greatest place_ …" She'd begin, alluding to their unofficial contest of conquests they'd began just after arriving in Florida.

He wouldn't respond with words, instead going with actions to show he agreed and the motorcycle's kickstand would prove surprising capability as they fulfilled her suggestion to the maximum.

The next morning they were remiss to have to finish packing their belongings in order to head to the airport for their late afternoon flight back to O'Hare. As they sat in the gate of terminal C, she curled into his side, resting her head on his shoulder. "I will never forget any part of this week." She whispered gently, her fingers making circles on his bicep.

"Ditto." He'd grin, turning to kiss her forehead.

Neither of them would say much more while they waited to board their flight. They were instead content to recall the memories of days just recently gone by and all of the wonder, love, lust, and excitement they'd held for them both.

Jay couldn't help but wonder how long this glow; he knew was referred to as the honeymoon phase for a reason, would last. How would their lives be different now that they were married and once they were home and back at work together as well?

This worry filled wonder would have him shifting uncomfortably in his aisle seat as they waited for take off in coach, not upgraded to first class this time. "What's on your mind?" She'd ask, hardly even looking up from the issue of Sky Mall where she was assessing how much it would be to get a Bloody Mary. She was planning to milk every second of this time off together, if it was the last thing she did. Well that was until she'd seen the look of actual concern seemingly knit into his eyebrows.

He blushed slightly at being caught and also at how well she knew him. There was no use saying nothing because she'd get it out of him any way. "Just wondering how things are going to go tomorrow when we're back to reality."

"Sounds like something you should worry about _tomorrow_ when we are _actually_ back to reality!" She'd suggest wisely yet with a giggle, because she knew how it was when thoughts consumed you and wouldn't let go, so she added more seriously: "Voight is going to be fine, you've officially won him over. He is fully aware of the fact that this is one relationship that is going to be permanent in this unit until I'm on maternity leave…" The last part would worm its way out of her mouth before she could stop it.

A smile grew even larger on his face at her last choice of words; "Hmm, I like the sound of that," He'd confess in return, pressing a kiss to the patch of skin behind her ear.

They'd make it home without a hitch and their alarm clock was going off far too early the next morning and they could no longer avoid being _back to reality_ like they'd been able to yesterday when she wasn't up to confronting it.

They'd ease into it with a shared shower that would remain surprisingly chaste (for the _most_ part) and they'd even left early enough to pick up a box of donuts for the team along with extra large coffees for themselves that they new were completely necessary if they were going to make it through the day. Things at work would return to normal instantly. They were happy to be back and the team was even more excited for their return, especially because it meant they wouldn't have to cover their shares of paperwork on the next caseload.

Their first big case since returning, which they'd encountered on their third day back to work, would bring a brutal and immediate end to the blissful days they'd just shared.

It had felt exhilarating to suit up again for a raid after what felt like forever for them both. He'd even made some off color remark about how no one could give him shit for grabbing her boobs when he helped her into her vest now that she was his wife. She'd assured him she'd be the one giving him the _most_ shit if he tried it, but they both knew she meant none of that. He could grope her _any_ time.

Jay and Kevin had been the first ones to breech the door of the basement where the team suspected notorious criminal Javier Masterfilipo was keeping underage girls in part of a human trafficking ring that had been on PD's radar for the past nine months.

The bastard had gotten one lucky shot off before Jay had nailed him between the eyes but it had been enough to send him recoiling backwards as blood stained the fabric of his jeans at just about the thigh; where he'd been _hit_.

Erin had still been on the first floor clearing rooms with Ruzek when Jay and Kevin had headed down and when she heard the gunshots she and Adam exchanged a panicked look that would send them both in a mad dash down the stairs.

Kevin's voice over the radio saying; "Shots fired by and at the police, officer down, roll an ambo!" Would send Erin's feet into overdrive and soon enough she was shoving past Ruzek to get down the flight of stairs that lead to the basement first; where she knew without a doubt _who_ it was that'd been hit.

"JAY!" She didn't even try to hide the desperation in the way she screamed his name and she'd be on her knees next to Kevin in an instant, helping him apply pressure to Jay's leg. The amount of blood that was already pooling under his leg was extremely concerning and likely indicated that the bullet may have nic'd an artery on it's way through the most fleshy part of his leg. But she wasn't a doctor so she couldn't allow herself to make some heat of the moment diagnosis; she'd simply taken his hand into her own and leaned over his face with her own tearstained one. "You're gonna be fine, okay, just keep your eyes open and _stay with me_ …"

Her voice would be muffled by the sound of his heart and his brain pounding loudly but he'd keep his eyes trained on her even when they fluttered slightly open and closed. He'd vaguely remember it taking both Kevin and Adam to pull her away from him so that the EMT's could gain full access to him.

His blood was on her hands, arms, and chest as she stood there watching them place an oxygen mask over his mouth and pack the wound on his leg after transferring him to a backboard. They'd carry him out to the ambulance and she would be thankful her feet still knew what their job was without her telling them because her mind was only on him as they led her out of the house.

It had been too recently that they'd taken an ambulance ride very similar to this one, but it was her life that had been in danger that time and she would've preferred it to be that way again. The pain of losing him was far greater than the thought of her own life ending before it should. She couldn't allow herself to think that but she also felt very little confidence in what would unfold in the next few hours given that his skin was so pale and his eyes had fluttered closed minutes ago and had not yet reopened.


	29. Chapter 29

She had been admittedly numb when Dr. Rhodes had explained to her and Will the details of Jay's prognosis. Her heart was beating so loudly in her ears as her adrenaline pounded that she'd relied more on Will's facial expressions to tell her what was going on then what the other doctor was saying to them. She was only vaguely aware that at some point, either she or Will had reached for the other's hand and they were clasping on to each other with white knuckles as they listened.

Some of the medical jargon was lost on Erin and after Rhodes had left Will had moved his hands to her shoulders to steady her. "Erin…Erin…" he'd repeated her name a couple times until it had finally drawn her from whatever far off place her mind had gone to while Rhodes was speaking. She took a sharp breath.

"I'm sorry…" She whispered, her anxiety had caused her to panic and she'd almost not even been present in the past moments.

Will just shook his head and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder in a way that would be very reminiscent of Jay, it was a fact that would almost cause her to lose her poise. "You don't have to apologize," He'd say, his practiced demeanor with dealing with the families of patients coming in handy. "Do you want me to tell you _everything?"_

"Yes," She'd swallowed hard, forcing herself to look him in the eye. "He crashed in the ambulance but- you knew that."

It was a fact he'd never have to remind her of because it would remain forever engrained in her mind. She'd been in the back of the ambulance, clutching his hand. His eyes hadn't been open in several minutes but he'd been breathing fine and then all then the next thing she could remember they were slapping paddles onto his chest and he'd jerk up with that electric shock three times before he'd come back to her. It was an event that; try as she may, could never be unseen. Or; _unfelt_ , for that matter. Those few seconds had left her wondering if she'd lost him forever.

She'd realized she'd tuned out for the second time that someone had tried to tell her what was going on with Jay, as she'd been lost in that memory tis time. It was strange because she desperately wanted to know what his condition was, but it was like part of her was trying to protect herself from finding out the whole truth; in case that truth was something she couldn't handle.

She'd tune back in in time to hear him say; "I used to give him shit for being a gym rat but it looks like those leg muscles came in handy. The bullet got lodged in the meat of his thigh. They got it out with out a lot of issue but, the impact fractured his femur, they had to take him to surgery to put two pins in, so he's here for the next couple nights at the very least." She'd want to crumble but something inside of her told her she had to be strong because Will was his _brother_ and if she fell apart and made him comfort her in a time like this; she couldn't forgive herself. That motivation would keep her composure. "He did not react well to the anesthesia, when he woke up…" Will would swallow hard. "He woke up _screaming_ the first time, he was moving around so much they had to sedate him…" Erin would not be able to hear him again for a moment because the idea of Jay waking up scared and probably trapped in some nightmare that had been brought on by his PTSD all alone was going to be the thing that broke her. She swallowed hard and she felt a weakness in her knees that caused her to reach forward and grab on to Will's arm to steady herself. "They want him to rest for awhile before we go up there…" Was what she'd hear before she was nodding her understanding and turning numbly away from her brother-in-law. "Are you going to be okay?" He asked her quietly, and the red headed Halstead would bring her in for a hug.

"Just a… a lot to process." She'd say, her voice thick with emotion but even as her eyes had welled with tears, she'd managed to keep them from falling.

It was her job to relay this information to the rest of the team who sat vigil in the waiting room chairs she'd occupied right along side them for hours before she and Will had encountered Rhodes in their quest to get an update. She could focus on this task to keep herself from crying or breaking down into pieces. She closed her eyes before she entered that waiting room and she took three focused breaths and then found they'd all rise to stand as soon as she entered the room; waiting expectantly to hear any update they could get on the status of the unit's sharpest shooter.

"He…" Her voice would shake and she rubbed her sweaty palms on the front of her jeans as Adam came to wrap a reassuring arm around her shoulders. This simple gesture would give her a surprising amount of calming comfort. "The bullet's impact fractured his femur so they had to take him up to surgery to put in a couple pins… it wasn't looking great there for awhile but, he seems to be doing okay…" Her words would be paused for her to take in a ragged breath, "…other than that, we don't really know, but;" A few tears would slip down her cheeks despite her best efforts to keep them at bay. "They won't let me see him yet,"

Adam would pull her against his chest when she was finished and she'd allow herself to seek refuge in his arms even though they couldn't even bring her a fraction of the comfort Jay's would have, it still stopped her from falling apart completely. They'd all nod and mutter different reassuring things as they stepped up to hug her and even each other because nights like this always reminded them that life was short and their job sometimes made it even shorter.

She'd only let Hank hug her briefly because she knew if she'd stayed too long in his arms; it would be the thing that finally broke her.

Hank, Al, ad Kev would return to the district to wrap up things with the Masterfilipo case; because at least some good had come from this night and they'd found eight girls who'd been missing from the greater Chicago area for the last six months in that basement. There was evidence that there had been up to five other girls there and they were desperately seeking ways to find out there whereabouts. Despite the fact that Jay had shot to kill, Masterfilipo's younger brother Marco and two of his associates; Oscar Lopez and Domingo de la Vega had been detained at the crime scene and were waiting at the district to be questioned.

Hank had told Adam to stay with Erin and she found that he was the perfect mix of silly, charming and serious when she needed him to be. This lovable idiot deserved more credit. She wasn't sure she'd have been able to survive the long hours she'd sit in the waiting room to be let up to see Jay without him here.

He'd left her alone now though, to go get them some food that didn't come from a vending machine, and she'd find her eyes closing for a moment in what would start as contemplation, but quickly turn to sleep.

Adam would return 20 minutes later with sandwiches but instead of waking her, he'd tilted her so she could rest her head on his shoulder and get some much-needed rest. That's how Will would find her when he'd come out, forty minutes into her nap, to tell her that Jay had gone into v-fib upstairs and they weren't sure what had caused it, but since it was the second time he'd had a reaction like this, they needed to run some more tests. That was all he knew at the moment but he'd promised to get back to her as soon as he could. She'd be unable to find any rest after that and she'd barely eaten two bites of the sandwich Adam had brought her as she waited for what she hoped would be good news, even when her stomach had growled to express the hunger her mind was still poised to ignore.

It would be two more hours before she'd finally been allowed to see him. But good news would finally find her that night. Jay was stable. He was breathing on his own, with assistance, and his heart had been beating strong and steady now.

 _Your mind will give in to pain before your body_. It was one of the pearls of wisdom he'd received in the academy. It had stuck with him since that rotund mustached instructor had delivered it their first week and he'd played the words in his head anytime he'd found himself in a position of weakness. It had been the only thing that had kept him strong when he'd been nearly beaten to death by Keyes' men in what felt like a lifetime ago now.

It was what he'd repeated to himself as he'd lain there on the cold basement floor, wondering if this moment was the last he'd cast his eyes on his _wife;_ a thought that seemed supremely unfair given how long it had taken them to get to that place and how short of a time they'd lived in a world where they could call each other husband and wife. They would hardly need to use each other's first names anymore at all if it were up to them.

His eyes would flutter open to find her, curled up in the fetal position on the tiny chair she'd dragged from it's place by the wall to sit by his bedside. She'd awaken instantly when she heard him stirring and she jumped up. "Stop!" She cooed gently, as she immobilized his hands from pulling out the oxygen line that was in his nose. He'd done that each of the times he'd woken up over the last few hours, continually thinking it was the first time he'd done so. She was pretty sure this was the tenth… or maybe the twelfth time they'd done this exact dance. "Leave them in," She soothed, coming to sit on the bed next to him. She knew how those tubes itched your nose, she'd been in this same position months ago, but she knew he needed to keep them in, so she'd make him.

She did however grab the big pink pitcher like container of water that had sat by his bed and she offered him the straw so he could wet his dry lips and tongue with the icy liquid. He'd take the sip appreciatively and this was usually the part where his eyes would fall closed again and she'd lose him to much needed sleep. But this time was different. His scratchy voice emitted from his lips; " _Wife_ …" Was the only word he'd be able to manage to get out of them. It was his way of letting her know; on some level, that her panic should ease.

There were several significances to what had just unfolded that she'd come to think of later; one being that of all the words he could've spoken after those excruciatingly long hours of silence before them had been her new favorite term of endearment. But first and foremost she thought of Dr. Rhodes instructions to her when he'd agreed to let her stay here with him even though he'd be making anyone else go home. _"If anything changes from the routine of wake up, take a drink, fall asleep… you get them to page me!"_

She offered Jay a smile but then her feet were carrying her to the heavy wooden doors and she shoved them open. "I… I need someone to page Dr. Rhodes AND Dr. Halstead!" She'd say, her speech hurried as she moved just as quickly back into his room to grasp his hand in her own, so thankful that his eyes were still open and alert. That all signs seemed to indicate that he was still there.

Will would get there before Rhodes and even though he was there as Jay's brother and not a medical professional now, he was still taking out his flashlight to check Jay's pupils and doing his quick assessment of his brother's condition. "Relax," Jay would croak out to Will and it was only when his brother had shifted away from him that he was able to beckon Erin back over. His voice was barely a hoarse whisper as he delivered his first cohesive sentence. "I like this view better." His words would make her smile in spite of herself and she leaned down to kiss his forehead gently.

Rhodes came in seconds after this had all transpired and he'd kicked the pair of them out so he could asses Jay on his own. Several long moments later, he was rejoining them outside the doorway. "His vitals are good, chest sounds clear, his color is getting better. I have to tell you, the amount of blood he'd lost before he got here combined with going into v fib twice; we weren't sure at first how this would play out but… I can honestly say now that things are looking good. Well, as good as they can be. His recovery is going to be rough and until the swelling goes down, we don't know how much this is going to affect his ability to walk and for how long…." Erin would start to trail off there and she didn't mean to interrupt him but, she had to get back in there.

"Can I go back in?" She asked gently. Rhodes smiled slightly and nodded and she'd disappear back into the room as the pair of doctors discussed Jay's case more thoroughly.

Jay's eyes were closed when she entered the room but he opened them when he heard her come back in. "You scared me." She whispered, sitting down at the edge of the bed and moving one hand tenderly to his chest, above his heart. She needed to feel the sensation of it thumping under her palm so she could fully believe he was still here with her right now. "Always have to out do me, even when it comes to getting shot, hmm?" She teased, mostly so that she could keep herself from evaporating into a puddle of sobs.

His hand came up to touch the one of hers that was on his cheek and he smiled. "Go big or go home…" He'd smirk. Unlike Erin, he didn't have any forms saying not to pump him full of painkillers so thanks to his morphine drip, he couldn't feel any of the pain that had overtaken his left leg. It would also be the reason that she wasn't surprised that shortly after exerting the effort to string together all of those words, he'd fallen asleep again, a smile playing at his lips.

She'd decided she wanted some air once Will had come back in and she determined that it was okay if she left him to watch over Jay for a short shift while she went outside to gather her thoughts somewhere other than a place where silence was constantly interrupted by the beeping and hum of various machines. At least that's what she'd told Will, but, she had really gone out there because she knew that she was seconds away from breaking down completely and she didn't want to do that in front of Jay.

She'd find that the air had shifted from a temperate mid sixties to cooler high fifties and the sky was dark with clouds and thunder was rolling in, but it was evident to her that it was morning now, which meant she'd been here all night.

Whether she wanted it to or not, the storm surging around her brought her right back to that bungalow porch when the sound of thunder had masked their moans. She'd remember how the flashing of lighting that had light them up in the most intimate of moments had made them both feel so alive. This time, the booms of thunder would be used to mask the sobs she'd finally let out as she found comfort in the way they shook tops of the trees around her. She'd held herself tightly around her shoulders and let it all out, until she was done and could gather herself back together.

It would be a long time before they'd be able to engage in a night like they'd had on that porch again, her mind couldn't help but think. But she'd scold herself for thinking of sex when her biggest fear would really be that he might not be able to walk or that he'd have nerve damage or some other atrophy that would make it so that she might never fully get him back. Because she'd learned that same phrase he had in the academy years ago. The mind would give up before the body; and if something was seriously wrong, where would his head go?

How would he react once the morphine wasn't there as a direct line to conceal his pain? When he'd fully feel the way his leg would ache to a point he couldn't sleep even when he so desperately wanted to. When he could barely make it down the hallway without her help?

Anyone who hadn't been gravely injured could never understand how that feeling of helplessness could completely consume you to the point of madness; where you'd take things out on the people trying most to help you, even when you didn't want to. She hoped that her first hand knowledge of this type of pain, though hers certainly lacked in comparison to what he'd endure, would help them both through this grieving process.

She didn't doubt that their relationship could survive even the most ugly of monsters he may become in the next few weeks; but she wouldn't lie and say she was looking forward to another round of his coping; which had almost driven her to the edge last time. She looked down at the pair of rings on her finger; his mother's gorgeous diamond and the much more simple platinum band that matched the one he wore.

They'd scribbled their signatures as engravings on each other's band and she took small comfort in knowing that part of him was with her always now, in more ways than one. She twirled the rings around her finger and stood under the awning that protected her from the rain that poured down, but she took a few more minutes of quiet contemplation to collect herself and make sure she had her emotions in check before going up to his room because she promised herself in that moment that no matter what happened, she was going to remain strong for him.

The wind that gave this city it's nickname would be what sent her back in because as it whipped against her bare arms and sent a shiver up her spine, she knew that it was selfish to stay hiding out there when he could wake up and need her there to reassure him.

When she got up to the room, she'd hear the familiar sound of his laughter and it would give her all the hope she needed to carry on. She pushed the heavy door in and walked in, before she could finish saying, "What are you two up to?" Will was speaking.

"This one was just complaining about how the view wasn't as nice when he woke up this time." The older Halstead rose from the chair, "Perfect timing by the way, because I have a patient." He squeezed the foot of Jay's uninjured leg and then pulled Erin in for a quick one-armed hug before taking his leave.

"My _angel_ ," Jay mused, reaching out for her. She was pretty sure it was the morphine that had inspired the use of that nickname, but it affected her in some kind of way she couldn't explain. It would elicit the dimples he'd intended to and seeing them would wash relief over him.

"You are supposed to get some rest," She whispered, but she'd oblige his puckered lipped request for a kiss and she was surprised at how deep he'd make it when he was having a hard time breathing. He'd use her lips as if they were his source of oxygen he needed and not the tubes that he wanted so desperately to take out of his nose.

She sat down next to him once again and this time his hand fell into her lap and his thumb picked at the inseam of her jeans on her inner thigh. Her thumb would trace a pattern over his jawbone and he wouldn't be able to keep his eyes from fluttering closed again and she could tell from the monitors that his heart rate had slowed and he was out once again.

She'd watch him for a long time before her eyelids had grown heavy and she'd fallen asleep sitting up, her head slumped down. His words would stir her awake.

"Should've listened to you," He murmured and her eyes had popped open and she was rubbing the sleep from them, mad at herself for failing to keep watch over him like she'd planned.

"What, babe?" She asked, blinking a couple times and leaning towards him.

He motioned for her to help him take a drink of water and his voice was less crackly when he spoke again after taking a few sips. "That last day on the beach you said maybe we didn't have to go back," His eyes would be the most coherent she'd seen them in the past however many hours it was that she'd been here with him; time had ceased to have any affect on her once she'd seen the blood pooling under him.

The repetition of her innocent suggestion from that wonderful day that seemed so far away now even though she could still taste the salty beach air on her lips now, it seemed, would hit her like a ton of bricks but she wouldn't allow her smile to falter because she refused to dissolve into sadness in front of him right now. "And forgo this chance to have me as your sexy nurse?" She winked and leaned in to kiss him gently. "You wouldn't want to miss that." She added, and she would practically melt into a puddle when she felt him pulling her down to lay next to him. She settled her ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. She recalled the words he'd spoken to her during her panic attack a couple weeks back:

" _Hear my heart beat?" He'd asked. "Focus on that…"_

She'd recall those words and follow his instructions as if he'd just spoken them to her right now and she found that it would bring her all the relief she'd need. His heart was beating and it was strong and steady.

It was the single most beautiful and soothing sound she'd ever heard.


	30. Chapter 30

Thanks to a blood clot resulting from surgery; Jay would be in the hospital for a long eight days. Each of them, when she wasn't at work, would find Erin by his side; or sleeping across two chairs that she'd stacked together in a makeshift bed. You'd find no complaints from her, even though she woke up each morning with a sore neck and aching back. She'd do it gladly every day for a year if it meant being close to him.

Her lack of complaining was starting to annoy him. He knew it was unreasonable, but he felt infuriated that she couldn't own up to the fact she'd be more comfortable at home. He'd told her to go after the fourth night; but she kept coming back, insisting that she wouldn't be able to sleep at home alone anyway, but he knew she wasn't getting any sleep here either.

They'd fought; it was his weak attempt to get her to leave in anger but at least she'd storm off to their apartment and be comfortable at home. She'd ruined that plan because she'd merely lain herself across her chairs like she'd done the other nights, and faced her back to him. If he wanted to battle to see who could be the most stubborn, she'd win unanimously.

This healing process wouldn't be a short one. In fact, it would make Erin's look like a walk in the park. The external fixator that they'd used to fuse his bone back together would stay there for another six days and he'd have physical therapy three times a week for the next month to learn how to bear weight on it and walk distances longer than 10 feet at a time. They'd reevaluate after that based on his progress, but injuries like this took a minimum of four months to really heal; Rhodes had said. Erin had seen the look in Jay's eyes that meant he was taking that as a challenge.

It was as she'd listened to the physical therapist describing all of this to them that she realized how impractical it would be for her to try and help him up three flights of stairs and down them every time they came and went for an appointment. It was a concern she'd finally share with Adam after his fifth time cornering her in the break room that Thursday.

"You haven't been eating and don't say you have because I know it's just coffee and you cannot survive on just coffee!" He'd said pointedly to her as he handed her a Styrofoam container at lunch. "That Philly cheesesteak food truck was back and I got you the fries you missed out on last time! You got the man now, you can let your body go!" He'd wiggle his eyebrows at her and she'd roll hers at him; but she'd finally concede that she was hungry by opening the lid and biting into the deliciousness he'd brought her. She'd punctuate it with a thoughtful look.

"Thanks Adam," She'd say genuinely, with a sigh. And maybe she was hungrier than she'd let herself feel and she'd devour the entire portion quickly.

"So, now that I've fed you, gremlin—can you tell me what it is has you so stressed, and don't cop out on me here and say it's just Jay being in the hospital because it's more than that." There he'd go again, finding that balance between silly and serious that spoke to her sensibilities so well. "Maybe I can help?"

"Well I have two days to figure out how to build a wheel chair ramp to our third floor apartment or I'm going to figure out a way to carry a man nearly double my size up and three flights of stairs everyday…" She offered with a sigh. "Is it too late to join cross fit?"

"See, now, I can help with this!" Adam would beam proudly.

"Adam, the thing about cross fit was a joke!" She'd giggle gently.

"I got the sarcasm there, thanks." It was his turn to roll his eyes at her now. "I meant I can help with the apartment problem." He offered matter-of-factly.

"How's that?" Erin would inquire, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Oh, well, I have no idea. But, still. Consider it handled!" He'd stand up and strike a superman style power pose before smiling at her. "And just remember who loves you baby, when you go to exact that revenge of yours!" He'd add and then he was kissing the top of her head and leaving the break room to fulfill his promise.

The next day, Adam would greet her with a brilliant idea that she hadn't considered in all her stress over this; Al's garage apartment. Maybe it was less than ideal, but right now it was the best they had. When she'd told Jay he'd been even less thrilled than she'd imagined he would be and it would be the second thing they'd fight about during his hospital stay.

"Babe—it's just impractical for us to get you up and down three flights of stairs every single time we have to go to physical therapy or a check up…"

He'd scoff at her and even though she hadn't been trying to imply that this would be a burden on her, it was all he'd heard. "Sorry that this is all such an inconvenience for you, Erin." The way he articulated her name at the end of that sentence was a dig in and of itself.

She couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes at him even though she knew that would only make things worse. "Jay," She'd voice his name in retribution. "I am more than happy to take you to the damn moon if the doctors think it will help; all I meant was it's more practical to have a living space that is all one floor and no stairs, to make mobility as easy as possible for you. Crutches on stairs are a bitch, I was just-"

"Fine." He'd cut her off and though he'd meant to stop her speaking to say he was sorry and knew she was right and he shouldn't have jumped down her throat. But instead of finding words to express that, he'd just leave her in silence after that one word.

" _Baby_ ," She'd sigh and move towards him knowing full well that when she called him _that_ it was nearly impossible for him to stay mad. It was a fact she knew because it had the same effect when he'd use it on her. "I know you're hurting right now, but this doesn't need to be a fight, okay? We're both doing the best we can…" She was next to him then, leaning to kiss him, but he'd notably turn his cheek to her. She'd place a sloppy kiss there anyway, to spite him.

"Rhodes said I can bust you out of this place tomorrow, can we focus on the positive of that? Al's place isn't my first choice either, okay? But, if staying there is what puts you in a bed next to me again, then I'm all about it? I'd sleep in the damn street for that opportunity." She'd look at him pointedly and his resolve would finally weaken.

"You're right," He'd swallow more than just his pride with that statement. "I'm just… being an ass." He'd decide that last part of that sentence had no use being sugar coated. "It's a good plan, thank you babe, you think of everything." His tone was gentle. He'd try to kiss her and she'd turn her cheek. Payback was a bitch. "I was just looking forward to being _home_ with you. We didn't get to enjoy it enough since we got back…" He'd try honesty this time to win her over. He wasn't sure why he hadn't just said that in the beginning, it was the motivation behind his snippiness from the start.

"The apartment isn't our home. _We_ 'reour home." She'd articulate wisely, and then she wouldn't deny either of them the kiss they craved this time. She pressed a soft, gentle kiss to his pouty lips and his hands would come up to cup her face to deepen it. The brief exchange would leave them both breathless, and not just from the lip lock. "By the way, it was Adam's idea…" She laughed, feeling the need to toss him the credit. "Our boy has really done some growing up."

Despite her wise words at the hospital, she'd gone to their place that night and washed their sheets and blankets, gathered pillows, towels, pictures, their favorite mugs, and other tokens of home. She'd bring them all to Al's garage and "decorate" it with them. She hoped that this small gesture would give him at least some piece of mind. She'd even lit some of their favorite candles around and sprayed his pillow with her perfume so that even when he was at work, he might find sleep with the scent of her there.

She'd find that it gave him more comfort than she'd even expected. It had taken quite some time for him to get the short distance from where she'd parked the car to the door but she'd known better than to try and help him and she'd stood patiently holding the door for him. He was starting to prove that he had a stubborn streak that could more than just rival her own.

He'd be breathless and exhausted by the time he'd finally made it inside but he'd still manage a smile when he noticed immediately the pair of mugs on the counter. It would make his eyes seek out the other touches of home she'd brought with her and he'd promise himself he'd be better than he had been. Someone this sweet and thoughtful shouldn't be subjected to meaningless jabs.

"Go sit down," She'd urge but her tone was one of patience as she placed her hand on the small of his back, giving him the help he'd previously denied, as they ambled over to the couch.

"Pretty sure that I was promised a naughty nurse," Jay's comment would be his attempt at playfulness as she adjusted some pillows under his thigh.

"Let's wait for the rods to come out of your leg before I'm putting on any costumes, okay?" She'd retort, lightness in her own words.

"Oh, there's costumes?" He'd raise his eyebrows at her then, catching her wrist with his hand, taking the opportunity to draw her down towards him, where he'd capture her lips in a kiss. "I love you. I'm sorry I've been so…" He'd trail off looking for a way to finish the sentence, but she'd offer an ending for him.

"….much of a dick?" She grinned gently though, letting him know she wasn't even a little bit mad.

"I was going to say difficult, but, sure; we can go with yours."

"Sorry-" She'd wrinkle her nose so adorable that he couldn't have stayed mad even if he'd wanted to. "Listen, it's fine. Seriously. This kind of stuff doesn't even register on my radar." She'd downplay her feelings as she always had; it was a skill she'd learned long ago. It wasn't even that she intended to do that; it was just so engrained in her after years of practice.

"Nah—" He wouldn't accept that, "It's not fine. The shitty part is that; even though I know it was unacceptable, there will probably be more moments like that. And I'm sorry in advance for those times, not that it will excuse them but…" He sighed, because he knew how bad he could get in situations like this. His _wife_ didn't deserve that. "There might be times you don't want to be here. Maybe there will be times it's best for you to stay at the apartment some nights."

"Nah—" It was her turn to steal one of his phrasings. "There's nothing that would make me not want to be here with you. You've seen my loyalties to my mother; even after all she's done. I'm a glutton for punishment." She'd even laughed when she said it but the statement would be one he found no humor in, despite her attempt at it. She should've known better than to joke about that, especially when he was in this sate. It would be a thoughtless choice she'd regret as soon as she registered the look on his face.

His eyes darkened when he spoke; "I don't ever want to be lumped into any type of category with her; _ever_."

"Babe, I didn't mean… I was mostly kidding."

A snort would accompany his words; " _Mostly_ kidding; exactly."

"You're taking this the wrong way…"

"Maybe you're saying it the wrong way, Erin!" Each part of their exchange would grow more heated even though she hadn't meant to find her tone matching his.

Blame it on her exhaustion if you wanted to but; everyone's patience had an end. After eight days of grinning and bearing it anytime he'd escalate a simple comment taken out of context, she felt herself giving in to the temptation to sink down to a level of casual insults and meaningless shouting but she found her resolve again.

"Maybe I am. So, I'm sorry, okay?" The defeated sound in her tone would draw him back to reality again.

He'd sigh deeply and cast his eyes down at his lap; ashamed. "This is exactly what I mean." He said through gritted teeth.

"Okay!" Her exasperation would be evident, but it wasn't an angry one, it was born of desperation. "So we figure out how to give each other space when we need it, but that space doesn't need to be miles wide. We've tried the whole shutting each other out, bottle up, deal with it alone approach. It failed miserably each and every time. So we decided we'd do this thing together. We even got some fancy jewelry to prove it!" Her left hand would come up next to her face, her wedding band and engagement ring effectively punctuating her words. Her right hand would tug at his left one to tap the metal that wrapped around his own ring finger. "Remember?" Her voice would be a whisper with that last word and it would be enough to water his eyes.

He swallowed hard and nodded, his hand moving to squeeze hers gently. "I love you, wife." He'd finally sigh. It would be his way of really apologizing, of stopping more stupid meaningless things from falling from his lips, of admitting that he'd overreacted and all the other things that had gone wrong because of him.

"I love you, husband. So fucking much." She sighed and leaned down to kiss him tenderly. "You should take some pain meds and try and rest, if you're feeling up for it we can order dinner later or I can run out and get some groceries, make us something." She rose from the couch to retrieve a bottle of water and his meds from the kitchen. Will had called them in to the pharmacy closest to Al's place for them and she'd run in to pick up the meds just moments before they'd gotten here.

Her hand would dip into the small brown paper bag they'd picked up from the pharmacist on the way home. It was when she'd pulled out the bottles that her eyes would fall on the label of one. Percocet. One of her former vices. Holding the bottle in her hand would be enough to make her breath catch in her throat.

She was stronger now than she was when she was the type of person who'd relied on pills like these to numb the pain. She was older, smarter, _married_ , she had more in her life worth staying clean for now; that would be motivation enough for most people to stay strong. She hoped it would be that way for her. But, old habits died hard and addiction was easier to beat when there weren't any temptations around.

He'd noticed her back tense and she'd lingered a little too long in the makeshift dining area where she'd set the pills and their bags from the hospital when she'd been waiting for him to take 50 foot walk that would take him an upwards of 30 minutes to complete on crutches. He'd observe the sharp breath she took after that long beat and her shoulders would relax and she'd crack her neck from side to side. He found her behavior to be peculiar but he wouldn't be able to place his finger on it until she'd shown up in front of him again with a glass of water and a palm with two of those round pills pressed into it that she'd extended to him.

His eyes would dilate slightly as realization set in. The pills. They shouldn't even have come into this house. "We should flush those." He said, and though he'd take them out of her hand, they'd remain clenched in his.

It would be her turn to get defensive. "You don't have to do that, I have self control. You have literal metal rods sticking out of your broken thighbone. Take the meds." Her voice would have an unintended sharpness to it.

"You shouldn't need self control, babe. You took a bullet and worked through it without them. So can I. I don't need them, let's just get rid of them."

"I was barely even shot! And it was in my arm." Suddenly, her floodgates would open, she couldn't stop the words that would come next even though she wanted to keep them in. "You have a broken leg! You threw a blood clot! You went into v fib – which, if I'm being fucking honest, I'm _still_ not even sure what it means other than lots of beeping and your heart not working! I watched you _die_ … literally. In front of me, I was holding your hand and then they were shoving me back and ripping your shirt open while they charged the paddles in the ambulance. And I was scared! Because I can't _ever_ lose you! And I don't mean oh I'd be lost without you… I mean I would literally cease to exist because I can't be me without you, not anymore. So you're not allowed to die in an ambulance. I think I actually yelled that at you after they'd tried to bring you back twice—" The tears she'd tried so terribly to conceal would come now; betraying her once rock solid resolve. "So if I was going to turn to my old coping mechanisms, it would've probably already happened. Take the pills. Count them every single day if you want so you can make sure that I haven't taken any. I understand that you can't trust me. But let me have a chance to trust myself here, please. And help yourself here, because this recovery is going to be a bitch. Femur breaks are no joke. The worse the pain; the stronger the darkness."

He'd hated that his leg was broken because she was just out of his reach and he wanted to take her in his arms and take all of this stress from her. There it was. There was all the emotion she'd so carefully compartmentalized during his time at the hospital when every time he so much as blinked she was there tending to his every need acting like she was fine.

He had to give her credit, her smile had seemed _so real_ most of the time. Her kisses had been deceptively sweet; not the ones of a person hanging on by a quickly unraveling thread. But he'd known she wasn't okay. He'd known that she wasn't always in the perky and hopeful mood she'd portrayed when she'd put on a brave face for the past eight days. But he'd let her play the role; the undercover assignment she'd put herself on. He waited to see just how long she could play that part before she cracked and it was only here now; in this place that was vaguely home since she'd brought the scents of it and tiny touches as well here.

What was there even to say to that? Her emotional confession had been a very real reminder of that line from the academy he'd held so dear. His body had been tortured by the piercing bullet from that glock; but her mind had been plagued with the same anxiety and fears that had been the building blocks of his PTSD. He'd watched one too many of his brothers bleed out; his hands the only thing available to apply pressure to wounds that had struck very near to where his had. But the difference of an inch could mean life or death when it came to hitting an artery. How many people had he witnessed die in front of him now? He couldn't get to an exact number but it had to be in the hundreds. If he dared to let his mind wander to the far depths of times he'd completely blocked out; he might find that number ticking closer to the thousands. The thoughts swirling in his head would lead him to his first response, which was to open his palm and pop the pills into his mouth with a sip of water. Then, his eyes would cast up to hers and they'd both share a nod of understanding.

He'd allow her that trust she was seeking, because he truly did believe that she had found better ways to deal with her demons now and he trusted her more than anyone, but he'd still count those pills each day because trusting someone and loving them didn't always mean that they couldn't find themselves in a moment of weakness. He feared himself being the one who might push her to that point in the coming weeks.


	31. Chapter 31

If you'd told Jay he'd spend the weeks after his wedding in bed he would've assumed it meant because Erin had tied him to it to have her way with him. That was a bed rest sentencing he could've lived with. Not this one. It had been almost a week since she'd taken him "home" to Al's garage and he was feeling like such a burden to his wife that he found himself purposely pushing her away.

Part of it was jealousy; she'd go off to work each morning and come home early for his appointments which would have her going back afterwards and often times staying late to finish paperwork or catch up on things she'd let fall to the wayside as she put him first every time. He resented himself for taking her away from her job and being the reason she would get home late or, get flack from Voight on how she wasn't finding the balance between home and work like she should. He felt helpless and burdensome. But; he also felt bitter. He envied that look she'd had in her eyes when she came home from work after a big bust. Hell he envied that she'd been hit in the face with the butt of a cheap gun because it meant she was seeing the action he so desperately needed to keep himself from getting lost in his mind; into that deep depressive PTSD that had consumed him in stronger days than these.

Today she hadn't been able to leave work because she was wrapped up in an interview so it was Will who'd come to get him to have the external fixator removed, but after reviewing his newest x-ray's, Rhodes decided he needed to keep it a longer before they could replace it with an internal fixator of screws. He hadn't given Jay a definitive time frame, only that they'd check back in _two_ weeks. This would leave him bitter and annoyed.

Will would be thankful when Erin came home to relieve him from his duty of babysitting ole grumpy gills.

"ERIN!" The excitement was obvious in the older Halstead's voice as he rose from the chair he was sitting in as he heard her coming in. "Thank god you're— _holy shit_ , what happened?"

The sudden shift in his words would cause Jay to become more alert and he'd stop his sulking to turn to look at where his brother was standing in front of his wife, where she'd just come in. Thanks to Will's taller frame, he couldn't see her. "What's going on?" He'd ask, his voice wrought with concern over he wasn't even sure what.

She'd move into Jay's line of vision and his eyes would fall onto the shiner on her cheekbone. "Some asshole got the jump on me, cold cocked me right in the face." She'd point to the chunk of skin missing in the middle of her bruise. "Fucker ws wearing a giant fake diamond ring too! Kevin nailed him for me though, so, it's all good." She forced a smile that would cause her to wince, her right cheek sensitive to even the slightest of movements. Ever the caretaker, Will would step closer to her and exam her eye for his own piece of mind.

"You get that checked already?" Her brother-in-law would ask.

"Yes, doc." She'd roll her eyes. "Of course I did. You've met my sergeant, right? They practically carried me to the ambo afterwards, and the guy didn't even knock me out." She rolled her eyes, which she had to admit didn't feel great either. "You staying for dinner, Will?" She asked, kicking off her shoes, which would lessen her height even more. She felt like changing the subject; no use dwelling.

"As much fun as hanging out with that ray of sunshine has been; I've got to head back to Med, patients to check on; lives to save – no big." He grinned at her. "Be nice to your wife!" He'd warn towards Jay before he was hugging Erin quickly and heading to his car.

"Come here!" Jay would command the instant Will had shut the door. He needed to survey her for himself. She'd gratify his request and move towards him on the couch. But before he could have his chance to worry over her, her eyes fell to his leg.

"Shit, I thought that was supposed to come off? Did Will even take you to Med or did you two get caught up watching Blackhawk's highlight reels again?"

"Oh my god, it was one time and we were only five minutes late…" He rolled his eyes. "Doc says it hasn't fused together enough to remove it…. we'll try again in," It would pain him to finish that sentence. " _Two weeks_." He sighed because they both knew what that meant. They were under strict rules of no sexual activity until this thing came off and now their evening plans would be delayed for fourteen more excruciating days.

"Damn. Literally the worst news I could receive after what I've been working myself up with all day." Her voice gruff. "I was prepared to blow more than just your mind tonight." She added with a suggestively raised eyebrow.

"As _great_ as that sound," And fuck if that didn't sound like the perfect way to spend the night. "Can you focus, please? Your eye, Erin…."

"It's more my cheek—" She'd stop when he glared at her. No need to nitpick. "I'm fine, babe. It hurts; I can't lie. But it looks worse than it is."

He'd run a gentle thumb over her bruise and then draw her in for a kiss. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there to look out for you." He added quietly.

"I don't know, I think it makes me look tough. It's kinda hot."

"There is nothing hot about this." He sighed and let his fingers tangle in her hair then. "What'd he get you with?"

"The butt of his hi-point." She sighed. "I mean if you're going to beat me in the face with a gun, can it at least be a nice one? Talk about adding insult to injury." She'd attempt again to make like of the attack that had her more shook up than she wanted to let on.

"You should get some ice, take some…." He felt almost idiotic at his next suggestion. "… Motrin. It'll help, take the edge off at least."

"Speaking of taking the edge off," She'd ignore the rest of his suggestion. "You been taking your pain meds? If my memory serves me correctly you should be due or another does in less than half an hour… I'm guessing they were prodding and poking at your leg; can't imagine that felt great."

"Can we just not talk about me for a second. Let's focus on you. You got hit in the face with a gun. Sorry, you can't tell me that just rolls of your back. Can we talk about it? Don't hold this in just because I'm laid out… let me be there for you." Truthfully; he'd welcome the distraction of focusing on someone else's pain for a change up in his daily routine.

She'd consider his words but she still couldn't bring herself to discuss it so she faked another smile and shrugged. "I guess I'm just more of a bad ass than you because; I'm _fine._ " She'd lie. "I mean I'm more upset that we can't fuck than I am about this." She'd use vulgar humor to cover her emotions. It was easier this way. Only one of them could fall apart at a time. She'd said she'd be strong and steady and she would. Even if it killed her a little inside.

"You're such a _liar_." Was all he'd say and then his sympathies for her would wane. He hated being treated like he was fragile. He was tired of her always seeming to walk on eggshells around him these days. This wasn't her. This wasn't _them_. "Forget it Erin. If you're fine, I'm fine." And then he'd fold his arms over his chest and look away from her.

After pausing for a beat and sucking in a sharp breath, she'd make a decision on what to say next. "So, what do you want for dinner?" She'd try shifting their topic of conversation into safer waters.

"Not hungry." Would be his curt reply.

"Jay, come on… I'm exhausted can we not fight again right now?"

"No one is fighting Erin. But how about _you_ come on! Stop pretending you're fine when you're not!" His voice would raise an octave with that.

Maybe she was wrong this time. Most of their stupid quarrels had been started by him these past few days but this one _might_ be on her. She was pushing her shit down and he was calling her on it. It was something she'd given him the right to do when she'd slid the ring on his finger. This fact would both infuriate and bring comfort to her. "Babe…" She'd sink back down on to the couch, next to his hip and lay her hand gently on his chest, her eyes finding his. _"Okay_ ," She'd sigh gently. "I'm not fine, but… I'm…." She shrugged. "I'm not sure what I am." Her hand not currently splayed across his muscular chest would find her own hair, pushing it back as thought it would clear her mind. "It was my fault. I… was being _reckless_." She'd use the word Voight had coined her actions. "I didn't wait for them to get down the stairs when I went to clear the basement; and BAM he comes out of nowhere. He must've tossed something because he drew my attention to my left and then;" She'd smash her hand together for dramatic affect. "Hit's me in the right. I should've seen it coming." _But, her mind had been elsewhere._

"Fuck basements, am I right?" Jay's response would be lighter than he'd been with her since she got home. She deserved a break on this. He understood now why she hadn't been in a hurry to share. Her eyes told him what her words didn't; that she'd been scared; of course she had. But she'd also felt stupid. She'd done this to herself in her eyes. But to him? He'd done it. Because he's there; _this never happens_. He's there, then she isn't distracted; undoubtedly worrying about him.

"Seriously! We will never have a house with one; I'm saying that right now." She'd invite the lightness into their conversation and then she'd lean her head down to find his lips in a surprisingly passionate kiss. She'd spent the entire day frustrated, anticipating having halfway decent sex with her injured husband as soon as she'd gotten home. But the doctors had cancelled those sexy plans but her tension wasn't gone.

Given his position on the couch, sitting upright, back propped against the arm, bad leg propped on pillows against the back; he was still taller than her. His hand would come to rest gently on her neck as their kisses deepened. His other hand would make its way under the hem of her shirt and it would travel north to find the bra she'd clearly worn with tonight's planned activities in mind. He'd groan against her mouth and break their kiss. "The lacy black one from our honeymoon?" He'd shake his head. "I'm officially pissed at Dr. Rhodes now. I'll take these rods out myself, I _need_ you that bad." His thumb would find the curve of her ample breast and he'd smirk, as goose bumps would prickle the skin there.

"Trust me; I'm as disappointed as you are. Maybe more." She'd whisper; and her lips would find his again and as his hands groped at her sensitive skin she'd feel the first tinges of normalcy she'd had with him in too long.

"Fuck it; we can make this work…." He'd growled into her neck and in one swift motion he was roughly tugging to get her shirt off.

"Jay…. we can't!" Her skin was flush with a desire that would contradict her words. "Listen I asked Natalie how serious the no sex rule is…and it has to do with muscles contracting and all sorts of things that we just can't risk right now. Trust me, I tried to see if _oral_ counted in the no sex deal. They mean _everything_ …"

He would take a moment to appreciate the fact she'd talked to Natalie about this and that she'd gone the extra step to see if there was anything she could do to help him out. "So much wrong with that statement, yet so much right." He smiled in spite of himself. "I'm pretty sure those rules only apply to me, by the way." He'd say with a lick of his lips and a suggestive raise of his eyebrows.

"Tempting, super, tempting offer and I'm not going to lie; I have imagined several scenarios were we can make this work but…. I don't want to hurt you. Or make things worse, because that will only delay this process longer."

"I've got perfectly good fingers…." His deviousness would persist.

She rolled her eyes, "So do I." She'd wink at the end of that.

"Only if I can watch…." He'd lick his lips again and she'd give him one last kiss before she was rising from the couch, effectively ending the naughty nature of this conversation which was only managing to leave her impossibly more sexually frustrated than before. She'd adjust her shirt that had become a crumpled mess when he'd tried to take it off of her and she may have flashed him a little something for his troubles.

"Calm it down, pal. I'm starving anyway and besides; my face is jacked."

"Yeah, but, the rest of your body is still perfect."

His backhanded compliment would earn him a whack on the shoulder. "Ass!" She'd giggle, rolling her eyes again.

"That came out _really_ wrong."

"I bet." She shook her head and reached to hand him his phone. "For that, you owe me Chinese food. You know I'm obsessed with the place by our apartment…"

"They do have the best spring rolls.."

"Call and order while I get changed and I'll go pick it up. I still have blood on my shirt and I need a proper shower."

"Yes, _angel_. I'll do whatever you want… just do one little thing for me?"

"Anything!" She'd smile, moving instinctively to fix the pillows under his leg.

"No, not that." He shook his head and he'd lick his lips again. "Get ready for the shower."

She'd tilt her head to the side, perplexed. "Yeah, that's the plan… but, what is it you want from me?"

"To get _ready_ for the shower, _out here."_ His smile would grow wide again.

Recognition would pass through her eyes before she rolled them. "Babe…."

"Come on! Give me a thrill, I'm crippled!"

That would make her giggle. "Fine," She'd sigh but oblige him, pulling her shirt off.

"What? Come on that was too fast, you have to take it slow, make it worth my while." He grinned easily, playfully at her.

Him in a good mood was something worth fighting for right now, so she'd give in to his request, sauntering towards him and bringing his fingers up to the button of her jeans. "Help me then." She requested.

It was his turn to do the obliging and his fingers would slide the button out and pull down the zipper. She'd tug that blue denim down her legs in an almost painfully slow way; revealing a pair of panties that she'd bothered to match to the bra that had tormented him earlier.

"So you just had that on, _all_ day?" He groaned.

"Well, my plans were to jump your bones as soon as I got home…. I didn't even care if Will was staying for dinner…." She smirked. "I figured I wouldn't want to take the time to change into something I desperately wanted you to rip off of me."

His hands would grab her hips forcefully before they'd more lightly trace his fingers down her thighs. This act would send a shiver through her. "Rain check," He'd grunt and she _had_ to leave for the shower; lest she want to lose control completely.

When she reemerged from the bathroom a little later, she'd pad back over to him with a coy smile. "Sorry you didn't get to watch." She'd wink teasingly; and he'd be left to wonder if that was really a joke or not.

Her words would cause him to pause what he was doing before his hands got the memo and because of that, the bottle of Percocet he'd just opened would topple over and spill it's contents to the ground. "Fuck," He cursed.

Before she even realized what had spilled she was on the floor in front of them, scooping them into her hand to put back in. She thought nothing of it, to be honest. It would surprise her to find that the pills would actually have no effect on her. She'd place them all back into the pill bottle, except one, which she handed to him. "Careful there, butterfingers." Her grin was wide and she dropped one more kiss on his lips before she grabbed her bag and headed out to get the food he'd ordered for them.

That night would stay lovely and it would fade into the next morning, which would find her in a surprisingly good mood given that she was self proclaimed to be anything but a morning person. That extra amount of pep in her step would be what launched them into a fight that would end only by her slamming the door and storming off to work.

She'd helped him out of bed and onto the couch where he'd perch until she came back at three to take him to PT. Then she'd gone to make some toast and pour herself some of the precious coffee that was guaranteed to amplify her good mood. Before going in to do complete these menial tasks, she'd set some water on the coffee table so he could take his first round of pain meds.

It was in his ritualistic counting of them that his anger would permeate before he had a chance to consider all the details. "Erin." His tone would be harsh and scolding and it would bring her out of the kitchen clutching his steaming mug of liquid gold.

"Why do I feel like this is high school and you're Hank right now, about to tell me my skirt is too short?" She giggled before her eyes had processed that he wasn't in a teasing mood.

"There's one missing." That's all he would say but he'd explain further by shaking the now closed pill bottle.

"Okay? So, let's find it."

"I think we both know where it is." He wouldn't look at her as he spoke those words.

Her features would tense with that accusation, the one he'd made without consideration. "Wow." That was all she'd say but she would come to the front of the couch and drop to her knees and then to all fours. It would take seconds for her to find the missing culprit. It had rolled under the couch, when the bottle had spilled over yesterday. She slammed the pill down onto the coffee table and then she was shoving her feet into boots, grabbing what she needed for work and slamming the door all while he called her name fruitlessly.

When she'd left he'd felt desperate. How could he have just jumped to that awful conclusion without even considering the fact that yesterday he'd clumsily spilled them out of the bottle? He'd send a series of texts with the same theme; _I'm so sorry babe. I'm an asshole. I shouldn't have reacted like that. I'm just in a bad place._

It would be the last of those that would get a response. _We'll talk later._

That would have to suffice for now because he knew it had probably taken a lot for her to even send him that small concession.

He'd hoped later would mean 2:30 when she'd usually be there to pick him up for physical therapy, but she'd send Adam in her place. When Jay asked him how she seemed, he wouldn't sugarcoat it. "Pissed." Would be his descriptor of choice for the woman they both loved in very different ways.

He'd have Adam stop at a flower shop on the way home from his session and he'd buy her an obscene amount of daisies that he'd enlist Adam's help in actually getting into the house. It wasn't enough. Nothing could be enough. But it was effort. It was a start.

When she came home after dark, her face looked haggard and not just from the black and blue swell on her left cheek. "Er-"

"Don't," Her voice would sound even raspier than usual. "I was… I _am,_ " she amended, "… an addict. It makes sense that your natural inclination would be to assume I'd taken one. I was in pain," She motioned to her face. "I've been having nightmares about that ambulance ride and you—" She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence because it would've brought tears with it and she wasn't interested in crying; not about this. "I'm under a lot of stress dealing with a lot of things. So, a pill goes missing and it's not rocket science to connect it back to the junkie." She shrugged. "So, I'm not mad. More like… disappointed. You didn't even give me a chance to explain. You didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt; you just… made up your mind about me. Thanks, for thinking _so_ highly of me, by the way." For half a second she contemplated finishing that monologue with, ' _maybe I should go stay at our place tonight.'_ But even if she'd said those words she wouldn't mean them. Besides, he was in no shape to be left alone tonight so even if she did need space right now, she'd suck it up.

But she would leave that room, even after he was calling her name again and again. She'd go into the bathroom and she'd shut the door and lock it for good measure and then she'd cry. It was hard and loud and uncontrollable because here was her past finding a way to catch up to her again. Finding a way to ruin her. Here was her husband; ready and willing to see the worst part of her before he saw anything else. That cry would also allow her to let go of all the emotions she'd pushed down over the past two weeks as she sacrificed her own sanity in favor of his.

It would kill him to hear her cry like that. It would kill him more not to do anything about it so even though it would take him far too long and require far too much effort, he'd find a way to pull himself off the couch and he'd finagle the crutches under his arm and make it down that short little hallway.

She'd hear him breathing and struggling down the hall before he even made it to the door. The soft rap on the door was made by two of his knuckles and if he hadn't been hurt she'd have let him list out there endlessly as she processed all the emotions coursing through her now; the predominant one still anger. It made her want to tell him to get the fuck away but, he had just drug himself down the hall and even if she was angry at him, she didn't want to make this all worse by him standing out there on his leg far too long and making this worse because she'd know she indirectly caused him that pain.

That would be the only thing that had her drawing in a few breaths and swiping at her eyes so the only evidence of fallen tears would be the red marks her furious rubbing had done. She'd draw the door open and cast those sad eyes up to his; which also had tears in them. And somehow, she knew it wasn't just because it had taken him such great effort to make it to this door; to her. It would rid her of some of her angry sadness. Enough at least that she found herself wrapping her arms gently around his waist, kissing the side of his neck, and then doing her best to stay put together by taking short, shallow breaths.

"I'm so sorry, Erin, please…" Her suspicions about his tears would be confirmed when fresh ones sprang from the same ducts. "I never should've accused you—I just; there's no excuse. I sit here all day, miserable; I get in my own head. I become that ugly person I warned you about…" He shuddered at this thought. "I never wanted that part of me to get to you; this is not…." She'd silence him with a kiss.

" _Husband_ ," The very use of that way of referring to him would make his knees weak. "We work our way through the darkness together. No matter how pitch black it gets."


	32. Chapter 32

Her face would start to heal and after a week, the bruise was more of an outline. A faint reminder of days gone by, ones she was happy to put behind her as soon as possible.

Though he was as stubborn has ever, Jay had focused his bull headedness on killing it at physical therapy instead of casting a cloud of darkness that could cover them both. Beyond that; he'd made a concerted effort to not overreact or be a dick for no reason. That bit of effort would prove to make all the difference for them.

"Hey," She'd greet him as she came through the door to take him to physical therapy. She'd be surprised to find him already standing on his crutches, waiting for her. "Look at you!" She'd remark, leaning up to kiss him gently.

"I was thinking." He began, hobbling out to the car after she'd locked the door behind them. "It's time I go back to group."

His suggestion would bring a light to her eyes. "Yeah? I think that's a great idea babe. I can drop you off after—"

" _I want you to come with me_." This suggestion would catch her off guard in the best possible way.

"I—wow, babe! Of course, I'd love to…. is it _allowed_?" She sort of pictured these weekly gatherings as an elite group that she could never be a part of given she had never served in the military.

"Yeah, it's allowed." He'd laugh gently. "Besides, I spoke to Mark for awhile this morning and he thinks it's a great idea."

Her eyes would brighten even more and she'd find that her dimples were boring into her cheeks again. That was his favorite smile; dimples in full effect, teeth showing, inhibitions thrown to the wind. It was a smile he hadn't seen recently enough.

They'd drive in silence for a while and when they rolled to a red light she turned to him, "You're staring at me." She gave him an uneasy eyebrow raise. "It was super endearing at first but after the ninth block without blinking, it got _creepy_." She giggled, reaching over to cup his face, her thumb brushing sweetly over this bottom lip.

"You're captivating." He'd admit, lips pressing to her thumb in the most tender of kisses. "I was thinking about our time in the Keys. You on the back of that motorcycle…" He'd smirk at the memory and her own smile would play on her lips. "I was trying to figure out what the hell you had planned when you are wearing jeans and long sleeves in that terribly, muggy Florida heat, but it was perfect. That trip was perfect. You are perfect. You _never_ cease to amaze me." His voice would become a little thicker now, emotion lining his words. "I'm so sorry that I've taken you for granted and at times, treated you like shit since we've been home. There is no excuse, so don't try and make one for me right now. I don't care if I'd lost both my legs. There's no circumstance that excuses this, not to me. And it shouldn't for you either. You don't deserve a husband who takes his shit out on you. I am going to find a way to be a better man."

A honk would startle her from her own captivated gaze; looking over at him. It would make her realize that the light must've changed sometime ago because when she was finally starting to drive, it was already turning yellow. "You are the _best_ man. Going through a hard time, struggling; that doesn't mean you aren't a good man. There's no one I could ever love more." She drew her hand back to the wheel and continued the drive to Med.

She'd drop him off at PT and then make a mad dash back to the garage so she could use cover up to make that bruise even less recognizable. If he was taking her to his most sacred of places, she wanted to be presentable. She'd even changed into clean clothes that didn't smell of work. She'd make it back before his appointment was over and she'd wait outside for him; hair brushed neatly, tugged down from the high ponytail it had been in all day. The smell of fresh perfume would permeate from her wrists, and he'd smile appreciatively at her when he stepped out of the physical therapy room he'd just occupied. "I'm suddenly feeling under dressed!" He'd smirk, surveying her appearance in dark jeans, heels, and a black fitted t-shirt; a simple outfit, really. But then, she could wear a paper bag and still look like a million bucks. He, on the other hand, wore a pair of basketball shorts that she'd cut a rectangles into that would allow his fixators to poke out but still provide coverage to his leg. Just another of the millions of thoughtful things she'd done lately. With it he wore a dry fit t-shirt with the Cubs logo, and pair of sneakers. Actually, compared to him right now; she'd look like a trillion dollars in that paper bag.

"Listen, I have a reputation to live up to here. You've _talked_ about me there." She giggled nervously, because that's exactly what she was. Nervous, excited, thankful; because inviting her to be part of this was letting her in on a whole new level. One she never would've even thought to be a possibility.

Not long after they'd left Med, they were heading to the veteran's affairs outpost where he hadn't been since they'd tied the knot and then he'd been disabled by that glock.

Mark had visited him twice when he was laid up in the hospital and they'd been some of the only moments with out Erin there that he'd felt any sort of relief from the stress that plagued him. His only regret was that they'd never run into each other in their time with him in the hospital. She was the most important person in his life and thanks to his counsel and encouragement, Mark was rising on that list of important people rapidly as well.

It was like meeting someone's family for the first time. She'd put faces to names she'd heard in stories Jay had shared; some of them heartbreaking, other's hopeful. She'd get congratulations about their wedding from people who should be strangers, but felt familiar. She'd relish in the fact that he seemed so comfortable here; there was no darkness in him right now.

She'd meet Mark last because someone in the hallway had accosted him so he'd only just entered the room. "Erin!" He'd smile so warmly at her she could feel it all around her.

"You must be Mark, I've heard a lot about you." She leaned into the hug he offered and then pulled back, helping Jay to situate himself in a chair he should've been sitting in already, especially after all the effort he'd just exuded at PT. She'd grab another two to prop up his leg and then slide the pillows out from under her arm to add both comfort and support. underneath his skin.

"You're right about her, Jay." Mark would wink at them before moving to the place in the circle where he always sat. Erin would cast Jay a confused look and he'd simply shrug it off, his facial expression would indicate he'd fill her in later.

Erin listened intently to everything that would unfold in the next few minutes. Mark was a natural speaker. That warmth she felt from him earlier would radiate in his words now as well. He was inviting, relaxing, and she found herself lulled to calmness by the deep steadiness in his tone. The slight southern drawl to his voice was more evident in some words, she found herself focusing on that and then all the sudden she'd snap back to reality when that voice would speak _his_ name; "Go ahead, Jay."

Erin cursed herself for getting lost in that thought because she wasn't sure exactly what Jay was about to 'go ahead' with, but she'd find out soon enough, because for the second time since he'd been a part of it, he'd address the group.

"So, as you see, I've got several new pieces of jewelry going on here. This, more lovely one;" He'd brandish his ring. "And I'd also like to reiterate that yes, this beautiful woman is my _actual_ wife." He'd pick up her hand and flash her own pair of rings to exemplify that detail. This action would make Erin blush slightly; she wasn't one for being the center of attention, especially in such a vulnerable place. He'd continue to speak though, and drop her hand so she could retract it into her lap, where his would join hers, resting easily on top of her crossed legs.

"But also this;" His hand not occupied by her thigh would point a thumb down to the external fixator that he'd hope would soon become a distant memory. "I got shot. It was about a month ago, bastard got a lucky shot off on me before I dropped him." He'd take a sharp breath at that part of the story; no matter how despicable a person was, it was hard to know you'd ended a life. He'd felt that far too many times for it to be a fleeting feeling anymore. It was something that would stay with him forever now, whether he wanted it to or not. "Shitty part is, the bullet manages to fracture my femur. Put me out, as you can see. It's hard because work is what has always helped me to keep the mental tortures at bay. Not having that constant has made me have some ugly days." He'd look over at Erin and she'd avert her eyes before he could lock his on to her own because that wasn't the type of thing she'd want as a topic of their unspoken communication, but she was still completely enraptured by his words. "This couldn't have come at a worse time either because it was only, what was it Er, _three_ days," She'd nod to confirm the truth to his statement.

"Three days after we'd gotten back from our honey moon. Ten days since we'd gotten married." He'd swallow hard and it would make her feel the tugs of emotion she didn't want to let out, so she'd grip his hand as it rested on her leg, the entirety of her own able to wrap itself around just his fingers. There'd be a collective murmur of disappointment and shaking of heads, a mutual expression of displeasure and understanding for how awful that was.

"That's when _it_ comes for you the worst, you know?" And everyone in that room would know what _it_ was meant to represent. "My wife and I are both in the Intelligence unit; if she were telling this story she'd probably point out that she'd been in it longer." He smiled gently at her before continuing. "She was there when I got shot, in that basement…. she'd be the last thing I saw before I closed by eyes for what she thought might be for good because as she rode in that ambulance, she watched my heart stop. She watched an AED bring me back to life, essentially." This part of his story would weaken her resolve and redden her eyes enough that tears were certainly on their horizon. She'd cast them to the floor, to will the tears not to fall.

"Now I, like many… _all_ of you, have watched a brother or sister leave this life with my own eyes; far too many times. It's a feeling that never leaves you. Haunts you. Makes you wonder why it was them and not you. I'm sure you're all familiar with what I'm saying." Every head in that circle would nod, it was a terrible club to belong to, a commonality you didn't wish to find with anyone, really.

"I've never had the misfortune though, and I hope _every fucking day_ that I _never_ do; of watching the person I love _die_ …" He'd swallow hard again and many eyes around that circle would be glossy with threatening tears just like Erin's but she was still busy studying the chartreuse carpet under her feet, willing herself to keep it together just a little longer. "That is something I'd never wish on anyone." His voice would be quiet. "Even knowing the loss I've seen, the loss I've caused myself, I don't think I could ever feel prepared for that anguish. And yet; she's shown up for me every single day. Even the days where I refused to show up for myself and I let _it_ " He'd use that euphemistic way of referring to his PTSD again, "… take me over. She'd keep fighting. Fighting for me, for us, but never herself; no she always finds a way to put herself last on her list of important things."

That would be the phrasing that would do her in and even though she managed to keep them silent, those tears would fall from her eyes now and they'd drop fat puddles onto the back of his hand where it sat there on her thigh. "So I was telling this to Mark after a particularly dark morning of being wrapped up in my thoughts. Mark called me because he just seems to know when you really need him to kick you in the ass, I guess;" This would elicit another group of nods and even some laughs; though they were usually coming from tear stained faces.

"He called me and I just kind of let it all out to him and he gave me some advice. Some really sage, advice." His hand would rise from her leg finally to tap under her chin and force her to meet his gaze. "He told me; if she can't put herself first you do it for her. You make her hear all the things you should have told her that first night that you _still_ haven't properly done. You make her listen, because she won't want to, she'll want to focus on you…" She'd smile ever so slightly through her tears and his voice would grow slightly more ragged as he went on. "I told him, Mark; you haven't met this woman she isn't like anyone else, and she's more stubborn than I am and I would've never believed that was possible." She'd shake her head and bite her lip gently and though the tears were still flowing, they weren't fraught with sadness. "So he told me, bring her _here_ then. Let her in. All the way. You want her to listen, you have to give her a reason to open her ears. So here we are, _wife."_ A few tears would escape his own eyes before he could stop them but he'd take a deep breath to make sure they were the only ones that could forsake him that way, "You went through something real and painful and you are brave and incredible for handling it but it's okay if you can't quite handle it all the time. This group of people knows that better than anyone. It felt like, you should…. be here too. Because we understand, on some level, what you're going through and I'm not sure there are many people who could. And if there is one thing I've learned when I try to deal with my own PTSD," He'd finally articulate that hated acronym, "I cannot do it without the support of people who understand."

Again, every head in that circle with nod and they'd cast Erin knowing looks and understanding glances.

Mark would speak again now; and Erin would settle herself the best she could into the crook of her husband's arm because she loved him even more now than she did before and that was something that she would have sworn was a truly an impossible feat. She'd be surprised though, to find that as the tall, burly man spoke, he looked her right in the eyes.

She would return that strong stare with confidence that she didn't even know she had before it had become alit in her pupils. "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; is defined by the Mayo Clinic and on the brochures in the lobby as a 'disorder characterized by failure to recover after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event.' A _trauma_ , if you will." He'd _really_ look into her eyes; into her soul, when he spoke the next words; relaying the story he'd gotten from Jay back to her slightly now. "Maybe a kind of trauma where you are doing your job one minute and the next; the person you love more than you have ever even loved yourself is lying on the floor with a pool of his own blood under his leg. Minutes after that, you think that he's gone, because it takes the medics far too long to get him back to you during that ambulance ride. You sit in a hospital for hours; wondering what's going to happen. Then hours turn into days. And your life is so consumed by helping someone else through _his_ trauma that you forget to help yourself. And you don't find any time or put any effort into helping yourself through yours. You stew in it. Or possibly worse, you shove it so far down inside of you that you almost forget it's there. That may be a temporary fix but, when you shove darkness into darkness, it seems to grow larger and more overwhelming and it won't stay shoved down inside of you forever, it will come out. And it will be worse than it was and uncontrollable sometimes and it will lead you to do things that you aren't only not proud of; you're not even able to remember what those actions were because you get so blinded by your grief and your PTSD that you can't tell which side is up. So you have to come to places like this to keep your head on straight. And, we'd be more than happy to have you join our family, because we can help you through this."

"Just like they've helped me." Jay would offer gently.

There'd be several more choruses of " _me too_ " and " _I don't know where'd I'd be with out this place_ " before the voices of that circle would turn more personally to address her.

" _You are incredibly brave, I can't imagine what you've gone through."_

" _He is lucky to have you. You're lucky to have him. I would do anything to find someone who loves me like that."_

" _You're our honorary sister now…"_

And just like that, Erin Lindsay's family; that had recently only really consisted of her husband and her unit, would grow ten times larger that day.


	33. Chapter 33

Removing an external fixator was a long process; broken into three steps. The entirety of it was far too complicated and lengthy for Erin's taste. Two stages had been complete and Erin sat in the waiting room, waiting for to be into the recovery room where he'd be waiting, finally free of the monstrosity that had interrupted their lives for the past month and change. She'd taken the next two days off to take care of him. And; so that he could finally _take care of her_.

A nurse she didn't recognize would come to get her after about 45 minutes, to let her know the procedure had gone smoothly and Jay would be loopy and happy, his leg in a hinged knee brace that would prove much less restrictive that his leg's prior ornamentation. She'd sit with him for a while, he was still silly from what he'd called the "happy juice" they'd given him before starting the procedure. An orderly would help him into a wheel chair and then they'd load him into the car, where he'd become more lucid as they travelled back to Al's garage.

"I wish we were going _home_." He sighed, his hands groping at the black material that now encapsulated his leg, replacing the metal fixator. He was still feeling rather numb, but it felt better already. You could never understand how wonderful it felt to bend your knee until it had been kept straight for six weeks. "I'm going to make those stairs my bitch in two weeks time, watch me." He'd affirm, a goofy smile on his lips. "We'll go up those stairs and I will take you to bed for a week."

"Two weeks, hmm?" She'd grin gently. "Let's take it one day at a time, babe." A wink would follow her words, giving them a lightness about them. "But the bed for a week part… that can begin _any_ time you want."

Erin hated to have a one-track mind but; she'd been thinking of approximately one thing the entire time she'd been in that waiting room. She hadn't accounted for his loopiness, so it would delay her already pressing plans even more. She was slightly surprised that he hadn't brought up his plans for what he was going to do to her tonight. It was a thought she'd consider as they drove the rest of the way in relative silence.

Of course it was on his mind; you could've pumped him full of much harder drugs than he'd been given for his outpatient procedure and he'd still have those thoughts clearly at the forefront of his mind. But it was clearly bothering her that he hadn't mentioned it yet and he'd indulge himself in the chance to tease her a bit more with the mere act of obliviousness that would have her almost scowling as she drove. It would only add to the impact of his plan that she would get nearly every red light possible on that drive home.

"I was thinking…." He'd begin, trying to hide the coyness in his smile as he drew her in. "About tonight." He'd cast her a look and he'd see her breath catch from the way her chest had just risen up sharply.

"Yeah?" The sudden huskiness to her voice would almost end the game right there because _goddamn_ if he didn't want her with a ferocious intensity right now.

"We should play _scrabble_." He'd allude to that innocent term coined to represent something much more naughty that they'd had a conversation about what seemed like almost a lifetime ago now.

"I'll show you a triple word score;" She'd wink, a giggle bouncing from her lips.

"Game on, _wife_." His grin would have its own deviousness in it as they pulled in to the driveway.

Though he'd practiced walking on his crutches now that the fixator was gone back at the hospital, it would still be a strange adjustment. He was still rather numb from the local anesthesia and the improved mobility that came with the brace would prove much simpler to navigate. He'd move more easily now, as he made his way to the door after she'd unlocked it for them. "Alright so, I think I saw it on the bookshelf."

Erin would cast a confused look at him, turning around after he was through the threshold and she'd closed the door behind them. What was he babbling about? Maybe he was still more out of it than she realized. "What's on the bookshelf?" She'd ask, amusement evident in her eyes now.

"Scrabble." His answer would be simple; concise. But, it would leave her looking even more puzzled.

"Wait— _what_?" Her eyebrows would knit together now and then she'd look over at the bookshelf he'd indicated and sure enough, once her eyes scanned the third shelf, she'd see the red board game box. A slight flush would tint her cheeks and chest as she returned her eyes to his and when that sneaky smile tugged at the corners of his mouth, she rolled her eyes. He was toying with her. Well, two could play that game, right? "Seems like you're right. Why don't we get you situated and then, I'll get _everything_ all set up." She'd annunciate each word of that last phrase rather pointedly, before giving her hips some extra sway as she walked away from him.

 _Shit_. He'd think to himself. She was flipping the script. This was _not_ part of the plan. An excited anxiousness would fill him then; somehow he knew what ever torture she might be conjuring now would bring him pleasure as well nonetheless.

She'd come back moments later and make her way to the bookshelf to get the game in a pair of impossibly small jean shorts that she'd gotten on their honeymoon; which would've been enough to kill him on their own especially after a month of craving her but not being able to give in. But it was what she wore on top that really pushed him to the edge. The shirt itself was rather worn and old and it was a muggy brown-green that wouldn't necessarily be considered sexy. But on the front, splayed across her chest in bright yellow lettering, read the word 'Ranger.' She gathered the too big t-shirt up to one side, cinching it at her waistline and using the hair tie that had previously been around her wrist to secure it there. It would leave a small peaking of skin and well defined abs there where the soft fabric of that shirt ended and the thicker fabric of those denim shorts began. When she made her way back to the couch with that red box in her hand, she'd drop it onto the coffee table and then place her hand on her hip as she stood there in front of him.

He wouldn't be able to stop himself from licking his lips as he took her in fully. " _Damn_ —" It would come out almost like a whisper. He was ready to bring the game to and end before it began, so he reached towards her bare thigh, tracing his finger's lightly up its inseam. She'd smiled gently at him, but made no attempt to give in to his teasing touch.

Instead, she'd position herself to across from him, cross legged on the floor, as she got the board out and handed him a tile holder and she'd dip her hand into the bag containing the letter tiles to pick out her seven before passing it to him, tapping her finger against her bottom lip thoughtfully as she considered words she could make.

"So we're doing this?" His eyes were full of bemusement.

"Doing what?" She'd bite her bottom lip thoughtfully, drawing her eyes up to look at him. "Seems like the perfect night for board games. A little G rated fun." She'd say pointedly.

He stared for a few seconds to see if she'd break but her raised eyebrow would let her know he'd be waiting forever for that to happen so he put his hands up in surrender, made a bewildered face of concession, and picked out his own letter tiles. Game on. He just hoped it wouldn't turn ugly like game night often did with her; she was such a competitive little spit fire.

The first couple turns would go rather innocently. She'd gotten shit tiles and made him go first, hoping to cash in on something he'd gotten because she had no vowels. That decision would pay off and have her in the lead after only two turns. The game would be filled with laughs and giggles and it _seemed_ that their lust for each other had taken a back burner.

"N-A-K-E-D. Naked." She'd beam proudly a few rounds in, playing off of the D tile he'd just lain down. "And… look at that it's a double word score…" She'd start calculating the points.

"I thought this fun was rated G?" He'd ask, raising an eyebrow. "One might argue you should actually subtract that amount of points from your score because you went into PG-13 mode…. that's gotta be a rule violation…"

"I'd settle for some PG 13 fun right now…" A laugh would accompany her words. She pushed her hair back and there was a flush of desire present in her cheeks again and her resolve to have him be the one to give in was greatly weakening. She was so sexually frustrated right now that she was pretty sure an over the shirt groping accompanied by sloppy make out session would be enough to get her off.

"I'll allow you to the play the word and get the points _only_ if you show me an example of it; in action. It's in the official scrabble rules, Erin. My hands are tied."

Tied hands? That sounded like an excellent way to spend the night. The simple suggestion would throw her back to that night they'd had after their bachelor/bachelorette party. They'd put his handcuffs to good use that night. It was the only time she'd worn a pair of those bracelets and been happy about it.

"Where'd you go?" His voice would bring her back to reality and she'd look at him and the shit eating grin on his face. He knew she was close to giving in. She had to pull out all the stops or he was going to be right.

"Hmm? Oh… sorry I was just thinking;" She'd bite her lip in that way that drove him _crazy_. "Rules are rules, right?" She'd rise from the floor, stretching her arms above her head to make that tied back t shirt reveal even more of the taut skin of her abdominals, her fingers coming to undo the two buttons and short zipper that kept the denim secured at her hips. It would take little effort to tug them down and when his eyes landed on the fabric, or really the _lack there of_ , that clung to her hip bones now, they'd go wide with desire.

"Game over…" He'd groan, "Get over here, _now_." His eyes would become dark with unmistakable passion and even though she _hated_ being told what to do, those words would call her to action immediately. She'd have to resist the seemingly overwhelming urge to jump on him and raving him; instead she'd move towards him and pause tepidly.

"How should I?" Her voice was surprisingly timid. "I don't want to hurt you…"

"You could never." His voice would take on its own gentleness. "Just come over here." There'd be an insistence in his words that brought her closer now. She'd straddle him carefully hovering over him, but his hands would grab her hips more forcefully, pulling her flush against him. "Puzzle pieces; remember?" He'd whisper into her neck. This angle made her loom over him and he'd welcome the change of view. This was the first time in far too long that she'd been this close to him and it would intoxicate him. The feeling of his strong arms encapsulating her now would nearly send her to the edge.

They didn't exchange passionate kisses, not right away. He'd bury his face into her chest briefly; into that shirt that smelled like him, until he needed to rid her of it because he longed for the warmth of her skin, the soft suppleness that lie beneath. He'd find nothing under that shirt but her; it was a fact that would serve do undo him further and as he leaned in to kiss her collar bone, he'd feel the shiver that moved up her spine.

"I love you," She'd whisper just before their lips would finally find each other. She'd long for the time he could pick her up with one hand and take her to bed; carrying her down the hall with his hands on her ass, or wrapped securely around her. But this would have to do and she'd break that kiss only to tug at his own shirt until it too had become a forgotten memory on the floor.

Their first time in six weeks wouldn't exactly go down in their lovemaking hall of fame. It was somewhat awkward to get started and hadn't lasted nearly long enough for either of them given the fact that he hadn't been able to indulge in any sort of release since his accident. He'd apologize profusely but she'd have none of it and her kisses would erase any ideas he had in his mind about that being a disappointment. She hadn't even understood how much she'd ached for him until they'd been full immersed in one another yet again. Thoughts of their honeymoon would drift back into her thoughts and the vivid pictures of rain covered clothes and sand coated feet would fill her with another wave of desiure.

Those kisses would turn hotter and whispered words would have him raring to go again and the second time they made love on that couch; they'd found their groove more easily. She'd collapse against him after finding her own erotic release. It had been far too long since she'd had a moment like that not given to her by herself she'd instantly long for those seven days in the Keys when she'd had more orgasms than she'd ever thought humanly possible for one person in such a span of time. Those thoughts would have her ready for round three but she could tell he was spent and they had no business testing the limits of their newfound freedom. That wouldn't stop her from giving him one last deep kiss before she rose to collect her clothes and she'd find that his shirt and her panties were more than enough coverage for her now. She'd leave him there, still shirtless, to go heat up last night's left overs and she'd bring him out a bowl of pasta and a glass of water and sit down next to him.

She'd notice a more serious look on his face and it would be her turn to inquire where he'd just gone, "Something on your mind babe?" She'd ask gently, pushing her fork into her bowl before taking a bite.

"Life is short." He'd notate, a curt nod there with his words. "I'm glad I'm spending mine with you." He'd add, reaching over to grab her thigh, his fingers feeling at home when they grazed the soft milky skin there.

"Me too," She'd reply, the dimpled smile that came with her words would speak volumes louder than her voice had just. Love and light radiate from her face, her eyes searching his. "What else?" She'd ask, finding that there was still some secret hidden in his pupils.

"Nothing," Shyness would coat his words at first but one look from her would break through that weak attempt at a façade. "I want it all with you, Erin. The house, the kids, the dog, the white picket fucking fence…. the stupid fights that lead to crazy make up sex, the dinners you'll burn that I'll eat any way, the adventures we'll have, the trips we'll take, the places we'll see together..." He'd trail off; there were too many things he wanted to add to that list that they kept crashing into each other and making them harder to articulate. "I've wanted it all with you since I can remember and I can conjure up _that_ night… you said ' _Maybe one day'_."

" _Oh, definitely_." This time, she'd complete his portion of that conversation; it was a vivid memory for her as well.

"I'm glad we dropped the maybe from that."

"I'm glad we kept the definitely."

"The definitely wasn't even a choice; it was inevitable. That was the night I knew I wanted everything with you. Scared the shit out of me."

"Scared the shit out of you? You have no idea the things you did to me, Jay Halstead." She'd whisper and tears would rim her eyes. "I want _all_ of that too. I want things I've never even dreamed of. It used to terrify me; the way I needed you. I never wanted to need anyone the way I need you… it's so vulnerable, intimidated, anxiety inducing…. and yet; it's also the most wonderful feeling. Safe, secure, loved, respected, protected…. I didn't know that love could look like this." She could feel the emotions swelling in her heart as she recalled that night, that basement, that ambulance ride. "When I thought I'd lost you…." She'd swallow hard. "I had these flashes of all the things we hadn't done yet and all the things we still need to do and the kids and the dog and the house? They were _all_ in there. But the most important thing was that; I still had you." She leaned in to kiss him, this time it would be her hands that cupped his face and neck. "I _want_ all of that; but all I'll ever _need_ is you."


	34. Chapter 34

_Home._

It had been forever since they'd entered this place together and been inside at the same time.

Erin had snuck off to their place the day before to tidy it up. She'd done laundry, put fresh sheets on the bed, straightened the piles of shoes that had grown to a surplus; she'd even taken some of them back to the closet. Next, she'd made work of purging some of the things from there that she definitely didn't need—something he'd asked her to do for the first time _months_ ago and reminded her of several times after that. So; she'd finally get it done. Maybe next time, it wouldn't take him getting into a potentially life ending situation to motivate her to honor his wishes.

Floors would be mopped and vacuumed, furniture would be dusted, and by the time she'd left; she was worried that he might not even recognize this place after the clean up job she'd just executed. She would be beaming with pride as she'd driven back to the garage but she'd hide that smile, this was a surprise worth keeping.

It would be excruciating to keep that secret—but the look on his face once he'd finally walked in to their place had made it worth it. "Erin, I think we're at the wrong place…" She giggled gently and rolled her eyes. He was so predictable.

"See if I ever do anything nice for you again!" Her tone would warn him, but still have a hint of laughter to it, letting him know she wasn't really mad.

He'd back peddle then, "Totally kidding, I shouldn't have led with the joke though, I realize that now." He'd lean towards her to kiss her gently. "You are amazing, thank you baby, our place looks immaculate." His lips would move to brush against her neck and she'd appreciate the subtle scratch of his stubble as it moved against her own, softer skin.

Sunlight would pour in through the windows even as the sun had started to sink towards the horizon, a slight orange glow would emanate from outside windows. "Welcome home." She would say emphatically, walking towards him, pressing herself to his chest. Her lips would find his again and there would be no timidity in their kisses, her hands would slide up his chest towards his neck and he'd lean slightly against her, mostly for the sake of closeness, but also for support. His recovery journey wasn't over, but the end was finally in sight.

He'd returned to work part of the way, only able to help out from the bull pen – he'd finally understand Erin's pain from her time confined there as well. But, it was better than nothing and it was helping to get even more back to being fully himself.

He couldn't pretend it didn't turn him on a little, helping her into her vest when she and the rest of the team left him behind in the roll out when they left for a raid, and seeing his bad ass wife come back each time from kicking ass. Adrenaline looked good on her. It was in these times they'd found each other somewhat irresistible. They'd snuck in some private moments in locker room showers and even one time in the cage—it was a secret they'd swear to keep forever. And a memory they'd often repay in their own minds.

He'd finally lost the crutches for good a week and a half ago and he was still slow going. There was no way he could even beat Platt in a foot race right now, but thanks to his insane level of fitness before the shooting, he was progressing ahead of schedule. He wasn't in the shape to pick her up and carry her down the hall to bed like he desperately wanted to as soon as they'd walked in the door, but he could certainly back her up against the wall as their kisses deepened.

Her hands would shift back down to his waist and his would come to rest on her back now, his thumbs pressing behind her earlobes. The kisses would be rushed, passionate, and insatiable. Something about being _home_ made them need each other that much more.

There was urgency in the way he tugged her razor-backed shirt over her head and it didn't matter to him that she was in a sports bra and spandex workout out pants having stopped at the gym after leaving the District that night. He'd been given PT exercises to do on his own and had started adding his own strength building exercises into the mix to help the rest of his body get back to optimal functioning mode. She'd joined him to run and box out some of her frustrations on one of the bags, her new favorite way to get rid of stress and combat the darkness.

But, she wanted this to be more special than sweaty clothes and pressing themselves against a wall hurriedly. She wanted _their_ bed, the feeling of her toes curling up against the soft lavender sheets. This would motivate her to break their series of kisses; "Trust me…" Her chest would heave and fall rapidly, "… it's totally worth the wait." She'd punctuate that statement with one more intense kiss before adding, "Tonight is about me and you… no interruptions. Lets turn off our phones, disconnect from _everything_."

"Sounds like a perfect idea," He'd agree to her terms and they'd both do just that, powering down their phones and discarding them on the coffee table ceremoniously.

With that, she'd duck under his arm and move towards their bedroom, leaving him with strict instructions not to come in there or open the door until she'd come out on her own. He'd hear the door close and there were sounds coming from that room that made him think she was destroying all of her own cleaning efforts from before with whatever she was doing in there right now. But he'd find himself more than welcoming whatever mess could be waiting for them once she opened their bedroom door and came out in one of his tops again.

This time, it was his Blackhawk's jersey she'd repurposed as her own and she'd swept her hair back out of her face into a half ponytail, his eyes would scan her from top to bottom more than once and he was slack jawed for awhile before he spoke. "You could look incredible in absolutely anything but," He'd move more swiftly than he had in a long time to meet her there in the space where the hallway ended and spilled into the living room. "Something about the way you look in my clothes though…." He'd shake his head and let out a deeply appreciative sigh. "It's my favorite thing." He'd confess.

Barefoot, she would pad across the rest of the distance that separated them before her hands came to his hips, her fingers finding the hem of his shirt. "Something tells me what's underneath might _also_ be your favorite." She'd grin easily as she stared up at him; lust, love, and longing all evident in her hazel orbs.

He'd stoop slightly to close the distance their height difference created and his lips would capture hers, interrupted by the removal of his shirt. Her hands would find his face and she'd lean up on tiptoes to create more closeness between them.

Fuck the pain; he needed to this, even if just to prove to himself he could still make love to his wife properly, in the way that goddess of a woman deserved to be worshipped. His hands would find her hips now, and without breaking the kiss they shared, he'd slide them down the curve of her ass until they'd found the backs of her bare thighs. He'd grip the supple skin there and then swiftly; he'd pick her up. "Jay," She'd whisper, aware of his current limitations even when being beyond ready to give in completely to lustful fantasies. She'd force herself to at least attempt to pay attention to the logic and logistics of this before they did anything that could make his condition worse or reverse any of the progress he'd made thus far.

He'd hike her up further on his torso in response and even though he would find one arm using the wall as a slight support; he'd carry her to their bed. When that jersey came off, it would serve to prove the truth to her earlier claim. The get up under that jersey would top his list of favorite things he'd ever had the pleasure of seeing her in.

His eyes would travel up her legs to land on the black garters first where they took up residence halfway up her thighs, an area previously covered by the fabric of that oversized jersey. His eyes would stay there for a few seconds before moving up the black ribbons attached to each of those lacy place pieces of fabric that led to the garter belt. When his eyes fell on the burgundy fabric that clung to her hips; lace and satin interwoven, his breath would catch in his throat. His eyes would barely make it the rest of the way up her incredible body before she was tugging him down to join her where he'd deposited her there on the bed and he wouldn't waste either of their times anymore as he captured her lips with an impassioned ferocity.

They'd reacquaint themselves with that bedroom more than once before also reintroducing themselves to _that_ wall and then even the kitchen counter during what was supposed to be a rehydration break between rounds. She'd helpfully pointed out the memory of the kitchen counter in the keys and how it had served them so well. What a shame they hadn't showed their own kitchen counter the same attention. Making up for lost time and making the _best_ use of every surface in this apartment had beaten out their need to refuel and they couldn't be bothered to make it back to the bedroom before they were removing the few articles of clothing they'd put back on.

He'd been _just_ about to join her for round five in the shower when they'd heard a knock on the door. "Ignore it…" She'd groan, her already wet hands pulling back the striped shower curtain to tempt him further. He'd tug his shirt over his head, willing to give in to her request but than the knock came again, this time louder and with more repetitious raps in a row. It was quarter past midnight, who would be doing that at this time of day? "They probably have the wrong door," she'd mutter against his lips, her hands moving towards the basketball shorts that adorned his hips.

"Five seconds…" He'd promise, after pulling away from those hot kisses with great reluctance; because there were only a handful of people who even knew they were home tonight and none of them would drop by unannounced if it weren't important.

Hank would appear in the hallway when he pulled back the door, concern written into his forehead, Danny in his arms, asleep with his head on his grandfather's shoulder. "Where's Erin?" He'd ask, his voice softer than usual given the toddler perched on his shoulder; but his demeanor gave no indication of why he was here or what else was going on.

"She's in the shower…" Jay would say, confusion evident in his face. "What's going on?"

"At this time of night?" Jay would give Hank a blank stare that would indicate he didn't want to ask for details about that, or why he himself was currently shirtless, for that matter. Taking the unspoken hint, Hank would drop that topic quickly and move on to why he'd shown up there, seemingly without warning. "Neither of you were answering your phones." Hank would sigh, his hand not wrapped securely around his sleeping grandson tucked into his jean pocket, Jay could tell there was more he wanted to say but, as usual, he'd make you draw it out of him. 

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, we powered them down earlier… trying to have a quiet night _alone,_ since it's our first night back in the apartment." Jay would explain, even though he didn't know why it was necessary.

"Jay…. it's been two seconds…" Erin's voice would be a muffled sing-song, but still clear enough to decipher as she shouted for him from the bathroom where he'd left her with promises of a fast return to join her for more intimate pleasures, wondering what was taking him so long.

"I'll be there in a minute, babe." His voice would rise slightly to carry its way to her and he'd look back at Hank. "Hank, it's not the best timing, what's…"

"Can you get her, please?" Hank would interrupt Jay and invite himself in, effectively ending any plans Jay had of joining his wife in the shower. But Hank was acting strange and that meant something was up. So he'd honor his wishes because Hank had never just shown up here and as far as he and Erin has last known, Danny lived in Arizona with Olive and had for quite some time now. The fact that they were both here, at this time, it couldn't mean anything good was going on.

"Yeah… of course." He'd nod after the older man, who was walking into their living room. Jay tried not to cringe at the fact that Hank hadn't taken off his boots and they'd just tracked bits of outside particles all over the floor Erin had worked so hard to clean.

He'd walk as fast as his leg would allow without pain down the hall and she'd pull back the curtain annoyed when he finally walked into their bathroom. "About time! I was going to get started without you…" She giggled and she'd reach for him again, but he'd shake his head, as much as it disappointed him to refuse any chance to admire her body, especially when she was all wet and drops of water cascaded down each curve in a way that exuded sensuality. This vision of her would make him swallow hard and test his resolve as a good man; he needed to stay focused on Hank's request on not on all the amazing things his tongue wanted to do to her in that shower.

"Hank's here, with Danny." He'd say, thickness in his voice, as he had to adjust himself and the waistband of his shorts.

Those words would be enough to completely kill the mood she'd been in; one that had her more than willing to lay him down in the bottom of that tub and do all sorts of unladylike things to him while hot water poured over their naked bodies. "What? Why? What's going on?" She asked, her facial expression turning from one of lust to concerned confusion in milliseconds.

"I wish I knew, he's acting strange, asked me to get you. That's all I know." His answer, or really lack there of, would prompt her to turn off the water and he'd already put on his shirt and handed her a towel to dry herself with before she'd even stepped onto their memory foam bathmat.

She'd tie her hair up into a messy bun, though droplets of water would still drip from the ends of exposed hair, creating a wetness that pooled around the neckline of the old police academy shirt she'd just taken out of the drawer. She'd slide a pair of sweatpants up her still damp legs and then join three of the most important people in her life in their living room.

She dipped down to press a soft kiss to Danny's forehead as he lay curled up and soundly asleep on the couch next to Hank, whose forehead she'd also deposit a kiss on before moving to the _only_ seat available to her now, which was on the arm of the couch behind Jay. She'd perch there, her hand resting on Jay's shoulder as she angled herself towards Hank. Her eyes would do the inquiring instead of her words and she'd ask him to explain what was gong on silently.

He'd recount to them a tale of how four days ago, Olive had called, told him she was in trouble and asking if she and Danny could stay with Hank a few days. He hadn't pressed her for details at first because she seemed a little shaken up, he didn't want to push her if she wasn't ready. The second morning, she told him a story that would stir that dark monster inside of him that often found itself unleashing on the criminals unlucky enough to sit themselves in the cage with just him around. "She tells me that for the past four months, she'd been living with this guy… Brody something. Says he started smacking her around a little a few weeks back but he pushed her into a dresser four days ago and she busted her eye and cheek on the edge, ended up needing stitches at the hospital. She lied… said she tripped over the vacuum cord. Then when she left the hospital, instead of going to her place, she went to a friend's and called me, didn't give me any details but I don't need any when my family says their in trouble, I'll step up, no matter what. It's what Justin would've done too…." Their boss would swallow hard, tapping into his resolve to stay strong through the delivery of this story. "So, I got them two tickets for a direct flight from Scottsdale the next morning and she had been staying with me the past few days." His voice would grow in gruffness, causing the almost three year old asleep on the couch to stir slightly.

Sensing that perhaps this was a conversation that may grow more emotional, Erin would rise now to pick up the little boy, the closest thing she might ever have to a nephew. Once he settled against her chest naturally, his head moving into the space next to her neck, she carried him wordlessly to their guest bedroom. The sight of that small moment would do all sorts of things to Jay Halstead.

After tucking pillows around his sides to keep him from rolling off the bed, she'd covered the little boy with a blanket and moved back to the living room to rejoin the two men. She'd sit in front of Jay now, directly facing Hank. Jay's hand would come to rest comfortingly on her hip, reminding her to stay calm and that no matter what he had her back in whatever might transpire with the rest of this conversation. "Why didn't you call me about this when she first showed up?" She asked, eyes wide as she stared at Hank.

"You've had enough going on, I didn't think this was something you needed on your plate. I thought I was handling it for her but then tonight, she goes out with two girlfriends, I told her it was a good idea; go out with her old friends, feel some sense of normalcy again for a change. I told her I'd watch Danny. She told me she'd be home at 10:30, but when she wasn't I figured she'd lost track of time which was a good thing, because after all she's been through since…" He wouldn't need to torture himself by finishing that sentence. Erin would nod for him to continue, breezing past it. "… but then an hour came and went and I hadn't heard from her. I called her phone a couple times, no answer. Then, suddenly, I get a call from Olive's phone but it's her friend, Jenny. Says that this guy Olive had called Brody showed up at the club they'd been at and Olive had gone with him to talk outside. After fifteen minutes when she hadn't come back, they went out to get her and bring her back in to dance and have a good time and Olive was gone. They asked around, but didn't find her. No one has seen or heard from her since; Jenny was holding her phone for her because she hadn't brought a purse out with her. She didn't really have much time to pack before they'd headed out here." Hank would swallow hard. "I want to look into this _myself_ as that kid's grandfather," He'd make a sweeping motion towards the bedroom where Erin had carried Danny, "… and as Olive's father in law. Give me 24 hours to look into this, if I come up empty; then I take it to brass and we open an official case, but… if this piece of shit did anything to Olive then… he doesn't deserve his day in court." A familiar sneer and scowl would appear on Hank's face and Erin would draw a sharp breath, considering her next words carefully.

"Hank…." She began, but there was no use trying to talk sense into him when he got this way, that was something she knew as an absolute fact. "I just have to say it to say it, I'm not sure this is a great idea…but that being said, I know you don't give a shit whether I think this is a great idea or not so, I guess all I _really_ have to say is; what do you need me to do here?"

"Al is going to help me out with this, Erin." Hank would admit. This admission would elicit a scoff from her because of course he wasn't coming to her with this because he trusted her to help him handle things, what had she expected? After all, it wasn't like she'd proven herself to be his most loyal of confidants after how she'd handled things for him after shit had gone south at the Silos after he'd crossed the line with Justin's killer. But, now wasn't the time to focus on her need for validation, the most important thing was finding Olive and making sure this Brody guy got served a little Chicago style justice. "He's already down at the club getting security footage to see if Olive gets into a car with this bastard or if we can get any information at all on where they may have gone or if they are even together at all. What I need from you is… to keep an eye on Danny while I handle this, I need to know that he is one hundred and fifty percent safe. So, tomorrow, instead of coming to work, you take the day off and watch him, I'll stay in touch with updates, and we'll figure it out from there… you're the only person I can trust with this Erin. You're the only family we have here."

Despite her still fairly recent acceptance of the fact that she and Jay would most certainly at least attempt to have a family of their own someday, she still didn't know much about child rearing past the point of being comforting and knowing how to talk to kids, especially the ones involved in the tragic workings of their cases. But watching a three year old in their apartment over night and then during the day tomorrow, and knowing Hank, perhaps indefinitely until this was all resolved? That was a rather alarming prospect. But, it wasn't as though she could ever say no to Hank, especially when he had such a desperate look in his eyes. Olive and Danny were his only link left to Justin, he'd do anything to protect them and she knew she'd do anything to help. Because that is what family did for each other.

Sensing her uneasy willingness to help, Hank would amend his original statement. "Halstead will stay with you he's family now too, I'll say I detailed you two to a special assignment and you two stay here, take care of Danny, and I'll let you know if we find anything or need anything else." He'd search both of their faces and Jay would turn back to look at Erin and they'd share a nod before she spoke up for the pair of them.

"Okay, Hank… if this is what you need then you know we have your back. But, if things start to get hairy can you please call me and…" But her words would trail off because as soon as she'd confirmed she'd take care of Danny, he had started walking towards the door dismissively. This would annoy her somewhat. "Hank—wait!" She said, her voice rising slightly in volume as she stormed after him. Jay would rise more slowly from the couch, due to his condition, but he'd move to follow them as well. "Don't do anything stupid, okay?" She stated the obvious, because of all the things she wanted to say to him right now, it seemed like the safest choice. "And please, please call me and check in and keep me up to date and if there is anything we can do to help…"

Hank would stop and although he wouldn't respond verbally, he'd move to hug her quickly and clasp Jay gently on the shoulder in a surprising show of emotion towards the man who was basically his son-in-law. Then, with a nod, he'd head out and leave them alone to consider what he'd just told them and more importantly, what they were doing to do with Danny tonight and more pressing than that, what they'd do in the morning when he woke up.


	35. Chapter 35

The events of last night would come back to her in a slow, blurry haze when she awoke the next morning sometime after eight am. She'd be confused to reach for the comforting warmth of his arms where she'd planned to snuggle up and get a few more moments of reprieve before going to investigate in their guest bedroom to see if her nephew had stirred awake.

The absence of the over six foot muscular frame she'd grown accustomed to waking up next to would prompt her eyes to open and she'd stretch her arms lazily over her head as she contemplated where he might be. Had he decided that babysitting with her just wasn't his cup of a tea and bailed to the district? She'd grow preemptively annoyed at him once her mind had made that assumption and she'd rise from their bed and slide the discarded sweatpants she'd been wearing the night before up to her hips before opening their bedroom door.

Sounds from the kitchen and smells that must've been born there too wafted down the hallway and any annoyance she had would quickly vanish. She'd heard the faint sound of the TV on in the living room as well as she walked down the hall with bare feet.

Danny was sprawled on the couch in chill mode, hands behind his head, elbows sticking out watching cartoons. Noticing this would stop her search for Jay briefly and she'd lean over the back of the couch to catch the toddler by surprise, tickling him! "Good morning little man!" She beamed down on him, her fingers roaming in playfully around his belly while she pressed kisses to his face. The boy would giggle with delight. "Pretty!" He'd shout, throwing his arms around her neck when she'd finally stopped her tickle torture. She scooped him up and hugged him just a little tighter, wondering what would happen over the next few hours.

Pretty. It was his nickname for her. After Olive and Danny had moved to Arizona to be closer to her sister, Hank had taken it pretty hard. As smart as the man was, especially when it came to his instincts, he was rather daft when it came to operating technologies, especially video chat. So Erin had taken to going over to Hank's every so often for a planned video chat with Olive and Danny as a way to lift his spirits and make sure they could stay involved in his life. Over the past year and change they'd had more than you could count on two hands, but it was their very first one had earned her the nickname. Hank had been fixing them both coffees in the back so it was Erin's face that had appeared to Danny and Olive first when they'd connected and Danny's eyes had lit up when he saw her face. "Oooh…. pretty!" He'd exclaimed, clapping his tiny hands together. After that, it had just stuck. In recalling those found memories she'd think back to the last time they'd done one of those chats. It had definitely been months; things had gotten crazy on her end and they'd fallen to the wayside. She felt guilty. If she'd done her unspoken vow she'd promised to Justin when working through her grief over his death any justice, she'd have made sure everything was good with Olive and Danny, no matter what was going on in her life. She'd let her brother down. She'd let herself down.

In order to shake off the darkness of those thoughts, Erin would press a couple more kisses to his sweet little face before depositing him onto the couch so he could resume his captivation of the characters on the screen. "Where's your Uncle Jay, hmm?" She'd ask, noting that he obviously wasn't in the living room with Danny.

"Him in the ki-shen. Him makin' pan-takes." Danny would articulate surprisingly well, Erin would smirk at his words. Damn was he adorable; his hair was darker now, his looks favored Justin more. It would be a realization that made her breath catch.

"Pancakes? Yummmm!" She'd recover quickly and exaggerate that last syllable of that word slightly and then she'd realize she'd officially lost her nephew's attention to the cartoon puppies on their giant TV screen and she moseyed into the kitchen where she would in fact find Jay, shirtless but wearing an apron, a fact that would almost make her forget that her nephew was on the couch because holy fuck did the sight of him all sexy and domestic make her want to do unspeakable things to him.

Mustering every ounce of unused self-control left in her, she sauntered up behind him and slid her arms around his waist. His body would react with slight surprise as her sudden and unexpected presence. "Babe! I didn't hear you get up." He'd confess, pouring a silver dollar sized amount of batter into the pan before turning himself slightly so he could kiss her.

"Same to you…. what is all this? I didn't realize we had any food here yet… I meant to stock up but after cleaning I was too tired to be more productive…"

"Yeah, I went to the store this morning. No big deal." He'd shrug and turn his attention back to the pan where he'd flip the pancake with great ease. Seriously, who knew making pancakes could be such a turn on? Erin would shake the dirty thoughts from her mind again and show her appreciation for his thoughtfulness in a more innocent way.

She pressed her lips to his bare shoulder and sighed. "You are too good to me, Jay Halstead." She'd sigh, her hands moving to brush over his abs where they were hidden behind that green apron fabric.

"Working every day to be good enough, actually." He'd correct sweetly, his free hand coming around her back to gently pat her butt. "My mom… she used to make us special breakfasts on Saturday mornings. Her, Will, and I would get TV trays and wake up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons. She'd make pancakes every time but she'd decorate them to be faces…. clowns, Santa, one time she did a really impressive one that looked like Gene Simmons from Kiss…." He'd trail off and shake his head with a smile, recalling those happy memories of simpler times. "Anyway, it used to always make me happy. I thought, why the hell not right? So I went and got stuff to make pancakes. Because kids love pancakes." He shrugged like it was no big deal and then added, "And I picked up some blocks and a couple cars…. coloring book and some crayons, I figured we could go to the park or something around lunch time but we're going to need supplies to keep him entertained. until then and afterwards."

Each word he spoke would make her heart swell just that much more and by the time he was done she was ready to burst at the seams with the overwhelming love and adoration she had for this sweet, thoughtful man she was more than sure she didn't deserve after all the things she'd done in her past. But she'd accept this fluke. She'd take the flaw in the system that had put them together because maybe she didn't deserve his gentle, caring, warmth but; she would find it to be her home now and she knew she was a better woman for having him in her life. There wasn't a day she'd taken this man for granted; especially after life had reminded them both how short and fragile it could be. There forever was right now; they were living in it;, not bystanders waiting for it to happen.

"You are _amazing_ …" She'd whisper and she'd tug at him until he was turned around to face her and she'd capture his lips in a passionate kiss that she hoped would translate not just her gratitude for this moment, but for all the moments that had led them here. When she broke the kiss, her teeth would tug gently at his bottom lip in a different sort of unspoken message; one meant to convey just how she planned to show her appreciation for his thoughtfulness later; at a more opportune time.

"You kissin' him!" A giggle would accompany the toddler voice that had just interrupted their private moment and they'd pull back and join in his laughter.

"You're next!" Erin would remark and she'd draw herself away from Jay to give chase to her nephew who would take off as fast as his little legs would take him, heading back towards the living room, squealing with delight. The sight of that would do all sorts of thing to Jay as well. He'd wear an unmistakable smile on his lips as he finished preparing them all breakfast.

Less than fifteen minutes later he'd join them in the living room, picking up Danny under his arm and flying him like an airplane to the kitchen table. There, waiting in front of the seat he'd take where he'd sit Danny on his knee would be a pancake "face." A beard of whipped cream would surround a mouth made of sliced strawberries, a tuft of hair at the top of the place would be made of the same creamy treat. Two slices of kiwi would serve as eyes. And a whole strawberry would protrude from the middle of it all as a nose. Jay would beam proudly at his creation that would be promptly destroyed by Danny who, having no time to be bothered with silverware would slap his entire hand into the whipped cream before pulling it up to his face where he'd seem to smear it everywhere but his mouth, and then lick it off.

By the end of breakfast, Jay and Danny would both be covered in bits of pancake, syrup, fruit, and whipped cream. Erin would be amused to see just how much this bothered her favorite neat freak who would be more than willing to retreat to the shower when she'd granted him permission to abandon her to clean up the kitchen and the little boy since he'd been sweet enough to make them all breakfast. She'd only manage to get the plates into the sink before Danny was ready to go, go go, and she was following him out of the kitchen with a wet paper towel trying to clean his face and hands fruitlessly.

By the time Jay reemerged from the shower smelling fresh and manly, dressed in shorts and a bright blue t-shirt, Erin had only managed to clean part of Danny's face and change him into a pair clean pair of shorts from the small bag Hank had brought over with him. Danny had one sock on his hand and his t-shirt on his head like a wig. Erin would give Jay a look of frustrated amusement, begging for help.

He'd couldn't help but smile at her and he dipped down to kiss her forehead before struggling to lower himself to sit on the floor, his long reach easily getting a hold on Danny as he ran around the living room in a circle with his wings out like an airplane. The boy would laugh as she tried without avail to wriggle from Jay's grasp on him. "Go, get dressed, I got this." He'd wink at his wife and she'd feel a little defeated as Jay tugged the shirt from Danny's head and blew a raspberry onto his stomach. "You don't want to get dressed? We'll see about that mister…" The little boy's laughs would drown out her husband's words as she rose from the floor to find respite in the bedroom. She'd sink onto the bed silent for a moment. Jay seemed so _natural_ at this. Almost born for it, if you asked her. She'd seen him with kids before, sure, but never in a capacity like this. It did something strange to her biological clock.

But her mind, as always, would step in with reminders of self-doubt and she'd find herself paralyzed with anxious thoughts. Jay would be an amazing father, without a doubt. But, what about her? Could she do this full time? Would she be any good at it? Would she be the kind of mom who woke her kids up on Saturday mornings for special breakfasts and Saturday morning cartoons like his had been? Or would she be more like Bunny, and fail them every time? She knew what kind of mother she'd want to be. But, _could_ she be? Wanting things for yourself and actually doing them weren't always aligned.

She'd shake the feelings of self doubt and try her best to silence the ticking of that biological clock that had been sent into overdrive by the morning's events because in addition to making her completely in love with the idea of Jay as a father; she was equally as wary of herself as a mom. She'd shake the serious weight of those ponderings from her shoulders when she felt her phone vibrate next to her. Hank's name flashing on the screen would be enough to draw her from the tizzy she was whipping herself into.

She answered the call quickly, bringing the phone to her ear. "Please tell me she's with you."

"Not quite." Would be the gruff response, her heart would sink. "We got a plate off the car she got into, did some more digging into this Brody character and let's just say, he's no stranger to being charged with domestics. In fact, six different women have pressed charges against him in the last four years." Hank's voice would be filled with disgust. "We got a hit off some plate readers on I-94, but after they took an exit onto some backroads after we'd crossed into Wisconsin, we lost the ability to track his plates. Al and I are still following up on some leads and now that we have more information on this punk, we have some ideas on where he might have taken her. Turns out; he grew up in Stoughton, Wisconsin. It's only about an 40 minutes east of where we lost him, so, we're heading there now. We're going to check in on his known associates, see if he's been in touch with any of them, I'll let you know more when I have more to tell." He'd indicate he was about to hang up but he'd speak suddenly, as if just remembering he wanted to ask his next question. "How's it going with Danny?"

"Fine," Erin would shrug even though she knew he wouldn't see it through the phone. "Jay made us all breakfast and we're going to head to the park a couple blocks from our apartment in a few, let him run around and burn off some of this constant stream of energy that never seems to run out." This would motivate her to start getting dressed quickly into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt of her own before lacing her feet into sneakers.

"Thanks kid, I knew I could count on you. Give him my love; okay?"

And with that, he'd hang up before she could ask the pressing question of her own. What was she supposed to tell Danny if he asked about Olive? They'd been able to distract him so far but, he was a curious kid and it was bound to come up. She'd resolve to deal with that when she actually needed to and then, moved back to rejoin the boys in the living room.

She'd be relieved to find it in total chaos. Blocks were everywhere as were crayons; as if someone had taken fistfuls of each of them and thrown them into the air like confetti. In fact, she was pretty sure that was exactly what had happened because Danny was doing the same thing with a handful of cards right now. "Whoa there mister, that is not how we play with toys." She'd warn, her voice soft and nurturing in a way she didn't even know she could intone. "And you need to be careful throwing things anyway because Uncle Jay as a boo boo on his leg."

Danny would look up at the taller man who was somehow perched on the floor, a task she knew wasn't easy for him given his current state. "A boo boo?" His tiny voice would ask, full of concern.

"Yes," Erin would affirm. "A very bad one, right here." She'd point to the spot on his leg that used to be adorned with metal bars and braces. "… so we need to be careful now help me clean up and we can go to the park…" She'd add gently. And she'd surprise even herself at how easily she'd found those words. Maybe Jay wasn't the only one with a paternal inclination here. Danny would adorably bend and press a sloppy kiss to the spot Erin had indicated on Jay's leg and it would absolutely melt them both.

Danny would help Erin clean up the toys and she'd help Jay struggle back to his feet and remind him not to sit on the floor like that again because it clearly didn't feel good. She'd been lecturing him about being careful when _the_ question had come from Danny's mouth.

"Where's mommy?" His curious little voice would stop them both and end the growing tension between them.

Erin would stop only a moment before drumming up an answer. "She and Grandpa Hank are looking for something, they'll be back later. But, until then…. we are going to go to the park! Does that sound fun?"

"YEAH!" He'd cheer, her distraction techniques working like a charm. "Him can push me on the swings." And with that, he'd sit down in front of Erin to let her put on his shoes.

They'd have a great time at the park. Erin fixed peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for them all and they'd gotten snacks and drinks at a corner store on the way. It was only a four block walk to the sunny little park but Danny had grown tired of walking after just the first block and to avoid the boy dissolving into a full blown tantrum, Jay had perched him on his shoulders and they'd walked, slow and steady, hand in hand in a slight vision of what their future might one day be. When they got to the park they'd take turns pushing him on the swings or watching him go up and down the slide about thirty times in a row. She'd chase him around for what felt like hours before he was tired and they stopped to sit on a bench and eat a makeshift picnic lunch. The jaunt to the park would exhaust them all and Danny would be asleep against Erin's chest as they made the short walk back to their apartment.

"You're _really_ good with him," Jay said gently as they rounded the corner of their block, indicating they'd be home in the next few minutes.

"So are you." She'd concede in return, casting her eyes over her sleeping nephew's head to find his. They'd find a beat of silence where neither spoke but they considered each other seriously, staring into one another.

When he'd studied her long enough to decide he was ready to give an honest verbalization to what he thought they'd been communicating silently. "I think I'm—" His confession would be cut short as her phone rang, vibrating against her back pocket.

She'd let out a frustrated sigh; she would've done anything to hear him finish that sentence. She'd find a way to bring it up later, if it was the last thing she did. "Can you get the phone? My hands are full."

Jay would dip his hand into her pocket gladly, letting his hand occupy the place her phone had just been. She'd give him a coy smile but make no attempt to move away. Her husband would move the phone to his own ear. "Hank, it's Jay. Danny's sleeping on her so, she didn't want to wake him…"

"I've got her!" Hank's voice was full of relief. "He put his hands on her but; Al is going to take to the hospital up here to get checked out while I _deal_ with Brody…" Jay's eyes would widen at his boss' admission and Erin would suck in a breath. She could hear her father figure's harsh loud voice even though the phone wasn't on speaker.

Erin would motion for Jay to swap places with her and he'd hand her the phone and take Danny carefully from her. She'd miss the slight warmness his snuggly body had given her as soon as he was gone from the place on her front where he'd taken up respite. "Hank…slow down. What are you going to—"

"Keep Danny for us, maybe another night. Olive is not in great shape I think the bastard dislocated her shoulder and she may have also fractured her arm. We're going to stay in Wisconsin for the night until this is taken care of."

"Hank!" She'd move away from Jay and the sleeping toddler so she could fully express her concern and not have it muddled by being told to him in a low whisper. "Listen; this is not the way. Rough him up a little, fine, he deserves it. But…. drop him off at a local precinct and let them handle this. If your name gets mixed up into a story about this going south, that's not good for Olive or Danny and you know it…" She tried to convince him but it felt useless as he responded simply.

"Yeah, I hear you kid. But, I've got this covered. You just; take care of Danny and when I know more, I'll let you know." The line would go dead after that and she'd turn back to Jay, frustrated.

She'd find that her quickened pace had led her to the stoop of their building and she'd only wait a few more seconds for Jay and the baby to join her. "Appears to have gone well," He'd tease, attempting humor to ease some of the tension wrought into her shoulders and face.

She pulled the door open and let him in before her and then followed him up the stairs. "He's a stubborn ass, as usual." She sighed. But, there was one good thing that came from this. They'd get to play house with Danny a little longer. And there was nothing she found sexier right now than Jay as a daddy, even if it was just a fantasy world she'd created in her mind. Today, the three of them had felt like a family. "Jay." She'd say gently, when he came back from laying Danny down to finish out his nap on the sheets that ornamented their guest bed. "I think I'm ready to… _try_." And she wouldn't need to say anything further or him to know what it was she meant.


	36. Chapter 36

Deciding you wanted to have a baby and actually getting pregnant didn't always go hand in hand. Reality TV shows had given her deceptively high false expectations about how this would go for them.

In fact, four months would pass since Olive had gone missing and they'd spent three days playing house. They'd _tried_ officially for the first time the night Hank had picked up his grandson from their apartment and they'd tried many more times since then; none of which would elicit any complaints from Jay because he was more than happy to satisfy even her most insatiable of needs; but scheduling sex and using basal thermometers to track ovulation was making this process much less ardent and much more like it was a test they would study for yet fail each time they took it.

It would get to her more than him; she'd automatically blame old bad habits for why she couldn't conceive and it had taken an awful lot of prompting by him to even get her to agree to go to this appointment at Med and meet with the OBGYN that Will had recommended to him because having a check up might give Erin the piece of mind she needed because as the old adage went; when you stopped trying so hard, it was more likely to happen for you.

Erin was tired of hearing that sentiment and she wasn't interested in sitting on the white paper that lined this examination table while she wore a thin hospital gown and would be examined and probed in ways that were already making her uncomfortable and the doctor hadn't even entered the room yet to go over the results of her blood draw. "Jay… the book said we shouldn't worry until at least six months of trying, maybe we should just go; they are going to think we are crazy people."

"We are crazy people." He's shrug and lean down to kiss her forehead softly. "But who cares about the time table of the book; we're just here to hear what the doc has to say and so that you can stop obsessing over this crazy fertility diet you've been on and the weird positions you've been prescribing us to try. Listen, I am more than down with exploring karma sutra as the art form it is but, you are kind of taking the joy out of it for me a little here…" He'd admit with a sigh, and his eyes would search hers, his words were meant to placate her, not make her feel bad.

He should've known they'd have the latter effect on her and she would almost glare as she looked at him then, "Sorry this is such an inconvenience for you—" She'd been about to make a really shitty remark about how maybe Abby would've given him a baby easier but she'd be saved from her own spitefully meaningless delivery of those words when the exam room door opened and Dr. Kara Stone entered the room.

The tension of the room would shift and they'd force jovial smiles to their face as she greeted them, "Hello Mr. & Mrs. Halstead!" She'd beam at them, and if she were being honest; the rest of the woman's words would be lost on Erin. She'd hear almost none of them and she'd be even more thankful now for the steady, thorough man who was hanging on the doc's every word as she gave them information on the blood tests they'd run. It was early, like she _knew_ it was so the doctor would, very patronizingly if you asked Erin, remind them of this more than once as she spoke to them about ovulation kits and other testing methods they could add in addition to the temping she was already doing every morning when she woke up. She'd actually feel more defeated when they left the hospital than she'd been when they showed up there this morning.

"Well, that was a colossal waste of a personal day." She'd complain as they stepped in the elevator to head down from the sixth floor and out to their car.

"Hey we have the entire afternoon to try whatever positions you have in mind that or going to work? I was reading that if you give your husband a bj first…. it increases the chances of pregnancy by like 200%." He'd attempt to lighten the mood and he'd brace himself for her reaction; would it be an eye roll and a laugh or would he have managed to make this bad situation worse.

She'd pause and consider how she wanted to react but she'd go with his first idea of how this might go and she'd give him a very exaggerated eye roll before a smile cracked on her lips. "You're an idiot. One who is buying me breakfast, by the way. And I am getting the pancakes with the bacon cooked into them AND bacon on the side; and you are not going to shame me about it." 

"Let's make it a double stack." He'd offer in concession, kissing her cheek as they got in the car.

Following that appointment; it would be two months of using an ovulation prediction kit, basal thermometer temperature tracking done religiously, and eating soup during her luteal phase because she'd read on a blog that it had worked for nearly EVERYONE who had tried I (and she was willing to try anything.) She'd start learning about foods with beta-carotenes; a word she hadn't even heard of before starting this process. But, all of it would pay off because one particularly warm and muggy morning; she'd get the plus sign they'd waited _so_ long for.

"JAY!" Her voice was manic as she shouted for him because in the first few months of trying he'd sat with her for every test and held her hand but in the last two she'd just felt like it was more pressure and more disappointment when it was inevitably negative, so she'd requested to do it in private and though it had killed him a little, he'd honored her request.

He'd come flying in from the kitchen where he'd been making coffee and he'd look at her standing there in disbelief, clutching the test that she'd force into his chest as shock was written into her face. "It's positive." She'd whisper and she _still_ didn't believe it so she'd wait for him to look at it and when tears sprung in his eyes they'd come to hers too then they were hugging each other silently for a long time.

A doctor's appointment the next day would have a urine and blood test she'd insisted they give her to confirm she was actually pregnant. The results of the blood work would show that she was only four weeks along. After the physical and pelvic exams, they'd name drop Will and convince the technician to use a Doppler so they could hear the baby's heartbeat. It would be beautifully profound for both of them.

The blissfulness of the appointment would be marred slightly when they'd asked for personal and family medical histories and she'd be forced to confront some of her demons there on the spot. But; as she'd learned, she could do through anything with him at her side; and she'd survive it.

Twelve weeks is the "safety zone." That's what the book that had become her bible the past few weeks had said and they'd both agreed not to tell anyone about it until then; even Hank. Only Will would be privy to the information because he'd become Erin's personal on-call doctor for all her needs; even though he wasn't even an actual OB.

She would be eight weeks when the darkest darkness to ever consume her would show up and permanently blacken a part of her that would never again become aglow with light no matter what happened.

It was supposed to be a great day. Their first ultra sound that would have them hearing the baby's heartbeat again and this time they'd have a picture to go with it and Erin was planning to use that Halstead name in their favor again because she wanted as many pictures as possible even if all they'd look like would be a small mass of cells. But when the tech had waved the wand over her belly and they hadn't heard _anything_ , Erin would grow worried. The sack displayed on the screen sat motionless. There were no flutters like she'd read in her book. She knew something was wrong. Her suspicions would be further confirmed when the young Asian nurse who'd squeezed the blue gel on her belly had excused herself without saying anything; Erin would immediately start to cry. Because she didn't need to speak to tell her the truth; she'd known from the look on the other woman's face.

Any shred of hope she'd been holding on to would completely leave her when Dr. Stone walked in. "Erin," she breathy way in which she'd delivered her name would cause her to break.

"No, please don't say it…" She's whisper tearfully and Jay's strong arms would wrap around her shoulders and pull her against him, for the sake of his own comfort as well as hers.

"There is a possibility that you may not be as far along as we thought originally so we're going to do another blood draw, see where your hCG levels are and go from there."

She'd be numb as they drew her blood and this was the kind of test that took some time and usually they'd send you home and call in the morning with the results, but she wouldn't be able to wait so when Dr. Stone had given them a moment alone, instead of dissolving into sobs, she'd swallow the ones that had been racking her chest, and she would beg Jay to call Will because there had to be a way to expedite this process. "We have to _know_. I can't leave here not knowing."

Jay would force himself to stay strong and steady because he knew if he broke it was all over and it wasn't his turn right now to be sad; that would come later. He needed to be strong, "Sweetheart," he's whisper, trying to hug her but she'd refuse the comfort and voice her demand again.

" _Please_ , call Will."

And he would, because he'd do anything for her. And it would work, Will would get a rush put on the labs and they'd sit silently in the on-call room for two hours while they waited for the excruciating results.

Dr. Stone would bring them into her office to deliver the confirmation that they were both really hoping might not actually come. "Your hCG levels should be doubling but they seem to be stagnant. I'm _so sorry_ Erin and you have to understand that these things happen all the time and there is nothing you did wrong or could've done differently…." But As Erin tended to do; she'd start to tune the woman out because it was all too much. Her hands would come almost unconsciously to rest on her abdomen and then the sobs she'd been doing so well fighting back would come all at once and interrupt the doctor's speech and Jay would look at her with his own tear-filled eyes because he couldn't fix this with words or kisses or anything at all.

Her hands would come to cover her face and each time Jay reached for her she'd shake him off and just keep crying uncontrollably until Dr. Stone had excused herself from the room to give them some privacy and Erin some time to gather herself together before she explained how they might proceed next.

"Babe, please…." He'd beg, because each time she'd recoil away from him would feel like a stab to his heart because he was hurting too right now; it wasn't just her. He needed the comfort of his arms around her just as much as she did but wanted to deny.

He'd come down to his knees and find a place in front of her to lean upon them and his hands would rest first on her own knees before he'd chance sliding them up her thighs until they found her hands and tucked themselves into them. His thumbs would brush the backs of her hands in soothing patterns like windshield wipers. "Sweetheart," He'd say again, his voice almost inaudible, but it would be enough to have her bloodshot eyes look up from her lap and at him finally.

"I'm so sorry," She'd whisper and then her hands would grab fistfuls of his t-shirt and she'd draw him towards her until they were both standing.

"Shhh," He'd say because there was nothing to apologize for and they both knew that. But they both also knew that she'd shoulder this burden completely alone if it were up to her so he'd have to fight hard _every_ single day to make sure she didn't.

He'd hold her silently after that because there was _nothing_ he would ever be able to articulate with words to make her feel better about this; not ever. He wouldn't patronize her with any pearls of wisdom, offerings of comfort or admonishments that this would be okay because it wouldn't ever be okay; not for him either.

" _I don't ever want to try again_." She'd said as they were leaving the hospital. Dr. Stone had returned after Jay had managed to get her together enough to at least sit silently and _listen_ to the woman explain her options. Each one would make her sick to her stomach and she'd just look at Jay with the saddest most destroyed eyes he'd ever seen and he'd know that she needed him to take care of all of this now so he'd gotten the prescription for the pill that she'd need to take if nature hadn't run its course in three days time. They were supposed to hear the heartbeat today but all they'd leave that building with would be memories of heartbreak.

For the first three days; nothing was okay. Jay had told Hank quietly in his office the morning after he'd spent the entire night holding her as she went through the most profoundly terribly experience he'd ever have to witness another person endure. He'd love her more for it though; and she him. She would make him promise to never speak of that night to her. Or of any of the hopes, dreams, or _names_ they'd discussed in the four weeks they'd known and let themselves fall in love with the idea of their future as a family of three.

That quiet morning, when he'd arrived at the district at 5 AM to speak to Hank, hoping to make it back before she'd noticed he'd gone, he would tell the man all of that and for the first time since they'd found out their dreams had ended so cruelly; he would let himself sob. He hadn't intended for it to happen in front of Hank. But, he'd be surprised when, as he sat there bawling in that uncomfortable chair across from Hank's desk, the older man would come around to sit next to him and place a strong, supportive hand on his shoulders while he let it all out. Jay couldn't have told you what Hank had said even as he was walking out of the district five minutes afterwards but whatever it was had reminded him to have hope and that no matter what, he'd have to be strong for Erin.

And he would be strong and steady for her, for two months. Even if it had taken her too many days before she'd let him kiss or really even touch her. And it would be _weeks_ before she'd let him hold her while they slept. She'd forcibly chosen to deprive herself of those comforts because she felt undeserving of them. She'd failed their baby, she'd failed their dreams, she'd failed him; she'd failed herself. She didn't want to feel better. Even though their were sometimes seconds of her day when she'd find reprieve from the blackness that had coated every inch of her heart right now, she'd feel guilty for allowing herself to be alright even for moments that hadn't lasted even half of a minute in length. But _any_ time she'd see a pregnant woman at a place they'd stopped for lunch or if the victims of a case had been kids or had kids of their own she'd find that darkness spreading across more of her.

She was nearly unrecognizable when he'd finally broken. Since they'd vowed long ago not to drink when they were depressed and this was a sadness she'd never known, she'd had to find another way to channel her grief and much like she had those months ago at his urgings; she'd find comfort in going to the gym.

She'd always been fit, but she'd wake up at 4 AM, use the key Antonio had given her to let herself in to the gym with total privacy and run until her feet were numb or she'd run out of breath from dissolving into sobs. She'd forbidden Jay from going with her because she wanted to run herself ragged and abuse her exhaustion to the point of causing herself pain because it was the torture she deserved for what she'd put them through, at least in her mind.

She was more frail now than she ever used to be; black circles would be a permanent fixture under her eyes and she'd grow increasingly more adept ad hiding them with make up. She'd eat sometimes but preferred to survive off coffee and the occasional piece of toast with peanut butter that he'd practically beg her to eat and he'd look so sad when he did that she'd cave.

She was stuck in a cyclical loop; wake up, work out, go to work, come home and stew in mental anguish until sleep finally found her and she'd drift off until the cycle started gain. Bless his heart, Jay had tried _everything_ he could to make her feel—not even better but to just feel _anything_ that wasn't terrible dark sadness. "Let's go to dinner… you could wear that—"

"No." She'd say quickly, nestled up on the couch with a mug of hot green tea and a blanket draped over her lap. She'd been "reading" the book in her hands for an hour but hadn't actually turned any of the pages.

"Babe, please." He'd say with pleading eyes and his hand would come to cover the pages of the book that were splayed open in her hands and he'd lower it down into her lap. "I _miss_ you." He'd say and when his eyes found hers she'd open her mouth to tell him that was a silly thing to say because they saw each other all the time but she wouldn't do him the disservice of pretending she didn't know what he meant.

"I do, too." She said. And she didn't mean she missed him; she'd meant that she missed herself. Because she did. He wasn't the only one who'd noticed she was just a strange reflection of her former self now. He was afraid he was losing her entirely and his worries weren't unfounded because truthfully, she felt them herself.

"I love you so much, _wife_." He'd say that word and it would unravel him because of how much weight it always held when he'd first been able to call her that and how even now after months together and heartache like they'd never known before, it would still give him butterflies to call her that.

It would be his turn to fall apart and she'd move the book out of her lap just in time for his face to crash into it and he'd cry again like he'd done in Hank's office but this time, it would be her who stepped up to be there. Her hands would come to his back soothingly and it would actually give her reprieve from her own anguished grief to help him shoulder his. A grief he'd kept silent all these months for her sake; she'd realize then. Well, that was a lie. She'd seen him swallow this down every time she'd broken down herself and she'd selfishly let him because this had happened to her body and she'd felt the physical pain of it so he had been more than accepting of the fact that he had no right to be just as upset as she was. But she'd been wrong to let him feel that; she'd been incredibly selfish. The baby they'd lost had been just as much his as it was hers and even though it had been her belly that life had ceased to keep growing in; he'd felt the same insurmountable loss as her. She'd let them both overlook that fact for far too long and she would be completely ashamed of not just how she'd conducted herself in the last two months; but of how she'd let herself treat him and get away with it. " _Husband_ ," She'd whisper quietly as her hands rubbed up and down his back soothingly, willing his body to stop shaking with sobs. "Just let it out." She'd add with an even lower decibel whispered rasp.

And he would. He'd let out every single bit of the terribly dark mentally exhausting sadness that had plagued him since that fateful day in the ultra sound room. It was her turn to be strong for him and eventually she'd sunken down to the floor so she could gather him between her legs and wrap her arms around him so he could rest against her in a position that was usually reversed. It would be more than an hour of her holding him before the tears would finally stop and when he leaned back looking embarrassed she did the only thing she could think of to tell him he didn't need to be; and she'd pulled him in for a kiss much deeper than the chaste ones she'd allowed him to bestow upon her lips these past few weeks.

The kiss would escalate quickly and their shirts would each be removed hurriedly because even if her mind hadn't wanted this type of relief for the past couple months; both of their bodies had still craved it. He'd break their kiss and push her away slightly so he could look at her to make sure she really wanted and was ready for this. She'd nod her head and then return her lips to his in confirmation that it was exactly what she wanted. It was what they both needed, they'd find. And she'd practically jump into his arms so he could carry her down the hall as they kissed and more clothes would become scattered like bread crumbs down the hallway that led to their bed.

This lovemaking was quiet and intense; eyes stayed open nearly the entire time. Hands grasped the other's as tears came for them both. But as they each reached their respective pinnacles of pleasure at the same time, she'd collapse against his chest in a huff. She would stay completely wrapped up in him even after she fell asleep and the next morning, things felt different between the, in the best possible way.

After that, he'd start to hear her laugh again. Her dimples would reappear, no longer made scarce by all-consuming sadness. She'd even wake up before him and go out to the little bakery on the corner to get them breakfast some mornings. And on this particular morning, five weeks after they'd made such passionate and perfect love for the first time in forever; she'd climbed into the shower with him before work and let him press her ardently against the wall until she was quivering against him with spasms of pleasure. It would make her wobbly and light-headed all the sudden and she'd get a sick look on her face before suddenly pulling back the curtain, leaping out of the shower, and sinking her still wet knees to the floor in front of the toilet to expel the contents of her stomach into it.

"Well, I don't think that has ever been the result of an orgasm, but… I feel like it is actually sort of an accomplishment—" He'd begin as she stood there in front of the bathroom sink staring at her reflection contemplatively.

"Shut up." She'd warned because as she'd brushed her teeth to remove the terrible taste her vomit ad just left there she'd been doing some math and she was moments away from a total freak out. "I need water…" She'd say suddenly and then he was following her to the kitchen and watching her chug glass after glass out of her massive Yeti cup until he'd decided she'd gone fully crazy and it was now his duty to intervene.

"Babe… let's take a second okay? What are we—"

"Five weeks ago… you made the most wonderfully honest and compassionate love to me and… I…. don't _think_ I've had my period since."

The weight of that statement would silence them both.


	37. Chapter 37

She'd send him to the store for more tests; instructing him to get at least six of different brands because for some reason that mattered in her mind. That request would have him stopping at two stores and he'd hear his heartbeat in his ears the whole time he completed this task. Because, as strong as he was going to present himself to be; he was just as full of anxiety and worry as she had been since she'd made that heavy weighing announcement earlier that morning.

Of course he still wanted a family with her. When she lost the baby, it wasn't just her who had been consumed with inconsolable grief. He'd just done a really good job, for the most part, of finding a way to wrap it up into a nice tidy package and shove it down with all the other terribly dark memories of experiences that had left deep cuts in soul. None of those horrific memories; not even the ones from Afghanistan he'd shoved down so deep they seemed to have happened to someone else who wasn't even him; could compare to how this experience had marred him. Because it wasn't just their baby that he'd lost that day; it was _her_ too, at least parts of her, for a while there.

These thoughts would plague him as he walked down the aisle marked "family planning" and his eyes would move past the boxes of condoms and ovulation kits to the row of neatly lined up pink, purple, and white boxes he remembered feeling excited to buy when they'd first started this whole process. Now, they just seemed like one more way to twist the knife that had created the gaping wound in both of their hearts.

For the first time since she'd been late all those months ago now; before they were even husband and wife, he wasn't sure what he wanted these tests to say after the took them. It was a concern she'd both share and vocalize as soon as he'd walked back into the apartment to find her curled up into the nook of the couch, arms wrapped around her legs as she sat there in a somewhat stunned, anxiety ridden silence. Her eyes were closed when he walked up and she'd been doing those long, deep inhales and exhales that Dr. Charles had armed her with to combat her panic attacks. Those distressed eyes wouldn't open until her first confession was trailing off; "I don't know what I want these tests to show because… we wanted this so badly and some part of me still really does but; I just…." Her eyes would well with tears as they blinked open to look into his also watering ones.

His voice would crack as he finished her statement for her, because he knew exactly what sentiment she'd been about to express, "Can't even bare the thought of going through what we went through the first time ever again?" He'd ask quietly and as she nodded the tears would come again and he would drop the bag of tests on the coffee table before he was sinking down next to her on the couch to draw her against him. "We can survive anything, baby." He'd whisper tearfully into her still wet hair that she'd tied up into a messy bun to keep it out of her face.

She'd be thankful that early morning shower sex had delayed her first pee of the day, which was supposed to have the highest presence of pregnancy hormones that would indicate positive or negative. She'd had enough water when he was gone to fill her bladder twice and soon enough they'd shared a sweet kiss and he'd helped her off the couch and down the hall to their master bathroom.

There were no secrets between them anymore; no more pretenses of modesty needed to exist, so he'd be right there with her as she sat down on cold porcelain and he'd hand her four different test sticks that he'd recap once they were returned to him and then he would set a timer on his phone for three minutes that would, just like it had the first time they'd done this together, last a lifetime.

"Don't show me just tell me. Look at them all first, then just say it." She'd request as the silence would be broken once again by the fast paced beeping nose that would signal time was up; fate was sealed, so to speak. "Is… is that okay?" She'd amend her demand because she had reminded herself when he was gone that this wasn't just happening to _her_ it was happening to _them_ and she'd be damned if she was so selfish again to force his feelings on the back burner. How he felt, what he was going through; it was just as important and mattered just as much. In some ways, he mattered more simply because without him she'd have never survived losing their baby and there was no person in the entire universe that she would want to be with her right now; facing whatever their future was about to hold. Somehow; the intense look in her eyes would communicate that to him.

He'd nod gently and lean in to kiss her forehead and then his lips would drop to hers and he'd whisper, "I love you; more than anything," Before pressing a kiss to those soft pillows, and her hands would come lovingly to his face because she felt the _exact same_ way and those words would bring her just the slightest relief as they seemed to wrap around her like a hug.

"I'm here for you too, this time. I promise." She'd whisper and then his hand was moving to grab the first test and she imagined for a moment what sort of sad music might be playing in the background of this moment if it were a scene from a movie instead of their real life. Because truly, she knew she'd feel an immense sadness no matter what these tests would come to reveal to them now. Just the idea of being pregnant had brought to surface the terrible feelings of loss and grief she'd been fighting so hard to work through for weeks. She'd only just now started to be herself again, to enjoy sex and initiate it from him again more than just at the times they'd had highly emotional conversations and it had seemed like the only balm to their souls at the time. They'd found some of their playfulness again; as evidenced by that morning's quick yet satisfying round in the shower that had been steamy in more ways than one.

 _He'd been showering alone and she'd nearly given him a heart attack when she got in because he'd been playing music to help wake him up and she'd been at the gym when he'd gotten in. "If we're both going to be on time we need to share," She'd said when she'd climbed in and he'd been startled by her voice._

" _Erin!" He'd gasped, his hand coming to his chest, where his heart beat more rapidly from being caught off guard._

" _I didn't mean to scare you!" She'd giggle apologetically, but he'd be surprised when she'd moved to close the space between them and brought his hand between her legs. "Maybe I can… make it up to you." She'd grinned and then her teeth were tugging at his earlobe before she'd whispered; "Husband… fuck my brains out" in a low growl and he'd move her against the wall with a groan of his own to do just that._

She wasn't ready to let go of that part of her now that she'd gotten it back. That _okay_ part that could be with her husband and feel pleasure again for the first time. Was she about to go through this all again only to have it end in the same tragic, traumatic way? That unknown would plague her before he'd gotten here with the tests but even more now that she was so close to finding out if she was even on the path to having to deal with such a loss again.

Her eyes would squeeze shut and she'd try to do that even breathing technique but it would fail her now and the ones she drew in were shallow and ragged and the ones she let out were audibly loud and shaky. She'd hear him swallow the knot in his throat before he spoke and she'd hone in immediately on the slight quiver in his voice as he gave her the answer that some how, she'd already known. "They're positive." The whispered truth would be spoken so quietly that it would seem to take extra time to get to her ears. Before even _any_ small part of her could feel happy about that news; news she'd wanted to hear so many times when she'd peed on test sticks in the past; the darkness would come.

" _Nooooo_..." It would come out almost as a wail, so guttural it was almost a war cry. It was almost ironic how that tired sentiment so many people had expressed to her had come true; once you stopped trying so hard it happened.

Only it wasn't just that they'd stopped trying; she didn't want it anymore and she'd insured they'd taken measures to prevent it from happening almost every time. She knew there was no way she survived the heartbreak of losing another baby. Even though she knew that her love for Jay could endure even the darkest darkness imaginable; she knew her heart would never hold up under another loss. There was so little of her left now, if another piece was taken away, she would cease to exist. Even though she'd be there physically; mentally, she feared for where she might go off to and never return from.

His arms around wrap around her after she'd slid down to the floor in a heap and he'd try holding her with strong, steady arms but she'd sob into his chest and then pull herself back to look at him. "Don't hold yourself together for me." She whispered, her arms coming to wrap around his shoulders. "Feel all of it with me—facing this together is the _only_ way we survive." She'd whisper as her eyes studied his and her permission would have the tears flowing from him now too and she drew him against her, her arms wrapping tightly around his shoulders as his mimicked the same arrangement around her waist.

And together; they'd feel _every_ single thing. Sadness, fear, anger, grief, a myriad of emotions that would some how lead them to a final one; hope. It would surprise them both that the first glimpse of reassurance would come from her, "It could be different this time," She'd say quietly when her shoulders had finally stopped shaking with sobs and her forehead stopped resting on his chest as she'd leaned back to sit on her heels while she knelt in front of him. She'd taken his hands into hers before she'd spoken and he'd see another small part of her return. The fact that she'd had even the tiny amount of hope to say those words would inspire him greatly.

"It will be." He agreed, and the confidence with which he said it would have her almost believing it just that much more.

They would be late to work as it was and the earliest they could fit in an appointment with Dr. Stone was tomorrow morning and since she had been through everything with them last time, she was the only person Erin would trust to handle any of this now. She didn't want to have to explain to sordid tale of their unexpected loss to some new doctor. She didn't even want Will to know this time. It had been too hard to see the looks of regret and consolation on his face when she'd first seen him after the miscarriage. It would make her glad she'd never told anyone else about the baby. She would never want to experience sharing happy news; only to have to retract it weeks later when you were supposed to have more good news. She'd also be glad over the fact that Hank, probably to keep himself from falling apart over it, had never forced her to talk about it or offered her any comfort that would've just sent her further down the rabbit hole. They'd shared one long, steady look that had communicated everything he needed to say and she was happy he hadn't hugged her because she would have most certainly fallen apart for good if he had.

So, Jay and Erin would both take a vow of silence and she'd make up an excuse about having bad thrown out her back as an reason to stay chained to her desk for the day. Hank would partner Jay with Atwater because of it and it would pain him to leave her here. It would be good for Erin though, because she'd be left there alone for most of the day to think and process through her feelings so that when they were finally heading home together at the end of the day; she knew _exactly_ what she wanted to say to him.

Those words would gnaw at her the entire ride home and he'd ask her twice if she was all right because she'd squirmed and shifted so much in her chair on the ride home. She'd assured him she was fine, just had a lot on her mind; because that _was_ true. But, she also knew that this was a conversation she wanted to have in the comforts of the home they'd built together, where she could look him in the eyes.

He'd be sitting on the couch with is shoes off when she'd reemerged from their bedroom where she'd just changed out of work clothes and into a pair of charcoal colored leggings and one the many of his t-shirts that she'd _borrowed_ and turned into her own over the last year and change. "I took the last two tests at work. I know it's stupid and crazy because there is almost no chance that it would change but… I guess it was like a way of keeping my mind rooted in the fact that this was a reality…. it helped me process it." She nodded and swallowed hard as she stood in front of him and his hands had risen to tug at hers, to get her to sit, but she'd shake her head and remain standing, and she'd take her hand not entwined with his and roll up that shirt so that the bottom of her still flat stomach and she'd take his other hand into hers and then bring both of his to rest on newly exposed skin. "It's real." She said softly. "And we can be happy for a moment, okay. Because even if it gets taken away again; this is something to celebrate. Even if it is only for a little while." Her eyes would well with tears and he'd move from where he'd been sitting on the couch to kneel in front of her and his hands would move towards her hips but this thumbs would still rest on the soft skin that peaked over the tops of the blue shorts she wore. His lips would join his thumbs there and he'd press the softest kisses to her stomach before he was rising to stand. He'd bring his hands up to her face and cup it; kissing her gently until it was her who would part his lips with her tongue and kiss him more deeply.

"Of course it is," He'd whisper against her mouth before kissing her for a few more moments and then drawing her in for a hug that would find him lifting her feet off the ground.

She'd only allow them about five minutes of that soft celebration before she was bringing it to an end with sobering words. "Okay, times up. We can be happy again when we hear a heartbeat."

They would both be in a better place than expected when they went to meet with Dr. Stone the next morning for her first available appointment of the day that had conveniently seen a cancellation the day before. Under the surface, Erin was still a nervous wreck but since they'd shared those precious few moments together the night before, the little bit of hope they'd allowed in had grown larger and as she clutched his hand sitting there on the table, she was able to keep herself calm and collected because of it.

"Erin," Dr. Stone's voice would give her an odd sense of reassurance because the last time she'd heard it, it had been filled with remorse and regret for what she'd had to tell them. Today, it was more hopeful. "It looks like you are about five weeks along…" Erin nodded because that was what she'd already worked out as well. It had been the only time that it could've happened, if their use of birth control methods thereafter had been more stringent. That compassionate and unexpected round of lovemaking was the last time (before yesterday morning's unexpected foray in the shower) that they'd had unprotected sex. When she'd said she never wanted to try again; she'd meant it. For the first time since she'd declared that she couldn't stand them using them, sex would only happen if condoms were in stock. Even then, it was infrequent.

"That's what I thought," She'd begin, and then she'd launch into the next series of words quickly and seemingly without taking a breath. "I am freaking out." She'd admit. "So, last night I couldn't sleep and I did that stupid thing where you google something that you really shouldn't like 'baby after miscarriage' and then I got lost down the rabbit hole of stories and message boards and blogs for like three hours. But, it was very educational; to say the least. So, anyway, I was _thinking;_ after everything I read and combed through last night, I think I have a plan of attack. I'd like to come in for a blood draw on Monday and then for a beta hCG on Tuesday to make sure it's in range. Then, if what I was reading last night is correct, I'll need to come in for another one 48 hours later. Oh… and isn't there some sort of test you can do to check the progesterone levels? I mean, turn me in to a pin cushion if you have to; I want all the tests possible."

Her late night reading frenzy was news to him, it must've occurred when he was fast asleep, next to her but he couldn't help but smile at her thoroughness because it was the same way she attacked any case they'd ever worked. "Breathe." He's whisper into her hair and the reminder would have her drawing in air slowly in that practiced way meant to relieve some of her stress.

"Well, we can certainly arrange some or all of that before you leave, but let's take a minute here and process the right now. I think it's important for me to remind you that having a miscarriage does not make you more susceptible to having another one."

"Oh, I know. I read about it, I think that it's like… 85% of women have a successful pregnancy after miscarriage. But… that isn't 100%. And I have always been a person with the odds stacked against them so, I'm not ready to celebrate yet."

"Odds are odds, Erin. You have to take them with a grain of salt because every person, and every pregnancy is different. Statistics fluctuate and change on a case by case basis; especially in the medical world. But you are a healthy, fit, active woman, Erin. We can monitor your pregnancy carefully, to give you piece of mind. If you're interested, there are support groups and counselors we can set you up with…"

"No, I have Jay, I'm fine." She said gently.

Dr. Stone would offer her a softer smile now, "I meant for him as well. For both of or either of you, really. This experience is going to feel bittersweet, because it will stir up all sorts of memories and feelings about the loss you experienced but you are also going to want to celebrate the happiness—" 

"Well, we'll wait until eight weeks when we can get the first ultra sound before we celebrate anything; unless you think it's better to wait until ten to get a clearer heartbeat?" She'd ask the doctor and for some reason, speaking so matter-of-factly about all of this made it easier to process for her. To explain herself, she'd add, "I read that there's mixed reviews on when is the best time for the first ultrasound."

"We'll schedule the blood draw you asked for on Monday and the battery of hCG tests. After we get the levels off that and see how things go, we will schedule your first ultra sound for 8/9 weeks, I think we both know that is going to be the piece of mind you need earlier rather than later. Then, we go from there. We take everything one day at a time. And, you can reach someone on the on call number we gave you any time you want with any questions or concerns you have, no matter how trivial they are because that's why we are here. Along with Jay, we as your medical team are here to be your biggest support system and help you through this." This would have Erin feeling overly sentimental and because of this; she'd draw Dr. Stone in for a hug before they left.

She'd make Jay swear to keep this from Hank until they'd reached at least the twelve-week mark. She'd taken herself out of the action by telling Hank that her head was still in a bad place after the miscarriage and for some reason she was struggling with it really bad right now and she didn't feel like she was in the right place to be going in on raids and putting herself in any sort of high-action, high-risk situations when she was in such an abysmally sad headspace. He'd understood and hadn't questioned it further. Her doctor's visits for lab work would be masked as trips to see Dr. Charles to work through her pain. Truthfully, she should've found the time to actually fit appointments like that in, but Jay would prove enough to keep her together through all of this; and she'd do the same for him.

That next week would be an important one. When the blood work, along with the hCG and progesterone testing results she'd requested had all come back at normal ranges, she'd relax slightly. These were good signs, as were the less than wonderful symptoms that plagued many women during their first trimester that had found her now, unlike her last time, when she'd had almost none of them.

By seven weeks pregnant, she'd be finding it hard to mask the fact that smells were extremely sensitive to her and the faintest one had been eliciting a vomiting response from her lately. For the first time in her life; she'd be more than happy to pray to the porcelain god because it meant things were growing and developing like they should. Her first pregnancy had been almost completely devoid of morning sickness. Having it now made her feel more positive, because if things felt different then maybe they _were,_ just as she'd tried to convince them both after they'd just found out; and he'd played along and agreed.

She'd keep a constant stock of gum in her desk for a quick breath freshener and Jay had read about how smelling salts and essential oils could help with this stuff and he'd ordered all sorts of concoctions off Amazon to try and make this process more manageable. He'd even put a Himalayan salt lamp at her desk, but that's where she'd draw the line on trying out his crazy suggestions. Smelling a concoction of the sea salt and lavender oil mixture he'd gotten and made for her had been working wonders for her lately.

By the time she was laying on the table for her ultrasound at eight and half weeks, her stomach was protruding out ever so slightly, more so when she ate, and she'd taken to wearing looser fighting, baggy tops to work to conceal it. She'd be sitting with her knees drawn up on the table, one such top folded up to reveal her stomach and her starting to get tight jeans were unbuttoned and folded down to give the ultrasound tech access to her stomach.

The gel would be applied and it gave her a shiver, not just because it was cold, but because of the memories of last time they'd been in this exact room and how that had turned out. Jay was holding her hand and looking at the screen even as her head was angled away from it. She'd wait for Dr. Stone to come and explain things before she'd let herself look or listen to anything.

"Alright so!" Erin's eyes would open when Dr. Stone walked in and made her presence known with those words. "Everything is looking great!" She'd say jovially and that additional statement would turn Erin's head towards the screen." The doc's manicured finger would come to point at the screen. "This flutter is the heartbeat, but hang on and we can add in a soundtrack." She'd move the wand over the belly and adjust some things on the screen and then the sound; strong and steady would fill the room thanks to the help of the technician. "Listen to that mama, sounds so sweet, right? That is your baby's very strong, healthy heartbeat." She'd said and Erin would feel tears in her eyes as Jay squeezed her hand tightly. "Let's see…heart rate is 170, which is good. Probably a little higher right because baby's heart rate tends to match with yours and right now is an excitable time." She'd smile at Erin as she turned her head to look at Jay who she'd find was crying a very steady stream of silent tears. She'd reach for his face and bring him down for a kiss.

"I love you," She'd whispered against his ear before Dr. Stone continued to move the want around and show them _their baby_. Their still alive, still growing and thriving, still healthy baby.

"Here we have the baby's hand… very hard to see right now but that is definitely an arm; or at least what it is going to be an arm, the limbs aren't exactly developed yet." The doctor would note. "Looks like you are measuring at…. 8 weeks 4 days, like we thought and baby here is measuring just under an inch, 28.7 millimeters!" Dr. Stone would interrupt herself then, as the picture on the screen shifted to a better view; "Ah… here we go, now you show us your head!" She'd say once the angle on the monitor shifted and the vague outline of a head and maybe an arm would appear on the screen before the shapes would morph again into an unrecognizable blob.

They'd leave with three photos that would probably look like nothing to anyone who wasn't them. But to the Jay and Erin; those photos would be the most beautiful works of art. And as they walked out of the women's center hand in hand Erin would stop, turn and draw herself flush against him "Okay," She'd start, pressing her lips to his emphatically. "Five more minutes of happiness…." She'd say, brandishing the photos.

"Ten this time." He'd plead, his eyes searching hers for permission.

She'd nod her head and let out what could only be described as a gleeful squeal. "There's a baby in here." She'd giggle, placing his and on her slightly swollen stomach and then her own hand on top of his. "Little Halstead, do you know how amazing your daddy is? He is the strongest man you'll ever know. And he's very, very handsome, by the way." She'd giggle gently and then his lips would find hers and they'd share a series of tearful and romantic kisses before finishing their walk to the car with a renewed sense of that hope that had grown bigger than both of them now.


	38. Chapter 38

"Holy shit;" Erin cursed loudly after she'd switched on the light after padding into the bathroom. It was two weeks since their eight week appointment had been a success and the closer they drew to the safety zone; the _less_ relaxed she'd been. It felt as though if she let herself enjoy this even a little; it would suddenly be taken away again.

Her cursing would rouse Jay from bed, even though it was only four thirty in the morning and they both had plenty of time to catch more sleep before needing to get up and get ready for work. She drank so much water lately that her waking up to pee seemed to be scheduled like clockwork and every time she did so, he'd feel her leave his side or a slight shift on the bed to let him know she was gone and it would have him awake instantly as well. Luckily, he was usually able to fall back to sleep as soon as she returned. But, hearing her utterance had worked him up before he even knew what he was going to walk into and he practically came flying into the bathroom to find her at the sink. "Are you okay? What happened? Are you bleeding?" He'd ask, her back was too him but he'd very promptly found his hands on his shoulders to turn her away and triage whatever had prompted those words to leave her mouth.

"Babe! It's okay!" She'd say quickly, her calm eyes finding his own to make sure he understood there was no cause for panic, they'd even be accompanied by a soft laugh to express the light nature of the situation. "I'm sorry, it's just… my belly…." She giggled gently and turned slightly to the side to show him what had caused her to curse. Her stomach protruded out much more than it had been even hours before and the sight of it had shocked her. "The books all say it will fluctuate but holy crap! Look at it." She turned her head to the mirror and drew her shirt up which allowed a better look at her newly pronounced bump. Still relatively small and unimpressive in nature, on her normally fit, taut frame it looked drastically obvious.

Jay took in her appearance with an open mouth until a smile was tugging at the corners of his lips. He'd been more inclined to be happy and positive since that eight weeks ultrasound. He'd tried to have it infect her too, but his efforts had been rather fruitless and he'd known better than to push her on the issue. Even though this was a shared experience they were facing together, he still couldn't even come close to imagining or even beginning to understand how terrifying and anxiety inducing this all was for her. He had to hand it to her though; she'd been handling all of this really well and she hadn't shut him out of any of her thoughts, feelings, or struggles. The past few weeks had them feeling closer than ever and they would never have even thought it was possible they could grow to love and respect each other more than they already had. "Well, would you look at that, I think there's a baby in there." He'd said, stepping closer to her to bring his hand up to place it on her belly; a move that would have the smiles on each of their faces growing.

She'd let them have this moment before squashing it with her usual anxiety induced panic and her hand came to rest on his. "Pretty undeniably so right now, right?" The warmness of her words would coat them both as she leaned up to press a kiss to his lips. But even as she'd let herself get lost into this sliver of happiness, her worry would seep in and find her pulling back. "Oh, fuck… how am I going to cover this up at work?" The happy moment would be stunted by apprehension and she'd disappear towards the closet.

"Babe! It's not even five am, we'll find you a shirt when we get up and get ready, don't worry about that right now, lets get a little more sleep, you need it." He'd urge, walking behind her and moving to catch her hand in his so he could tug her back.

"Jay it could take hours for me to find something that works; you go back to bed, I'll join you in a minute." She noted, but then she'd realized she'd never peed like she'd originally intended upon getting up and she moved back to the bathroom where he would follow her.

"Wife, beautiful angel of mine, my reason for living and breathing" He'd begin. "My baby," He'd stand in the doorway of the bathroom as he addressed her. "I hate to tell you but I think the team have all figured it out." He'd said gently. "I mean… the other day you literally puked into your desk drawer and you have used the food poisoning excuse one too many times."

"They have not." She'd snapped. "Ruzek probably still thinks storks deliver babies and Atwater doesn't pay attention to these things. Kim is constantly commenting on my amazing body and how she wants me to train her, so I don't think she'd got a clue. You know, not everyone at work watches my every move as obsessively as you." She'd say pointedly, her finger coming to poke at his pectoral muscle emphatically. "Also, I didn't puke in the drawer! I puked in a bag that was in the drawer and I was very discreet about it, thank you!" She'd defended herself. And, it hadn't been her fault that Al had been eating a pastrami sandwich that had made the feelings of sickness bubble up before she'd had time to excuse herself to the bathroom, for the record.

He'd shake his head with amusement because her idea of what had transpired was not exactly rooted in reality if you asked him. Pregnancy brain may have made her more forgetful; but, the woman he loved already had a rather selective memory to begin with. "What about Al?"

"Oh, he definitely figured it out." She'd concede. "But he's respectful enough to keep it to himself."

"And, Hank?" He'd ask studying her as she rose once more and turned to flush the toilet before moving to wash her hands.

"I think he's content not having confirmation. After last time…. he respects the idea of only sharing the happy parts. The safety zone is in two weeks, just let me hold out until then because it will make me feel better." She would plead earnestly and he'd nod in concession before moving to kiss her lips softly as resigned himself to go back to their bed where he knew he wouldn't even close his eyes until she'd lain back down with him. However, he also knew that she would just lay there restlessly and obsess over finding a shirt if he'd tried to coax her into laying down instead of doing what she'd already put her mind to so he resigned himself to the fact that, especially now, he would have to bend to her crazy sometimes. If the shirt mattered this much to her, he'd let her look for one.

Her mind would stay on Hank as she thumbed through various options in their closet before pulling down an oversized plaid button down she would immediately decide would be way too hot before she even bothered to try it on. She was distracted slightly, because it would suddenly feel strange that Hank hadn't forced her to talk more about things; he had to know that she was pregnant and being that he was one of the only people who'd known about what they'd been through last time, she expected his overprotectiveness to rear its ugly face.

There had to be some reason that he wasn't even broaching the subject with her. She'd stop looking through her shirts and let herself wonder what that might be and it would prompt her to comb through memories of conversations they'd had in the past. Doing so would cause her to think back to the time she sat across from his desk and he'd shared the news with her about how Camille had given birth to two babies the day Justin was born; but one had been stillborn, a girl. The mere recollection of that would send her eyes wide with panic. Her hands would fall to the bump there and she'd gulp hard, swallowing the harsh realization that had just hit her. There was no safety zone, not really. There were so many millions of unknowns going on that it would send her into a tizzy that would have her grabbing the closet doors to steady herself. She'd vaguely hear Jay's voice in her ears though it sounded muted and farther away than it should. She honestly had no clue what it was he'd even said but her automatic response of: "Don't worry, I'm okay," Would prompt him to get out of bed.

He hadn't thought anything was wrong until she'd denied that it was just then. All he'd said was, "Come on babe, I need to snuggle that bump." It had been his lighthearted attempt to get her back to bed but the way she'd said told him not to worry and pretended she was fine had made him feel the opposite of both. He was worried, because he recognized that far off look in her eyes and the way her breathing had quickened. This was how her panic attacks always started. He'd try to workout what had set her off in the past few moments but he'd known it was no use. She'd gotten lost somewhere in her mind and there was no telling what it was that had set this nightmare into motion.

She hadn't even heard him get out of bed when she felt his hands on her hips and she'd turn around with that numb expression that told him she was gone off somewhere terrible in her mind, "Erin!" He'd repeated her name frantically, trying with all his might to lure her back from wherever panic had taken her to. His hands would shake her shoulders slightly but her eyes would stay transfixed on a spot of the wall beyond where he stood and they were full of anguish and worry. He wasn't getting through to her and the tears were starting to flood her eyes but none had fallen yet. "Babe…" His voice was breathless as he spoke the word and suddenly his heart had this idea that his brain wouldn't have time to process and his lips would find hers gently and then more forcefully and when her own lips responded with passion and her hands had move from being limp at her sides to gripping his face, he'd finally relax. They'd pull back from the kiss and she would press her chest to is and wrap her arms around him; his own strong arms would come protectively around her in return.

"There is no safety zone, Jay." She whispered, "There are _so_ many things that can go wrong…" A few tears would escape and they'd die on his chest while his hands stroked her back. "People carry babies to term and everything seems fine and then they still…." It was too brutal of a prospect to finish speaking out loud.

"Bad things happen all the time in life Erin, especially in our job. You know better than anyone that there is absolutely no good that comes from worrying constantly about the 'what ifs'. You can't do this to yourself." He'd be compelled to add; _to us_ to that statement, but he'd bite his tongue.

"I can't help it," She'd sigh, her arms would stay wrapped around him but she'd lean back slightly to look at him. "What if we lose the baby at the very end? What if that's the world's cruel way of telling us it _could_ be worse than what we've already gone through."

"That's not going to happen, baby." His words would be so full of conviction they'd almost take her aback.

"You don't know that." Her response would come out quiet and meek.

"I do, actually. I do know that. Because, we _deserve_ for it to be okay this time. We've gone through enough. There has to come a point where we get to be fucking happy. This is it and I know it; I feel it. I love you and I love this baby and I have dreams for our family and I know I wasn't supposed to yet; but I can't help it. I'm happy Erin. And I want everyone to know and I respect that you want to wait, I do. I get it. What we went through was…." He'd sigh because there'd never be a reason to articulate something that was understood even when unspoken between the already. "But I am not going to stand by and let you be terrified of every single thing that might go wrong. You're allowed to be happy. We're allowed to imagine what the baby will look like or what we want to put on our registry; there is nothing wrong with letting the light in, sweetheart."

"I'm not scared of being happy, that's not really it" She'd swallow hard, pulling away from him as she tried to figure out the best way to articulate the complex feelings she had about all of this. "I feel too much guilt when I'm happy. Because of the first baby…" She almost hated saying those words because then the whole thing was made more real and she couldn't pretend that it wasn't. When she could forget; those were the only moments she'd find reprieve but even the act of losing it from her mind momentarily would have her mind overrun with feelings of remorse and culpability. "I feel guilty when I'm happy." She'd confess. "Because I do want this all to work out but, it feels wrong to celebrate another baby when the loss of the other one still feels so fresh and real." But then, would the pain ever feel like it hadn't just happened to them? She feared it would never abate. "It's like…. I can't let myself love this one yet and I feel like a terrible, awful person for that too. Between that and the guilt I just… I'm not even scared I'm just… _lost._ " She'd gasp slightly, trying to keep the sobs from brewing and a few more tears would slip from her watery eyes in spite of her best efforts.

"You are not terrible and just because you aren't letting yourself feel it doesn't mean that you don't. Of course you love this baby. I love this baby. I love you…" He stepped towards her to diminish the gap she'd created and his hands came to that little bump once again. "Loving this baby doesn't mean that we forget about the other one. Losing that baby was the hardest thing either of us has faced I'd say… and we have been through some tough shit to begin with; but baby…" His hand came to her face. "We have always survived everything. We always will. We can love them both. We can honor and remember one while we eagerly anticipate the other and we're allowed to be sad and happy and angry—we can feel whatever we need to."

"I don't want to just survive anymore Jay…" There was dejectedness in her voice as she spoke those words and it would hit him like a ton of bricks. Because she was right, her life should be more than coming out on the other side of tragedy and hardship after tragedy and hardship.

"I know." He'd say softly. "But, _this_ is our happily ever after. Our 'one day.' This is where all the bad stuff, the darkness, the terrible burdens that were too much for either of us to handle alone. The good parts brought us here too, baby. All these moments of our lives have led us _right here_ and I promise you it works out this time." He'd find strength in his own words. They'd stirred a new sense of confidence and resolve in him. His eyes would search hers. "You trust me right;"

His words would make her cry for a different reason this time and she'd find herself wrapping herself into him again but once more; she'd make sure their eyes could still meet. "Of course I trust you; more than anyone. But you can't—"

He'd interrupt her with a kiss. "Just trust me. No more can't No more what if. Just trust me." He whispered against her lips after his forehead had come to rest against hers. "This time, it's all going to work out." He'd repeat the idea again because he knew she wasn't convinced. But she'd let out a resigned sigh and let him lead her to bed anyway, because even if she was still full of fear and worry; she did trust him. And, she could find comfort in his strong sense of bold conviction and reassurance. Beyond that; she wanted him to be right. So maybe it would only be for a little while, but she'd let herself believe his words. She'd repeat his sentiments on a loop in her mind until sleep had finally found her again. _This time, it's all going to work out._

Over the course of the two weeks that would follow that morning's interaction, she'd find her early morning bump to be somewhat problematic in size and obviousness, but it tended to shift in dimension throughout the day and at some points it was completely unrecognizable. She'd become very expert in finding things she could carry or hide behind in order to draw less attention to that area.

Still; her general irritability, constant snacking, frequent bathroom breaks, and super sense of smell had most all of her team suspicious. They'd all hinted questions about it to Jay, but he'd consistently pretended not to pick up on what they were asking and they'd respect the fact that, it was a private matter, and he was probably under a strict gag order he knew better than to violate. They all knew that the phrase, 'Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned' applied ten-fold to Erin Lindsay.

Their twelve-weeks appointment would be scheduled for after work and she'd spend the entire day checking the clock to find time passing slower than usual. The day would creep by at a snail's pace until they were finally headed to Dr. Stone's office as she enjoyed the peanut butter and jelly sandwich she'd made with practically half a jar of the creamy brown substance before they'd left the district. Her snack would have her belly poking out again and she'd smile down at it. She was still feeling extremely sick in the mornings, but she'd appreciate that even more now because she'd take any sort of confirmation she could get that things were still going well. It was why she'd welcome the heartburn that would inevitably accompany her consumption of this sandwich that she had an inexplicable craving for. Her cravings would have him stopping at gas station to get her two pints of milk that she'd chug at an almost alarming rate as they finished driving to the Women's Center.

The ultrasound would be emotional for the right reasons. Baby looked much more like a baby now and Dr. Stone poked at her stomach to elicit a reaction from the baby and when Erin had giggled, they'd both seen the flickers on the screen that would remind them just how real this was. They'd hear that strong, steady heartbeat again, this time much slower than it was when they'd heard it a month before.

Erin's tears would be happy ones and as she held the pamphlets on genetic testing and a list of foods she should be eating to promote things like brain health and development. Jay didn't want to push it but he'd do nothing to deter them both from allowing themselves to get absolutely lost in the happiness that surrounded them since they'd left. The joy that appointment had given them had her agreeing to go out for dinner, something she rarely ever felt up to anymore, and they'd celebrated the occasion by ordering dessert; which she'd eat most of and deny completely, of course.

Once they'd gotten home, their night would feel normal and almost routine for the first time in awhile; they'd shower together innocently and change into pajamas to get ready to enjoy the rest of their quiet night at home. He'd help her get settled on the couch with her favorite pillows tucked into the perfect spots before moving to the kitchen to take care of the dishes and cups they'd abandoned there after the morning's breakfast and when he came back out to find her browsing baby bedding and cribs online, he'd feel a massive smile grow. "What are you up to, babe?" He'd ask, kissing her cheek gently as he sat down next to her.

She'd scoot the laptop over so it was sitting between them. "I just thought _maybe_ it was okay to start a registry. I mean, just for the basics. Furniture and baby monitors… that kind of thing." She'd add and they'd turn and look at each other and he'd lean down to kiss her again.

"I love you." He whispered happily, his nose nuzzling lightly against hers in an eskimo kiss that would turn more ardent as his lips found hers and they'd part mouths to deepen the kiss to communicate the love he'd just expressed.

"Love you more." She'd respond, "What! I do, there are two of us here now so I can really mean it this time." She'd defend her claim once and for all and the reality of her words would make him absolutely melt into a puddle of goo. His eyes would water as he started into hers and they'd both appreciate the fact that she hadn't chased the happiness away again; instead she'd made it that much brighter.

They'd spend the night looking and cribs and their research would find them moving into the guest room with a tape measurer where he'd measure walls, doors, floor spaces, and window frames for far too long until he'd seen her starting to fall asleep standing up. That would prompt him to declare they were done for the night and he'd vow to finish this tomorrow. She wouldn't protest and she'd more than appreciate the way he'd picked her up and snuggled her against his chest to carry her to bed.

The next morning, he'd be surprised to find an empty space beside him when he woke up. When he'd padded out to the living room, he was again surprised to find, instead of her; a freshly brewed pot of coffee with a note taped to it that read:

 _Had to take care of something; see you at work._

The words were scribbled on a blank white index card and punctuated with a giant heart scribbled at the bottom of the card followed by the word wife in lieu of an actual signature. "What are you up to?" He'd wonder out loud as he poured himself a coffee and prepared himself for the day to head into the office without her.

He'd be more confused when he still made it into the bull pen before her but he'd find that all would be explained soon enough after she'd come up the stairs carrying two boxes filled with a variety of donuts from a place near the district that was notoriously generous to Chicago cops. He'd give her a perplexed look and she'd just wink in return before descending into the break room, a moment later, she'd pop her head out and nod for him to join her in there.

"I saw this on Pinterest." She'd point to the two boxes of donuts that were now folded open and in her bubbly hand writing, she'd used a black marker to scrawl the words:

 _Eat up; my mommy doesn't want to be the only one with a belly. Enjoy these donuts on me!_

 _Love,_

 _Baby Halstead_

Emotion would swell in his chest as he took in the words and his eyes would sort of glass over as he turned away form the boxes of donuts to look at her, studying her with an awed reverence. "You are too adorable. This is the _perfect_ way to tell them." He'd laugh gently and kiss her lips.

"You can thank pregnancy insomnia and heartburn for my finding this idea. On the Brightside it as has yielded this and heartburn is supposed to mean the baby will have lots of hair, so…. yay?" She'd giggle and then refocus her thoughts on the task at hand. She'd strategically used the donuts to block her very obvious now bump from view but today; instead of hiding it, she'd display it proudly under a tight white t-shirt that was almost ready for retirement until after she'd gotten her body back. The cotton fabric would stretch over her belly that had suddenly doubled in size overnight. "I guess the baby knows it has permission to show itself after this." She'd remark to him as his hands had come up to touch the soft bulge with adoring tenderness. "Okay, come on. I'm ready now and it's killing me. Go get them!" She'd say gleefully, clapping her hands together in an happy anticipation he was more than thrilled to see as it consumed her now. "Even Hank!" She'd add after he'd headed out. "

He'd start with the last half of her demand first because he'd be the hardest to convince. "Hey, Hank; you want come to the break room a moment? Erin brought donuts." Jay would request, studying his boss who hadn't stirred from his chair.

"I already ate breakfast." He'd reply dryly.

"Uh—cool, but can you just," The hesitation would bring Hank's eyes up to meet his thoughtfully and the older man would search his face for a moment before standing up and eyeing him suspiciously as he walked towards the break room. Jay would let out a relieved breath, that had gone better than expected even if he'd been a bit of a blubbering idiot through their exchange. Either way, he'd been successful and he'd come back to stand in the middle of the bull pen before shouting; "Donuts!" That would be his way announce to the rest of them to head to the break room and they'd all file in and attack the boxes of donuts without so much as looking at the words she'd written.

That was, until Kim walked in last and she'd take one look at the box and before she'd even picked up one of the yeasty treats, she'd let out a squeal/scream that would have them all giving her strange looks. "Did you read the fucking box?" She'd say emphatically pointing at it. That over the top reaction would cause each of the men to look more carefully and they'd all come up to where Erin and Jay had posted themselves out of the way and in front of the sink to offer their congratulations.

"I thought you were getting fat, I just; didn't want to say anything." Adam had remarked with as he drew her into a hug and then followed suit with Jay. "That's one way to lock down that fine ass, huh Halstead? Nice work man."

"That is going to be one gorgeous little baby." Atwater had said more thoughtfully as he'd pressed a kiss to her forehead and clasped Jay on the shoulder.

Al had brought his hand up to her face to pat it gently. "Congrats, kid. You're going to be one hell of a mother." And his words had brought a slight wetness to her eyes. "And god damn what a man to be a dad. Beautiful family, I see it already." He'd added as his arm had come to wrap Jay's shoulders in a one-armed hug.

Kim's reaction would be more of action than words and she'd bounce up and down on her toes and grasp Erin's arms excitedly as she said 'yay' over and over before turning to Jay and squeezing his tricep. "Congrats, _dad_!"

Hank would approach her last with a thoughtful look that would elicit a coy smile from her. "Who'd you think that was still a secret from?" He'd asked with a smile spreading across his face. But he'd move towards her and his hand would take hers and he'd squeeze it gently. "How are you feeling with all this?" He'd ask gently and the smile on her face wouldn't falter.

"I'm…. _happy,_ " She'd confirm and her eyes would look over at Jay as her dimpled smile grew. "I'm letting myself be happy." She'd add, because she wanted to express that it was no small feat getting to this place as her eyes moved back from Jay's to Hank's thoughtfully.

"That's good, kid." He'd smiled and then he'd drawn her in for a hug. "You know, Henry Halstead has a nice ring." He'd add quietly into her ear and another smile would grown on her lips as her eyes closed and she enjoyed the tight way in which his fatherly embrace had enclosed her.


	39. Chapter 39

"Baby is the size of an apple," She'd say, the morning she was officially fourteen weeks along as she checked the app she swore she'd never even download but had become obsessed with in the last couple weeks. "I am so craving a granny smith now… is that weird?" She'd ask, turning to look at him over the blockade of pillows that surrounded her now. If she'd been worried about walling him off with her six; that fear had gone out the window now because he'd surprised her with an amazing pregnancy body pillow that was nearly the size of her and she was absolutely obsessed with it. The only downside was the amount of space it created between them.

"Everything about pregnancy is weird." He'd note, smirking at her as he got out of bed. "And we will get you an apple on the way to work," He'd nod, moving to her side of the bed and leaning to drop a kiss to her lips. "How you feeling, beautiful?" He'd ask, as he did every morning, with concern knit into his brows. "You need anything?"

"Water?" She'd ask, licking her slightly dry lips. "Lots of ice, please." He'd be about to move to fulfill her request when she called out. "Wait! First," The urgency of her voice would spin him on his heels. "Kisses?" She'd smile, tilting her head slightly to look at him.

How could he be mad at that? He'd walk back slowly and dip down to capture her lips in a loving kiss before stooping down to his knees and pulling up the tank top she'd worn to bed. "Can't leave anyone out." He'd winked, pressing a few kisses to her still small bump before rising up to his feet again.

For the first time in awhile, she'd woken up feeling oddly refreshed, the fatigue of her first trimester waning slightly as she eased into the weeks of her second. This fact would lift her out of bed and have her padding over to her closet to survey her clothing options. Jeans were becoming increasingly less comfortable and she was going to need to cave soon and get maternity clothes but she had absolutely no interest in that. Shopping was already low on her list of fun things to do, but shopping for her ever changing body seemed like an even more daunting task.

She thumbed through the options that hung in her closet and chose a pair of pants she'd deemed her "fat pants" and pulled them up. They fit comfortably even with her bulge and she'd smile at her reflection briefly before looking for a top to complete her look as he returned with the water she'd requested as well as with a sleeve of crackers. "Mind reader!" She'd grin over at him, because after he'd left she'd realized she was in fact hungry and she'd found that her nausea hadn't completely faded the way the books had suggested it would by this time and eating something usually helped at least keep it at bay. "Thanks babe." She'd said, leaning to kiss his cheek.

She sat on the bed and ate a few crackers, leaning back against her coveted pillows, still shirtless herself, as she studied him getting ready. Her eyes would fall over his taut, muscular back with admiration. "I never realized how many freckles you have." She'd say softly, standing up and coming behind him to stop him before he could tug a shirt over his head and cover up this perfect canvas she'd been appreciating the view of. Her fingers would come to trace over the clusters of freckles on the back of his shoulders before she leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him there softly. "I hope _he_ looks exactly like you," She'd say gently as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

"He?" He'd ask, because they had four more excruciating weeks until they could actually find out the gender but she'd been _convinced_ for the last week it was going to be a boy. "Another dream?" He'd inquire, with a certain amount of bewilderment, because that's where this hunch of hers had to have come from, one of these crazy vivid dreams induced by her pregnant state.

"Yes and it was _so real_ you don't understand. I swear it was a premonition; and can I go on a sidebar that the Sandra Bullock movie with the same name is actually highly underrated but; I digress. Back to the dream," Jay would turn to face her now and bemusement would play on his face as he waited for her to recount to him the story of her dream. "First of all, I have had wicked heartburn and that is supposed to mean that our little nugget here is growing some hair. Well last night I had this vision of me with this teeny tiny hairy little guy all snuggled up in my neck with tufts of his daddy's brown hair… and, it was _real_. Like; that's happening. I'm a mother now; I know these things. We have intuitions mere mortals like you just can't understand!" Okay, so maybe she'd stolen that last part from one of the dozens of pregnancy/mommy blogs she'd followed in the last couple weeks at Kim's urging.

"Well hairy boy or hairy girl I just hope this baby doesn't have your dimples because I am already putty to one set of them and I don't think I can handle the adorableness of dimpled you holding a dimpled little _us_ … like… I could actually cry right now even imagining it."

"Don't say you could cry! My hormones are insane right now and the idea of that is making my eyes water!" She giggled and batted her lashes to send away threatening tears. "Hey… while I'm already on the path to being an emotional wreck, can we… _talk_." The shift in her tone would tell him she had something serious to discuss and he'd nod slowly, bringing his arm around her waist to draw her against him.

"What's on your mind, lover?" He'd ask, his eyes searching hers for an answer to that question because he was too impatient to simply wait for a verbal response.

"I wasn't there for you; I checked out. Everything we went through I just…." She swallowed. "I've felt incredibly guilty about it ever since, babe. I know you're going to say it's fine but it isn't fine to me. We made a promise to each other and when you needed me the most; I was nowhere to be found. I am so disappointed in myself for that because you deserved someone who stood by you and helped you through the darkest parts of this the way you did for me and, I just; it isn't okay. Even the whole first trimester of this pregnancy, I was wrapped up in my feelings and worries that I stifled all of your own and; like who am I? I don't… I'm so sorry." The guilt had eaten at her for awhile now but she hadn't found the words to say to convey her feelings. She'd stopped focusing on finding the perfect thing to say though and decided that saying _something_ , anything at all, was better than remaining silent.

He couldn't argue that she was wrong. She had done those things but; it was all done well within reason, if you asked him. Everything she went through, every other additional layer of darkness piled on top of that loss or pregnancy that she'd had to fight through along with it would have ruined a lesser person. "I don't care about any of that, wife. Listen, what we went through was horrible and dark and it definitely tested the whole for better or worse part of those vows we exchanged but," He'd shrug. "Isn't that why we made them in the first place? So that when put to the test, we could prove that we were in it no matter what? I'd take the ugly days we had in the past months. I'd take them all from your memory and keep them as my own if it were possible, babe. But 'd never erase them from my own, because even in the most terrible, absolutely worst parts of it, I found ways to love you even more." His confession was raw and unplanned and as predicted it would have her emotionally hormonal state in overdrive in an instant and she'd hug him tearfully. "You are worth a thousand lifetimes of struggle, Erin Lindsay."

She'd be more than a little taken aback by his delivery and the tears she'd blinked away before wouldn't be so easy to chase away now. They were slipping in a steady stream over her cheeks as she spoke."We are so lucky to have you _daddy_." She said gently, placing his hand on her belly and she _swore_ she could always feel their baby move ever so slightly anytime his strong hands or lips made contact with the skin there. "And no matter what I say or do in the next few months can you just promise me one thing?"

"Anything." He'd agree immediately. His hand would rub her belly gently but he'd lift his free one to her face and use his thumbs to scoot away threatening tears before kissing her forehead gently.

"Just don't forget how much I love you. And don't forget that you're allowed to call me on my shit, still. Lord knows, I need it more now than ever. You're going to have to piss me off sometimes, and remind me that I need to not be crazy."

Jay couldn't help but grin widely because again, he'd have to agree with her there, though he figured the enforcement of this on his end would bring him some less than ideal times ahead, nonetheless, he'd agree to those terms. "Deal." He'd nod, kissing her gently before deciding they'd stalled long enough and needed to get ready for work.

On the way to the district, they'd stop and get her that tart green apple she wanted and Jay had to admit their was something incredibly sexy about the way she'd eaten it on their drive and it may have been the reason their windows had gotten slightly fogged in the ten minutes since they'd parked that it had taken them to get out.

When they finally made their way upstairs, Adam would beam at their arrival. "Mama bear!" He'd smile and without any sense of personal boundaries he'd reach out and rub the small bump under the navy blue t-shirt she wore. "Want to help me with an interrogation, I can use your…." He would choose his words carefully. "I need the belly in full effect." He'd laugh and then move to his desk where he'd pick up a small bag. "I brought the baby a muffin!" He'd note and hand her a small brown bag.

He wouldn't have needed to bribe her because she basically lived for interrogations now, as they were basically the only action she saw anymore. But she'd take the muffin appreciatively. "Ooh, double chocolate. Careful Ruzek, I might leave Jay for you. He made me eat cooked spinach last night." She made a face.

"You help me crack this witness; I'll buy you all the muffins you want, now eat up, you're looking very small. Maybe it's the shirt; it's too dark it's making you look skinny… we need you looking as fat as you did yesterday." Her eyes would narrow. "I mean—uh; as _glowing_. That's the word I was looking for but you see…." He'd trail off because her gaze would stay affixed on him in a rather threatening way.

"Walk away, before I hurt you. I'll meet you down at interrogation in ten" Erin would warn, but she'd smirk in spite of herself and Adam would take her advice and slink away before he could put his foot further into his mouth.

Matthew Primmer was a 34-year-old white man who had a small claim to fame due to his semi-pro, minor league hockey career. He'd retired a little over a year ago due to the excessive amount of knee surgeries he'd had and went to work for his socialite wife's father's company; some internet security firm that paid him way too much for doing way too little.

Primmer was fit, enchanting, and attractive; a real Ted Bundy type. He had been on PD's radar for a while now; he was suspected in the disappearances of three teen prostitutes in the last year, but there was no substantial proof or evidence to tie him to it definitively yet. However, in the past six hours, one of the missing girls had resurfaced, pregnant and beaten within an inch of her life. No one had been able to talk to her because she'd been unconscious when discovered and in a medically induced coma after facing multiple surgeries after arriving at the hospital.

In Ruzek's mind, it wasn't a matter of figuring out if Primmer was guilty; he didn't need to wait on the DNA work to get back from the lab to find confirmation of that, if you'd asked him. When they'd first heard about this case, after the second girl had gone missing and been vaguely linked to Primmer, Adam had gone to feel him out with a casual conversation and had left the man's office with a bad feeling and taste in his mouth. Alongside the fact he had no proof or concrete evidence to tie the guy to one or all of the kidnappings, he didn't have a lot of time left to figure this out. That gut instinct of his had also told him the other girls were still out there and he was feeling rather desperate to make sure their lives didn't end before he had a chance to do something about it.

He and Atwater had gone down to the coffee shop at the bottom of his work place this morning after the victim had turned up at Med. Primmer could be there every day at seven am on the dot for an early morning pick me up before heading up to his office for the day, as they'd learned in their surveillance of him when he was originally a suspect.

When they'd approached Primmer, he'd fled instantly; later claiming it was because he and his buddies had an ongoing epic prank battle he thought this was all a part of. Nonetheless, his odd reaction would turn out to be a blessing in disguise because they could hold him for a few hours, since regardless of his story as to why, he'd still run from the police. Primmer hadn't requested an attorney, but Ruzek and Atwater had both taken a run at him and time was ticking, but they'd gotten nowhere.

Erin would change into a white-shirt she had in her locker that fit in an impossibly snug way around her midsection now; so that her belly would be; as Adam had requested, in full effect when she met him outside of interrogation. "Okay, don't freak out but, the guy seems to have a pregnancy fetish…" He'd fill her in on the details of the case and how this morning when he'd sat with Primmer and told him that Cassie Sterling was pregnant; he'd gotten such a strange look in his eyes, one he could only describe as desire. "I mean, at this point I could just be running with anything, because I'm honestly grasping at straws here but… one of the girl's missing, she's one of my first CI's so, I've got a personal stake in this."

Erin would nod curtly at his confession; he didn't need to explain more. She'd do whatever she could to help. And help she would; Primmer would be almost hypnotized by the way she'd sat next to him on the table rubbing her belly. He'd lick his lips as he watched her and he was on the hook in no time. "How far along are you?" He'd ask in a husky voice, interrupting her inane line of questioning about his job and affinity for the party life style that had likely led him into a position to kidnap, rape, and torture teenaged prostitutes. Thinking of this would have her fighting really hard not to let her disgust for him show in a completely evident way on her very expressive face.

"Fourteen weeks," She'd smile happily. "I can't believe how much my body has changed in that time, it's so crazy. Do you have any children, Mr. Primmer? I bet you'd make a great dad." She'd add sweetly, studying him with her hand resting underneath her belly that had certainly grown in size since she'd eaten that muffin in record time on her way down to meet Adam.

"I, well… I've never really…" He'd scratch the back of his neck and it would give him more confidence to be assured. "No kids for me, not yet." Her leg would tap lightly against his when she moved slightly to shift her weight, though the contact had been rather purposeful on her part. It would goad him to ask a more devious question and the interrogation would finally take the turn Adam was hoping for. "You know they say pregnant women have an insatiable sexual appetite." He'd change the subject and eye her again, in a creepy way that told her exactly what he was thinking. But, Erin wasn't above using this type of thing for her own gain so she'd play along with his perversion.

"Guilty as charged," She'd giggle gently, leaning down to look at him with a soft smile. "I want it all day every day, my husband can hardly keep up." She'd dare and he'd swallow hard as his eyes bore a hole through her stomach. "Takes a _real_ man to satisfy that need." She'd add in a hushed whisper and the way his eyes narrowed at her would let her know she had him right where she wanted.

"Well, I know a thing or two about that." The grim smile on his face would tell a different tale than his words had before.

"Oh yeah?" The fake coyness in her voice would send him over the edge and his eyes would flutter slightly closed. "Maybe you can give me some tips?" She'd smirk, her fingers running up and down the v-neck of her t-shirt. "Hey Ruze, can you give us a minute?" She'd ask pointedly. Adam would give her an uneasy look mostly for Primmer's sake and then he was rising from the wall where he'd posted himself up and then exit quietly. Primmer had long since forgotten he was even in the room with them, but he'd feel a misplaced sense of trust in Erin and the fact she'd left herself alone with him.

Being alone with her was almost too much for him to take and he'd twitch slightly when her hand came to rest on his shoulder. "Sorry I just… I'm not really sure what's come over me but…" She'd bite her lip as she stared at him. "I was kind of imagining you taking me someplace nice and quiet after we wrap this interview, I mean you're far too attractive to need prostitutes, right? I think my partner is kind of jealous of how put together you are…" She'd cast him a lustful stare to send him past the point of no return. "Know anywhere we could…. go?" She'd add with an expanded smile.

She'd have him with that, even if he were too blinded by her exquisite beauty and charms to realize that this was all an act and if he'd taken even a moment to consider how obviously too good to be true this all was, she'd taken a chance that his mind would be focused more on lust than logic and she'd find it was when he gave her a half-answer. "Why does it have to be quiet?"

"I think you know." Would be her breathy reply. "A quiet place is just begging to be made loud." She'd smirk and his lips would come to form a wicked smile of their own and he'd give her a knowing look.

"I… I have a _quiet_ little _place_. In, Irving Park. I dabble in flipping real estate investments, so it's a bit of a fixer up. You give me some time and I can… get it ready for you. It's kind of a mess, I've been doing some…. renovations to it lately."

"I don't think I can wait, why don't we just go right now?" She'd dare, because she had a sneaking suspicion that getting the place ready meant getting rid of his other two victims somehow and there was no way she was giving him time for that. What she needed was an address so that Hank could send an unmarked car there before this prick even made outside the doors of the district. "Just write down the address and I'll meet you?" She'd make her own voice sound husky with a desire she only actually had for Jay, her eyes would cast briefly and inconspicuously over to the double-sided glass mirror to convey that..

Hank, Adam, and Jay were all on the other side of the glass watching this interaction and Jay had already grown uneasy. It wasn't watching her flirt with this bastard that boiled his blood; he'd had her in so many ways that he was so past the point of jealousy. Besides, it sort of turned him on to watch her be a sexy, confident, bad ass again; because it was a part of her she'd lost in the last few months. It was the first part of her he'd really fallen for when things were still platonic between them and they were just partners and friends. "I don't like the way he's looking at her Hank and I'm not saying that as her husband." He'd remark quietly as they observed the scene unfold. Hank would give him a thoughtful look of agreement but they'd be unable to push the conversation farther because Primmer was speaking finally after the thoughtful pause he'd taken to consider her proposition.

He would lick his lips and stare longingly at her again. "I'll send a car for you when I'm ready?"

She figured that the plan would never get that far so she'd agree without even a second of actual consideration, "Perfect, let me go get you my card, it has the number for the line that goes right to my desk." With that she'd brush her hand across his shoulder and then exit the room. Rather than head up to the bull pen to retrieve the card as she'd said (fuck the stairs for real though) she rounded the doorway into on the room on the other side of the two-way mirror, where the guys were waiting. "Ruzek, be a dear, go get one of my cards?" She asked sweetly and he'd nod because he owed her big time on this one.

"You were… amazing." He grabbed her face with two hands to kiss her forehead and then went to run the errand she'd requested. Hank was already on the phone when she'd come in so she'd wait for him to wrap up what he was doing before addressing him. That would leave her to move in front of Jay.

"Sorry I was pretend ready to cheat on you." She'd smile, his hands coming to rest on her belly.

"Baby's first undercover mission." He'd remark with a grin, "Already taking over my job as mommy's most trusted partner." His thumb would brush over the roundest part of her, the underside of her belly that was really protruding right now thanks to the efforts of that chocolate muffin and of the too tight tee she wore.

"Never!" She'd laugh, but she meant it too because _he_ was her partner on the job and in life and she hoped it would last forever in both respects. "We're a little trifecta of awesome."

Hank would be off the phone before Jay cold say anything else. "Alright, I've got Al and Kim ready to follow him. Give him his phone, let him call his personal driver, we'll tail them from the time they leave and see what's up with this place of his in Irving Park. Good work, kid." He'd remark to Erin, a beam of pride for his would be daughter evident in his face.

"Jay, I need your help with something." She'd say as she turned to leave once Adam had returned with the card as requested. Jay would follow her to the hall and she'd turn around to face him, leaving no space between them. "Make out with me."

"Babe, you know I love you and want you incessantly, but it is not exactly the time or the place…" He'd remark with wide eyes and a small laugh.

"I need to look like I've just taken myself up and down the stairs, smart ass. This guy is all about pregnant women, he'll notice something like that. So; I thought to myself, the fastest way to get breathless is a few French kisses from Jay Halstead, but if you're not up for it, I'll go get Adam…" She teased.

His only response would be to cup her face and press his lips forcefully to hers to give a definitive response. The kiss would grow in passion until it had left her breathless as requested and she'd press her hands to his chest lightly and they'd share a smile. "More than happy to assist." He'd wink before letting her go so her breathlessness would be fresh for this last bit of bait before she sent this guy up the river.

"Don't keep me waiting." Erin would say to Primmer as she handed him his phone and let her fingers trail flirtatiously over his hands to keep up this elaborate rouse. With that, Primmer would make the call they'd been expecting and then head outside to wait for his car and effectively set their plan into motion, without even knowing it.

Alvin Olinsky was amazing at tailing people; his propensity to go unnoticed made him the prime person for this job; which is why Hank would be shocked to get a call from him saying they'd lost the bastard. They'd followed the Lincoln Navigator out of the parking lot but the driver had avoided most of the main roads and often turned at the last minute, throwing him for a loop. It wasn't until he'd finally merged onto the highway that Al had lost him because after shifting three lanes to the left to follow their mark, Al would be trapped between two semi-trucks when he noticed the navigator shift back over to the exit ramp he'd have no time to get to. With their only lead slipping through their fingers, Hank would fell a bit desperate as he came back up the stairs. "We have a problem." He'd grumble and Erin would open her eyes and look up from where she sat in her desk chair, Jay rubbing her feet which she'd rid of boots and propped up in his lap shortly after they'd returned to he bullpen.

Hank would explain the situation and Erin would get this look in her eyes Jay wasn't exactly thrilled about. "Hear me out," The way she began would make her husband feel even more uneasy. "We mic me up, send me in the car. Make nice with the driver, get as much info as I can from him, you guys follow me and the driver to the house." Both men would nod in agreement because her plan was solid and didn't seem to put her in any danger, but then, she wasn't finished. "But, here's the part you two are going to go all crazy helicopter mode on me, but; can we just agree to listen to the entire suggestion before just saying no?" She'd eye them pointedly and Hank would nod and Jay would raise his hands slightly in a 'surrender' motion that would prompt her to go on. "I go in that house, you have every right to come in after me. That lets us in the door. We are working off Ruzek's gut feeling here and that is not going to fly in the reports, we need more than that. This guy wants me and additionally, he thinks I want him. I go in, let him put the moves on me, then I get _cold feet_. I can tell he won't take no for an answer, you guys wait outside ready to move in on my signal, we drop him and check the rest of the house. It's not even dangerous when you think about it."

"Not even dangerous? Did you forget the part where you, pregnant, go in alone to a house with a guy we think rapes women to impregnate them and then keeps them as pets that he, as far as we know, also beats and tortures them? And can I just reinforce the fact that this is all rooted in his weird pregnancy thing he has going. And you are very much pregnant with our child right now." Jay's exasperation was more than evident as his eyes searched hers briefly.

"You think I let this guy lay a hand on me? He so much at looks at me wrong and I'll call you guys in. Baby, you know me. I got this!" She did fully understand and respect his totally valid concerns, she really did. But she hadn't been in the field in ages and this was such a small part to play honestly. She was full of adrenaline already just thinking about going out there but she tried to keep that excitement at bay because she suspected that would merely add to the case he was building against her going.

"I don't know, Linds." Hank would speak up now and alleviate some of the growing tension in the room, as well as take some of the pressure off Jay being the one insistent about her safety "Risk versus reward here, we have to consider—"

She didn't have time for this. She had considered herself fragile more than anyone these last few months. Especially when she'd learned she was pregnant again. If she didn't think this reward more than outweighed the very small risk she was taking, she wouldn't have offered. So rather than let Hank finish, she spoke over him defiantly. "Two girls are out there. Two teenaged girls who have been missing for months that are probably; pregnant, scared, being raped, and being held in who knows what type of conditions enduring god knows what else. This is our best shot, you know I'm not wrong. I'll be careful, more careful now than I'd ever have been when I wasn't pregnant and both of you know that." She'd look at them both pointedly, but her hand would come to rest lovingly on Jay's chest in a show of support.

Hank would be the first to cave to her persuasions. "She's not wrong, Halstead." He'd begin and Jay's features would tighten at this admission. "Take a few minutes, discuss it… and we'll talk." He'd say and then he'd leave them alone at her desk.

Erin would be compelled to speak before he had a chance to. "I told you this morning to call me on my shit, so; if this is one of those times, I'll respect it. You tell me definitively not to do this; I don't do it, simple as that. I'll probably be a little bitch about it, to be real, but I'll honor your wishes regardless."

Jay would be taken off guard because he'd expected more of a foot putting down and her defiantly saying she was doing this and he couldn't stop her, but he was pleasantly surprised by her attitude about this. "Wife, I…" But honestly, he wasn't sure what to say. Erin was right, she would be more careful now than she ever would've been in her past which was decorated with its fair share of reckless incidents. At the same time, he felt very uneasy giving approval to her to put herself in _any_ danger at all, limited as it may seem to her.

"Daddy." She'd interrupt his inability to articulate his thoughts, using another level of nicknames that would send him to his limit even more than when she'd reference him as husband. "We love and respect you as our protector. You tell us not do this this, fine, but you're going to have to tell the baby you've ruined his first undercover sting." She'd say with a gentle playfulness.

His face would shift with slight amusement and he's stare down at her after she'd stood up and wrapped her arms around his midsection. "Fine, okay. I'm on board. But Erin, seriously, you let nothing happen. He does anything shifty, even if it's just the way he looks at you; you call us in and you get yourself as far away from him as possible. Promise?" His eyes were full of apprehension but he had more than just trust in this woman; he had the utmost respect for her and held her in the highest of regards.

"Promise." She'd say, leaning up to kiss him passionately. "Thank you," She'd add because she didn't realize just how much her own confidence in this had hinged on his approval.


	40. Chapter 40

It would only be thirty more minutes before Lindsay's desk line was ringing. Their attempt to ping Primmer's location based on that call would be thwarted by the brevity of the conversation. In spite of Erin's best efforts to keep him talking long enough to get it. This guy was too smart, it seemed. He wouldn't give her his number, just his driver's, whose phone they would ping and find travelling towards the district. Jay shook his head with a narrow look. "He has to know you aren't this stupid babe," He'd warn, fastening the belt around her hips that housed her microphone.

"Let him underestimate me! It is actually probably really useful if he does, to be honest." There was absolute calm in her voice as she addressed her husband, his hands moving from the belt's buckle up to her stomach. "There are two people in this world I need and love more than anything," She'd whisper, her eyes finding his. "I carry one in my belly that I haven't met yet and the other in my heart, always." She whispered, her hand resting gently on the side of his face. "Everything is going to be okay," She promised with blind faith, just as he had done not long ago when he told her everything would be okay with this baby.

She'd learned her lesson from her unfortunate encounter with Rooster all those months ago and in lieu of putting the knife into her pinhole camera purse, she'd tuck the ceramic knife gifted to her by Al into the back waistband of her pants. Jay had been more than just a little reluctant to send her out to the steps of the district to wait for Primmer's driver, but he knew it was best to be geared up and ready to go in their vehicles so he sat in the driver's seat of their GMC while Atwater rode shotgun and a very nervous and unusually quiet Adam sat in the back.

She'd only be stood out there for about eight minutes before the black Lincoln Navigator that had picked up Primmer earlier that morning was pulling up in front of her. A mousy looking young man would shift it into park, get out, and open the back passenger's side door for her. "Miss," He'd acknowledge, offering her his hand, which she would refuse, as she grabbed the handle in favor of it, lifting herself in. "Mr. Primmer is looking forward to your visit." He'd say almost robotically, but as her eyes studied his face, she could just _tell_ that he was privy to whatever Primmer's twisted plans usually were when he picked up women for him. She'd force her face to remain soft and unassuming in spite of this as she buckled her seatbelt, her hand coming instinctively to rest on her belly.

"Me too!" Her voice would ooze with sugary sweetness as he pulled out of te parking lot. There would be a few beats of silence and then Erin would strike up conversation. "Okay, so don't lie to me, I can take it; you do a lot of these pick ups for Matthew?" She'd inquire innocently enough, stretching her legs out in front of herself a little to make sure her belly wasn't resting on the mic too much that it might muffle the transmission to her team.

"You should call him Mr. Primmer. Just…" The driver would shake his head, pause, and swallow for a moment as his eyes flicked up to the rear view mirror where he'd find her own gaze and dimpled smile waiting for him. Those dimples could get secrets from anyone, though, and he'd give a slight smirk and abandon what he'd been about to say. "Not usually during daylight." He'd admit, focusing now on her inquiry into how often her picked women up for his boss. She'd let out a fake giggle in response, even if she was brimming with a sick feeling over that information. "And they don't usually look like you," He'd note with a glance of appreciation before focusing his gaze back on the road.

"Not pregnant?" She'd ask, playing dumb, doing her best not to shudder at the once over he'd just given her.

He'd let out an uneasy laugh but ignore that question, "Not so…. put together." He'd finish noncommittally.

The drive from the district to Irving Park wasn't long but felt excruciatingly so for Jay Halstead who had never in his life, even in his tours in Afghanistan, ever felt so nervous about an op. Every muscle in his body seemed strained as he drove them along in silence, keeping a safe distance behind the car carrying his true love.

Ruzek would lean forward from the backseat and place a comforting arm on Jay's shoulder. "You good, pops?" He'd ask, patting him gently. "She's got this." He'd add, as if his own verbal confirmation of this fact might be the thing that made this taller, slightly older, and certainly more handsome counterpart feel at ease. Atwater would nod his head in a show of support for this notion.

Truthfully, Adam felt some responsibility for all of this because he'd gotten Erin involved in the interrogation that morning without considering how any of this could potential pan out, not that he'd ever have bee able to predict this situation anyway. But, his _sister_ could be in harms way because of him for the second time and even though they'd joke back and forth about it now, he'd never actually forgiven himself for what happened to her at the motel with Rooster and the bullet wound she'd suffered from his miscalculations.

If anything happened to her tonight; he'd take whatever punishment Jay saw fit to dole out because there'd be nothing that could torture him more than knowing something had happened to Erin or her baby because of him, even indirectly. "Look, I'm…" He'd clear his throat. "I'm sorry that I brought her in on this I swear—"

"We're good, man." Jay's voice was stiff and his wording would be curt because if he let himself think or talk too much, he wasn't sure what might come out. But he'd stay strong and steady for her and their baby, because as she'd said at the district, he was their protector. "Erin's got a mind of her own. Nobody stops her when she gets an idea. It's not on you." He'd say finally because after one glance in the rear view mirror at the pained, guilty look on Adam's face and he knew that he was no use to Erin if his mind was focused on what could go wrong instead of what they'd make sure went right. "Hey." He'd draw the man's attention from the back seat. "You got her back?"

Adam reply without hesitation, borderline offended Jay would even ask. "Of course, that's my sister."

"Then we're good, brother." He'd nod again and that would be the end of the exchange.

They'd finally pull up in front of Primmer's self proclaimed fixer upper, a small two story home set amongst an array of other poorly maintained properties that made it rather clear that this neighborhood wasn't the type that called in the sounds of screaming girls being tortured by semi-professional former hockey players. "Nice place," Her voice would be a little flat as she purposely took time gathering her things and unbuckling her seatbelt before getting out of the car to give the team time to get in place before she was even anywhere near that front door.

"Work in progress," He'd promise, opening the door for her and waiting expectantly for her to get out and she finally would, looking at him as he closed the door behind her. "Enjoy your time, miss." He'd say softly and something about his delivery would again make her think that this guy might know more than he was letting on.

"You gonna walk me up? I didn't even catch your name." She'd add with a small smile, using the same sweet voice she'd taken when he'd first picked her up.

"No, uh…well, Zach, but;" He'd hesitate and look around nervously before casting his gaze down at his own feet. "No, Mr. Primmer he, he usually prefers me to not really, well…" His inability to articulate a response would elicit concern from anyone, but hers wasn't entire fake as she asked him the next question.

"Is there something I should know, Zach?" She'd pry, hoping that maybe she'd get enough out of him to avoid going in at all.

Sadly, Zach wouldn't provide that easy out here because he'd quickly transform his body language from nervous to a false confidence she could only imagined he'd learned from studying Primmer over however long it was that he'd been driving the man around. "Not at all, miss…."

"It's Erin. My name is Erin." She'd look him in the eyes, searching for any sign of guilt he may have over leaving here but they'd be devoid of any. Maybe Primmer let him have his turn with these girls after he'd had a go at them first and that was why Zach played along.

"Erin," His confidence would falter briefly at that. "I think Mr. Primmer just sort of prefers we keep our relationship professional and not friendly. Besides, you two are going to have…" The way he eyed her next would confirm her suspicions about his guilty role in all of this. "… lots of _fun_ together. You should get in there."

"Will you wait for me, to take me back?" She asked, tilting her head slightly but the look that passed over his face would let her know that he was fully aware Primmer had no intention of letting her leave. The hormones would intensify the rage she felt for this _boy_ standing in front of her and she'd fight her almost animalistic instincts to beat the shit out of him based on her own strong gut feeling alone. But feeling that instinctual pull would remind her why she was here in the first place and she needed to do this right for Adam and for those girls that she hoped against all hope were still alive and not so traumatized by these monsters that they'd never be whole again even if they did find them.

"Uh—yeah I'll be out here." He'd nod and look away instantly; unable to face the reality of what he'd knowingly brought this woman to. She'd be disappointed in him then, disgusted really. How could he let himself be an accomplice to such grave injustices? But, Primmer's charms clearly could get through to anyone; even this young man who he'd undoubtedly promised wealth and favors to in exchange for his silence, compliance, and own perverted involvements in this whole twisted plot.

"Might be awhile," She'd say with a wink, keeping up the act she'd willingly offered herself up to portray. As she stepped away from the curve where she'd just been let out of the car, she took a somewhat ragged breath, rubbed the underside of her belly gently, and then walked up to the well worn wooden door that would be all that separated her from the real threat now. She'd just lifted her hand to knock but it would fall through open space as Primmer opened the door for her, a charming smile present on his face.

"Well, this dump just got a lot more beautiful," He'd grin upon seeing her and his hand would come to her face in an all too familiar way that she'd again fight hard to conceal her disgust for. "I'd offer you wine but, given your present condition…" His hand would come to her belly before she could stop him and her disgust for him would grow with it.

"Actually the docs say it's okay to enjoy the occasional glass, pour me some, tonight I'm not playing by the rules." She'd giggle, running her arm over his bicep. "Do you have a bathroom I can use? You know how these things are on the bladder." She'd giggle again, pointing to her belly, and he'd nod, inviting himself to rub her bump without permission. "Down the hall, to the left, doors open." He'd note, turning to disappear into the kitchen of the sparsely decorated home.

Happy to have a chance to explore more and put space between them, she'd tuck her clutch under her arm, with the camera facing out, and make her way down the hall slowly, observing the staircase she passed by the didn't exactly look trustworthy enough for him to bring anyone up successfully.

She'd take in a closed doorway on her approach to the bathroom, she'd turn the handle of it easily to reveal a small bedroom that currently had no furniture at all and no signs that he'd been keeping anyone inside of it, but then the two giant windows that flooded daylight into the dim room would be reason enough to deter him from doing that. She'd close it just as quietly as she'd opened it and keep moving down the dreary hallway.

The second door she'd come to was open and obviously the bathroom but she'd step past in in favor of moving farther down the hall to the end of where a door much thicker and obviously more recently installed compared to the others sat with a deadbolt and heavy lock looped through it. She'd shift her purse slightly up to reveal the door better and whisper to the mic,"Basement." Before she heard movement in the kitchen indicating he'd finished getting the wine and she'd quicken her pace back to the bathroom where she'd find herself actually needing to go thanks to her _partner_ on this op and the ungodly amounts of water and milk she seemed to consume lately.

Hank had moved the team into position right after Erin was safely in the house with the door shut behind her. Kim would wait in the car to watch the video and communicate information to the team. Al had already accosted and handcuffed the driver, who had attempted to fle the scene as soon as the door has closed behind her. Thanks to the wallet he'd stored not so discreetly in the glove box of the car, they'd find he was named Zachary Hall and he was only _nineteen_ years old.

After Lindsay had gone on her small exploration, Hank would task Jay and Adam with heading around the back of the house to try and find any windows or openings in the home's bottom layer that would indicate to them that the victims this was all being done to find were even down there.

She'd let the wine wet her lips but not swallow any of it as she stood in front of him, his hand coming back to her belly again without permission. "You are…" He'd swallow. "Crazy hot, I can't wait to get you out of those clothes." He'd said in a husky tone.

She'd let out a sexy laugh and bring her hand to his chest. "Where do you want me?" She'd ask, tucking a strand of brown-blonde hair behind her ears. "Please be more creative then a bed…" She'd add with a soft coyness.

"More creative than a bed… well sadly the water isn't turned on, but." He'd ponder her request and let his hand trail up towards her chest. "Any _special creative_ requests, sexy?"

"I kind of like it somewhere dark, quiet, maybe with very few windows." She'd suggest, hoping she'd goad him into at least a reaction with her mentioning of the basement in not so many words.

"Girl like you deserves better than a dirty romp on a basement floor." He'd grin, his hand tugging up her shirt to reveal the skin of her belly, but the uneasy look in his eyes would tell her there was more to the story of why he wasn't interested in bringing her down there. She'd feel he'd give her further proof of that with the way he directed the course of their exchange next, "Drink that wine, I think it'll have you caving and wanting me to carry you to that not so creative bed solution in no time."

"Forget the wine," She'd smile, placing her glass on a nearby surface because she was now acutely aware that he'd probably put something in it and she'd taken enough of a risk even letting that liquid touch the outside of her mouth. "I want the dirty basement romp. My husband can fuck me in our bed tonight, I came her for the thrill, Matthew, for something _different_. Maybe a little… _dirty_ " Her eyebrows would raise suggestively as she went against Zach's advisement to call him Mr. Primmer and her voice would have such an determined insistence to it as her hand came up to her chest.

He'd be less than impressed at her use of his first name. He preferred to be addressed with a title that made people seem somehow inferior to him. "No." He'd be more firm now and he'd grip her shoulders accordingly. "Drop it." He'd warn and she'd act quickly to keep him from growing suspicious.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry, sexy. Why don't you, shut me up?" She'd dare and he'd relax slightly due to his lust for her and be ready to capture her lips in a kiss when a sudden soft yet still distinctly noticeable thud would sound from that door she'd noticed earlier. She'd gasp slightly and put her hands up to stop him from coming in for contact. "What was that?" She'd ask with an intonation of worry more pronounced then the one she felt. Her instinct wasn't to be scared, it was to bring this fucker to his knees and investigate that sound, but she wasn't in the condition for that right now, she knew that.

"Nothing." He'd said dismissively with a low growl, as he nuzzled his face into her neck to place a less than delicate and anything but sex kiss to her neck; but the sound would come again prompting her to step back before he could have too much intimate contact there.

"Doesn't sound like noth—" His hand would come across her face with a sting before she could even finish that word or do anything else and she'd find herself screaming the code word Jay had suggested before sending her out to those district steps. Before she'd finished the word, she'd very quickly be moving herself away from Primmer.

" _LETTERS_!" She screamed wildly and one hand would come protectively to her stomach as the other went for the ceramic knife in her waist band and seconds after she'd made her cry, Atwater would be shoving the door in with gun trained on Primmer.

"CHICAGO PD, on your knees now!" His comforting, booming voice would fill the room as Primmer sank to his knees and he'd cast her a look to let her know he was there to make sure nothing happened to _them._ That short, meaningful look would bring her great comfort.

Erin would still take a moment to gather herself from the shock of the slap and the feelings of eminent danger that had shaken her briefly, but then she was back in bad ass cop mode and in one swift movement she moved to where Atwater had him on his knees cuffing him and drew her fist back to land a punch square in his nose. "Sick fuck." She'd mutter, shaking her hand, which stung somewhat from that hit; before walking past him to enter the hallway and observe the scene unfolding at the end of it where Hank and Al were working on the door's lock, which Al would eventually give up and shoot off.

Having found no windows on the outside that would allow any type of access to the basement, Jay and Adam had been doubling back to their original positions when Erin had used the safe word and Jay's pace would grow impossibly fast as he headed back to the front door. He'd run through it and find her standing there in the foyer waiting for Hank and Al and he'd forget completely he had a job to do and instead sling his long gun over his shoulder and wrap his arms around her.

"You okay?" He'd ask after swallowing thickly. His hands would go through her hair, to her shoulders down her arms, over her precious belly and then come back to her face, where that piece of garbage had struck her. His thumb would brush soothingly over it as he searched her eyes for any signs of distress that may go beyond the physical ones he'd just checked her for.

"I'm good, _we're_ okay." She'd whisper, placing her hand on his chest. It was then he'd see her red knuckles and his eyes pupils would dilate slightly as he took them in. "He slapped me! Couldn't let the baby watch me stand for such an injustice." There'd be no remorse in her voice and he couldn't necessarily blame her. But they'd both crack a smile even in the seriousness of all of this.

Shouts and call outs would bring him back to reality instantly and he'd have his arm around her shuffling towards the door before he'd even begun his plea of; "Please, please go sit and wait in the car while we clear the place?" His eyes would search hers and instead of saying how he'd _let_ her do this when she'd given him the ultimate power of veto, he'd go with, "There are some snacks in the truck."

She'd pretend it was the snacks that motivated her to follow along with his request of her. Honestly though; it was because she respected him and his wishes to keep her and the baby safe and it was a aspiration she'd more than shared as well. But tonight had shown her something, something she needed to see that sitting behind an interrogation table never could have shown her.

After the miscarriage, she'd lost a big part of herself in that internal pool of darkness that would always exist inside of her, no matter how much Jay's love had healed her. After it had happened, she'd become scared, withdrawn, and fragile even; a shell of who she really was. It would seem she'd lost those complex layers that made her who she was.

Those awful, depressing feelings would only be exacerbated when she'd learned she was pregnant again and she'd let her fears and anxieties completely take over to the point where every single bad feeling she had seemed to signal to her that impending doom and nightmare plagued sleep would find her again and her dreams and hopes for their family would be dashed again. It was because of these feelings that she'd robbed them of happiness. She'd robbed their baby of being someone who was celebrated from the start. That guilt would've eaten her alive in the past, but she'd find strength in the fact that she was going to make sure, going forward to celebrate absolutely every single thing, no matter how silly it may have seemed. This baby deserved that. Jay deserved to be the excited doting dad she knew lay inside of him, only staying hidden out of respect for her less than assured feelings about this whole thing. She'd make up her mind then, that tomorrow they'd go shopping for those maternity clothes she was trying to avoid buying and also for some sweet fun items for the baby that they could choose together and be _happy_ about.

It wasn't so much that those feelings of depression, sadness, and guilt had gone away. Instead, it was that she'd learned that she could take those worries and fears and instead of being reckless with them, she could use them to protect herself. She hadn't always had the best track record of taking care of herself and making her life a priority in the past. Being pregnant, carrying a _literal_ piece of Jay with her at all times right now had reminded her that her life was so much bigger than herself these days.

Her world had grown when she'd married Jay that was for sure. But now, they were becoming parents together; a shot at the real family she never had. Nothing was worth risking or jeopardizing that, of that she had always been sure. But being confident in herself and her abilities to be simultaneously a damn good cop and pregnant; eventually becoming a mother was something she'd felt for the first time tonight. That confidence she'd felt, that ability to make the right call, yell for help as soon as danger had threatened, had made her feel for the very first time that the motherly instincts she was worried she didn't have given they clearly hadn't been a part of Bunny's DNA, were more than present in her. Taking this on hadn't been her being reckless it had been her thinking that these girls were someone's babies and if they were having babies of their own, they all deserved so much better than to meet their demise in some pervert's basement turned torture chamber.

She wouldn't be looking to put herself in this spot again anytime soon and as much as this had given her that pure rush of adrenaline she got when she was in an undercover situation like this, she'd realize that her priorities were shifting right now and taking it easy wasn't just a good idea, it was what was best for everyone. Jay would be far too taxed by stress and anxiety if she did anything like this again. As much as she abhorred desk duty; she'd be content to find her rush coming from interrogations for the next few months for the sake of his sanity. She'd try to convince herself she'd only done this because the situation was dire, but she'd know deep down she'd done it to prove to herself she could.

She had proven that tonight. Intelligent idea or not, this ordeal would be exactly what she needed to really pull herself from that final layer of darkness that had been blacking out the joyful light of this pregnancy.

These were all the thoughts she'd consider when she sat in the driver's seat of the truck, sipping the water he'd left in the cup holder for her, with a straw poking out like she always preferred and extra ice like she'd been requesting lately. She would also be eating some of the veggie straws he'd taken the time to put into a cellophane snack bag for her. Of course he'd opted for something healthy as opposed to the salty cheese dusted snacks she'd have selected for herself. But, snacks were snacks and she found herself to be constantly both hungry and thirsty so she wouldn't mind too much.

She'd be waiting in the car wishing she had an ear piece for what felt like forever but was certainly under ten minutes before the team was pouring out and with them, two girls, both obviously pregnant. She'd abandon her snacks on the dashboard and get out of the car to walk over to them as Jay met her halfway. "Kim's already called an ambo. They're alive- banged up, dehydrated, and probably malnourished but alive." He'd nod and wrap his arm around her shoulder to draw her against his side and tilt his head at and angle that would allow him to drop a kiss to her forehead. His words would echo sentiments she'd normally get from Hank, "You did good, kid."

There'd be a lot to do when they got back to the district and it would have them home well after ten pm and even though she'd eaten up nearly half of the vending machine, she was still starving. He'd agreed to make her a grilled cheese in the car, after she'd not so coyly mentioned how she was desperately craving one, when they got home and that's what he'd set to work doing immediately when they got in, ignoring his own pangs of hunger and exhaustion to do so.

It wouldn't take long to fulfill her request and he'd find her on the couch in a pair of pajama pants and a tank top, propped up against her newly beloved pregnancy pillow. Her eyes would grow in size at the sandwich he presented to her on a small ceramic plate. "Meal of champions." He'd grin, leaning in to capture a kiss from her lips before going back to the kitchen. He'd reappear not too long thereafter and hand her a second sandwich because he knew his girl and even not pregnant, she could easily polish off four of those, and the sounds of her devouring the first one had not been quiet or well-mannered in the least. But, they'd communicated to him how much she'd appreciate another one without her having to feel like she was inconveniencing him by asking.

"You are seriously…" She'd grin happily accepting it and using her free hand to pull him in for an appreciative kiss. "You are the best one of the best ones." She'd remark thoughtfully before sinking her teeth into the melty delight. She'd observe that he'd fixed himself salad instead of a sandwich like he'd made her and shrug at his loss. This ooey gooey sandwich was nearly orgasmic!

"Hey, I just wanted to say thank you. For, I don't know. Trusting me, having faith in me, I know it was hard for you letting me do that tonight. But, I have to tell you it was really;" She'd pause to think and take a bite while she did so, "Freeing? I don't know. I don't plan to put myself back out in the field anytime soon, I promise you that, hubs. But I needed to know that I could do this. That if my team needed me or; two misguided girls who needed saving needed my help, I could still show up and be…. _me."_ She'd set her plate to the side.

"There's just _one_ more thing I need to feel like me." She'd say, studying him with a look of longing in her eyes that would tell him what she meant. He'd finish his salad in two bites, set the bowl down and then give her an appreciative look as she pulled her shirt off and came into his lap.

"I love you," She whispered thoughtfully. "Thanks for never giving up on me." She'd echo that sentiment to him for the second time in their long history.

"I _never_ will," His promise would hang in the air for a moment and then she was leaning down to kiss him and help him reach a topless state just like her own before requesting he carry her to their bed where she'd find that final piece of her she needed to be whole again as her thighs quivered and wrapped around his hips.


	41. Chapter 41

The adrenaline rush from her involvement in the bust of Primmer and the release of the two girls was one Erin was able to ride for over a week. After that, being resigned to staying back at the district and doing menial tasks had begun to take its toll on her. In fact, Ruzek would tease her about how she was nesting because somehow, the world's most unorganized woman had been sorting through files and color-coding them with the label maker she'd found buried in the depths of her desk drawer. It was better than sitting around doing next to nothing, at least.

In the four weeks since that fateful night she'd managed to organize files, clean out her desk, purge the break room of snacks that were, in some cases, years old, and had stayed on top of every single witness they'd let her at. Her belly had grown even more obvious now, though from behind you could barely identify that she was even pregnant.

She had fully embraced the bump now and she and Jay had gone to two maternity stores to get clothing that extenuated her bump instead of hiding it. It was in one of these shirts that she sat in the waiting room of her OBGYN, frantically checking her phone for a sign that Jay was here or at the very least on his way. At nineteen and a half weeks, this was the ultrasound that would tell them their baby's gender and they'd already had to reschedule the appointment twice due to things coming up at work and she was both anxious and eager to find out; but she'd promised she wouldn't do it without Jay. It was this fact that made her stare at her phone screen again and tap another message to her husband, who it wasn't like to not answer.

The doctor was running slightly behind, as usual, so she'd gone to the bathroom to give a sample, had her blood drawn, and been sent back to wait until a room was available. She'd already sent Jay about six text messages and she let out a frustrated sigh seeing that there was still no answer from him. That would prompt her to call him and her phone was at her ear, listening to the other line ring when she heard his voice. Confused because he hadn't picked up her eyes would flicker up to the reception desk where he was standing almost breathless as if he'd just run up the six flights of stairs that would have led him to this floor.

The nurse nodded in her direction and she watched his frantic features soften slightly as he realized he hadn't missed it. She'd feel less inclined to be annoyed at him and the feelings of being put off by his absence had vanished completely when he came and sat next to her, his hands cupping her face to draw her forward and press a kiss to her forehead. Still breathless, he offered an explanation. "Sorry babe, I must've left my phone back at the district. I only realized when I went to call you and I was already running late so I thought it was best to just head here and beg for forgiveness then double back for it."

"No begging necessary," She'd offer him a sympathetic smile. "You're here, that's all that matters." She'd supply gently, her mood was better than usual given the news they were nearly certain to receive today if baby felt like cooperating. She reached over to lace her fingers with his and she offered him the water bottle that had been propped against her side moments before. He took it gratefully and was in the middle of taking a long sip when a nurse clad in lavender scrubs called Erin's name, signaling that there was a room for her.

He'd recap the water bottle as they strolled down the hall, his hand coming to rest on the small of her back briefly before rounding to rest on her belly, he'd tap his fingers lightly against the underside in his own little greeting to the life growing inside of her. The nurse would leave them and he'd help her onto the table and even though it would be a long wait for the tech and the doctor still, he tugged her shirt up gently to look at the bulging belly that served as proof of healthy development. "How are you feeling today?" He asked, his hand settling on newly exposed skin as he cast his eyes up to hers.

She shrugged before answering, "Not too bad, tired. Heartburn. The usual." She was used to it by now and he'd joked that she was singlehandedly keeping TUMS in business these days. "But heartburn means hair is growing or something so, I am pretty sure I'll be giving birth to a yeti at this rate." She'd giggle gently, moving to rest her hand on his. "The app says baby is the size of a bell pepper now." She'd add casually.

"Does that mean I should pick one up to make fajitas for dinner?" He'd joke, because he swore the only thing that came of these food comparisons the app offered were her having cravings for whatever they'd mentioned.

"Hah, hah." She'd roll her eyes. "But no, tonight is special. We find out if we're having a daughter or a son. We should go out, celebrate." She'd shrug.

He would never give up a chance to celebrate if she was up for it so she wasn't surprised to see the slight sparkle that became present in his eyes at her suggestion. "I can get behind that, completely." He'd grin. "You still convinced that it's a boy?" He'd ask, though she'd had a couple dreams lately that had made her slightly less confident, she was still insistent that she _knew_ the baby was a boy.

He was less inclined to trust her blind intuition especially because he'd forced her to try some old wives tale tricks he'd found online and they'd been a 60/40 split that had leaned towards girl. Besides, if he was being honest, he sort of died every time they walked past the little girl clothes sections of stores they'd ventured into. Her voice would interrupt his musings. "Yes, actually. And I look forward to hearing you say I was right all along!" She'd say pointedly, but she leaned up to kiss him.

They'd fall into a soft silence, his fingers tracing pictures on her belly as he whispered adorable things to it, so quiet she couldn't hear them, but she figured that might've been the purpose. The kicks had been less like flutters lately and more definitive, especially when daddy told secrets, which was why she wouldn't be surprised to feel one now, but it would be the biggest one he'd felt and he'd look up from her belly with such a huge, sloppy smile indicating that he'd felt it too and at that, she'd instantly burst into tears thanks to hormones. "You okay?" He'd ask tentatively, because he could never be sure anymore with these things.

She smiled even as she kept crying, "Yeah, hormones. And you're just so fucking cute sometimes." She'd supply, reaching down to grasp his hand with one of her own as the other came to wipe away the tears which she'd managed to get under control after a couple of deep breaths.

The technician's appearance would help her reel it in even more and as she set to work measuring her belly and at Erin's request, she'd be incredibly through in describing what she'd be assessing today as she got the bottle of blue goo to squeeze onto Erin's belly before getting the wand ready.

For someone who used to feel incredibly overwhelmed by these appointments, she'd taken a new approach that knowledge was power and she and Jay had listened to an audiobook version of _What to Expect When You're Expecting_ whenever they had a chance to ride to and from work together, it had sort of brought her peace to be informed. "Are you going to check choroid plexus for cysts?" She'd ask, recalling the information from the chapter she'd listened to on the 18-19 week appointment as she'd ridden over here. Jay's face would sort of contort into a smile because he recalled just a few short weeks ago when she had told him it was his job to be informed about these things and now she was rattling off medical terms like a third year medical student.

The kind woman in yellow scrubs would give her a gentle smile and nod. "Erin," Her dark eyes were somehow still very gentle. "Of course. And depending on how cooperative the little nugget is, we should be able to asses the face for cleft pallet, get a good look at the chambers of the heart, and as we discussed last time, hopefully get some information on baby's gender. Do you two want us to tell you here or were you wanting it in an envelope so you can bring it to a bakery or get a baseball full of powdered chalk; that kind of thing."

"Well my clairvoyant wife claims to know it's a boy so since we're only looking for confirmation on that, I'd say sooner rather than later?" Jay would supply, looking at Erin who would simply smirk at him.

"We'll take the envelope, actually." She'd grin, suddenly fascinated with the idea of having this reveal be something a little more private and special. This was a moment that should be just between them, she decided.

"What?" Jay's reaction could only be described as baffled and the way his eyebrows knit together in confusion would make him even more adorable to her right now. The way she smiled though, with her right dimple more pronounced then the left would melt him instantly and he'd submit to her wishes even without fully understanding them. "Envelope it is." He'd resign, but he wouldn't sigh or seem angry, instead his sly smile would grow and he'd know she was already cooking up some sort of plan in her mind.

The appointment wouldn't be going too long before Dr. Stone had showed up and discussed different things with them. The ultra sound would have them seeing their happy, healthy, very active little baby who would be wiggling and moving quite a bit. They'd still get a good look at the baby's perfectly developing heart, brain, and spine and the tech would turn the screen away to face only her and the doctor to discern the gender which she'd inscribe on a piece of paper and tuck into an envelope for them.

Erin would take the inquiry of "Do you have any questions" to the fullest extent and she'd spend at least fifteen minutes basically grilling the doctor before Jay was placing two reassuring hands on her biceps and pressing a kiss to the hair on the side of her head. The simple act would be enough to cause a cease-fire of her rapid questions and instead of carrying on she'd find her tensed shoulders relaxing and her lips drawing back into a tight smile. "Sorry, I got a bit carried away," She'd lick her lips to regain composure. "I think that's enough questions, if I have anymore, I'll call the on-call line." And Dr. Stone would know that was true because in the last three months, every nurse or doctor who answered that line had become familiar with Erin's voice.

Dr. Stone would rise form the small rolling stool she'd previously been perched upon as she grabbed a towel to clean the goo from Erin's belly. "You don't have to be sorry Erin, you want to be informed. That's normal. But, stop stressing about every little thing and try and enjoy this, a lot of women miss this part when it's over." She'd smile softly and pull the blue fabric of Erin's shirt back down to cover her again. "Don't forget to set up your next appointment with Allie at the desk before you leave. It'll just be a routine check up, in and out." She'd add before slipping out the door to undoubtedly serve another patient. The technician would leave on her heels and Jay would stare at the envelope in his hands and then at his wife.

"So, can we open it now?" He'd grin and his question would cause her to pluck it form his hands before he could grip it enough that she wouldn't have been able to.

"No! Besides, I saw your phone light up three times during the appointment and something tells me it was Voight and that you have somewhere to be."

He'd look down at his phone; it was Alvin who'd called, actually. But he'd stare down at the address he'd been sent by Voight himself after he'd failed to pick up and the instructions he'd been given to get his ass over there as soon as the appointment was done would distract him from his burning desire to find out what word was written on the paper. "You are not allowed to look without me." He'd warn as they headed out of the examination room and through the lobby towards the elevator.

"I would never!" She swore, her eyes finding his earnestly as metal doors banged together and his freckled arm reached out to press the circle containing the number one. "But, it's going to be better than just reading a word on a paper." She'd note, confirming his suspicions about the wheels he'd seen turning in her head at the mention of bakeries and baseballs. If he was being honest, maybe it wouldn't be the worst thing if he let her run with it. So, instead of naysaying, he'd offered her a grin and stoop down to close the gap their height difference created to press a loving kiss to her lips.

"It's cruel, you know that right? But, I'll allow it." He'd smile, drawing away from her as the metal doors sprung back to life, opening out to the ground floor. He'd walk her to the parking garage where she'd parked even though he'd found a spot on the street and he'd linger for a few moments pressing kisses to her lips against the driver's side door before his phone was lighting up again with a message that was probably harassing him about still not being at the crime scene and he'd reluctantly leave her once she'd sat down and started the car.

He'd spend the next two hours at the bank that had been robbed by what appeared to be a team of four masked women who had successfully performed a stunt with a similar execution two weeks prior and four hours away in St. Louis. Erin's time behind the desk had found her computer skills improving and by the time the team had filed in she'd not only ordered pizzas for lunch that would have all of them singing her praises, but she'd gotten a hit on the partial plate she'd gotten on a freeze frame they'd sent over from the surveillance tapes at the bank. Almost as soon as they'd come in, they'd gone out again; suiting up in the roll out.

Erin had made sure to be the one to strap him into his vest and she'd snuck a couple kisses to the back of his neck and whispered the obligatory, 'be careful' to him before they'd squeezed hands and he'd gotten into the driver's seat of the Sierra.

These were the times it was most painful to be left behind but she'd gladly sit at her desk for the sake of protecting their baby, so she'd retrieve a bag of carrot sticks and a tub of hummus Jay had been sure to stock the break room with and posted herself at her desk. The sound of footsteps would grow louder than the crunch of her carrot and it would draw her attention to the top of the staircase where Platt would appear, a somewhat stricken look on her face. "Something wrong?" Erin would ask, narrowing her eyes she drew her attention briefly away from the scanner where she was pretending not to be worrying over Jay and the rest of the team.

"No, no." Platt would offer with a simple shrug, "Just thought you could use some company." She'd say casually, dragging the chair from Jay's desk over to the front of Erin's and taking a seat.

She sensed there was more to the story, but she could also feel that it wasn't the right time to press so she'd move the hummus so it was between them and offer Platt the bag of carrots but she'd shake her head in refusal. "Who asked you to babysit me, Hank or Jay?" She'd ask with a grin.

Platt would smile back gently, "No one! I sort of wanted to check on you, see how you were doing. If you need anything."

With that unexpected confession, Erin's smile would falter because she was genuinely stricken with emotion at the maternal sentiment that lined her words. "I… I'm fine. Jay is amazing at all this," She'd sort of motion around her belly with her hands and they'd both grin.

"He's a good man." Platt would acknowledge, in spite of her seemingly constant teasing of Erin's better half, she held him in a high esteem.

"Oh, the best." Erin would affirm, her smile growing. "He's going to be a great dad." Her eyes would become kind of glossy as she spoke the next line, even though she hadn't even meant to share the words she spoke next; "Hopefully I don't screw things up."

"You won't." Platt's words came with such conviction, they would almost have Erin sold but even hearing one of the harshest of critics sing her praise wouldn't be enough to have her believing fully in her own competency. Sensing this, the desk sergeant would continue. "No doubt the odds are against you with your mother and your past. But, you've more than risen above it. I've seen you with the kids you encounter on cases. You'll be amazing." At some point, her hands had reached over to collect Erin's into her own and as she finished she squeezed them gently, gave the brunette a thoughtful look, and was about to clear her throat and end the moment when her counterpart spoke up.

"Yeah little girls who have been through hell and I have an easy time connecting. But, I don't know the first thing about babies and breastfeeding and what cry means what." These concerns had plagued her for weeks but she'd done her best to keep them at bay for what she pretended was Jay's sake but was really her own.

"Most people who have kids are in the same boat! You'll learn as you go. You're a quick study and you're adaptable. You raised yourself and your little brother for years, you got this." She would reach her maximum of sentimentality then and with one final squeeze she'd drop Erin's hands from her own.

Even if she'd say nothing else in that moment to tell Platt how much her words had actually brought her comfort, they had. It had given her a renewed sense of excitement even as she felt rather useless sitting here waiting for the team to get back. "Hey." She began, pursuing her lips together gently. "I have something you can help me with." She'd note, opening her desk drawer to take out the envelope containing the pressing answer she had intentionally put off finding out longer than necessary. "You have any ideas for something special I can do for Jay and I?" She'd realize Platt didn't know what she was referencing yet so she'd add, "I guess some people get the answer baked into a cake, but I don't know. I want something a little more _us_ to find out if we're having a boy or a girl. I have some ideas but none that I can properly execute."

Trudy's jaw would drop. "Say no more. Hand me the envelope and come see me at end of shift today." The glitter in her eye would give Erin simultaneous feelings of worry and relief because she'd just requested free reign on this and that wasn't necessarily her intention when she'd brought it up. However, as she scanned over the woman who looked beyond moved to be included, she'd made up her mind to let her take this over. It was with a surprising lack of reluctance that she'd handed over the envelope, shifting the responsibility of this to Trudy officially.

Getting rid of the envelope also took away the nagging feelings of wanting to peak at it while her husband was gone and it would feel like forever had come and gone by the time she'd heard the call of shots fired in what was unmistakably Hank's voice come over the scanner. Even though she'd get further confirmation that none of the unit had been hurt when they'd later called for two ambulances, she'd still be stricken with panic and worry as she waited in the roll out for her boys to pour back in.

The smile playing on his lips would make her jealous. She recognized the adrenaline pumping through him now; consuming him like worry had just done to her. As his eyes met her own, the smile would falter and his pace would quicken. "What's wrong?" His voice was more even than his level of emotions should've allowed but he was great at being strong for her and it kept him together as he set down his long gun on the table.

"Nothing!" She'd reassure but the one word response wasn't enough to quell his worries so she'd be inclined to go with the truth rather than try and come up with a lie to use as an excuse. "A little jealous." She'd admit with a shrug, her features softening at the confession, her hands coming up to the straps of Velcro above his shoulders to help him out of his vest.

He'd appreciate her honesty and he'd lean down to kiss her forehead gently. "Few months, you'll be back out there, kicking ass better than the rest of us."

"Yeah, with leaking boobs, ten extra pounds, and two hours of sleep, I'll be a regular bad ass." Her eyes would roll a little, masking her self doubt with humor.

"I will wake up with the baby at night. And I'll whip that ass into shape in and out of the gym," He'd say with a low growl, his hand grabbing at it through her jeans gratuitously using his whole palm. "Now I have some paperwork to cut corners on and then we're getting out of here and tearing that envelope open." He'd let her undo the last strap of Velcro holding him into the vest before moving it up and over his head to hang back up and follow the team upstairs.

Her fingers would come to the belt loop of his jeans positioned below his spine and she'd tug him back slightly as she trailed slightly behind them on the stairs. "I don't have the envelope." She'd confess in a soft whisper, her words causing him to whirl around.

"Pregnancy brain strike again?" He'd ask gently, recalling how her newfound forgetfulness had sent them on a wild goose chase for her keys two mornings ago only to find them in the fridge, he'd assume that she'd misplaced this item in a similar fashion.

Despite the good-humored nature of his question, she'd still scoff slightly. "No, I've arranged something. So be quick with the paperwork, will you?" She'd say, poking his hips so he'd turn and let her proceed past him and up the stairs.

By the time things were wrapping up, she was basically licking the container of hummus clean. The appetite she'd lost in the first trimester had more than come back now and as baby grew, she found her hunger almost insatiable. As they'd headed down the stairs, Jay had reminded her of their plans for dinner and it would almost distract her from stopping by Platt's desk as they left but the way the older woman cleared her throat would draw her attention away from the appetizer menu at the Italian place they'd agreed on and over to Platt. "Oh, Jay. One more thing," Her hand would find his and she'd tug him towards the desk where Platt stood with a brighter than normal smile playing on her lips. "Okay Sarge, it's end of shift, here we are."

"Ah, yes, here you are in deed. Listen, Erin I hate to let you down but I'm just not ready yet. Is there any way I can convince you to run down to impound and run a quick errand for me while I finish up? If not, I have to do it myself and it'll take twice as long." An apologetic look would wash over Platt's face and even though she was inclined to feel annoyed Erin would force herself to give the woman a tight smile.

"Sure, what can we do for you?" She'd ask trying her best to remain pleasant. Platt's smile would soften her slightly as the other woman slid a pair of keys across to her.

"There's a car parked in slot 36, there are some things in the trunk we need for inventory. You are a doll." She'd smile at Erin, sort of refusing to acknowledge that Jay had anything to do with this even as he strolled behind her as they headed out of the district's front doors and walked the slight distance to the impound lot.

She'd recognize the vehicle parked in slot 36 as soon as they happened upon it and realization would hit her that Platt had sent them there for a reason. "Our old rig." She'd smirk, turning to look at Jay with a warm smile and she'd find his expression was rather annoyed rather than taken, which was probably because he had no idea that Platt had been tasked with executing this little gender reveal. "Remember when I said I arranged something? I think this is it."

"You _think_ this is it?" She'd obviously been using the term arranged rather loosely in this scenario.

"Well, I mean. I guess Platt arranged it. But I arranged Platt arranging it, so I still get credit for… arranging."

They'd both laugh at how many times she'd repeated the same idea in that sentence and he'd lean over and kiss her. "Alright arranger. Show me what's been arranged."

Given that Platt had mentioned needing something from the trunk, she'd guide him around to the back of the car and after clicking open the button on the key remote to open the trunk, they'd pull it up to reveal a medium sized brown card board box with a little yellow note folded in half on top that read 'open me.'

"Go ahead, open it!" She'd grin, urging him forward. He'd look at her, rub her belly tenderly and then move to clasp her hand and take a step forward towards the box.

"You get that flap and I'll take this one and we do it together." He'd suggest, dropping her hand so they could lean in and do just that. They'd both draw in a nervous breath before their hands were peeling back the sides of the box and once they'd freed it from the lid stifling it inside, they'd see a single balloon pop out of the top of the box. Thanks to the tape that kept it fastened to the bottom of the cardboard, it would bob around freely but not float away.

She'd stand there in stark shock for a moment at the confirmation they'd just received but when she noticed the way his shoulders racked with sobs now, she'd be taken slightly off guard at the emotional response. "Babe?" She'd ask with a soft breath, but he'd turn and scoop her into his arms and bury his face into her neck and she'd understand that it wasn't from disappointment or even sadness that those sobs had come as he held her and processed this new piece of information.

Perhaps being right all along had made it less shocking for her than for him but as he whispered, "You were right." Into her ear, she smiled for more than just that reason. A son, a little baby boy, a miniature version of her most favorite, freckled, gentle giant. That realization would dribble her own set of tears from her eyes.

"I hope he is exactly like you." She'd whisper, her lips finding his. And she did, because even with his flaws, Jay was the most wonderful person she'd ever met.

She realized then that maybe it wasn't that she'd actually known it was a boy but that she'd been hoping. Because in her mind, that equated the kid to be more like him than her and if she was being honest, she wasn't sure she was cut out to handle a miniature version of herself. In processing that fact about herself, she'd realize that he shared similar fears about himself and his father and how all of that would affect his relationship with their own son. She wished then, that Jay could see himself the way she did; in the light that he cast to everyone around him. "You are the best man and you are going to be the best father."

"Nah." Jay would say softly, kissing her forehead. "He'll be better than me, no contest, because you're a part of him." He'd mean that genuinely and he knew she wouldn't be convinced even as he continued, but he wanted her to her the words anyway. "I hope he gets your heart; and your immense capacity to care for people who need to be cared about. I hope he has your sense of humor. Your ability to forgive. All the parts of you that helped me become the man and cop I am today." He'd say and she'd finally draw her tear brimmed eyes up to meet him as he finished.

"Well I hope he has your way with words because nothing I can say will be as beautiful or articulate as that but I'll just say that; if he grows up to be even half the man you are then he'll be ten times the man most people are." She'd whisper and her hands would come to rest on his hips as she pulled herself up to kiss him with all the passion she felt for him in that moment. "Now, if I recall correctly, your _son_ and I were promised a nice meal to celebrate how mommy knows best. I can already smell the garlic knots I'm going to tear up when we sit down."

"Our son." He wouldn't be able to contain the smile that tugged at his lips. Despite his own concerns about raising a boy given his relationship with his own father, that could be classified as strained at best, he felt absolutely certain that he loved this baby even more now. "We're having a boy," He'd say the words out loud that neither of them had actually articulated yet. "Holy shit. We're having a son." Amusement would play on her face as she watched him fully realize and process this now.

"Alright buddy I am going to tell you this now, never do anything to stand between your mother and the food she's been promised." He'd smile, patting her stomach gently.

Erin would giggle but she'd have to admit that was solid advice. "That includes marring the experience with constant heartburn my little wooly mammoth!" She'd add, casting her voice down towards her stomach.


End file.
